Fatherhood: Best Actor in a Supporting Role?



"We hear so often in the media about the difficulties of being a modern mother; women trying to balance career and family. However, fathers also have their own 'clash of civilisations' to deal with. From the moment of conception we are relegated from being the 'best actor' to 'best actor in a supporting role'. This does take some getting used to and I know from my own experience (I practice primarily in family law) it is a sad truth that having children is one of the leading causes of marital breakdown. Fortunately my story has a happy ending (at least it has so far) although it did take a while for me to get there."
Paul

You can read the article on Fatherhood here.

You are very welcome to leave a message below for Paul

what a beautiful story, thanks for helping us understand the male perspective.

what a wonderful story nic's dh.

That is such a gorgeous story Thanks for sharing.

That is a really beautiful story, and I am so glad you got to the place you did.

However, one thing struck me: that you would feel guilty about focusing on some of the 'practical things' like money, finance and security in readiness for a new baby. I think that this is still very important and my experience almost ruined our marriage.

We were very happy and expecting our first baby. Two weeks before he was born, my husband arrived home from work having walked out of his job. I was beside myself. We were only in a position of coping if he stayed employed, not exactly rolling in cash. As a mother who wanted a nest for her child this sent me reeling.

He had a grand plan to 'start a business'. An un-named, un-focused and completely unclear 'business'. For the next 9 months he did nothing (in my mind) other than abuse me for being negative while the almost $50000 in termination payment, plus lost potential earnings disappeared just to keep our mortgage paid and us afloat. I think this was also a big factory in my post-natal depression.

We are patching things up, but I still believe that a father who seriously considers the basics of providing for his family is important (with the role to be shared over time of course).

Good luck to you both, and I'm glad it turned out to be a beautiful and fulfilling experience.

SC

Hi Susan

As Paul's wife I thought I might respond.

It was not so much the fact that he was concerned about money etc. That is fine and I was as well. The issue really was that from my perspective I did not see someone who was happy we were pregnant. Even when I told him his response was not that of a joyed husband finding out he was to be a father, even though we were actually trying.

He was banking on the fact that it would take about 12 months which is what we expected given my having PCOS and such. There was not one moment where I thought he was at all happy about my being pregnant, just worried about the money.

Even his mother said when she found out "But what about all your plans!!!" and when I miscarried I got "it was probably for the best".

What he was saying really when he wrote that is that there was no balance. You can still be mindful of the practical things (and should be) but it should not stop you from being happy and excited about having that baby, especially when we were actually trying for one.

Unfortunately his lack of enthusiasm and complete focus on money meant that when I miscarried I did not feel I had much support from him then either as to me it seemed like he did not in fact want that baby. In fact it seemed to me he was probably relieved to some extent that he did not have to stress about it so much anymore. Whether it's true or not was irrelevant. I had just lost a pregnancy that I could not have been happier to have and felt very alone in my grief.

Money is not the most important thing in the world and it was that which was lost on him at the time, so much so that he could not express that he was even remotely happy about it. It hurt.

Basically he just meant that you need to find balance in life and at that time his focus was not balanced.

Awesome Story Thank you for sharing it.

What an awesome story.

I thought I would post a link to our new Dads and Dads-to-be Buddy Group in here as there might be some interested people lurking here.

Link to Dads and Dads to Be Buddy Group