Hi Jeannie,

Well, it's an irreversible situation, so it makes sense to face it head-on and deal with it. I’ve got to say it though – are you really, truly telling the truth when you say that you were “shocked” by your partner’s anger over the pregnancy? Was he even listening when you said you were clucky, or was he watching TV, playing computer games or drunk at the time?

I'm not criticising, just saying that if you based your decision to go off the pill on one comment, you probably need to be a bit more understanding about his level of anger. And I’m sure there are options other than abortion or splitting up! In fact there’s definitely other options, and I’ve asked well-known psychologist and relationship guru Toby Green for some tips on how to potentially move forward from here.

“I would definitely suggest some counselling,” she says. “It may only need one good session where they can both explain to an independent third party what their reasons are for wanting/not wanting this pregnancy. Quite often the stated reason may not be the whole story.

For example, the male partner has said that it’s all about the loss of income and delay of house purchase. But underneath that reason may be a whole host of other issues, such as him feeling overwhelmed by the relationship as a whole, or feeling a lack of control, that she is making all the decisions, is domineering, whatever. These are just examples – you can never tell until you have a proper discussion what issues may lie underneath a stated objection.”

Toby also explained that once you are sure what the real issues are you can be proactive about finding a solution to them. “In this case it may be that Jeannie needs to do her sums and show her partner how they can still achieve their original home ownership goal even with the addition to the family,” she says. “This may involve compromise on her part, whether she gets a part time job to bring in some extra income, or focuses on cutting back spending. She may need to put together a budget to demonstrate to what extent she can offset the disruption that the pregnancy has caused to their original plans.”

So there you are. There’s no quick and easy solution – the important thing is to talk (with a third party) and probably be prepared to hear some hurtful things. When you have cleared the air you can then work out a plan to achieve the goals that are the most important to each of you. It may take hard work and compromise, but with any luck those goals will still involve each other!

EB Members: What’s your advice?

I don't think he agreed, sounds like an off the cuff comment, not a discussion about having another child.

I totally agree... You and your partner were BOTH in on it. Hate to use cliche's but "it takes 2 to tango"... Keep your head up! I'm sure everything will work out fine. Good luck!

She wasn't "accidentally' pregnant, if they both agreed to have an other baby.

If he just said yes and wasn't listening properly then he should have put a condom on.

A baby won't ruin her of his life. It might make it a little harder, but there are a lot of people with 2 kids who have been able to buy a house, so if that's the only reason why he's so upset, it's not the end of the world, if you are both wanting to buy a house and are saving and/or already have some savings set up that dream can still happen.

He must have also maybe been shocked, maybe he also thought ' yeah I want an other baby, just not for an other year or so' but didn't express that in words, the girl also didn't take the conversation any further and automatically went of the pill after hearing a 'yes' and assumed he meant he wanted a baby asap.

By what I see there seemed to have been little conversation about when they were both happy to start concieving. I want an other baby, so does DF, but we have different times in mind as to when we should have one, the thing is we have talked and I think that's something this couple have lacked, communication.

When will men remember that every "bo*k" can lead to pregnancy? That even though the woman in the story went off the OCP, contraceptives can fail? Don't think so? In that case, I'd like you to meet our bby number 4.


He had sex, there was ALWAYS the chance of a pregnancy happening.
He needs a jolly good kick up the a**e, then sit through Biology 101 again.

Next time maybe he should 'actually' listen to her instead of lamely agreeing.

I dont think he agreed either, i believe he said Not " honey why dont you go off the pill and lets start trying...."

Hmmmm i think your DP has every right to be angry, having a baby needs to be discussd more in depth then an exchange of fly by remarks.

And im sorry, but to those women who think the man should have been wearing a condom if he didnt want his DP to get pregnant...OMG are you for real. How many women out there are responsible for their birth control once in long term committed relationships..i would say 90%, so i imagine this man didnt even think their was an issue, i suspect he didnt even know you went off the pill in order to cover himself...so yea i would be p*ssed off too if i were him.

However i do suggest like the op that you go to counselling to sort out your issues.

deleted, can't be bothered.

Don't be sorry, you can't help it.

Everybody shoudl be responsible for birth control. Every person who doesn't want to have a child should be responsible themsleves.

If you're big enough and ugly enough to be in a sexual relationship, then you're big enough and ugly enough to understand that the pill isn't copmpletely effective. And if you're that sure you don't want (more) children (sure enough that you'd be a horrible prick once it happens), then you should be more responsible about what you put where.

Are you people for real??

Jeannie is right when she describes the situation as a terrrible case of miscommunication. The bloke did not say yes, it would be lovely, let's start trying now. He had no idea what was about to hit him.

Both partners need to admit the other has a right to be angry, forgive each other and move on to deal with the situation. Counselling may be the best way to deal with this.

I think both parties need to take responsibility for the communication failure.
Does she now have the right to be angry in return given he has misled her as to his feelings about another child?
They both acted in good faith believing the other party was on the same page, they both need to acknowledge they now have to accept the consequences of not communicating.

Please stay on topic. Personal attacks and rude comments have and will be removed.

Why would the man have put a condom on? Did she even tell him she went off the pill?
It certainly doesn't sound like it. If she did not tell him why would he be psychic and suddenly feel the need to use condoms. The fact that she did not tell him exposes the truth that she knew she was forcing a situation on him


Exactly

We discuss random things in our house too but it doesn't give one "partner" licence to instigate it happening. For example we have discussed getting a certain type of car. Whilst I agree in principle with his desires I would be livid if he went and made it happen without discussing it in more detail.

I am not saying that having another child is as minor as buying a new car at all. But in that context it deserves far more than an off the cuff one liner observation.

He has every right to be furious as she broke a major trust issue and whilst I am sure he will love and support the child its whole life he may not be able to love her the same way again.

Maybe I just talk alot, but my DH and I have longer conversations about what to order for dinner! I can't imagine, in the course of stopping taking the pill, DTD etc. for the next 30 days never mentioning it again?

For those querying the discussion length - I have to tell you that for the 3 planned pgs we had (not counting the 4th surprise pg), we didn't have much longer discussions than that. The lagunage may have been more specific as in "let's try this month" but that was about it.

If we are not to trust the pill to work why bother taking it at all. Oh thats right because we cannot trust condoms either.

Lets suggest that everyone who does not want children have an IUD, take the pill, implanon and condoms all at the same time. Better yet they should just NEVER have sex "just in case"

If the female in a monogamous relationship has taken on the responsibility to take the pill she is obligated to take it so that it performs at its optimum capacity. This means regularly at the same time each day and to inform her partner if she has been ill or is on antibiotics or just plain forgot to take it properly.

This is her RESPONSIBILITY. If she informs him of any changes THEN it becomes his responsibility or choice to use a condom.

I don't buy the 'accidentally fell pregnant' line.

I agree with PP, if you are big enough to be in a sexual relationship, then you are big enough to take some responsibility & use contraception.

Some women can be very manipulative.....



Totally agree......

DH & I had many discussions about conceiving #2 - we never made flippant comments like this & acted on them It's not like buying a toaster....

It does happen. We fell pg with DD despite using condoms.

Kids are far more reliable than your average toaster.

Daisy Goat, my sentiments exactly! I couldnt have said it better myself!

This question has to many variables to put to a forum, there are too many factors that we have not been told about this relationship.

In the past this couple may have communicated in this manner, which is why the woman did what she did. We are only having a small glimpse of this couples relationship, we are assuming that they 'usually' have indepth conversations about important subjects, if this was so then yeah what she did was wrong, but if this bloke was readily dismissive in most things and really was leaving the choice to her then he needs to get a grip and realise that some decisions in life need some actual input.

The fact that you have put 'accidentally' pregnant implies that you think the woman was being deceitful, which makes me wonder why when you have already made up your mind that she was being dishonest you needed to post this here?

This situation is not 'accidential' it was a miscommunication between spouses.

How ridiculous.

Is your relationship built on so little communication that you took this:


to mean "yes, I think you should immediatley go off the pill. Let's have a baby NOW".

I agree with DG. Contraception only becomes the husband's responsibility if his wife informs him that she has stopped taking the pill.

Hi Ratbags. The " " around the word accidentally was actually Jeannie's emphasis. When she spoke to me she said that she had sort of accidentally gotten pregnant. When I asked her how you sort of accidentally get pregnant she explained that she had intended to get pregnant but that she wasn't expecting it to happen that quickly.

How can you accidentially get pregnant when you intentionally went off the pill?
Did you even tell him you were going off the pill.
Of course he is furious. DER!

I don't believe he should of worn a condom if he didn't want a baby. They had an agreed method of contraception which as far as he knew was still in place.

Still maintain that well it's happened, DH/P now needs to "man up" about it.

Ok fair enough Justine, but can I ask how has she convinced herself that she got pregnant "accidentially"? By the sounds of it she knows that she has stuffed up and maybe it is this dishonesty that her DH is finding so hurtful?

With that in mind this is where I agree with DG's post, she did not have the actual conversation with her DH of "should we go off all contraception and try for a baby?" her conversation probably translated to him as "a sibling for Johnny would be nice wouldn't it?" meaning in the future when they are more settled, not now!

The fact that she didn't even tell her DH that she was removing herself from the pill tells me that she KNEW what he meant, this is what happens when you lie and are deceitful to people you get an unexpected reaction.

Now that a baby is on the way, then yeah he needs to deal with it, but also she needs to deal with the potential that she has ruined her marriage through dishonesty.

Where does it say that she didn't tell her DP that she was going off the pill?

Totally agree with Daisy Goat.

I think you acted on his comment without further discussion, hoping to surprise him with the news but it didn't turn out how you expected. Had you "accidently" fell while on the pill, I bet his reaction would have been different.

Its called reading between the lines, if she had told him she went off the pill it wouldnt be an "accident" now would it because they both would have been aware of the consequences and he wouldnt be angry now would he!!! Think about it

I think he has every right to be furious.

Why does a man have to "man up" when he has been deceived.

I feel so sorry for men these days!!!!

Exactly, you don't have a conversation about having another baby, that is 2 lines and never discuss it again until the wife has snuck into the bathroom to do a HPT.

I agree that the DH has every right to be angry! The "accidentally" pregnant is in inverted commas for a good reason! She deceived him, pure and simple!

Unless contraception fails (which in this case is NOT what happened) there are no OOPS babies in my books! Or you take precautions or you have sex knowingly realising that there is a chance you will procreate!

I hope the OP came out and told DH that she went off the pill! Otherwise this whole scenario will just get a whole lot messier!

The man has no "blame" in this if "blame" is the right word to use! He is not the instigator here....he is the victim in a web of deceipt! Sure he's angry and he will probably have to face the music but it doesn't preclude him the right of ANGER and lots of it!

I agree with others, he didnt really agree.

Ive got kids, and each time Ive mentioned being clucky he said ok. However we never ever made plans until we had discussed it properly eg finances, best time etc.
Only then would we go ahead.

Ive got a sister who stupidly got pregnant with boyfriend on purpose ('Im on the pill' lie to partner) and it caused huge amount of problems. They did split by the time the child was 12months old.
So I know women do this more often than people realise. It can end happily but also can end in a split.

Getting pregnant without a partner in full agreement, is never going to start off in a good way.


J

Do you know how long it took my DH to chose the kind of toaster he wanted.

To me it sounds like she just got the answer she wanted and used it as a go ahead to do what she wanted. Surely it's obvious that you can't decide to have a child so flippantly after the plans they already had to buy a house?

A good point, ratbags. And I don't know - but I think most of us can manage to convince ourselves of something if we try hard enough, and particularly if our intentions weren't to cause problems to begin with!

And then intentionally had sex around ovulation. Bizzare choice of wording.



Agree with Mex, toasters are very hard to shop for. I much prefer the conversations about pregnancy and conception with Dh.



Agree and now she probably has had an attack of her conscience (sp??) and is all woe is me. I dont think in this situation its about the husband "man'ing up" I think its about the woman accepting responsibility for her far too hasty decision and then acting like the victim when its all said and done.

One thing that I think is important in this situation is that irrespective of whether they fully discussed the pregnancy and who should have taken what precautions, the fact is that they are going to have another baby together, to add to the one child that they already have. So the bottom line is, they need to work out a way to resolve their conflict and move forward - together. What specific tips would EB readers have to help them do that?

You're in the wrong place if you are looking for advice, all you'll get here is opinions and jdgements!

Should have warn a condom? His long-term partners on the pill and he trusted that. Get some ethics people!

So what strategies would you suggest for them to work it out and move forward together?

Damage is done.
All she can do now is to fess up that she went off the pill, admit (if it truly was the case) that she did not expect pregnancy to happen so quickly, that baby is on the way regardless and he can stand up with her and their child or F off
If you wait till you are financially stable enough to raise a child, you may as well never have a child as you will never have enough to give a child everything that you WISH you could give them

Furious, as he has every bloody right to be.



Amen to this. Did she tell him she was going off.

I have had longer conversations with men about choosing takeaway....

Talk it through and confess going off the pill. Let him have his RIGHTLY say if he wants to go through with it, since he was DECIEVED into creating the pregnancy. Normally I say he didn't wrap it, no choice, but deception and entrapment like *this* is another story!!

Work out of it is financially and emotionally viable to keep the baby, and beg his forgiveness for being a cow. And good luck. Because if it was me, and I did go through with it, that baby would forever be a memory that you had decieved me and tried to push me into something.

Oh my goodness - what a mess.

While I can truely understand the desire to have more children, deception is not the way to go. Her dh did ot say - no way, no more kids for me, so the opportunity was there for the future. Now it seems she has broken her partners trust and possibly denied both of her children a stable home.

I think the only way they are going to make it through this as a couple is if she accepts fully that she made a bad move andf as a result has a rightfully irate husband. She needs to come clean to him explain that she was deceptive and I mean full disclosure if she wants any chance of regaining hisd trust.

If she does that then they can move forward, look at ther financial situation and see how thery can afford to continue with their original plans of buying a house. This may well mean she has to forgo some of her luxuries, make some of what she now sees as necessities as luxuries or find cheaper ways to maintain her current lifestyle. If she has a wonderful husband he may be willing to cut corners too, but she is going to have to give for a good while.

I agree with the majority. Not very much communication going on at all. If the plan was to buy a house before you had another baby, why didn't you talk about that?
"darling I'd love another baby, maybe we should put the house on hold for now?"

If it were me & my partner had said "That would be wonderful wouldn't it?" I'd ask for a yes or no answer, not just jump to conclusions & go off contraception without my partners knowledge.
I think he has every right to be angry & upset.

Call me naive, but I never thought it would have seen so easy to fall pregnant 1 month off the pill.

I think councelling would be a good idea.



Doesn't say she did tell either. Maybe it's just silly little me, but after my partner & I had decided to try for another baby I would have said something like " ok so I will go off contraception at this time" Sure, we are assuming, but it also seems clear she didn't since her partner is 'furious' about it.

Im suprised by alot of these comments saying he should have worn a condom. They are in a long term relationship and from the sounds of it, he thought she was on the pill. There comes a certain point when its not the guys fault for getting caught out and he should have worn a condom. If you have been together for years - should your husband still be taking all precautions against you, even when you are on the pill? Its all very well if there is a genuine accident but she went off the pill after a passing comment

He made a passing comment that another child would be lovely (yesterday i made the passing comment that id love to move to an island in thailand), she has gone off the pill and fallen pregnant right away and he is furious.

This implies to me that she has taken the passing comment as a yes and then gone off the pill and is now dealing with the fall-out

I dont mean to be harsh but this isnt a miscommunication, i think you wanted another baby, were happy when he made a passing comment and then just went off and got it happening. Surely you told him you were going off the pill, you mentioned trying for a baby when having sex etc etc etc? If thats the case then yes his fault but if you just went off the pill following a passing comment and didnt say anything again then he is right to be furious

I'm amazed at some of the comments here!

I don't think my situation is out of the ordinary where my husband and I have discussed our birth control and then he doesn't need to "take further precautions" in case I have reneged! I would actually be mortified if he trusted me so little that he felt the need to use a condom when we'd decided on other forms of contraception

"Jeannie" is deceitful and I would be very disappointed to be married to someone who is so disrespectful and underhanded.

She needs to come clean and admit - even to herself - that she was being underhanded. If she is going to be defensive and even play the victim , she cannot be trusted to act like an adult. Otherwise the prospects for an ongoing relationship are not good.

counseling, honesty and time.

If that's what he needs, give it to him. Or he might decide to leave.

Manipulation, trickery and deceit make bad marriages.

This person needs to look into whether this runs deeper in the relationship than just this one incident. Is this something that happens often? Is he angry because it's another incident in which he's been manipulated?

What a bunch of biatches! You are all up on your high-horses aren't you? What's done is done. Maybe some advice on what to do next would be more productive!