Hi JC. I have to say, I’d be taken aback if someone else breastfed my baby without my permission, no matter how good a friend they were. And realistically, if your friend was gone for only an hour it wouldn’t have caused any real problems for her baby to NOT be fed for that length of time.

However as you said it would be a shame to ruin a ten year friendship, so I have asked Dr Ben Hartmann for some advice. Dr Hartmann is manager of the PREM Bank, Australia’s first human milk bank. This is what he has to say:

“As you may know we have been providing donor human milk to hospitalised preterm and ill infants in our hospital for the past 3 years. During the development of our milk bank managing the process safely has been our major focus. Although in general few viruses are thought to be transmitted via breastmilk there is a small risk that some extremely significant viruses (such as HIV) may be transmitted from mother to infant via breastmilk (we know that breastmilk contains many factors to protect the infant from such occurrences but these may not offer complete protection). For this reason all donors to the PREM Bank are screened in a manner consistent with the requirements for blood donation in Australia. We screen through questionnaire (medical history and lifestyle) and through blood test (HIV 1+2, Hep B+C, HTLV 1+2 and syphilis) - most milk banks internationally meet these or similar standards.

Also all donors are also required to notify the milk bank of all medications taken. And some medications, smoking and any more than occasional alcohol consumption will prevent a mother from donating.

Your concern regarding the difference in age of the two infants and that one is on solids are certainly issues to consider. These factors do influence the composition of breastmilk - but milk composition during a feed, and between different feeds can vary significantly. A breastfeeding baby can (and does) regulate their intake based on appetite and need.

I guess to summarise I would suggest that although breastmilk is an amazing and complex fluid that provides so many benefits - beyond just nutrition - to babies, the consequences of some of these risks are severe. One could only counsel parents considering the sharing of breastmilk in the knowledge that they fully understood and accepted these risks. For this reason our current policy (and that of most other countries and organisations such as WHO) is that 'donor' breastmilk should only be sourced from an appropriately managed human milk bank. Currently in Australia, milk banks (the PREM Bank being the first and largest) only have resources to provide donor milk to those most at need, that being preterm and ill hospitalised babies.”

So JC, sharing breastmilk is not risk-free. Even if you know without a shadow of doubt that you don’t have any communicable diseases that could potentially have been passed on, you can expect your friend to have that same 100% confidence – hence her reaction. My advice would be for you to give this information to your friend, along with an apology. And good luck!

Yeowch... not cool.

I'd be a bit miffed if a friend (or anyone!) breastfed my baby without asking... heck, who doesn't carry a mobile phone these days!

That said, if it was a toss up between formula or a close friends breastmilk, I'd still choose the breastmilk

I wouldn't have had a problem with it. I think most of those I hang around with now get screened to donate and feed others babes when needed anyway.

I dont think its right to breastfeed anothers baby, I would be abit disgusted but i dont think she should go really nuts at you, she after all left a bf bub with you who's prob used to being fed on demand and i assume you didnt know exactly when shed get back

Having been fed on pooled breast milk, I don't think it would bother me (as long as it was a close friend). But I would expect them to ask first (unless it was an emergency or something).

Not sure if the origional email is real - but she should have contacted the mother first - as a PP said, who doesn't have a mobile these days ...

It wouldn't bother me, but I probably would have already said - "If she is hungry just feed her".

It wouldnt have bothered me if it was a close friend but she should have asked first.

I have to admit I would be in agreeance with your friend and I understand why she isn't returning your calls, especially as you've dismissed her feelings on the matter at the end of the day it is her child not yours and she trusted you and you Violated that trust with her.

To me it is along the same line as you deciding to give her baby formula without consent becuase you formula feed your child just becuase it is breastmilk doesn't make it OK.

So if your friend is that important to you, apologise to her for over stepping the line and hopefully she will forgive in time, until then give her space if she doesn't it is sad but understandable.

Good Luck.

Your friend was gone for 1 hour and you automatically breast fed her baby ??

Was there nothing else you could do for the little one until she got back ?? Comfort, distract, give a dummy, bath, storybook, playtime - none of these other things you could have done until the mother came back ??

I think you have crossed a line by your actions. It's not simply that you may have (unknowingly) passed on a disease or infection - you simply don't go around breast feeding other people's babies WITHOUT ASKING THE MOTHER'S PERMISSION FIRST.

If it was *me* I would be so angry that you have done that - without speaking to *me* FIRST.

so not cool i wouldnt let my baby/child recieve blood products from anyone without screening first and breastmilk is the same as afterall it not just who you have had contact with in regards to disease its who they have had contact with before you and so on .I dont think I could get over that and any one who knows me would know I wouldnt approve so wouldnt do it to begin with

eww thats gross and wrong. Not just the milk bit but the action of Bfing is so personal and between mother and daughter.

I would react the same way.

can't

I think its just wrong. You don't just pick up someone elses baby and start breastfeeding it!

Wow - I wouldn't even consider feeding another baby unless I was under instruction, though I probably would have asked before the mother left if she was due a feed - and what then etc .... to breastfeed someone's baby without first asking I think is ridiculous. If it's not your child and you weren't close enough to know the child's routine, how would you know that is what she was in need of anyway? It could not be obvious to another surely in that short time frame that the baby was in dire need of feeding, or why would the mother leave her without a feed first?

Strange - I'd be ticked off!

Wow i would have reacted like your friend! Not only did you do so without asking (yep... mobile phones!) you disregarded her feelings by telling her to "chill out" and not be so "uptight" - i think thats awful! Just because you wouldn't have blinked an eye at it don't assume that is the reaction everyone would have, or that your hypothetical reaction is "right" compared to hers.

If i was upset at that, and you then insulted me, i wouldn't return your calls or emails either!

BTW - she might see breastfeeding her baby as something special, something bonding, something sacred between herself and her child, something *only* she could provide for her child.. and if so you've certainly intruded on that!

I wouldn't have an issue with my close friends breastfeeding my baby.

But I would definitely ask before I breastfed one of theirs.

Oh my, I am surprised with the response here
The only thing I think you have done wrong OP is that you didn't ask beforehand what she wanted you to do if the need arose.
I have a very close girlfriend whose little baby I fed quite often. She was going through a terrible time in her marriage and stress had her milk depleted by evening----She would bring her over, I would feed her DD and she went home and they both went to bed to sleep.

Wet nursing has been around for ever----In fact in some countries wealthy ladies are paying women to breast feed their babies whilst they either return to work or because they do not want to ruin their breasts but recognise breast milk is better for their offspring.

I know that these days that we should examine the health of the 'milk provider' screening her blood for all the nasties that she could possibly have but TBH if this girl is a very close friend I reckon I would probably have a fair idea whether she thought I was a risk or not.---( I know that you never really know)

I am also not sure that giving breast milk that is not from the mother of the child could be too much worse than making up a one off formula and giving it to a fully breast fed baby?

Each to his own I guess and YES, the baby could probably have waited an hour.

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.
If I came back and a friend told me they had fed my baby, I would have been HORRIFIED had they fed them a bottle of formula!
But had they fed them breastmilk it wouldn't have bothered me at all, I would have thanked her and continued on with our day

-Tina

hmm... well, I think I'd react the same way if someone breastfed my son without my permission

I agree that it was inappropriate to b/f a friend's baby without permission - on the other hand, it would have been good if she'd thought to suggest what to do if bub woke and was unhappy!

Personally, I have asked a girlfriend not to formula feed my bub when I needed an emergency babysitter for a crisis. She was a bit embarrassed that I had even thought she would do such a thing to someone else's child but understood why I mentioned it.

I agree with the PPs who said half the issue is the feeding, the other half is the rude response to the concerns of the mum. Not a real friend if that's how you react to them.

Finally, on the comparison of giving someone's child blood to giving breastmilk - not in the same boat. Donor breastmilk is screened the same way as blood donors but is not comparible to blood infection wise. Breastmilk has live anti-bodies that actually fight viruses and bacteria. A HIV+ mother will not automatically infect their child if they breastfeed - in fact, in developing countries it is safer to allow HIV+ mothers to feed newborns than it is to feed them formula and the risks associated with unsanitary conditions and unclean water. Full-term feeding in this situation is unsafe, but short-term is the best chance of survival.

Breastmilk isn't laden with risks to your baby, it is the safest food for them - but I agree it is socially unacceptable to breastfeed someone else's child without their permission in our western culture. It is also socially unacceptable to laugh off concerns expressed by a friend.

Oh Wow my eyes Popped when i read this thread .... I would be very upset if someone else Breastfed my baby also, friend or not. I don't know exactly how i would act, but i'm fairly certian i would go off & i probably not talk to them until i calmed down.

As you have been friends for 10yrs, i would be very angry but think i would soon calm down & forgive you. But that being said i would make certian that you never thought it approriate to breastfeed my baby again! In actual fact i'm not sure i would trust you to watch my baby again though.

I personally think breast feeding is a bonding thing and I wouldnt like anyone, best friend or not, to breast feed my child unless deemed absolutely necessary for example: I am on my deathbed, I have been gone for hours and you cannot contact me know matter how hard you have tried, or both my boobs have suddenly fallen off and I ask you to.

Wet nursing is an important part of some infants lives but not one who has a mother whom has just popped out for an hour!

Thats my opinion on that subject...

As far as apologising.... give her time. She knows you have called and have tried to make contact but let her come to terms with whatever feelings she is dealing with about this issue. Time will heal her wounds and time will bring the friendship back on course if it is supposed to be.

You made a mistake - there is a lesson in that so learn from it.

My thoughts exactly.

If one of my friends breastfed my baby without asking I would be pretty miffed. I would feel more comfortable if they expressed a feed and bottle fed, father than put my child on their boob.

She was only gone an hour... I would have called and let her know the baby woke up and was hungry.

I would be Furious, not your baby, not your right. You should of asked...simple. I for one would never speak to you again if you took that sort of liberty with my child.

I think you should have asked first, give your friend some space then say sorry.

Absolutely no doubt there is a bond that forms between mum and bub but the same can be said by FF mums who bond when they feed with a bottle.
IMO the bond with any of my 5 would never have been broken because my one of my babies was fed by another method for one feed.
What happens if you return to work and someone needs to feed your bub EBM?
It may not have been totally necessary in the OP's case due to the short time the mum was gone but there is no way that my baby's need to be nourished would be denied because I was concerned about our bond.

I would never breast feed somone elses baby,
ive been feeding babies for the last five years none stop feeding my own children, i wouldnt consider feeding a friends baby,
You havnt done a bad thing, but i would ask someone next time.
I dont know one person who would say yes though.

I am sorry but this seems to be an OTT reaction . Her intentions were not malicious, I gather she sincerely thought this would be acceptable to her friend, even though clearly she was wrong.
I guess that your reaction would be dependent on how much you valued your friendship?
IMO true friends should be excused a faux pas when the only intention was to do the right thing

I would be very hurt and angry if someone breast fed my baby without my permission.

If it was a really good friend, I'd forgive (eventually). But make no mistake, that was totally the wrong thing to do.

Not cool, no way! I would be so p*ssed off and would not be getting over it in a hurry. The only time I can think my bubs would be fed by someone else is if it was an emergency/I could not get there and if it was one of my sisters who was going to feed him. I would never let a friend feed my baby. And NO WAY would ever consider putting a friends baby to my breast if baby seemed hungry, I would be making sure we had supplies etc so baby was fed!

I would be extremely cranky if I was your friend!!! It's not something you just do without thinking and your response to her upset was poor at best.

Lesson learnt, hopefully not at the cost of your friendship.

wow because formula is the equivalent of poison isn't it

I would.
The thought of my baby being distressed , hungry and crying for an hour is far more of an issue for me than having a close friend whom I obviously trusted with my baby or I would not have left her to babysit, feed my baby with her milk.
As I said previously, I would be more upset if she had decided she was hungry and fed her with a formula in a bottle.

How about we do not turn this into a BF versus FF debate?
If you were FF your child would you like someone to give it a random feed from the breast?
I am quite sure the suggestion was not that AF is poison, for me it would be about not varying what goes into my babies tummy.

No, formula isn't poison but it is an artificial form of feeding that alters the gut lining and has other risks associated with it that breastmilk doesn't. Some mums need to use for medical reasons, not a judgement on them at all, but to give someone else's fully breastfed baby a bottle of formula has far more potential repercussions than to breastfeed it - lots of research out there to back this up (as long as it isn't funded by formula companies!).

If this was my best friend, I wouldn't have a problem. Just more surprised that she was comfortable with it.

I'm surprised feeding arrangements wasn't discussed before she left.

ETA:
DD has formula now, and I wouldn't be happy for somebody to give her a random breast feed when she hasn't had one in so long, she would probably be really confused and uncomfortable. But if she were still breastfed, I wouldn't be happy for her to have a formula feed.

ETA, Again: Sorry if I'm making no sense. Having too many brain farts today.

I would never breastfeed another mothers baby,unless I was asked to. If I knew the mother was going to be gone longer than half an hour,I would have asked what she would like me to do if the baby gets hungry.
As a pp said, try a bath, a rock in the pram, a massage to calm the baby down. Or ring the mother. Who leaves a newborn baby without being contactable?
I don't think I would mind someone giving my child EBM out of a bottle if it was an emergency,but the fact that someone else has put their breast in my babies mouth, now that would upset me.

Would love to hear what the father of the baby thinks also? I know my DH would go through the roof! He would be more concerned about the danger of disease etc . Personally I think its a bit creepy.........

Sorry I disagree. I would prefer formula than my girlfriend b/feeding my child.

If the mother only gone for an hour wouldn't you have tried to settle/cuddle the baby first before pressuming the baby was hungry? Wouldn't your friend have told her when she was last fed etc??

I think that it's abit offensive that you told her to chill out .

Hutais - I agree my hubby would go nuts!

Goodluck I hope you both can sort it out

I would have been a bit "You did wha?!" but certainly wouldn't have had a brawl with you. I don't think the young child will have any longterm issues with it all.


Gawd some mothers overreact!

I don't find the concept foreign at all. My Mum has told me many stories of how she fed a number of babies that were for adoption when she was in hospital having my sister. She even continued to go back to the hospital after she had been discharged to continuing feeding one. She also had a baby at the same time as one of her sisters and on many occassions would feed both babies as her sister did not have enough milk.

I guess for me it would be something that I would be comfortable with if it was my sister or a close friend but would feel more hesitant if it was a stranger....but then I wouldn't leave my bub with a stranger either!

OP - if I had left my bub with you I would be thankful that my bub was in such good hands and that you had taken such good care. I hope your friend finds it in her heart to forgive you.

Not on IMO. I see breastfeeding as a special time between myself and my DD.

She was gone for an hour, feeding the baby without permission was not appropriate.

I'd be really upset and would not be leaving the baby with you again...however I think I'd 'forgive' you in time.

I did ff my son and I would be ropeable if my friend did this. Not to mention how my husband would feel - he'd hit the roof!

Not just because you bf your friend's baby without asking her permission, but totally dissed her reaction by telling her to chill out and not be so uptight about it.

I don't blame her for being angry and upset. You had no right to do this. I think a very heartfelt apology is in order, if you're capable of acknowledging her feelings.

Wouldn't bother me if it was a close friend, as I'd assume that if they were such a good friend for such a long period of time and they had any issues (Hep C, HIV etc) I'd know about it. And I'd assume that anyone I was friends with that did have said issues would be smart enough to know NOT to breastfeed my child. If they were the sort of person to breastfeed another person's child knowing they had any potentially harmful problems that could be passed on via breastmilk, then I'd most likely not be friends with them anyway. So it wouldn't be an issue for me.

It would probably be an non issue relating to myself specifically anyway because if we went out we always carried a bottle or two of EBM, and there was always a bottle or two ready in the fridge at home (or a stocked freezer).

This just shows that whilst we are united by the fact we are mothers that is where the similarity stops.

I am a huge BF fan, I am a LC, I fed my babies until they were toddlers BUT my children are young adults now and it is only now that I can see that in the scheme of terrible things that can happen to your child that having one breast feed from a well intentioned close friend is NOT the end of the world.
If she was a stranger off the street that would be different but the OP was left in charge of the other mum's most precious baby---she obviously felt she was a capable and safe mum------to want to end a friendship over this is a reaction that is way out of proportion to the action.

Ooh - controversial one. I can see why the friend is acting in this manner. But I don't think I would react in that way. Maybe with a stranger but not with a close friend (more of a known quantity).

is this real???

I would be extremelly angry and disgusted.

To me & DH bf is personal between the mother and baby.

If you are good friends it something we would work thru in time, i would need some time to calm down.