Hi Troy,

I do feel for you both. Having a new baby, learning your way around being a parent and all that it entails while still juggling everything else that happens in life is enough for anyone, without throwing sexual dysfunction into the mix!

I have asked well-known and well-respected sex therapist and author Bettina Arndt for some advice.

“I certainly have come across this before,” she says. “It is not usual for men to struggle to retain sexual desire when their woman shifts from being their lover, their partner to become the mother of their child. The birth experience, watching their partners deal with pain, leaves some men feeling alienated and guilty that the sexual act has lead to so much suffering for their partner. Some men find it difficult to eroticize the mother of their children – they can’t shake off the old Madonna/Whore stereotypes and feel guilty about associating entertaining lusty, passionate thoughts about her while she is nurturing their young.

The feelings are natural but that doesn’t mean men should give in to them and allow them to create a chasm between you. Sexual tension can so easily corrode the intimacy and closeness in a relationship. I think it is terribly important in any circumstance where one person is sexually disinterested that they think about the impact of being constantly rejected on their partner.”

Troy, Bettina’s advice to you is that you don’t need desire to make love. Does that sound strange? It shouldn’t. It’s common though, and Bettina has actually covered this topic in detail in her latest book: ‘The Sex Diaries’ which was released earlier this year.

“Desire is a decision,” she says. “You can still make the effort to make your partner feel like a sexually desirable person – by paying compliments, teasing, kissing, tempting, seducing… all of that is possible without desire. And then you can put the canoe in the water and start paddling and see what happens… Start making love, through touching, caressing, kissing… and the chances are that you will then start to respond. The sooner you make the effort to get back in the swing of things and re-establish a lusty relationship together, the less chance there is that this tension and confusion over lost sexual desire will take over and ruin your relationship. Just do it!”

EB Members; What constructive advice do you have?

Start from scratch again.

Get a babysitter and go on dates together - a 'real' date as if you are just starting your relationship. Make it a regular 'date night'.
Do all those exciting 'new' things again.

Its about reconnecting and relearning each other.

Babies can change the whole dynamics and IMO it takes work to stay connected as a 'couple' and not allow it to get swallowed up by the 'family' aspect of life.

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What Freakypet said.

My 2cents worth (4 kids and 27years married next month):

A relationship, like a beautiful garden, needs tending and nurturing to keep growing and flourishing - even when we don't feel like tending to it. It takes work for a beautiful garden to grow, it takes work to rediscover, grow and maintain a marriage.

Great comments. And Indey - I'm glad you worked through it, it's good to know that it can be done!

This happened with us too for a while. Bettina's advice is spot on. Be gentle and sensitive with your wife with this issue - it is devastating when your partner constantly rejects you and tells you they aren't attracted to you. Major self esteem and confidence destroyer. I know that you're hurting too, but its ten times worse to be the one who's sexually rejected.

Make an effort to get things happening in the bedroom even if you don't particularly feel like it. Touching, kissing, etc etc. Don't just give up because you're not in the mood. That won't fix things. We found that with us, the more sex you have, the more sex you want. Ie start having sex regularly out of effort and pretty soon your body gets into the habit and starts expecting it and after that it starts really wanting it again. You just have to re-train yourself to think of your wife sexually again. Hold off on self-satisfying for a while - it won't take long and you'll be wanting your wife again.

That's what worked for us. Good luck. With a change in mindset and some effort (which quickly becomes fun, not work) you can bring back the passion better than ever. And its totally worth it!

Don't be surprised. It is nature's way. You will probably find her sexy again when it is time to have another baby!

Hey Toy,

I hear what you are saying. I had the samething happen with to me. We went to counselling which helped a bit but what we also did that really helped was to get to know each other again through non-sexual interaction.
We started excersising together and we also started salsa dancing. Forget that stuff about men not being able dance its rubbish.
A few lessons of salsa with your wife girating against you you'll find your wife attractive again trust me.
But most of all don't over anaylise it. It will only make it worse, be open and honest give it time but most importantly get to know each other again and have fun doing it!! and you'll end up having fun doing IT!!!!

All the best.
Bru

Troy my DH was exactly the same except his always starts when I am pregnant. He says he finds it disrespectful to me to want to be sexually intimate when as a pregnant woman I have 'bigger, more important things to be doing' (ie growing a baby). Then when breastfeeding he says that my body is a 'no-go' area because it belongs to bubby.

However, he has really made the effort this time around to kiss, hug, touch etc as opposed to totally alienating himself from me physically. I know that sometimes when he starts he is cringeing but by the end of it (whether or not it leads on to the full blown thing or not) he says he doesnt understand what his problem is because it just feels so good!

Do the little things like a kiss here, a hug and a cuddle there. Dont feel you have to pressure yourself into having intercourse but try your best to undertake to do the little intimate things that make a loving relationship happen and eventually you will get there. And dont forget to let your wife know how beautiful she is to keep up her confidence!

I'd just like to add, I believe this actually happened to me and I'm the female! I felt turned off by my partner I didnt even want his affection, it took time but now we are back to having a great friendship and great love life we once had but when my son was born I admit I was feeling the same way you are, Troy.
In a sense I think it was down to our hormones and human pheromones (you can actually get sprays now)
Here are some little facts that I think was the cause of our "turn-offs" from our partners

Hello

Similar thing happened to us after the birth of our first child but it was me that lost the desire. I don't think it was the fact I didn't find my husband attractive anymore, it was more that because I was suddenly a 'mother' I had to work through how that made me feel. It certainly didn't make me feel like a sex queen! I suddenly felt like sex was a naughty thing to do.

At first I thought it was hormones from breastfeeding but it was actually that I had to work through some issues cause our bub was born 8 weeks early and for along time I felt like I had missed out on something i.e. the rest of the pregnancy, the birthing classes, the baby shower etc. I was confused about how to feel and I put my DH's feelings last.

Anyway my point is that back then I kept thinking it was all about me. If I didn't want to make love then that was that - we wouldn't make love - I now know that in a marriage you are not always going to be horny at the same time as the other person. Like pp said you just have to go with it...you may not be into it at the start but you will get there.

I have really had to learn about this because my husband asks for it everyday!

Your desire will return, you just need to find a little bit of it and reignite it.

Just give it time.

And now you mention it, I remember reading a report last year or the year before which found that the contraceptive pill alters women's sense of smell, and that the types of pheromones she is attracted to can significantly change depending whether she is on the pill or not. A bit of a worry, really ...!!

Fair enough. Why should you find her always sexy? Women age, change -- part of life.

And anyway, there are certainly lots of women out there who no longer find their husbands sexy. Sure there are other things you can find 'attractive' about your wife though -- her talents, wit, etc.

This is a complex time for both of you. You have changed from being the 'younger generation' to parents. There is the mystery of becoming a father, and of the entire process of having a child with your wife. You have watched your wife through her pregnancy, seen her body change and, of course being part of that with her. Sex, making love is no longer only an expression of intimacy; it is more as well, and part of something bigger than you imagined. What it all means may not be conscious to you, now... but with time, hopefully you and she will eventually integrate these events into your lives.

Hi Troy,

The same thing happened to my husband and I. Neither of us were attracted to the other. He also mentioned quite candidly in conversation with friends (more than once and in front of me) that it was difficult to think of sex the same way after watching our daughter being born. I was mortified, but I could understand it. And I couldn't stand the thought of anyone else making demands of my body.

We were worried about the lack of lust but too busy to do anything about it really. We did, however, remain loyal to each other. Trusting each other was really important. We were still best friends, were still interested in each other and treated each other with respect - just without the sex.

Just before we got married one of my friends told me that when your child is born you rely on the memory of your relationship to get you through and you just have to know that the other person is still out there. I thought she just meant the first couple of months. It really took 3 years for our sex life to become easy and happy again.

With hindsight I can say:
1. We shouldn't have panicked.
2. We shouldn't have set up falsely romantic scenarios to try to remedy the situation. The contrast with how we felt and how we thought we should feel made us miserable, guilty, and lonely.
3. We still absolutely loved each other even though we were busy, tired, grumpy and not having sex.
4. We should have had a few more weekends away sans bambino.
5. I realised I should never assume that I don't feel like sex and take each moment as it comes (ha ha!)

go and play a game of just touching each other, but you can't touch each others bits and see what happens, my DH and I did this when I was pg has he hated doing it when I was pg and it was the best thing we did, we both felt good and connected with each other

I'm going to cop the flack you thought you would get. I asked my husband what he thought of that story and he said either you're lying, it is a made up stereotype, or you're just a very very shallow guy. Sorry, but I tend to think no one could be that shallow so my guess is that this is made up. And designed to be the lead-in on the bottom of The Age as well. A typical lead-in has to shock someone.

Think about it this way - how does that explain all the men who have wives who were NEVER beautiful to begin with? Or those like my friend from school who had to start helping his wife to go to the bathroom from their 10th date or so because she's disabled? Or those who nurse their partner in sickness at any age including a lot of messy, downright intimate bodily functions? Or can you write those off by thinking they're ll 70 with no libido anyway? Well they aren't. Perfectly normal men out there find their wives attractive and sexy because they love them, not the other way around.

I don't doubt the rare example exists out there of a man conditioned enough to find breastfeeding and birth a turn off. I just doubt he ends up posting in something that becomes a lead-in tag on The Age by accident. For that guy, wherever he is, you need to get over it. It is downright childish and silly and you need to recognise that. We all have ups and downs in libido, but not because of things like seeing birth or breastfeeding. Not if we are normal healthy-minded adults anyway.

So if it isn't made up you need to grow up. Otherwise The Age needs to find a different stereotype to plant on the bottom of its front page.

Really good advice on here.

The only thing I'd like to add is... don't dwell on it... particularly to your wife. I'm not saying to hide it, but don't increase her feelings of rejection by rubbing it in and restating it and focusing on it. Relax. Take pleasure in non-sexual touch when you can't follow the 'canoe' method. Most human bodies like and respond to massage/light touch and it will help maintain the intimacy till the rest comes back. Emphasise to her what you find beautiful and amazing about her, even while not sexually arousing. Make her feel beautiful and appreciated and don't focus overly on the bits of the relationship that are lacking. If it becomes a REALLY long term problem, seek help/counselling. But in the first year - it's a time of flux and stress and adjustment - go easy on yourselves.

She won't be breastfeeding forever, memories of childbirth will fade, and you'll get horny if you don't pleasure yourself. Maybe it would also help, for those times you ARE trying for the canoe method, to really compartmentalise it from 'mummy' time - i.e. don't try for an exhausted quickie after the dream feed - get baby babysat (when this becomes possible) and dress up, the salsa was a good idea, come home and snuggle and watch a movie - even if it doesn't lead to arousal you can have some nice cuddle time and get the chance to see your partner as a sexy woman again. And this will sound shallow but... once you are both more relaxed and up for a party night, get dressed up and go to a salsa club or something and watch to see if anybody perves on your wife - nothing sparks a libido like sexual jealousy! Sad but usually true...

Similar sort of thing happened to me, although it was me who lost my libido. I think it was 9 or 10 months after giving birth that we had our first 'intimate' moment and even then it was very awkward.

I didn't worry too much about it. DH and I both talked about it openly and I explained to him it's just a period I'm going through and I still loved him to bits.

We still cuddled, kissed etc but actually doing the deed took a while. Eventually my libido came back and things went back to normal.