Hi WM. It’s tricky, isn’t it, because we hate seeing our kids upset. To help you out I have asked Dr John Irvine who is a child psychologist, print and TV regular and author of books including “Thriving at School” , for some advice.

“There are a number of issues to consider here,” he says. “If we were talking about a preschooler being unhappy in their care situation then I would be recommending that they move to another centre. However it is not so easy with a school-age child. For a school-age child, changing schools should really be seen as a last resort. It may be better to stay and work through the issues that that child has, otherwise you may simply be moving the problems from one school to another.”

And Dr Irvine emphasises the importance of understanding what the problem actually is. Is it a bullying issue? Or a separation anxiety issue? Is your son having trouble keeping up academically with the class, or did he have trouble understanding what his teacher was asking of him? Or something else entirely? Any of these things can affect your son’s confidence, self esteem and enjoyment of the school year. But unless you can pinpoint what is causing your son’s anxiety it will be difficult for you to help your son overcome the issue.

“I would be suggesting that the parents take a “new year – new class” approach with their son,” says Dr Irvine. “Perhaps make a visit to the doctor between now and the start of school for a medical check up in case there are any sight, hearing or other problems than need to be investigated. If the problem is purely social then perhaps write a nice little card to this year’s teacher, mentioning the social issues that their son had last year and his reluctance to return and ask the teacher to observe their son for the first few weeks and follow up with them on any areas where they (the parents) could provide support. The teacher may also be able to implement some strategies, such as a buddy system, if you make her aware of the issue.”

WM, Dr Irvine also stressed that one of the most important things that parents can do is to be involved with the school: tuckshop, reading, helping at sport days and so forth. You didn’t mention what level of involvement you have with your son’s school, and I know that it can be difficult with two younger ones to find the time to volunteer in the classroom, but it would most certainly be a worthwhile thing to do. And whatever decision you end up making, best of luck!

EB Members: What is your advice for “Worried Mum”?

I would make a deal. Tell him to try the private school for the first half of the year and if things have still not improved then you will look at sending him to the state school. This will stop him from being stressed and he may relax enough to enjoy school again? Private or State- at Primary level it really doesn't matter in the end. Your child's emotional well being is far more important. He can always go private for secondary.

Hi Our story is similar to yours .Our son started prep at a private school as we believed it would be the best option for him.We noticed he was not happy right from the start .He is a very happy friendly child that normally makes friends easily yet he was struggling to click with anyone.The teacher was lovely but also didn't seem to make my child happy even though she was highly sought after .I was seeing a rapid down turn in my sons enthusiasm for school and his placid behaviour was rapidly changing.We made ,as a family tha hardest descision to change schools mid term,this is what our son wanted even though he realised he would know no one at his new school.We made the change and on the first day as DS was being taken into class he started to well up and two boys came to him and said "do you want to come and play with us?" it was a turning point for my boy and has never looked back.He has done well in all areas of his prep year and cant wait to start grade one.I believe playing an active role in a childs education to be very important but I now also rate their happiness with their environment of the same importance.We love our local State School and all of our children will hopefully be as happy there as DS.

Let him go to public school. He will get just as good an education from there as your private school.

My friend was like this, sacrificed everything - including decent food to afford the fees. She wanted the "prestige" of sending her child to a private school - not that it was exclusive or anything.

When her son changed school and went to a public school (to get away from a bad child), he absolutely flourished. He made some new friends and did really well academically.

"Small private school" is code for religious school. It's probably poorly funded, has limited curriculum and resources, and lacking in non academic programmes such as sport and music.

I wonder what your aversion to a public school really is. I've been through this recently in my family and suspect you won't easily be swayed. You should think carefully about why you think a small private school is going to be a better education than a public school. Private schools don't have some magic knowledge that is lacking in public schools. The larger number of children at a public school means your son can make friends naturally with children he feels comfortable with and the extra programmes available means he can discover what it is he enjoys.

If you are worried about morality then why? Good morals comes from the family and isolating your child from bad influences is just going to make him a social outcast. If your family has some belief that means you are going to deny your child opportunities that others have then maybe you should let your child make these decisions himself when he is an adult - not make them for him.

Sorry, but I hate the idea of private schools, especially when they are all based around religion. My BF thinks she is so high and mighty because she'll be sending her son to a (now, you must put a plum your mouth when you say this) *PRIVATE SCHOOL* thus making him better educated and better behaved than all the kids who go to a (remove plum) public school.
I say send your son to the public school, if he already has friends there and if he doesn't want to go to the private one so be it. Get off your high horse.

Hi There,

Public schools are not bad, they are perfectly adequate and often provide similar academic results in the area you are currently situated. I know you have invested a lot of energy and money in the school and paid the deposit and everything like that but surely your son is worth more than that. You are not a bad parent by all means it is hard to see the ones we love being hurt and downtrodden.

This one bad year that your son has endured will probably most likely continue, the school has clearly let down your son in not providing you with the solutions your son needs. The people who have bullied him will most likely continue because kids will be kids and they will not change overnight some of them will be most likely placed in your sons class this year.

Your other children will most likely will not be affected in future enrollment proceedings should you wish for them to go there. If your son has more friends who attend the local primary school and accept him for who he is I would surround him with them, he would have a far better year this year.

You should not waste your hard earned money for a school that is clearly not providing for your sons emotional well being . You should not waste your time and energy for a school that will not clearly help your son socially or academically. Nor should you volunteer just to apease them and keep up with the Jones' especially since you have younger kids and may find childcare difficult to come by when it is your turn.

I am not anti private school but I am concerned with schools out there who happily take your money and provide little in return.

By all means do a try and see for awhile but if he still comes home sad and angry and the school does not address your concerns adequately I guess you have your answer.

Good Luck, All the best.

If I was in your shoes I would let my son go to the state school. Primary school should be enjoyable. If your son is happy he'll do better at school. The other alternative that's been suggested is a good fall back if you really don't want to do that, tell him to give it 6 months and if he's still not happy you'll let him change.

I went from a state primary school to an all girls secondary school and was miserable. I had no friends, my teachers were seemingly unfriendly and everything seemed so foreign. My parents told me to give it 6 months and if I was still unhappy they would let me go to the public school...I ended up thinking it was ok and completed my schooling there. Which, I'm pleased I did. But your son is so young so keep in mind that he really won't get left behind if he's in a public school for primary.

On a personal note, I found at my private school that the girls who had come through from prep were very insular and clicky, and those who had come through from public primary schools were much friendlier and adjusted - we were not disadvantaged academically either.

Good luck with what ever you decide. I hope your son has a happier year.

Go for the public school, especially for primary school. Stdents who would do well anyway will do so at either school. If you like the smaller teacher to student ratio or something like that, consider making your son happier by letting him go to the public school and use your considerable savings for a tutor should you feel he needs it. Remember, private school students may get good academic results at high school, but not perform so well at uni when they have to do more of the work themselves, so the public school may be beneficial.
When you say you like the resources of the small private school, have you compared the resources of the public school? Some are quite well set up.

Another option might be to see whether your child can visit the public school for a day or two to 'try out' the experience before you make a decision. This reflects my experience many years ago, when I was moved from a public school to a private school at the end of Year 2. I hated the new school, and a few months later, my parents allowed me to spend a day at the old school which I had really enjoyed. The visit made me realise that the old school wasn't everything wonderful that I remembered. While I never loved the private school, that visit certainly made me settle better.

Definitely try to find out what it is that he is unhappy about - you may be able to work through it with the new teacher if you have a clear understanding.

Good luck with whatever you do. My eldest child is currently in a small public school, and he enjoys it so much and I have been so impressed by the staff and environment that I wouldn't move him for anything. At this age, a child's happiness in the school environment is as important, if not more so, than academic achievement.

The first thing is to find out why he's so unhappy. My eldest child started school a happy little boy, absolutely busting to get into 'big school' and learn everything. After a week or two, he'd lost all his bounce. He was still willing to go, but it was obvious something had burst his bubble. After some judicious questioning (& playground lurking), I realised another boy he'd been 'buddied' up with by the Year 6 buddies didn't like him, and was taking every opportunity to hit him, abuse him etc. My boy simply didn't understand how to deal with it - he's always been very gregarious, and thought if there was another child around, they would want to play. I spoke to the teacher, got them separated (they were also in the same class, which couldn't change, but the teacher made sure they were never placed together), and things improved.

I have learned several things through his trials and tribulations (there have been others, although now he's moving into Year 4, and school has settled down for him). Firstly, the teachers quite often have no idea what's going on with children's relationships. Secondly, many children are violent in the plaground without repercussions - they are savvy enough to stop before the teacher arrives, leaving the victim in trouble for retaliating. Finally, and most importantly, you are your child's one and only advocate at school. If you don't stand up for them, no one else is going to. There's something serious going on for your boy, WM, even if it only seems serious to him. He's so little, he needs you to fight this battle for him. If the school isn't interested in his welfare, why would you continue to send him there? And I'm with some earlier posters - save private school for secondary education, there's no real benefit in primary. And a lot of the smaller private schools have very dodgy curricula - they simply aren't worth the fees. Or your little boy's tears.

I wouldn't make any deals with him but I would get to the bottom of why he is unhappy. He's just as likely to be unhappy at the State school. Have you investigated whether or not he has social issues...is he shy? Has he got Aspergers Syndrome which make it difficult to relate to others in social situations. I'd be taking him to a psychologist if this didn't improve and no, I wouldn't be changing his school at this point in his life...he's too young to be making those decisions. Act like a parent & take the lead.

Hi there,

Just some thoughts...

I recently read an australian report that found that whether a child feels inclusion in their school community is one of the biggest factors in whether they will stay at school and enjoy it. They need to have friends, feel safe and have trust in their teacher.

I have a friend who recently transferred her 2 daughters from a catholic primary school to a public one (as they had moved) and the elder daughter in year 5 needed tutoring to catch up to the rest of her class...her old school was pretty far behind in meeting the required skills. This friend recently advised me that its more about getting a school in a decent area, NOT so much whether its public or private.

I come from a different place. I was bullied for 3 years at a state high school, changed to a catholic school in a nicer area and thrived. I felt a real sense of community at my new school, my homeroom teachers would chat to us as friends every morning, the teachers knew all of their students names. They had a fantastic arts/sports program and I thoroughly enjoyed my last 3 years of high school. So I do wonder, was it because it was private, or because it was in a good area that this school was great??

My brother who is 3 years younger on the other hand, loved the state high and hated the catholic school...now that i think about it, he never had that sense of inclusion at the private, and he did end up leaving school at the end of year 10.

At this stage we plan to move into a nicer area, pref out of sydney all together and send our kids to the public primary, and catholic High. I guess everyone makes a decision from their own experiences. Best of luck wtih your decision!!

Yes, the other thing is WHY isn't the school aware of any problems...if it is a religious based Private school I WOULD remove him.we looked at one and the teacher pool is limited as they only employ "Christians" so who's to say they get the BEST teachers...they probably don't. They were below the State average in literacy and when I asked why they didn't really have an answer other than they were trying to change it...but I heard no concrete strategy. I asked one of the senior students what was good about the school and they had no articulate answer which I would expect from a Year 12 student. Frankly for the money I thought it was pathetic plus I didn't want my child pushed into their conservative mould. More importantly for such a ypung child why do you think his reasons are valid for a move? It's your responsibility to get to the bottom of it and fix it, not have some knee jerk reaction because you child is suddenly unhappy...you'll be jumping to attention all his life "fixing things" - sometimes it's good for kids to also fix things themselves to a point without you being a helicopter parent.

Hard for me to comment... I made the opposite move (public to private)... best move in my life. Maybe it's just a change of schools he needs?

At some schools the kids are just lousy... they bully people and have their own special cliques. Public or private... if your kid isn't happy, I say move him, but also have a plan. Shifting the problem to the new school is quite likely if the problem hasn't been addressed or identified.

We, along with several other parents, removed our son after 2 years at a local small private school. The school, we found out had the worst reputation for offering anything to children either side of the norm. The school was not at all approachable about bullying, or anything actually, and did not ensure that work was done or anything. My son was like yours, and we asked him to wait till the end of the second year, so he could start afresh - worst decision ever. Two years, children have time to form firm friendships. Your son already has knowledge of children who go to this school, that he plays with, so he will have friends. His happiness in school will set him up for school for the rest of his life.
My son found it a little hard at first, as he did not know anyone at his new school, but persevered. State schools in general will offer a better level of education, especially in Primary School years. They also have a "rules" in place about classing size. At the private school, it started off at 23 per class, and by the time we left, it was up to 32!
We are happy, our son is happy, and as we do not have to pay fees, we are saving money. This money can be used for other activities, including if he needs tutoring, or anything like that.

This was my problem last year......not similar, but related, so it may help.

Last year my daughter was a first grader at German school. She speaks German fairly fluently and is intelligent, normal looking and well behaved. She is the tallest in her class by far, except maybe one boy- I think this is relevant as I was a tall girl too and its not easy when there are cuter girls half the size of you.

So, my problem was, she didn´t seem to have any friends. She had friends at kindergarten, it took a while (she started her two year stint at kindergarten speaking no German) but she ended up having good relationships with both girls and boys there and the kindergarten teachers confirmed this.

I sat down with her to organise her 7th birthday party and there seemed to be no one she wanted to invite except kids from her old kindergarten. I managed to dredge from her the names of two kids from school (one boy, one girl), so then I started asking her who she plays with at breaktime. She said she has been told to go away by the group of girls that hang out together. She mentioned she thought it might be because she is "big". There are three classes of 18 to 19 kids in first class at her school, with only one third girls- so her breaktime group is 6 or so girls who don´t include her.

I should also note my daughter did not seem unduely worried by this, but maybe she is hiding it. She is quite capable of holding herself aloof so maybe that makes things worse- maybe this is the problem.

A year later.....

My daughter is doing a lot better now- she is in second class and the efforts I made beginning with a birthday party and having classmates round for playdates has worked. She does have a few very good friends now and seems happier.

When we were planning her birthday last year and she said she didn´t have any friends to invite, I asked her "well, who would you like to be friends with?" and we went from there and invited those kids... One of those girls is now the "best friend" and they went horse riding today together! She lives around the corner so it´s also a convenient friendship for me.

So, I would say get involved with the school and help your son make friends by hosting playdates and initiating some weekend get togethers with other families.

Good Luck!

Hi there,

I believe a very important part of a child's education is derived from their social interaction not just their academic curriculum. There are many state schools that have that have both a tremendous social culture and academic record. Personally, my family unfortunately are currently living in a very poor socio economic environment where the local school children who may be bright, sweet, caring and lovely but often have uneducated and ignorant parents that I would rather have my children steer clear of. Ultimately, if my children were to go the the local state school they would be surrounded by children coming from those backgrounds and undoubtedly their parents too at times. I have been very aware of appearance, language and cultural values that I consider to be detrimental to my children's education and wish to avoid.

So when Worried Mum writes about Private v Public school choices she too may be faced with a similar problem. We opted to send our eldest who incidentally is at the same stage as WM's to the local private school for the reasons I have mentioned. Ideally I would prefer to live in a better area and take advantage of the state system but geographical boundaries at present prevent this.

On another note Dr. John Irvine's advice in this matter should be respected as he is no doubt a leading authority on these issues. I don't think that WM's concern is necessarily based on snobbery but more likely coming from common sense and concern similar to our own.

Good luck WM I hope things improve dramatically for your Child, I am very confident that Dr. John's advice will return great results.

I went to 14 schools, 6 private, 8 state.

I think it is impossible to say state or private is better -it depends on the school.

Size counts!

At larger schools I had opportunities - such as an advanced learning program at private school and 4 unit maths at state school - which were not offered by my previous smaller schools.

I absolutely hated small schools, public or private - the teachers were a law unto themselves. I only saw teachers bully students at small schools. They got away with incredible laziness and discrimination.

Small private schools are also often unwilling to take advantage of one of their greatest advantages - expelling trouble makers. Unlike large private schools.

If you live in a good area and the state school is larger, send your son there - IMHO.

As pps have suggested, there's always private high school.

My son was miserable at his new kindegarten school where the reputation was excellent. It was a public school, but I don't feel that is the issue. We ended up changing to a 'small local private school' (yes, religious and we were not) and my son thrived.

My experience has been that a new place is a new chance, my son was normally happy, social, smart... nothing to make him stand out, and simply did not make the right impression with the staff or the children (and vice versa - my son had a negative impression of them) and could not assimilate.

Early childhood is critical in developing self respect and confidence, and I personally believe that if you have the ability to move schools its NOT that big a deal and to give your child the best chance of happiness. If he is happy/confident he will have a greater chance of learning, and private/public should not be the deciding factor. I've had great experiences with both, enjoyed private schooling for my senior years and quality public at junior years.

Please dont turn it into a private/public debate, and let your child's happiness be your guide.If there are no real issues to work through then perhaps another chance and mutual good impressions will work!

Good luck!

Quite simply, your son is unlikely to get a good education if he is unhappy, doesn't matter what sort of school it is. You might think a private school education is better. That might even be true (although I don't think it is) but if he's not happy, he's not going to learn as well as he should. The important thing to find out is, why is he unhappy...

You do not need to send your child to the 'best' school for the best education. Some children will do well wherever you put them (my DH was one of those). Some children need environments where things are relaxed, others need to be pushed... more resources doesn't always mean higher marks... About the only thing that is absolute is that a dodgy teacher usually equals dodgy results for the students (although even that wasn't true for my DH). Oh and probably harsh punishments and bullying etc won't lead to great outcomes either. It is perfectly possible that your son could have a better education at the state school than the private if the state school suits him better.

First thing to do is find out WHY your son is unhappy.

Then make decisions based on the answer to that.

If he's being bullied and the school does nothing and nothing you do makes any difference then yes of course move him.

If its just a matter of being up his self esteem, then moving him isnt going to help.

Finding out why he's not happy is important. An unhappy child at school tends to become inattentive in class and therefore the best education will fail him/her. See how he goes for the next month (it's a long time in a young kids life) if he still hasn't bonded trial him at the public school - if it works out at the public school you've lost money on his happiness rather than spent money on his misery.
Different kids clique with different environments. My cousin who I'm guardian for has been to 11 different schools (all public) due to her parents moving around a lot. When she came to live with me we sent her to a school that looked great on paper, but did not challenge her at all. She lasted 2 days. We then sent her to the in area school which has and amazing array of fascilities and programs such as a TV studio, music recording studio, and a training kitchen that will be also used by a local TAFE. She has fallen in love with the school and for the first time in years attended all classes and got fantastic grades. It's the first school she has ever liked!!! They have a very strong anti-bullying policy, which works as DC says it's weird to be at a school where people aren't mean. I'm impressed by the teachers and the close bonds they seem to form with the pupils.
In the end I don't think it matters whether it's a public or private school as long as your son is thriving socially and academically.

Religion aside, I have never really understood why people send such small children to private schools. It is such a lot of money, and as others have said smaller private schools are often poorly resourced. My parents sent my 5 year old very naughty brother to a similar sounding school to try to straighten him out - it didn't work. Maybe your son is tangling with students like my brother. I don't see how taking him out of the school would affect his siblings' chances of attending a private school (unless it's the only one in your area). Honestly, if I have kids, they will be going to the public school FIRST and if that doesn't work out, I'll consider private.

As someone who changed schools in primary, and then went from a large catholic co-ed primary to a private school in year 7, i think really, you should just change schools. Like many others here, i don't actually think it's necessary for a child to have a private educate in the primary years unless they have special needs.

Even as an adacaemically gifted child in my primary school, i found that i didn't miss out on anything, and the large teacher to student ratio certainly didn't impact my learning.

Your childs happiness is important and if they are hating school i think it's important to turn this around NOW before they get older and they learn they can just stop going...

There's a lot of chance in these things. What group they get in with, how they are perceived and labelled, the associations formed. Sadly, I think once formed, these can be really hard to change (although it's good to hear about the girl where change was managed!).
I can see your concerns as you wouldn't want to just hop schools every time something goes wrong. BUT... there's something to be said for a fresh start. I remember hating my (secondary) school despite it being an amazing world class institution with phenomenal facilities and wonderful teachers. The kids were brats and I was an outsider for 2 years. I don't think it would have improved. On moving to Australia I went to the local public school with limited facilities, patchy teaching, but a really down to earth, diverse student population, and I thrived. It could easily have gone the other way - it wasn't about which school was better - the first one was in every objective measure, better. But it didn't suit me as much as the other did, which is harder to measure, and largely depends on fluke things early on. But I think it was also largely the opportunity for a fresh start.

I just cannot understand the obsession with private schools. They operate on the assumption that more money = better result. This is not the case with most things in life, so why is it so with schools?

AFAIK, my kids will learn 90% about being successful and happy in life from me and my wife. The remaining 10% they get from school. So, when you're talking ten percent, what's the reason to spend thousands of dollars??

Only people who have extremely specialised careers need a greater percentage of their learning to come from school - and even then it's going to be a University where this knowledge is acquired, not from primary and high school. The rest of us need people skills, plain and simple.

If you can work with people, you can be successful in anything - and this includes being caring and considerate of others. Tell me, what class in private school teaches that??

Well said. There's a lot more to successful schooling than the academic curriculum.

I think primary school is not so much about 'education' but more about social learning. I think the differences between most state and private primary schools (except for an elite few) in quality of education would be marginal and not worth worrying about. (tho this is not the case for high schools)
I think the most important question is: what in particular is it that is causing your son to be miserable? A bad experience with a teacher, bullying etc? Or is it a general problem with social adjustment? If you think your son would have the same problems at any school, then it is probably not worth changing. If there is something about this particular school he doesn't like, then let him go to the state school, as it is far more important that he is happy. He won't learn anything if he is stressed and miserable, and he will be put off learning before the important stuff really starts.

We had the same problem with our young son - who until he started school was the most happy-go-lucky kid you could imagine. We eventually took him out of his first school (we live in Mosman, Sydney) and enrolled him in another and the problem persisted. We then found out that the main issue seemed to be he was really struggling with the reading workload at school. So we looked around for a literacy tutor, and after trying some bigger franchises we found a really fantastic tutor who made the whole process really fun and fast (I'm sure the small, personal classes helped - the class was a maximum of six) . It changed his life totally. Now he is the strongest reader in his class and is always helping the other kids, and he finds school a breeze. Perhaps that's what you might need? Good luck, worried mum!

As a former teacher who has taught across the boards in ALL kinds of schools my answer is; private schooling is in my opinion an utter waste of money in the primary years, and, unless you live in the catchment for the worst school ever not much use in secondary. The only observation I can make is that girls tend to do better academically in secondary school in a single sex environment - unless of course the bullying/clique rubbish takes over and they collapse in an over stressed heap.

As a person who experienced both as a student I can honestly say the standard of teaching was MUCH higher in the state schools I attended.
My parents actually moved me out of the private school I attended to the state school my elder sister had attended half way through high school as they were so dissatisfied.

If you want the cudos with your friends by all means keep him at the private school. If you want a happy well rounded child (and the money to take enjoyable, educational family holidays) then go with the state option.

I think the fact that your son still has friends who are local speaks volumes. He's very unlikely to have Aspberger's or some similar social problem, rather, his social problem is with, or within, the school.

I'd lean towards moving him back pretty quick while he's still friends with the kids at the local.

There's probably value in working a bit more on getting to the bottom of it. He may just hate the forced institution that is school, period. In which case I suppose the move wouldn't make much difference.

Free/Creative/Intellectually Curious Spirit + School = 12 years of frustration, boredom, & anger. That's the nature of the beast, unfortunately.

why not arrange a play date with some of his mates from his school before school starts? get him into his local cricket/soccer club, he can play with his friends from local neighbourhood there? then have contact with friends from both? worth a try before making a big change if you are otherwise happy with the school and can afford the fees. My daughter has just finished Kindergarten and it is a big year of adjustment for them, maybe tell him that Year 1 will be much easier as he can read alot more now! and knows the routine. My kids are at the local public school which has a great reputation but not everyone is so fortunate. Best of luck!

there are some good articles on EB under Back to School but one standout re starting high school might be helpful (applicable to infants school too!) - you never know, bullying could be an issue which he hasn't mentioned if that upset about his school:

The key, he says, is to keep communication lines open and to become a good listener.

“Remember that your child might not want to talk when it suits you,” he says. “It's up to parents to be there, with full attention, when their child is in the mood to talk.

Irvine follows the line long-espoused by author Steve Biddulph – the importance of fathers.

“For far too long this has been underestimated,” he says. “I don't know of a boy before the courts who gets along with his father or stepfather.”

Bullying

When it comes to bullying, both experts agree, it's important to help your child take action and not to hesitate to go to the school if there is a problem.

“I find it useful to talk to kids about the two types of friends they will find – true friends and fair-weather friends,” Fuller says. “Often kids will say they are being bullied or left out when they are up against someone who is a fair-weather friend and not a true friend. There is a difference.

“It's useful to try to get them to broaden their bunch of friends. Go through the names of the kids and ask them to tell you who they feel is on their side, who is neutral and who hates them. The next step is to work out how they can befriend some of the kids on the neutral list.”

DR JOHN IRVINE'S TIPS FOR A SMOOTH TRANSITION TO HIGH SCHOOL

Don't go it alone. Parents need to meet other parents at the school so they have a reference group to check things with.

Take an active interest in your child's school work and activities. Attending school events is critical and getting to know the teachers can only help your child – and you.

Build resilience. Help your child learn how to deal with problems such as bullying, isolation and time management. If there is a problem you and your child can't sort out, don't hesitate to go to the school to discuss it.

I used to teach at a private school (secondary), and found that some students moved unhappily from a state school and thrived, and some moved from my school to a state school and were much happier. Go figure.

I've come to the belief that different types of schools suit different types of students, and that (within reason) parents have some kind of responsibility to pick the kind of school that will be a good fit for their child... and that their child's feelings about this really matter.

M Scott Peck in his book "the Different Drum" writes about sinking into a deep depression because the elite private school his parents wanted him to attend simply didn't "fit"... while he thrived when sent to a smaller Quaker day-school. The book is a wonderful read about parenting and community (it doesn't go into how his parents decided he was mentally ill and sent him to a psychiatric hospital for 5 weeks for the "oddness" of wanting to go to a different school to the highly academic school he attended... a bit extreme eh?)

As for the uniform and the fees... big deal... you'd still be miles ahead financially if you send him to the state school. I do understand how agonising the decision can be, but I'd advise at the very least having a chat with the principal of your local state school, and frankly discussing the possibilities of entry at the start of (or later in) the school year. The principal does tend to set the tone of a school, so your impressions of him/her count for a bit. You've nothing to lose but time (and perhaps sleep as you agonise over this).

Best wishes... with two loving parents, I'm sure your boy will turn out well in the long run whatever works out for you school-wise!

I should add M Scott Peck was 15 when he finally put his foot down that he wasn't going back to his highly academic school... so there are differences (you obviously have to make a lot more decisions for younger children). I do think the principle that children have unique souls and fit better (thus flourish more) in some settings than others does apply.

It's a hard decision.

I went to a small (but expensive) private school, the school was good, the teaching was good but I hated every minute of it and don't have a single good memory of my 6 years there.

I hated school so much I couldn't bring myself to study as it reminded me of school.
I passed my exams off nothing but remembering the classroom teaching. 14 years on I still have a great memory for remembering what I hear (pity I can't study or read).

I scored in the bottom 16% of students for my HSC, but completed an Economics degree when I enjoyed studing.

Dig deep into why your son hates school and decide if a different school will alleviate the problem as it will impact him academically if it is as bad as you say.

Mychildren both went to non government schools. I hate the word private school. My grandaughter is about to commence year 2. She started at the same non government school her mother went to and was very unhappy, Went from being a bright gregerious child to being very fearful and introverted. Last year my daughter changed her to the local state school and she hasn't looked back. Class teacher to child ratio is much smaller. She is given much more recognition and responsibility than she ever was at non government school. Within weeks of starting her new school her teacher recognized her as talented and gifted even though she wasn't finishing her work and spent a lot of time staring out of the window. At first I had a sneaking suspicion that she was more advanced in spelling and reading because of the good grounding she had in prep at non government school. It wasn't the case. Her brother is starting at the same school this year.

The fundamental differences between private and government schools are....

1. Fees

2. You get a higher proportion of kids from families who value education at private schools. This leads to students with better attitudes, but it's not absolute.

3. Private schools can expel the trouble makers. Government schools can't, and even when they do, have to accept the kids expelled from other schools.

The teachers aren't any better at private schools.

Kids get their moral and educational attitudes from their parents.

Go govt for now and maybe private for secondary.

"Is it worth persevering with the private school that I really like –but which he doesn’t"

NO!

But full disclosure - In my opinion the benefits/lessons of a public education are greater than anything a private school can ever provide. Most of these can't be quantified, whereas prestige has a dollar amount. Still, inclusiveness is much nicer than exclusiveness.

I'm sorry you are having this dilemma. Before my own children went to school I thought that that the best school would be a private primary school and I would not have considered public schools. Fortunately, I listened to he wise counsel of a colleague who stated that he "could not have bought a better education" than the education his children received at his local state school. I now have two teenagers who went to the local primary school and have done superbly well, both socially and academically. I firmly believe that the best school for little children is your local school. Children who go to the local school become part of the local community: they will make nearby friends and a whole host of other advantages. Children need the security of community much more than spending hours a week driving to some distant "better" school. Save your pennies for high school!

I too had this dilemma when one of my boys started high school. He didn't want to go to the private school he was booked into, but the local high school his older brother was at.
I had the feeling he would get lost in a large comprehensive high school, and he was not as academically inclined as his older brother.
I made a deal with him that if he was unhappy with the school at Easter, then we would talk to the headmaster and reassess the situation. I felt this gave him an "out".
I would have changed schools. I believe school years should be happy years
We were fortunate that it did work out at the school and he ended up with 6 great years there, but it was very emotionally challenging in the lead up to the start of the academic year.

Firstly, "congratulations" to your son for his discernment and for toughing it out for a year already just to please his parents. I think he is far too young to be put through another year (or more) of this torture. Primary school should be a happy time for children where they make lots of happy friends and memories to see them through things later in life with unconscious feelings and images to enrich them. It should not be an alienating and soul destroying experience.

Secondly, your son does not have a problem - it seems he just wants to be with his bosum buddies, his real friends. He has priorities and aspirations too and they differ from yours on this issue - that's all. If he is suffering panic attacks, then it's because you are not listening or hearing him and he sees his whole life panning out the same way i.e. will he ever have any control or say in his life ever again?

Thirdly a lot of children go to public primary school and then to private schools but don't forget that a lot of public secondary students go on to bigger and better things just like some of the private school students do. Also, think about how much is actually learnt at primary school - not much - it is more of a socialising device and your son wants to choose the environment where he does that.

Fourthly, a lot of the "stuff" that private schools and their students and families go on with are redundant in society now and will be more so in the future - maybe your son senses the irrelevance of the private school culture - at least to him. I've had the dubious pleasure of working with some of the less successful graduates of private schools and they have tremendous attitude problems and unattainable aspirations, so much so that they are often regarded as a joke. Maybe your son sees through the system at play at the private school in some untellable psychic way.

This story has put a knot in my abdomen, I feel for your son. Don't persist with your program, let him have the life he wants and needs. A friend of mine was shunted and shoved through the private school program and I think it was the root of the problem that lead to his wayward life and early demise. Be careful with your son's psyche!!!

To be honest I think public school is perfectly fine.... and I think if your son is happy then he will put his energy into learning rather than spending all his time worrying. Kids can get depressed too - imagine how you would feel having to go to work everyday in a place where no one would talk to you. It would be awful. Ongoing stress causes raised cortisol levels which arent good for anyone but are especially bad for children whose brains are rapidly developing. I would respect his input and let him try the public school.

BrianC:

"I went to a small (but expensive) private school, the school was good, the teaching was good but I hated every minute of it and don't have a single good memory of my 6 years there.

I hated school so much I couldn't bring myself to study as it reminded me of school.
I passed my exams off nothing but remembering the classroom teaching. 14 years on I still have a great memory for remembering what I hear (pity I can't study or read).

I scored in the bottom 16% of students for my HSC, but completed an Economics degree when I enjoyed studing."

Almost to a tee my experience with being trundled off to Tony Abbott's alma mater for my final 2 years. Absolutely awful experience, went from As to Ds, failed year 12. Once I was out of there and my father had stopped banging on about his wasted fees and calling me a loser, I was able to go and find what I wanted from study and get back into it. 20 years later I'm coming up to my 4th degree, I wish school had taught me the joy you can get from real learning and intellectual inquiry...

Dear Worried Mum;

We experienced a similar issue with our daughter at a private primary school. She was being bullied by one particular student in her first year (prep.) We thought that grade 1 would start afresh and it would all be behind us. Lo and behold it started up again in at the beginning of the new year. By the end of February we'd moved her to a public school.

The whole thing was an emotional roller coaster. We thought that she was going to stay at her first school until the end of grade 6. It really was upsetting but I can tell you that it was the best decision we've ever made. Like some of the other members have said, she has really flourished. What's more, she has advanced significantly. It is a smaller public school, but it absolutely wonderful. We are really blessed now.

They say moving is a last resort. Well, we knew when it was time. Maybe you will too.

Your son will be fine by morning tea time on his first morning.
Regardless of whether it is going to be a public or a private school as your son is not going know the difference between the 2 at his age don't make a big deal about going to school and always make positive remarks about what a good time he will have.
A good idea is perhaps go to the school on the weekend or even early that first morning and let him play on the school equipment so he feels familiar. When it comes time to leave him don't make a big deal about it as your emotion will be a big part of how he reacts. Just do a quick "see you soon" type goodbye as though you done it a million times and if you must view him playing and interacting from a distance without him seeing you.
Generally speaking the private school will provide a much better education for your son than entrusting the education of your child to the public system which revolves around bureaucracy, collectivism and mediocrity.

An education for your kids is something worth paying for.

It is a myth that a child gets a better education at a private school - perpetuated by parents who have to justify the money they spend in private school fees. There are good and bad schools and good and bad teachers in both systems. The teachers are trained in the same institutions. In most cases private school teachers have to be an active member of a church community. This means many excellent teachers can't teach in private schools. If it is a priority to you that your child's teacher goes to church, then you had better persist with the private school. If not, then put your child in a school where they are happy - that is the most important thing.

If your child has friends at the local state school, and their parents are happy with it, then why not send him with his friends? Don't waste your money on private school fees. Put it towards the mortgage, family holidays and cultural activities, and out of school experiences such as sport and music - what ever interests your children. When they are in Year 6 you can re-assess which is the best school / system for them to go into, as high school is a whole different ball game.

The most important factor for success at school is home life. If you spend quality time with your children, give them lots of support, love and experiences, help them with their homework and read to and with them, they will be successful regardless of the school.

There's no correlation between price and quality when it comes to education (in metro Sydney). I was like your son, crying, age 4 - we finally moved to the local state primary school and I got a great education grades 1-6.

Unfortunately my high school years were a nightmare of private and catholic schools. I just wanted to stay with my friends, go local, and would have had a great outcome if I had! As well as 2 hours more every day not wasted on the bus...everyone I know agrees the same. Private schools, what a waste. Some catholic schools border on dangerous in terms of their lack of regard for the students' human rights.

Parents, save your dollars and give your kid $10,000 when they finish school to travel, and/or pay for HECs and/or invest/put a deposit on a flat.

Does the training of a public school teacher differ to that of a private school teacher?
NO!
They both can go to the same Uni, do the exact same course, come out with the same grades and just apply for different jobs.
Private school is great if you'd like your developing child exposed to religion (if not already at home).
Private school is great for bringing up "snobs" and raising ladies and gentlemen.
However, they also tend be more spoilt little brats, with more prejudices, if you don't fit the mould so to speak you are out they will never like you.
If your mum doesn't dress and act like a private school mum you're out.
Public schooling: depending on the socio-economic status of the parents of the students... can be just as good if not better than the private school, it could also be worse - if you send a child to a government school in a low socio economic area he will be associating with low class citizens, people who recycle and reuse, people who may be frugal, people who may work harder (physically) have both parents working or parents split up, more likely to be exposed to people of "indigenous descent", your child may be bullied or picked on but it can happen anywhere.
I have always been pro-private school, however the parents i have met at my daughters public school have been more "real" than any of the kids / families that i went to private school with.
It doesn't make any difference to the resume, you go to Uni and then get a career (your grades are what count), can your child be an upstanding citizen and "play ladies" at the right times for the right events, and behave accordingly for different crowds? That is all that counts - your child is only a child once, do what you think is best for his childhood and longterm education.