I would be really, really upset. But, I don’t actually know why I have such a strong reaction to this? I think it is the intimacy of breastfeeding? Both of my DSs have were/are breastfed, but I would much prefer someone giving them a bottle of formula than breastfeeding them.

I'm not sure this thread is real.

Maybe I'm uptight but I probably wouldn't be talking to the person that did this either.

I think it's totally overstepping boundaries.

I'm all for breastmilk banks etc but obviously both parties agree to it and screening takes place.

You didn't give your friend a choice. I wouldn't be returning your calls either.

I get that fact that this woman thought that she was doing the right thing.

I wouldn't be happy though. I'm sure the baby could have waited while a phone call was made.

If my best friend breastfed my baby it honestly wouldn't bother me or my Dh.



Absolutely agree with STBG


Edited to fix spelling error.

I don't think it an applicable response to say "I would prefer my child be fed a bottle of formula than breastfed by my close friend". I dare say if the infant is fully breastfed there would be no formula to just whip up, and what if there is no dummy?


I can't really say what I would do though, having never had the pleasure of breastfeeding a child

Is this a real thread? It feels like a made-up scenario.

I personally wouldnt want anybody else breastfeeding my son. Especially without knowing until after the fact.

My friends and I share dresses, share shoes, share handbags but I don't think we would ever share breasts, especially without asking. It is hard to believe the topic of what to do if baby woke up was not discussed prior to your friend leaving your house and as previously mentioned, mobile phone, did she have one with her? Who knows when any sort of emergency could arise and you need to be able to contact the mother, not just in the case of hunger.

I think you need to give her some time, maybe write a letter of apology and admit what you did was wrong without her permission. Telling me to chill would have done the damage for some to come I'm afraid.

I agree, I had a similar situation last week ... looked after a friends baby, he was upset, I though 'wish I could chuck him on the boob' but didn't as I didn't have permission. When she got back I mentioned my thoughts and she said "I wouldn't have minded", at least I know next time it would be cool

Wouldn't care!

I think i would be "surprised" , but i wouldn't be upset or end a friendship if it was a good friend/sister etc.

In saying that i don't think i would or could Breastfeed someone else's baby to be honest. I just wouldn't be comfortable with it.

It just seems weird concept for me tobreastfeed a baby other than my own.
I would happily donate EBM if a friend needed it though.

Why do you doubt it's reality?
Perhaps the OP is a troll but this scenario has happened and will happen again. As a LC I can tell you that the OP is not unique.
The issue here is, IMO, more about the lack of communcation between two good friends. Clearly they are (or were) good friends or the baby wouldn't have been left there in the first place.
The friend who fed the baby was doing what she thought was the right thing, she obviously thought her friend would prefer her to feed the baby rather than let her cry or give her a feed that she had no idea whether the baby would be allergic to?
It seems she was wrong but she does not deserve to be villified. As I said in my previous post, in terms of terrible things that could have happened to this baby this IMO should not have been met with anymore than " Thank you for looking after her, I should have told you what to do if she woke, but for future notice, I would rather you didn't breast feed her as I am not comfortable with it"
Seriously, this is not going to ruin the relationship with mum and baby unless it is allowed to by putting far too much emphasis on what was an error in judgement.

Soontobegran- I too have BF my four children to toddlers, am also a paed nurse and an LC and as you are aware think the woman's actions are totally inapropriate, it is not for another mother to decide the right course of action for someone elses child it is crossing a boundary, in the same way smacking someone else's child, giving them a particular kind of food or taking any sort of liberty at all.
OP who calls herself a good friend may not be considered such a good friend by the babies mother, who knows what the real story is and who cares she did someonething to a child that was not hers without the permission of the parent. I am not against a baby being given another mothers breastmilk there is certainly a time and place for it...but without consent it is wrong.

I would have a major issue with my child feeding from another woman's breast. Unless it was an absolute emergency!

lol....I think this person is just getting the info for something she is writing at the moment.
She even has a website on her profile...interesting topic though.
Very divided.....

Inappropriate in this case YES! You can not assume it is going to be inappropriate for everyone? There are many women who are perfectly comfortable with this, I have seen it more than once and have done it myself. We must be careful as LC's to not make judgements based on out own likes and dislikes.
This is ONLY wrong if one of the parties involved think so.
I have said several times that in this case the problem is that they did not talk about it and there was no permission---I do not know where you have read me saying otherwise.
My issue here is with the attitude to the OP. In this case her actions were not appreciated and whilst THIS mother was horrified by what happened another mother may have been perfectly happy that she gave breast milk rather than a formula. If the baby has been totally BF to introduce a formula could have been far more detrimental to the health of the baby than the breast milk of the OP.

Soontobegran- As a proffesional no consent is wrong period, as I previously mentioned, if you want to feed someone elses child...go for your life just ask for consent. I am not here in a proffesional capacity therefor am entitled to my own opinion..however my advice as a proffesional would be the same, do not asssume that what is right for you will be right for someone else. My personal stand has not and will not change..you do not take liberties with other peoples children as OPs post has shown it can blow up in ones face.

Totally not cool! and if someone did that to me, I would of smacked them in the mouth

I totally agree with this

I think its funny that the 'proffesional' can't spell PROFESSIONAL!

My son is breastfed by my partner and also has formula (due to low supply) but I would not be impressed if a friend breastfed him in the same situation.

If it was an emergency and we were stuck further away for hours, or she called to ask consent, then maybe, but I would be pretty angry if someone else BF my child while I popped down the the shops quickly.

Surely a phone call was in order at least?

OMG! Gross! How dare you take that upon yourself... and I would never talk to you again either!!

Erin28...why? is your life really so meaningless that the most you have to offer this post is a one liner on spelling....get a life.

I just thought it was hilarious!!!

Like i prev said while i do find it abit creepy what was she to do let the baby scream until the mother got back and no not everyone has a mobile, who said how long she was going to be.

So i do think the mothers reaction is over the top she should have left better instructions for the care of her child

Original quote says an hour.

Firstly, I would never leave my 5-ish month old baby with someone I didn't know better than the back of my own hand. Your friend clearly didn't know you well enough to know how you'd react to her baby's needs.
Secondly, she ought to have left you sufficient instruction in case of waking/crying. I most certainly would have.

The PPs' knee-jerk vitriol notwithstanding, I don't think the blame is entirely the OPs.

I would BF another person's child should they ask me. However I wouldn't do it if I had any doubt the other mother would be uncomfortable with it. The OP should have contacted the baby's mother, and clearly she misjudged the depth of her friendship, but I don't think it's a decision worth binning a close relationship over.

Wow i honestly don't know how i would feel in this situation.

Firstly i would always feed my baby before leaving, i would leave clear instructions as to what was expected in regards to my baby becoming unsettled.

I would definately expect a phone call to let me know my child was upset.

Honestly it's a hard one.

Like many other posters i'd be horrified if anyone at all gave my baby formula but everyone who knows me and my baby knows formula is not an option.
I would also hate to think my child was left upset or crying for any real period of time.
BUT
I also wouldn't like someone else to BF my baby.

I really need to think more about this as i don't like any of the options.
I think though in the end a bf would be better than any of them but it would have to be something i consented to not just a friend doing it without asking or taking my feelings into consideration, or without exhausting all other options of settling my baby.

Are you a Lactation consultant and trained nurse? I am surprised that as a LC you have not come across this before. In some cultures it is quite common and very acceptable.
I am afraid you have not comprehended what I said because I AGREE that the issue here was poor communication and lack of permission.
In this case it was the wrong thing to do however some mums would be perfectly OK with what happened, preferring their baby to have the breast milk of a close friend rather than formula.

I am recommending neither-- For me I have no problem with wet nursing if the wet nurse has been screened or she is a very close friend or family member, however it should never happen unless both parties have had a meeting of the minds.

yuck.

You violated a special bond that a mother has with her child, you crossed a boundary and encroached on something that is done for some women with intimacy and protection. The fact that you now feel that you are the victim just shows that you don't get it, and quite frankly I am surprised that you are even friends with someone that you clearly do not respect.

As others have touched on you should have asked, you should have known whether this was ok, clearly you do not know what constitutes a bonded friendship.

Blossoms_Promise, what needs to be remembered is that whilst it is your opinion that she has violated a special bond there are others who do not feel this way.
Obviously the friend of the OP thinks as you do but please do not presume that every mother will feel her bond is violated because someone has given their child one breast feed in preference to FF.
I am sure that mums who FF also feel a special bond with their child when they feed, do they not allow someone to do a feed for them if the need arises?

There is blame for both parties here, the mother has left her baby with absolutely no instructions as to what to do if she woke and was hungry. To accuse the OP of not respecting the babies mother or not knowing what a bonded friendship is IMO unfair and an over reaction.

The fact is the friend made a decision when in absence of any instruction from the mother, that she thought was the best option. It was not a malicious act, although it was inappropriate in this case as both mothers did not discuss what was to happen if the baby cried. The OP, being left in charge of the baby obviously made her decision based on what she 'thought' was right in the absense of other instructions

As I have previously said, in the scheme of things that could have happened when this mother left her baby with her friend it is unfortunate, but it should not be treated as the end of the world or the end of a friendship that has lasted many years. Good friends are to be nurtured and not thrown by the wayside because of poor planning and poor decision making.

Soontobegran I can see your point obviously though this mother is angry for some reason and I am throwing caution to the wind here but I am guessing that it has something to do with her friend breastfeeding her child. I wrote this as meaning that some women (not all)

Please do not assume that I am suggesting that mothers who formula feed babies are not emotionally connected to their babies, that is such a silly thing to even think that I have suggested that, you know that I was not even remotely making that statement, please do not make things out of what I am writing in my posts.

And you playing devils advocate here is acceptable? IN MY OPINION what this person did was show disrespect for her friends boundaries plain and simple. My friends know where they stand with me and what I would find to be suitable behaviour, remember this question has been put to us to seek our opinions (personal) if the OP wanted a popularity poll on what this friend did then she would have started one.

I'm not a mum, but I would be horrified- seems like there were possibly some better options for OP & she was quite insensitive to her friends feelings.

If it were a close friend & my child was an infant I wouldn't have a problem with it. I would be uncomfortable with it if my child was a toddler. I would be horrified if my breastfed baby was given a bottle of formula instead.

Neither of my boys have ever had formula, but I don't think I understand where you (and others who have stated this) are coming from. Is it that you would be worried about a reaction to the ingredients in the formula or is it something else? Not being argumentative, I actually am not quite sure what your reasoning is. Thank you.

I think that to some mothers formula is the worst possible thing in the world for a baby, rates lower than beer!

I'd be thoroughly annoyed too. If I was gone for hours and uncontactable then I'd be fine with it, if we discussed it first and I'd be gone a long time then I'd be fine with it (not sure about DH though...) A friend would have to specifically and explicitly ask me to before I would do it.

For 1 hour? What a joke. Not only are there other ways to distract a baby, but thanks for stuffing up the newly established routine, mum's boobs now probably exploding with milk, disrupt her supply etc. Seriously, just think and ask first!

Then insulting her? What a pious twit. I wouldn't be speaking to her for a while either.

I don't!

I'd be very surprised, shocked even, if this happened to me. I'm not at all bothered by the concept of someone else feeding my baby and it certainly doesn't gross me out, but I would be very unhappy if it happened without my permission.

And it would have to be under fairly extraordinary circumstances rather than a decision made casually - I have a supply to maintain after all and having a feed missed because somebody else has already done it would leave me with a few extra hours of full aching breasts!

As I've mentioned before my DD was BF by my sister for a day but I was in the ER with a morphine drip at the time! It's not acceptable as a casual occurance and wihout the mothers permission.

I was thinking of you Domsmummy when I read the OP. I think that's an amazing thing to be able to do for a sister.

(and yes, now I've just winked at you.)

sassm- OT, but your DD is absolutely gorgeous!!!

Meh. I small a rat.

Who leaves their (4 month old?) baby with someone, when there is a chance they'll wake up starving the second they walk out the door?

Who leaves their 4 month old baby with someone, anyone, without taking their mobile phone so they can be contacted? Or, at a minimum, instructions on what to do if they wake up?

Who breastfeeds another persons child, before even thinking to call them to say "i think so and so is hungry"?

Who breastfeeds another persons child, without asking, when they've never done it before?

Yeah, I think the post is clearly designed to create a bit of discussion. It is in the 'Blog' spot after all. Isn't that what writer of 'help' columns do - make sure they get some 'interesting' ones ...

One of my close friends did that with their best friends baby.
She was popping down the shops to get them all some lunch, babies were about the same age, her bf's baby started crying so she stuck her on. Friend came back, didnt bat an eyelash. They had never done it before, but they were as close as sisters.



erm.. no. I myself feel that if my exclusively breast fed baby was to receive formula it would upset the balance in their tummy, may cause some wind and tummy pain, and its just something I am not comfortable, just as others are not comfortable with their baby being fed by another mother.

ETA: I have used formula and dont think its evil for the record.

And this is the blog section, and coincidentally the blog was posted just after an old "would you give you baby donated milk" thread was dragged up after a year...

As SBTG and others have said, I think it is a problem of lack of communication between the mother and her babysitting friend. I find it strange that the mother did not leave clear instructions on 'what to do if baby is unsettled'. I too would be annoyed, if this happened to my DS without my permission, unless I was hit by a bus or some other catastrophe that meant I was gone for much longer than planned and my baby was hungry. And I would be equally annoyed if they fed my breast-fed baby formula.

FWIW I would also be cross if the babysitting friend decided that my baby was uncomfortable and gave Nurofen or Panadol without checking with me first (assuming she is not a health professional), so it's not just the breast feeding issue, it's the whole lack of communication whilst caring for another person's baby.

Don't know that I would toss out a long term friendship for this though.

I'm not a parent as yet. But I admit this would shock the hell out of me. I understand and appreciate the importance of Wet Nursing and the BMB. It's not that unusual. But the issue here is not leaving adequate instructions, and consent.

Your friend shouldn't have left without instructions as to what to do if her little one woke up. If there was a chnace bub would be hungry, leave EBM in a bottle to give the little one when she woke. Or persevere with a dummy, or other distraction. That was the first mistake. The second was feeding without her permission. Had you called to ask the reaction would have been different perhaps. The third was dismissing her feelings...I wouldn't end a friendship over something like this and as STBG says it's not the end of world in the broad scheme of things.

FF vrs BF is not the issue. That ebing said I would never FF if the bub was used to BM or vice versa. I don't even know yet if when the time I want to BF - but hey I wouldn't undermine someone else's choice either.

Apologise profusely...and then give her time. You both did the wrong thing

If it were me I would have reacted the same way as your friend. Who are you to just assume you are able to feed someone elses child???? Just because you thinks its okay, not everyone would.

I leave my children with very very very few people, especially as babies. If I did leave them with someone as a baby, they would either have EBM as I choose not to use formulas with my children, or I would be happy for them to breastfeed if they were also breastfeeding.

Also, they know this. We've discussed it -and that makes a big difference. For those few people who are breastfeeding who I would leave my baby with, I would have no problem at all with it. I know my Mum didn't when we were little and it seems to be just Western cultures where this is 'disgusting' but then again, Western societies are so... challenged... in other ways as well so...

I think the main issue here is 'lack of consent' by the mother, to something the person caring for the child, did and this is a problem because obviously the two mothers involved have very different ideas about what is ok when it comes to feeding.

One hour is a very long time for a little person to wait for a feed if they're asking for it.
Surely the mother leaving the child ought to have given her friend options or contingencies should the baby have woken needing a feed... ?

eta

yes and I wholeheartedly agree with soontobegran.

The mother who left the baby with her friend also needs to take some responsibility for the reasons given above. Both parties made errors in judgement.

Even very strong friendships don't mean that every conceivable topic has been covered - obviously this topic wasn't covered by these two.

I was once at a party where the host fed my DS with her EBM while I was in the other room - without asking! I walked into the room while it was happening, to see a bunch of women all watching and giggling about how cute it was! I was furious! Partly due to the Ewww factor. And partly due to the fact that it made me feel inadequate (I wasn't able to breastfeed - DS was formula fed).

If I had that reaction to EBM, someone putting DS on their breast would have made me go through the roof!