Do you think the yearning will ever go away to have a natural birth? I have had an emergency c/sec, had a VBAC planned for #2 and ended up having another c/section (for medical reasons).

But, everytime I read about someone going into labour/losing there plug or whatever it may be, I get this huge lump in my throat and just feel devastated that I will never get to call anyone to tell them I am in labour, or to wonder 'is this it' or even to have those first skin on skin moments when they are placed on your chest.

I want to have #3 eventually, and I know it will be another c/section. It is just so depressing.

Sorry to have rambled

Sam

Dear Sam, what you are feeling is grief and it is a normal reaction to the birth experiences you have had. We all have expectations of pregnancy, labour, birth and our baby. If part or all of that isn't as we thought it would be, we can have reactions varying from disappointment, anger, failure and/or grief. We are all unique individuals, and what may have a minor impact on one woman will be devastating to another. People need to respect these differences and give women time to talk, cry, grieve and slowly accept and recover.

The loss you feel is real, and having a perfectly healthy baby makes no difference to that. Often people are well meaning but have no idea what you are going through. Forgive them, find someone to talk to who does understand, and don't add guilt to the mix. You don't have to feel guilty for feeling you have missed out on something. You have! It will take time to accept your birth experiences and move on. Feelings change, but there may always be a pang of regret in certain situations and that's ok. I think time does dim that so it isn't always the big emotion you are feeling now.

If you don't feel better with time, maybe you could think about some professional counselling? That's always a healthy choice if our feelings get the better of us for a time. I have found it more than helpful.

you said, "I want to have #3 eventually, and I know it will be another c/section. It is just so depressing."

When I was expecting my first baby I was planning home birth. I developed toxaemia and had to be induced which led to an emergency c-section. I had a beautiful baby boy but I was devastated and terribly depressed for months. No one seemed to understand and I felt guilty for feeling so bad.
When I became pg again I planned a VBAC. I went 2 weeks overdue and had to be induced again. Not surprisingly, I ended up with yet another emergency c-section. I was beyond disappointed again. But I had a two year old and a new born and much less time to feel sad and depressed.

Third birth two years later I chose to have an elective epidural c-section. I wanted to be "in control" for the first time. Strangely this experience restored my confidence in myself and in my ability to birth. I can't explain it.

Next bub was a planned home birth which sadly m/c at 14 weeks.

Next bub was born at home after an uneventful labour and delivery. She was 9lb and my biggest baby. During the later weeks of my pg I dreamed I gave birth naturally. In my dream the baby was a girl and we were in the hospital. It seemed so real in the dream and yet I had only had c-sections at that point. It certainly encouraged me that I could do it, although my preference was to have the baby at home.

My first baby is 27 now and has two children of his own. When I think about what happened to me when he was born I still feel a little emotional, but it is really about remembering the feelings I had then, not because I still have them now.

I feel stronger and wiser for my experiences of birth and feel a greater understanding of what other women still go through today. One day, you will too.

You are not alone, talk here whenever you need to, some of us do understand and care about you.

{{{hug}}}
L

...

i don't know the answer but i do know i work hard at not thinking about it.

i've jsut started doing another pump course with pandsi and unlike the other two times there are a lot of pregnant women which i'm not feeling all that comfortable with

Hi,



You can have a Vbac after 2 c/s. If you need any information on this, I will be happy to help.

Becky

THERE IS A LOT MORE TO MOTHERING THAN HOW YOU GIVE BIRTH, I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT IT CAN SEEM, BUT GO EASY ON YOURSELF...

I just wanted to come back and thank you all for taking the time out to reply to me.

spin462002, thank you so very much for your long thought out reply. It really touched me.

TheMexican and Brazen, I hope you two can get by as best you can. Big hugs to both of you xxxx

Becky, I will PM you now thankyou.

Sam xxxx

I know the feeling.
I was lucky, I got my vba2c with my third, and for me, yes, it really did help with a lot of the old feelings. I know this isn't a "cure", and it's not something that everyone can have. But just thought I'd share my experience ..

My vba2c didn't just give me the experience of a vaginal birth that I hadn't had before, but it also gave me a LOT of perspective on my c-sections.

Those first moments when my baby was placed in my arms ... it was the SAME, the feelings, the emotions. Having a vba2c did not amazingly make that moment any better. It didn't change the feelings I had for the tiny newborn placed in my arms. All the hupla about how a vaginal birth makes you "bond" better - for me, it made no difference.
I actually remember sitting there holding Sarah (my 3rd), the doctor was busy down below doing his stuff (just like a c-section! LOL) and it hit how incredibly familiar this felt. Even though my first two girls were c-section births, handed to me all wrapped up, and here I was a messy newborn straight to me, it felt the same in some way. The important way ... I can't work out how to explain it. But it made me realise it really didn't matter how she got into my arms, as long as she was there. I know, easy for me to say now ...

It also made me really appreciate what my body went through with the c-sections. When you have a c-section, there is always some idiot telling you something along the lines "lucky you, you got the easy way", and while you tell yourself that they are just full of it, I guess for me at least, some of that stuck in my head somewhere. Especially as I had pretty easy recoveries with my c-sections. Having my vba2c, very straight forward, with 2nd degree tears, and I just felt so much better than after my c-sections. Kind of made me sit up and think, yes, I DID do it hard with my first two, it is something that I should be PROUD of, it wasn't the "easy option".


The best advice I can give is take what you know, and work with it. With my vba2c, I truely expected it to end in a c-section. So I planned for it. And the week before I was due, I was so close to just scheduling, because I had my OB agreeing to everything I wanted in a c-section birth. It was my backup plan, and I think I planned that more than the vbac.


Depending on your circumstances, if you don't medically need to schedule the c-section, DON'T. Let yourself go into labour. If everything looks good, try the labour. VBA2C can be done.
Or go straight for the c-section. Even if you have the c-section at the first sign of labour, you are still giving your baby the best amount of time inside. And even just experiencing the start of labour, it can be good for both you and baby.

If you do schedule, go really close to your due date .. you still have the time to worry "is this it???" And treat the countdown to the date as something exciting. It's not the same, but it's still exciting in a different way. My first was scheduled, and I was up so early that morning, we were taking our last "pregnant" photos, and just being so silly - it was exciting and wonderful. The days leading up to it were divided between sheer terror (first time mum, first time ever in hospital!!!) and just amazed excitement.

Don't tell ANYONE the date, don't find out the gender, leave it all as a surprise. Ring your Mum as you leave for the hospital "The baby is coming!!!" And you still then have that so exciting phone call afterwards "It's a GIRL/BOY!!!"
Talk to your OB and midwife .. a lot of hospitals/doctors will do the skin to skin contact in the OR - place the baby straight on your chest and cover you both with a warm blanket. Newborn checks (apgars etc) can be done with baby there. Tell them your feelings. I had my OB personally guaranteeing no seperation if I had a c/s - baby to come straight to me, baby and husband would stay with me the whole time.

Think about your previous births, work out what is important to you. And fight to get what you want

For now, be nice to yourself. Let yourself be upset and grieve for you have missed. And then go and cuddle your babies a lot.

Such great advice as usual.

VBA2C is possible if there is no serious medical issues in the way. Even labouring before the CS is a big bonus. If that's not possible either then there's no reason why you cannot have skin to skin with your bub. There is a LOT you can do to improve an otherwise not so great situation.

Chin up!

I just wanted to jump in and thank everyone for sharing their stories, I've been feeling pretty miserable latley and had the earlier mentioned you're lucky after what I went through comments along with "you need to get your head sorted" its so good to see people who understand that there is dissapointment sense of failure and grief involved I'd have rather had a horrible natural birth than the emergancy C/s I got, then next time I could make the choice to deninatley not go through that again atm the only way I can see not going through the same again is to not have another child which is ok for me since I only really wanted 1 but my DP would love another

Julie3Girls what you say about recovery means alot I have a physical job which I think I have gone back to too early and have been struggling with getting the strenght back to do the lifting etc involved knowing that there is a big difference is a good thing it helps show that my plans for physical recovery at least weren't unreasonable if my homebirth had gone ahead as planned

Sam I really don't thing the yearning/wondering what it's really like will go away I wonder more now than I ever did before... I get the same lump but for different reasons I guess, my water broke at home but hardly any contractions and Mec ment I had to be induced.