I have a 3.5yr old and an 18 month old. I am really feeling like crap today and wondering if I have any idea on how to raise my children....

This morning we had some friends come over. My two boys were sooo excited to see them and everything was going great. Next thing there is crying and of course it's because DS1 has hit one of the visitors. It continuned all mornning - thanfully the mum and I get along well. I feel like I cannot get the message through to my older child about how wrong it is to hit. I feel I have exhausted all the discipline approaches - nothing seems to take effect.

My younger son has just started hitting other children when we go anywhere and I feel like I get judged at parks etc cause of my 'violent' children. The little one more just strikes out and I do feel that is because he can't talk yet but the older one does it when he is provoked, however it doesn't even have to be much of a situation to cause it. Eg. at playgroup if a younger child grabs his toy (as little ones do all the time - they know no different) DS1 will grab it back and maybe hit their arm. It's so aggressive. I usually come home from playgroup shattered/upset even though the mums are all so great and supportive. Of course it goes without saying that he hits his little brother at home all the time for silly reasons (like his game might get mucked up).

I could go on all day. I guess I'm hoping to hear from mums who have this problem also but more importantly what works for you? Feeling very alone on this one

The rain in Sydney is driving us bonkers too which doesn't help.

Many thanks

My daughter is almost 3 and she hits other kids too. The only way that has worked for me is firstly taking both her hands so she can't move, getting down to her level and getting her to look me in the eye (holding her hands until she does which sometimes takes some time) and explaining in a calm voice that when she hits it hurts the other kids and they are very sad (she is learning about feelings at daycare so she understands very well)... and then getting her to say sorry to the child she has hit... now sometimes this can take a while and if she doesn't do it I say that because she won't say sorry we must go home... and then we go directly home and she doesn't get any of her favourite toys that day. Sometimes she carries on all afternoon but I have noticed an improvement in her behavior from doing this... she doesn't hit much any more. Good luck - I know exactly how you feel - you think all the other parents think you are a freak and a violent parent.

Hi
I know how you must feel. Dont worry there are tons of kids around like yours and lots of mums who feel bad. Its the ones that dont feel bad are the problem!!

I found my ds2 was a hitter and it stemmed from frustration in situations he couldnt deal with. It happenned when he was tired, and couldnt find the words to immediately get his point across. Kids who feel threatened usually turn to this way of dealing with their problems.

I found that we found the better way of handling it was to say "do not hit" and then turn away and give the other child the attention. After the situation has calmed down, have a talk to your child and tell him that if he feels upset or angry, that he needs to use words or tell you if there is a problem. My son at that age did understand the concept of anger and feeling frustrated which was good.

As you said they are probably feeling bored being tucked up inside all day with the rain. One thing we also found when things all start to go pear shaped, my DH and I sat down and tried to figure out what we could do better to make them happier. I found that getting back to spending quality time with them , one on one and togther helped.
Its hard as the youngest is not at an age where they can play constructively together, so they just aggravate each other.....( it never stops!)

Just keep trying and something will work!

Hi,
I am a Kinder teacher, I can try to give you some advice. Is there someone you can talk to, a teacher, or your Maternal Health Nurse? Anyway here goes.....
Sounds like your DS is getting a lot of attention with his negative behaviour. I would give him a very brief reprimand and redirect him straight away. Always tell him HOW you would like him to behave.
EG. "No hitting....I like it when you are playing well. Let's try again".
When you are reprimanding him be CALM and consistent. Try not to express your anger (I know this is very hard) just be passionate about HOW you want him to behave.
PRAISE him as much as humanly possible when he is playing well, this will drive you mad but it works!
Try not to use good boy too much!! this is too general.
You can say "great sitting", "good playing", "wonderful drawing".
Always let little children what it is that you like and don't like.
Instead of "naughty boy" try "I don't like hitting!"
This makes it very clear what is expected of them.

They are complex little creatures but also respond to consistent social rules. They need to learn how to behave appropriately in groups and with their families. Be clear with what you expect and lots of cuddles and praise goes a very long way...
I hope these ideas might help,
Good luck, let me know how it goes.

Hi there

My 14 month old has started to do this with me. When she gets frustrated or she is very tired she'll hit me across the face. I grab her hand and hold it still and tell her no in a firm voice.

I'm not sure whether she does this to other children at childcare but it is something I also worry about.

I guess it's something you have to persist with. I'm sure other parents understand and won't judge you (or they shouldn't judget you.)

We have had a lot of success with teaching our DD1 to say "NO" when other children do things she doesnt like - instead of hitting/pushing. I think giving them an alternative is very important rather than just saying 'dont hit' especially for younger ones ie your 18mth old as he couldnt understand feeling very well yet.

we also read books to DD1 about hurting feelings and being kind to others. ie sam lloyd "dr miaow's big emergency' DD1's favourite book involves a cat character being sorry for hurting his friends (bird) feelings by chasing him up a tree etc etc

as other posters have said other mothers are only judgemental about the mothers who DONT CARE that their kids hit others and dont supervise them properly Im sure your friends can see you are trying and will be very supportive and understanding.

good luck.

Hi Lou

I so understand how you feel - DS is 4 years old and we still have a problem with his hitting. Just today I had a couple of friends over and he went to time out 3 times for hitting my friend's daughter. Like you I wonder what I am doing wrong and it's getting to the stage where I don't want to organise or take him to play dates anymore because I am so embarrassed and upset when he hits.

My DS usually hits out when he is provoked or tired but that still doesn't make me feel better about him doing it and I'm tired and frustrated of having to deal with this problem time and time again. Just when he seems to be getting better and we think he has gotten over the hitting it starts up again...I know he can stop himself from hitting because I have seen him do it on numerous occasions and he has even proudly told me many times how 'he didn't hit'.

I am at the end of my tether and don't know what else I can do to get the message through to him. We don't smack so it's not like we are giving him the message that hitting is okay.

Sorry I don't really have any advice to offer you - just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this situation and I so understand your feelings of frustration and embarrassement about it. You're really lucky to have so many supportive & understanding friends/playgroup mums - for a few months my best friend of 20+ years wouldn't let our children play together because of my DS hitting her DS (even though most of the time the hitting was a result of her son taking a toy off my son or yelling at him so in my eyes it was a two way problem). I still feel on edge whenever we get together in case DS does something to upset her or her son.

All the best and I hope you find a resolution soon,
SS

Thank you to everyone for your replies. I definitely think the 3's are harder than the 'terrible two's'. I had hoped to leave all the hitting and yelling behind in the 2's but no such luck...

I tried a lot of things that were suggested and have noticed a bit of change in the last week and I'm hoping with kindy and a few other things starting back this week that he will have settled down as he'll be back around kids more. He seems to be needed to be kept busy which is a good thing but also a bad cause of that distractive behaviour. I guess if that continues we'll have an interesting time when he starts school!

I read somewhere that it only gets harder as they get older and I'm starting to see why. When they are little that are so dependent on your physically but now I feel such a responsibility with the guidience and discipline

Good luck!