Even before I ask this I know how it’s going to sound. But I don’t have loose morals and I’m not wanting to set my kids a bad example. I just don’t know what to do.

Long story short – my ex-husband and I split up two years ago. We have two daughters, aged 6 and 4. They live with me and see him every second weekend. I haven’t dated much since my ex and I split (lack of time and opportunity) but I’ve recently met a gorgeous (younger) guy who and we are having a great time together.

For the past couple of months he stayed over on the weekends when the kids are at their Dad’s place. But I haven’t let him stay when the kids are around. He’s pestering me though to let him stay more often and I’m sure that the relationship is going to end soon if I don’t say yes.

Logically this is not a long-term relationship anyway. He’s not right for me, and vice versa, but we are having a lot of fun together right now and after two years of no romance (and to be honest another two years of pretty bad relationship before the divorce) I’m not ready to give him up yet. I actually feel sexy for the first time in years.

But I don’t want my girls to be affected, it’s not like he’s going to be there forever. Any advice?

Mon.

Hi Mon,

Thanks for your query and it’s a tricky predicament – the roles of sex goddess and Mum aren’t all that easy to combine. And while there’s an upside and a downside to everything, at the end of the day no matter how much fun you have together when he’s “up”, having him stay over when your girls are there involves a fair bit of potential down.

It’s difficult though, because being a Mum shouldn’t preclude you from having a relationship. So I’ve asked Kimberley O’Brien, Principal child psychologist for The Quirky Kid Psychology Clinic www.childpsychologist.com.au for some advice. And the main gist of her advice is: Don’t!

“If you don’t envisage this as being a long-term relationship, then there are no benefits to be gained in introducing your boyfriend into your children’s lives,” she says. “Ideally you want to have a solid relationship of at least six months, with long-term prospects, before you involve your kids. Otherwise you risk your daughters becoming attached to this person, only for him to disappear suddenly down the track. This could trigger again the grief and loss that they would have experienced when your relationship with their Dad broke down.”

And in case you don’t think that your girls were old enough to be impacted by your divorce, Kimberley explains that babies are well and truly attached to their parents by the time they’re 9 months old. So any separation after this will cause emotional pain. “And it can be worse second time around,” she says. “The first time that children experience loss they will be hurting, but they will also be confused about what is happening. The second time though they won’t be confused because they have already experienced it and they know that they don’t like it. So the sense of grief can be even greater. It doesn’t necessarily have to be the loss of a father–figure; it could be a favourite uncle going overseas for a while, or a grandparent moving away. But introducing them to a short-term boyfriend is setting them up for grief for no good reason.”

The good news is that there’s no need to stop feeling sexy; you just need to do it somewhere else. Kimberley suggests hiring a babysitter, having the girls sleep over at their grandparent’s or asking your ex if he could increase his share of custody as alternatives to bringing the fling home. While it remains short-term, anyway. And realistically, you’re more likely to enjoy yourselves together if you’re not worried about waking the kids!

Essential Baby members: What's your advice?

"I’m sure that the relationship is going to end soon if I don’t say yes. "

This is the bit that stood out for me.

I think it is wonderful that you are feeling vital and sexy again, and you should keep that - you don't need the man for that to happen, though!!

If he can't accept what you are offering, his loss. Get a girlfriend over to stay if you really need a booty call but you don't want your kids to be affected by something that you yourself aren't 100% sure of.

I would NOT, however, follow this bit of advice:
"asking your ex if he could increase his share of custody"
not unless you have one of those excellent understanding exes that are rarer than hen's teeth - it is just a bit too much ammunition to hand over to someone who may not be looking out for your best interests...

JMHO

Personally I wouldn't be introducing a new man into the childrens life if there wasn't a good chance he was going to stick around.
Although I'm only newly single and haven't been in your position as yet.

My sister recently left her husband and now has a new man - she brought the new man into my nephews life very quickly and he managed. It's not what I would do, but kids are tough.

I would think it would be best for him to start coming over after they are in bed - I know my nephew freaked out when seeing the new man in the morning - so be aware that it can happen.

Another is be open with the girls, see what they think. How is their Dad with it?

That's a great point, Dashette, to keep your kids informed about what's going on (well, not the details, but you know what I mean). Their surprise at seeing a new person around the place would probably be a lot less if they have been subtly prepared for it over a few weeks.

First up, good for you, it sounds like you deserve a bit of fun so enjoy!

Unless/untill the relationship solidifies, could he rather come by for a few hours in the evening after the kids are asleep? That way you can still be together and have fun without potentially compromising the kids' emotional wellbeing.

I would not be altering custodial arrangements purely for this guy...a sleepover at a grandparent is a much better option.

I guess the problem with having him come over after the kids are asleep though is - what if they wake up? It might be more of a shock to them to find him there if they get up during the evening than if he were there when they went to bed. I don't know - tricky.

My DP and I only met each other's kids when we knew the relationship was going to be long-term commitment.

When I broke up with my kids dad it took me quite a while to feel up to meeting new people. When I finally started going out to bars etc again it was really nice to recieve the attention. Eventually I met a man who I liked but it was the same as you, I knew he was not for me long term. I kept the relationship very casual and it probably lasted around 9-12 months. During this time I had sleep overs at his house, we went for dinners & to bars etc but I never let him come to my house. As far as I was concerned that was my childrens home & until I met a man who I knew I wanted to persue a serious relationship with I knew I didn't want to introduce any one new.
7 years after I broke up with the kids dad I met my DP. I knew straight away that he was pretty special. We went on several dates & I had some sleep overs at his house. It wasn't until around 2 months in that he told me that he was totally in love with me that I was comfortable to introduce him to my kids.
My DP also has a DD from a previous relationship. She was 1 when we first got together so I am lucky in the fact that she can't remember a time without me in her life. Her BM has dated quite a few men & introduced all of them to DSD. It is not my place to say anything to her as she will do what she feels is the right thing for her & her daughter. DSD (now 5) often will mention a particular man that she really liked & her BM has had a few boyfriends since. I can only imagine how akward it is for BM when she does this...

At the end of the day it is your decision but seeing it from both sides has confirmed that it was worth the sacrifices in the early days to preserve my kids feelings & security. They are well adjusted, happy kids.

Good Luck

Ok. Single mother here, 2 & almost 4yr old, marriage ended over 2.5yrs ago, and have recently started my first relationship since my ex-husband. Have dated a bit previously, but this is the first one to have real 'potential' and the first time where 'sleep overs' have entered the equation (never with children present). Met in May, but have only been properly seeing each other a month.

I absolutely relate to having not felt sexy in years. For me it had been many years as well. But I have to say re the OPs scenario there is just no way I'd be introducing that guy to your kids or having him staying the night when they are there.

The reasons are this:
1. You say you know it's not a long-term relationship. I would never introduce my children to someone unless I was very confident the relationship was serious and going to be long-term.
2. Frankly any man who was "pestering" me to stay over when my kids will be home and has left me with the impression that the relationship will end soon if I don't let sounds like a bit of a self-absorbed prat to me. He clearly doesn't seem to care less about the delicacy of the situation or the possible impact on your kids. Obviously he must have other redeeming qualities, but you haven't painted a great picture of him here, IMHO.

This may sound a little puritanical, but I am not sure that single parents who are primary caregivers can afford the luxury of these 'casual'/short term type relationships. It really just doesn't fit with our other obligations and certainly is not in the best interests of our children to become involved in any way.

My personal view is this. No man should form any kind of relationship with your kids unless the relationship with you looks like it is serious and long-term. This man clearly has no interest in a relationship with your kids; his interest is solely to get more sex. So really, why would you even think about letting him meet your children?

So, I think if you want to have the fun/casual/short term flings they need to occur strictly on your own time and when your kids aren't there. And if he doesn't like that, then "Next!"

Sounds harsh, may be. But we're not in Kansas anymore. Our children are priority No. 1. Our own needs come second. Of course we should try to nurture ourselves and fulfill our needs as much as we can, but it's just not going to be nearly as 'easy' as it might be in different circumstances. And that's just the way it is.

Me, with 80%+ custody of my kids, dating a single dad, who travels 4-6months of the year, I am focusing on quality rather than quantity.

...

I think you answered your own question. In my opinion I couldn't bring someone over around my children if the person was not going to be around. Unless you feel they are old enough to understand he is just a friend. But he should also understand your relationship that you have together. I wonder why he wants to stay over more? He knows you have children, and I guess I would think he should look at it from your childrens point of view. If he can't do that, well the children come first and I am happy that you are having a good time, but do know that you are sexy I am sure and feeling great also! Don't worry about losing him........ if he is younger and you are feeling good about him, know that you have plent more fish to choose from out their in the sea!

Having been a single mother for many years, I agree 100%
It is my opinion that once you bring a child into the world, your priority is to them, their well being and their emotional development as well as physical, spiritual.
I do not believe that it is a good example to set for their future to have a man around for limited time. Just when they get to know him he will be gone?
Then how long until it's the next man? The last thing you want your girls to grow up seeing or learning is that it's ok for men to be around (for them or for you) for their own benefit even if it compromises the wellbeing of those round you, particularly your family.
I never, ever brought a single man into my home over the timeframe of 10 years. That does not mean I ddi not see anyone, it just means that i did it elsewhere. It is not just a 'house'. it is the children's 'home' and that is not what I personally wanted to be going on in my children's home.
This is just my opinion of course and in no way intended to put you or your choices down. WHat is best for each person is different and these are just the thoughts which i use to apply to my family.

Just an offside..as others have said, if he is pressuring you to do something you have indicated you are not comfortable with, that would be a clear signal to me that he is n't worth it to begin with.

good luck

I'm another one in the "don't do it" camp. I come from the other side though, having dated a separated guy with a 4 year old daughter. He didn't think twice before introducing his girlfriends to his daughter - the first time I met her was on father's day when her mother brought her around before we'd got out of bed! (I might add I was mortified as I had no idea she was coming that early - he on the other hand did know and I think it was actually a bit of a passive-aggressive dig at his ex.)

I dated this guy for 6 months and became very attached to his daughter, just as the GF before me had and, I have no doubt, the one before that and the one after me. I thought it actually WAS a long-term prospect - he didn't, but didn't let me know that until the end. I always thought that was the worst part about the break-up, that his daughter and I had bonded and he'd let that happen, knowing that he didn't intend to go the distance with me. It's hard enough for a woman to deal with the emotions coming out of that, let alone a little girl! I always wondered what sort of relationship example he was setting for her and whether that would impact on her own relationships in the future.

In no way am I saying that you are anything like my ex-BF, who wasn't really a very mature or nice person, but I think that introducing your children to someone they may relate to as a father-figure when you know it's not long term is setting them up for a fall. First of all they'll have to go through all the emotions associated with their father being replaced in your life (and no matter how unrealistic it may be a lot of children cherish the hope that one day their parents will get back together) and then they'll go through the emotions associated with him leaving. Is it really worth it?

I'd also be interested to know what their father is doing as it may impact on their perspective if he's already bringing GFs home...

I have divorced parents and my husband is divorced. Because of my own childhood, I refused to stay at my now DH's place when the kids were there until we knew we were both serious. It's not fair on the kids to meet a series of people that ultimately don't matter to their parents but affect them.

I think many of you have explained a very important point - that our children don't have the emotional maturity of adults. So when a relationship breaks down and we as an adult are feeling miserable it's probably going to be even worse for our kids. A really great reason not to introduce prospective partners into our family until we're sure it's a solid and long-term relationship.

I'd be inclined to take the line, if I think there's a future in the relationship it's okay; if not, why bother. I wouldn't want my daughter getting too attached to someone who's not going to stick around.

Have your daughters even met him yet? If not, could you start with a picnic. Don't mean to sound naff; but while it's important that your needs are met, it's in everyone's best interests that your kids are comfortable with your decisions.

Good luck.

Good point, Eddie - a picnic. There are ways to ease your kids into your new relationship before they wake up to find him there one morning!

This comment is wrong!! kids are kids and not tough, they will deal with things their own way as a child, not as a adult does and this can be so damaging long term. Its setting a bad example, he is the one who may not respect women, may not respect relationship and family values, why should he as he only knows what he is taught.

I'm glad its not what you would do i just wish people wouldn't think kids are tought and just get over things, they don't and they shouldn't have to.

So nope i do not agree with any potential partners, friends with benefits etc until they relationship is serious.

The fact that you know the relationship won't last and the fact that you mentioned if you don't let him stay over, he will dump you stood out for me. I wouldn't be. Young kids have enough to deal with without worrying about someone new in the family dynamics.
I separated from my ex H when DD1 ( who is now 6) was 1. I met my now DH when she was 2 and honestly I only ever saw him when she was at her fathers for about the first 8 months. He was fine with that as having no kids, it was a big adjustment for him too. Eventually when we both knew our relationship was serious and we both wanted it long term, I introduced them. We haven't looked back from there. We are married, so he is DD1 step dad and we also have a 1 year old DD aswell.
My xH on the other hand has just gone through his second divorce, has been engaged two other times and has just rung DD1 this week to tell her he has moved in with his latest fling. DD1 simply said she doesn't want to go this weekend as she is sick of " all the girls, different ones all the time Mum". So she's not going. I would be glad if he found someone long term who got to know DD1 but he doesn't and it does affect DD1.
Long story short, if its not serious, I wouldn't be letting him stay over.

Personally, in addition to the good points that others have made about children and attachment to boyfriends, I'd also be wondering about the motives of someone who saw the relationship as casual but was pestering you to have the kids around on sleepover nights to the point that it might end your relationship if he didn't get his way. This seems quite strange to me and a possible issue of safety for your children.

Just because kids seem to manage 'on the surface' never assume that they dont notice. It isnt until they reach their mid teens that all their childhood experiences come tumbling back into their minds and influence their way of thinking.

Kids are not tough. They are like sponges who watch and process. I repeat, if you think kids are tough then you are courting problems when they reach their teens.

If you dont think the relationship is going anywhere, think carefully about what you are doing. Your children will notice and if they are in any way upset about it, you most likely wont hear about it until much later, and then it is too late. If you think the relationship might become permanent, then again, go slow. Any sense that the child gets that mum has lots of boyfriends, will impact on them.

I'm glad you said that djam2 - it occurred to me as well but I thought maybe I was being OTT. Glas someone else thought it sounded a bit off.

.

My feeling is thats it would be best to introduce a new partner to the children once he has become a more permanent fixture in your life. So I guess a 'new' boyfriend would be considered Mr Temporary for about 6 months or so in my house.

NO!
If it's not serious and never likely to be then he should respect your decision to not let him sleep over except for when your children are visiting their dads place.
How would you like it if your ex had a woman sleeping over when your children are there?
there are men who abuse single mothers, they come and they stay and they eat and they drink and they are cleaned up after - been there done that - stupid mistake he didn't last long and i realised i spent more money while i was "seeing" him than i would have had he not slept over!
Sleep over his, eat his food, drink his drinks, let him clean up the place, feel sexy elsewhere, not at home your children's home - what happens when they have a bad dream? or are really sick and just want their mummy?
When they crawl into your bed at 2am? how is your bf who's not planning on sticking around going to like that? he'll disappear quicker than you can pick up the phone to call your bestfriend!
When you find a man that is likely to be a keeper then, ask you children what they think of him, introduce them ONCE as a friend in a public place in the daytime, if your children think this guy is pretty cool slowly introduce him not just let him sleepover when your babies are there!? God no!
Why is this so-called bf pushing the point anyway? so he can have sex more often? or so he can hang around your home and use you up? or does he just want to be closer to your kids? My husband and i met when my daughter was 10months old, he didn't stay a whole night until well after we'd been seeing each other for 6 months he never pushed the point and he was introduced slowly to my daughter, he has always known his place in my heart and life is 2nd to her, now we have another baby and are married and he still comes 2nd to my daughters and he still gets kicked out of his own bed when my girls need me in the night.

Your kids are number one! My husband came from a broken home - both parents remarried due to there own selfish reasons, leaving 3 boys to fend for themselves at such young ages - now we would call this child abuse and these parents would be in jail for neglect emotionally, physically and mentally you name it, they did not provide by law up to the age of 16yrs for these kids, these boys survived on there own which they have quite a bit of baggage - my husband doesnt talk to any of his parents at all. Nor does his two other brothers. His middle brother has been in and out of jail for the past 15 years and he said to us recently in his eyes his mum and dad are both dead! My husband who is the oldest and the younger brother are doing fine and have learnt to heal there hurt along the way but as i said the middle one there is no change or chance i feel for him!!! Very sad !!
I am not saying that parents cant have a life after divorce but i feel and so many of my friends and family think the same that until the child can fend for himself (normally up to the age of 16yrs) the parents have an obligation to give the best possible to chance to these kids going forward before the parents have there second lives with new partners!! This is why this world is such a mess!!Selfishness!!!

This relationship is going to be end soon. And I don’t think he’s the right person for you because he doesn’t know about any responsibility. Your ex husband knows that’s why he don’t have that much time to give because he is earning for you.

If it had been a long term relationship then there would have been no need to hide it from your girls. But, as you yourself said that it is a temporary romance hence it would be better if you have it in your privacy. Your ex should share the burden and when he keeps the girls then you can enjoy the sex. You may ask yourself what is more important to you- feeling sexy for a new boyfriend or giving your girls the right values.

Stand your ground, do what feels right, I can hear "it doesn't feel right" in the tone of your post... stick with that, women 'know'.

Good luck.