My DS1 has just turned 4 years old. He is a bright child and has, since day 1 had a stubborn streak (comparing him to DS2 who is very calm compared to DS1). Over the years his bad behaviour moves up a notch which takes some getting used to and things seem ok for a while and then he cranks it up again. I bought the book 'raising your spirited child' and for me there is no doubt he is 'spirited' but he is also very aggressive when things don't go his way.
He has always been like this but as he is getting older and stronger, it is becoming harder and harder to deal with. Even now DH is at a loss to cope with him.
When he has to do something he doesnt want to do or stop doing something he wants to do (usually tv) he gets so angry. This weekend we found an old play station console and I hired a couple of kids games and thought he might be old enough to use it. He LOVED it, he could have sat there all day and played it, which is why after about an hour I said it needed to be turned off. The tantrum was over the top. He was so angry, kicking me, hitting, head butting, biting, scratching, honestly, it is like he hates you. On this occasion I was quite calm (DH was out) and I tried time out, but he wont stay where I put him. I dont like putting him in his room and holding the door closed as he will kick that and bang his head on it, I tried just holding of his punches (and they are punches) to let him get it out, tried laughing at the situation, tried giving him a huge cuddle, so I thought I was coping ok (but being so sad that my 4yo is so angry) until he kicked me in the face at which point I did smack him. Unfortunately this is not a once off incident. He always apologises afterwards and promises never to do it again, but can't seem to help himself.

I am sorry if this post does not flow very well, I have a lot in my head and I dont think it is coming out very well. He is having his 4yo health check on Wed at the doctors and I will ask about it but reluctant to say too much in front of him. He is a very very bright young man.

I just want to know if anyone has had a similar experience and what you have successfully done about it.

I should add, he can be a darling, and this behaviour is pretty much for DH and myself only. Most people are shocked when they hear me talk about it and can't believe it of him. DS2 is only 4 months old but this has been going on since well before his arrival and pregnancy infact.

Any advice is greatly received.

Sad mum

Sad Mum:

Is there any way that you could book a double appointment (or bring along your partner or grandparent) so that you could have a few moments alone with your GP to share your concerns? A specialist (developmental paed or psychologist) would be better positioned to offer you specific ideas for managing your son's behavior. There are services that offer family-based behavioral therapy so that parents can learn how to deal with really challenging behavior.

Like your son, my 4.5 year old daughter is really bright and very headstrong (I should also mention that she has ASD). Her tantrums have never included violence or the type of aggression that you've described, but she has had some very OTT and self-harming tantrums.

I appreciate how overwhelming & scary it is when your child is tantruming at a level that is so far beyond the norm. Behavioral therapy -- which has included guidance to me & my husband on how to reinforce good behavior and mitigate/manage the horrible -- has made all the difference for her, and it's been several months since she has had any "episodes." I don't want her going off to school with a short fuse or difficult behaviors, so I feel that it's particularly important to get things under control now.

Good luck. I really feel for you, as it's a stressful situation to be in! Hope you are able to find a way to bring out the very best in your little guy.

maxnella - your DS sounds alot like my DS1 but mine is only 3 - would have huge tantrums and lots of emotional highs and lows - could also get very aggressive. What worked for us what to change to failsafe diet - I resisted this for a long time as I did not think it could work and did not want the extra work that went with it. Well I was very wrong - we only did the basic changes rather than the full elimination but the changes in our DS are huge, he is now so much more calmer - sure we still get trantrums but he is out of them so quickly these days - before he could still be kicking and screaming for over an hour regardless of what we tried

Thank you both for your insight.

Baddmammajamma - I have a double appointment with the doctor and hopefully he can reccommend someone for DH and I to talk to. I am positive it is us that need to find a way, our reaction at the moment just makes things worse. As calm as we try to be there is always something that is the last straw and all good intentions go out the window.

Kshy - I have looked up the website for that book and I have to say my sons favorite foods (I call him a fruitasaurus) are in the high salicylate groups. I am car-less today and I can't wait to get to the bookshop and get a copy tomorrow. The only thing that confuses me with it, is that he behaves for other people, although, you always strike out at those closest to you. It is worth a try!

I know there is a beautiful boy in there and I can't wait to see more of him.

I hear you on the being good for others and not at home - DS1 attends childcare 3 days a week and they think he is nicest thing going around - I think he holds it all in until he gets home and then unleashes - that was one of things that I kept thinking back to before I started him on the food changes. I was getting to the stage that I was looking for excuses not to be around him and was feeling so guilty. Now I love the little boy that he is - sure he is still very active but he will now sit and play with his toys rather than destroy the house - he loves nothing more than cuddling up on my lap for a cuddle and reading books. We really notice the difference if he does have other foods but we have learnt to adjust and we wear the consequence as we gave him the foods.

Hope you can find some answers - I have not brought the book, I was able to get everything off the net - let me know if you want any of the links

Kerri

I also recommend Failsafe, it has made a huge difference to us. I borrowed 'Fed Up' and 'Friendly Food' from the library - both are excellent reads.

Amanda

oh gosh my 4yo DS has had these anger outbursts too!

The first time he attacked me in the supermarket because i put back a treat because he was naughty. He got all red in the face and starting punching, scratching, biting and saying mean things to me and demanding i go back and get the treat. I stood in the checkout line, very embarassed, but calm and let him have it when in the car. Consequnce of this actions was no playroom for the rest of the weekend (this was a friday arvo), and time out when we got home.

A similar thing happened the following Friday, which got me thinking that there was a pattern happening here. Same punishment was given, The 3rd Friday it happened i re-assessed the behaviour.

Kinder had started 2 weeks earlier, and i could see that it was tiredness that was sparking the behaviour. So the next friday, i took him to the park for a few hours, spent some time just playing together, then when we came home, we sat together for a story,watched a movie and he fell asleep (not something he has during the days anymore). No angry outbursts since, thank god!!

DS too is a lovely boy most of the time!!!