Hi M.

As an only child myself I never really understood the whole sibling rivalry thing – until I had three kids of my own!! My instinctive advice to you would be to buy a megaphone and a shiny silver whistle to wear around your neck. Seeing as that’s probably not constructive though, I have asked parenting expert and author of ‘Why first borns rule the world and last borns want to change it’ (one of my favourite all-time books) Michael Grose for some advice.

“What you’re describing is a common situation, particularly when you have three children of the same sex,” he says. “The first born is very often the apple of their parent’s eye and when the second child arrives there isn’t quite the same fanfare. Then suddenly that second child is supplanted by another baby, so they don’t even have the distinction of being the youngest.

Kids are all different though in many ways and realistically as an individual it’s easier to respond to some kids than others, whether that’s because of their temperament or their place in the family. You need to be willing to admit (to yourself) that, while you always love your kids you won’t necessarily always like them all the time.”

Michael suggests some great strategies that you can use to overcome these temporary conflicts:

• “Firstly, be mindful not to put your oldest on a pedestal,” he says. “First-borns can have a vested interest in making sure that the second child is seen as “the naughty one”. Oldest children can sometimes be praise junkies and there can be a sense that “the worse he looks, the better I am”, so sometimes they will go out of their way to draw your attention to any negative behaviour by the second child. “Look, Mum, he’s doing it again!” type of thing. This can make the middle child feel discouraged, so it’s worth not always responding to the dobbing.”

• Michael also suggests making a concentrated effort to spend one-on-one time with the middle child. It can be difficult to achieve when you are juggling three kids, but even 10 minutes can make a difference. As a father of three, Michael said that a strategy he used was to read a book to each child separately at bedtime, rather than one communal book. Makes bedtimes longer – but worth the effort!

• Find a special talent for your middle child that neither of the other two do. Whether it’s a particular sport or other hobby, make it something that he really enjoys and which is his alone. Resist the urge to allow the youngest child to take up that same hobby as well!

“Realistically, 4 is a difficult age for a second child,” says Michael. “He may have developed faster than your oldest and may well be ready for school before his time. It could make him a bit painful to deal with at the moment. On a positive note though, middle children do develop special characteristics because of their birth-order and he may turn out to be a more resilient and more flexible kid.”

I hope this has helped a bit, M. For more information on Michael, check out his website: www.parentingideas.com.au. And I’m sure our readers will have some great tips for you as well.

EB Members: What’s your advice for “M”?

UPDATE: M reported that she has been giving the "separate books at bedtime" suggestion a go and, while it is early days, it does seem to be making a difference!

there is allot of help u can get i not long started using this http://www.thebehaviorsolution.com/getcont...?hop=libbyleigh
she is wonderful has great advice i have a 5 year old girl and a 3 year old girl i`m also half way through pregnancy with my little boy my 3 year old started playing up really bad i was pulling my hair out i was ready to try anything and did try a few things but this lady is fantastic hope she can work for you as she did for me i know it says ages between 7 and 14 but it works for all ages

... a gentle reminder to readers posting comments that this isn't a forum for business promotion ... Thanks!

I have no advice, but I could have written that first post. That's exactly our experience ATM, with a 7 year old, 4 year old and 2.5 year old.

Will be reading advice here!

Ha, ha. Hi, Jemstar. Yes, I admit that I had a vested interest in covering this particular topic as I have three children as well. Girls, though. I don't know whether that makes it easier or harder - I certainly can't imagine that anything could be noisier though!!

I also have three, but my oldest is my 'difficult' child, and the one who although I love him with all my heart, sometimes I don't always 'like' him.

What I find exceptionally brilliant about parenting him though, is that his great moments seem all the more spectacular because they contrast with his bad days so obviously.

On the otherhand, I am concious that our middle child does not get 'middle child syndrome' because his extremely placid nature means that he often just gets dragged along and left to his own devices a bit as opposed to his 'high needs' 6yo brother, and our new pacid 5mo baby.

i only have 2 boys but that is more than enough most days!

DS1 is very full on, high energy and can be very agressive, and DS2 is well a 2yr old!

I have just done the 1, 2, 3 magic course and found it absolutely fantastic... made big differences in this house!

Yes this is an interesting topic, and I think the link in the OP might come in handy.

I have three, a 8yo, 4yo and a 9mth old all girls and my middle one is the trouble maker here too, I think it mostly is to do with her age but her position in the family might be a contributing factor that I never thought of.

Luckily for me I manage to get one on one time with all my kids, although admittedly I usually have to make time for DD1 as she has a lot going on during the week.

The paragraph about first borns being dobbers really hit home for me, that is what my DD1 is like, she's one of those little miss perfects (according to her) she is very bright, well mannered etc and always trying to get praise for her achievements, brings home excellent reports and lots of certificates...however she is constantly dobbing on DD2 for everything, the smallest most insignificant things just to try and get her in trouble which drives me nuts.

Personally I have always found 4 to be the most difficult age in my kids, and know a few people who share the same opinion. maybe when they turn 5 things will get better!!

"The paragraph about first borns being dobbers really hit home for me, that is what my DD1 is like..." Mine too! I always though she was just proud of her "goodness", but now I'm not s sure ...!

l could have written that OP word for word, my children are 10, 7 and 5. The 10 and 5 year old are like two peas in a pod, my middle child l am not too sure where she came from. She does not get along with her siblings and if there is a raised voice in the house you know she is nearby. She constantly has to be kept busy and gets bored very fast, l have found myself thinking why can't she be like the other two.

DH thinks we have a personality clash as we are so alike but l just don't see it. l have to say my first born is a bit of a dobber although l do feel that this is because she just wont leave him alone that he has to ask me if l could tell her to leave him alone or not to go in his room. Our youngest never gets a moments peace as DD7 is always demading the way she wants the game to be played which her rules are never fair, l have noticed at school she plays with kids a year or two younger so she can instuct them on what they can and can't do.

As we expecting #4 we will now have 2 middle children, not sure if that will change anything but interestingly she is the only one who is not excited about the new baby.

i don't see how birth order comes into it. some kids are just easier to parent than others.

when you are tired and stressed raising 3 small kids a high energy demanding, extroverted, intense kinda personality is just going to grate. Don't worry, he'll be a heap of fun in years to come when his needs for stimulation are increasingly being met by school, sport, friends etc. (and after you have had a good long nap).

I know your status of mind but he is your child. This is not fare that you love your two children but hate to one. It’s bad for his health and mind. When he grows up, then he hates you. You’ll think about that and change your mind soon.

Hi there

I am not sure that it is middle child thing. My eldest child is my more difficult in many ways - he is hyper energetic (could bike 40 km at 6 years old) and mischievious - particularly so if he is bored.

He is now 7 and things are much easier - he is at school so the energy is being chanelled more into learning. He also does a couple of sports activities p/w and walks to and from school every day with me. (I do love him for the little boy that he is - and he is actually a lot of fun) - try and look at the energy etc as a good quality - yes it is hard work at this stage - but your child has spirit and will most likely not be easily led by other children.

It is tiring looking after 3 kids. My middle child has some issues with being a middle child and she is very sensitive but I personally find the high level energy thing much harder to manage - particularly when I am tired.

I would try and channel that energy into something positive like a sporting activity. He may also be sensing what you are feeling about him, so behaving like that more to get your attention. I would try and spend some one on one time with him to build on your relationship with him.

Good luck - I am sure that it will get easier.

How about as the kids get a bit older? Do the same birth order issues continue?
I'm looking for families to discuss birth order for a special forum discussion on SBS Television's Insight program. Please contact Sarah Allely on 02 9430 3985