My DD is driving me mad. I cannot show her how to do anything!

She often comes storming out of her playroom, frustrated because something she has tried to make has not turned out the way she wanted it to. Or, she ends up in tears because she has tried to put on a top by threading her arms through the neck opening. Or I will hear her screaming in the backyard because she has 'made a kite' that has either fallen apart or doesnt get off the ground.

I try to show her how to do things...especially the dressing herself thing. I think she should be able to get clothes on by now, but she still can barely get a t-shirt on. She either gets cross with me, telling me she already knows how to do it, or just stands there with her eyes glazed over, paying no attention at all.

Now with every one else, she is a brilliant listener/learner. She does exactly as she is shown at swimming lessons and always listens/learns at kinder - which she loves.

So what's wrong with me?? I try to show her how she can do things when she is happy and I think she is ready to listen (I dont try and show her stuff when she's angry and frustrated). Ive tried talking to her about how mummy can help her do things if only she will let me, but Im always met with "But I already know how mum!"

Its driving me mad. Is this a normal 4 year old thing or am I doing something wrong? Do you have a technique that I can use to help my DD learn to do things?

A lot of kids don't like it when their parents try to "teach" them things. It's an attitude some kids just have. I am talking mainly about kids that are school age, but I suppose there's nothing precluding the possibility that she is doing the same thing at 4.

I think it *might* come from a fear of admitting that they don't know everything. Some people are like that with their parents. I am a trained teacher and have been tutoring full-time for the past 6 or so years, and I have so many students whose parents are teachers. They could clearly be doing the teaching themselves, but it just isn't worth the fight they have with their child to get them to listen. Like you said, these kids are great when it's ME teaching them, they'll listen and learn and readily admit their mistakes (mostly) but if their mum or dad tries to help, they tend to think that their parents believe they're stupid or something.

So nothing's "wrong" with you, it's just that you're her mum Luckily, she's only 4 so there should still be some ways around the problem. Often, it helps with these sorts of kids to be a little less didactic in your approach. I often ask kids to show ME how to do something. You might find if you ask her to show you, if she makes a muddle, you can redirect her without too much drama. Ask her to be the teacher. For example, with the kite thing, you could say "I'd like to make a kite too, could we both make one and fly them together? You could show me how."

As for the clothes thing, have you tried firmly but calmly saying something like "When you want to get your shirt on properly, I will be in the living room, but I will not listen to you stomp and yell about this." She might see that you aren't going to take the nonsense and give it up. She'll either figure out how to dress herself (albeit the hard way) or she'll eventually let you help her.

I remember being a bit like this as an older child. My mother once wanted me to hang the clothes on the line, and I did it all wrong and she told me to come and she'd show me how to hang clothes on the line. I refused to go with her, because she'd TOLD me to, and I'd picked up on the fact that she thought "Surely she should know how to hang clothes better than that". Perhaps your DD is picking up on this a little, for example., where you said -

I know it isn't like that is a horrible thing to say or anything, but is it possible she might be picking up on it and internalising it a bit? Just a thought.

Hope you find some solutions Good luck

Just wanted to wish you luck cos parenting isnt easy at the best of times and add a few issues and well you get the idea
Just know so many other mums/dads get what your saying.
I do but my DS1 is 3 and drives me to snapping point most days, think he knows how to use th etoilet has been for a few months for day time, dose it at CC yet at home now he just poos and pees EVERYWHERE but the loo! And then come tells me with a grin on his face! I try to be calm but it is fustrating.

Maybe say here is your shirt, if when this timer (get a kitchen timer or such that makes a noise) gose off you havent got your top on, i will come put it on you or assist (whichever you chose to do).

Best of luck, but if you have any concerns take her to a doctor and see a pead. If it is developmental she might need a lil help?

I have/had one of these! One of my boys at age 4 was just like this; could not be taught and wanted to do everything by himself, non-stop melt downs etc and for a while it is a serious pain.

But there is a massive upside to this type of personality. My little guy is now 6 and an incredibly competent little person. He can do everything by himself (just about) and this is a fabulous thing. I just let him get on with it and it's brilliant. One of the things I love best about him.

My other 2 sons (11 and 3) are a lot more dependent and require encouragement and a lot of input so the contrast is quite startling in our house.

I find he learns best by observing or copying me and I only offer help surreptitiously sometimes without even talking about it. Asking him if he needs help is about the worst thing and I will usually use the terminology "lets fix this" and only do so much so he can complete the task.

I know this is painful at the moment but in the long run this will be good

All the best.

I feel your pain. I have one of these as well - but mine is only 2.5!!! Eeek.

She goes nuts if I try to dress or undress her and says "I do, not you". Hmmm. Fortunately she's pretty good on the knickers and pants / skirts front - not so hot on the tees and dresses. Takes a lot of patience on my part though and at times I do just snap at her because we end up running late for day care or something else. At her age I can sometimes distract her - but I imagine that at 4, this isn't quite so easy.

A girlfriend of mine with two boys and one girl has always had this issue with her DD being way more independent than her boys. She thinks it's a girl thing

Both my 4 and 2 yr old are like this!! I think it is personality. One of the first things either of them said was "I do it" and screaming match if not allowed to do it themselves. My 2yr old HAS to pour drinks himself and must take off every lid and put it back on. If I let him try himself first, and he can't do it he gets frustrated, and THEN I offer to assist and he then lets me - but not until he has decided he needs help.

My 4yr old sometimes does what you say your DD does - screaming in frustration when the blocks won't go together how he wants. I offer to help - he screams no. I tell him that if he wants me to help, he can ask. Sometimes he will keep at it for a bit longer then asks for help, but sometimes he sorts it out himself in the meantime. I should probably just remind him that I am happy to help if he would like it.

I've always been of the mind to let mine learn the hard way. Sometimes I think they learn quicker and easier that way

With mine I just say, "okay, you can do that yourself, but you can come to me when you want help or if you would like me to show you how to do it".

The eldest (4yrs) will usually come to me after a few minutes and say
"Mummy, I need help" (I also think it is pretty good that they aren't too shy to ask for help)

my 4yo DS tells me he knows everything and can do everything himself too!

When i point out something interesting whilst driving he will say ' I already knew that'!! it is annoying and i used to get really frustrated with it, but now i just ignore the comment, which seems to work quite well.

Things like dressing, opening things,writing and doing tasks, i let him go and just let him know that if he needs help to let me know. If i ask him if he needs help he cracks it! Seems to be the age. By allowing him to work it out himself he is learning valuable life lessons.

DD has been like this since she was about 1.5yo. She's so stubborn... just like me! It really used to frustrate me when DD would try dress herself & i'd usually crack it with her. Now i just let her be. When she starts getting frustrated on not being able to do something i ask if she needs help. If she says no then i tell her to ask when she does need help. Within a few minutes she does ask for help

DD likes to tell me how things are or what things are all the time. She's very adamant that her way is the only way. I just say "oh ok"

My daughter was like this. She is nearly six now and is ALOT better then when she was 4.
Here is what I have done as I think it has helped.
When she screams and carrys on because she cant do something - Firstly I try not to laugh, cause a little girl trying to throw a tanty with her arms stuck and wiggling through a neck hole is pretty funny LOL, then I remind her if she wants help I can help, but she needs to ask politely not scream.
And if she uses the 'I can DO it' Then I just say Ok, let me know if you need any help cause it looks tricky!.

Now 99% of the time she will react calmly and ask for help, on odd occasions especially if she is really tired she will have a meltdown.

At the E.I. that we go to they teach kids to get dressed by dressing a manequin kind of thing.
Could you have a getting dressed game with her and dress up big teddy's and talk about putting tags at the back and put your head in first.

My son has always been like this, he is now 12! I understand that it can be very stressful and at times make you feel inadequate. Things will get better though. My son is super independant, and sometimes I feel as though I am hardly parenting at all, which makes me feel guilty. This is just his nature. I have learnt not to battle with him, and just leave him to it when he says " I know mum". He works it out in the end, and if not he will swallow his pride and ask for help. I understand that it takes a lot for him to ask, so I try not to rub it in with an "I told you so". Good luck