This week Jacqueline Lunn asks, do you feel that your time is less respected when you are caring for children?



Read Jacqueline’s column here and discuss below...

I am sick of people asking (financial people like banks etc)whether you work and they say oh no that's right you don't work you are a stay at home mum. I would love to see them be a stay at home mum and then ask whether you work or not.

Cheers,
Michelle

i hate my realestate for this exact reason. 1 month after signing a 12 month lease the owner of our house desided to put the house up for sale. when i stated to the sales team that i wolud require 24 hrs notice should anyone wish to come through (as the law states) they replied "but othere tenents have let us come through at the drop of a hat and they auctualy go to work"
even now i'm lucky to get 12 hrs notice (cant compalain as they are the only realestate in town that does rentals) and they expect me to keep my 15 month old away from her toys for 3 hours and half the time they dont turn up...
complete lack of respect if you ask me (sorry to rant)

I strongly believe our Federal Government needs to bring into place a system whereby parents who choose to stay at home caring for their children (full or part-time) are acknowledged. We as a society need to value this service to the community more. This might be a very personal feeling but when I was caring for my ds full-time and struggling with all that entailed I felt like a grey ghost moving around in the community. I seemed to wait longer in queues, be ignored more, and of course everyone seems to think you have endless time to do things! When in actual fact the reverse is true.

Since becoming a SAHM, I have felt a change in how my time is perceived and would agree that it is less valued.

There isn't an understanding of why I don't have time on my hands to organise everything for the household or why I can't wait on the phone or at businesses for a little longer. The perception is that I have spare time and fitting something like 15mins into my day to find a carpark for an outing is no problem. There appears to be a belief that I'm in no rush and not short of time, that I don't need to be anywhere because I don't have a "job" to get back to.

What this fails to take into account is that my children don't consider any waking moment they have to be free time for me.

I think a great indicator of how being a SAHM mum is viewed is our check-box on surveys - unemployed. There have been threads on EB about what job title we should give ourselves because one hasn't been officially given as being a SAHM isn't considered working.

The only way that I see this changing is through a change in society that sees us acknowledging the work of the SAHM (or SAHD for that matter) as what it really is - a tough job with a demanding boss who expects you to perform at your best all day, everyday on minimum wage (I currently get paid a latte each week) and doesn't believe in lunch breaks.

Edited to make it shorter...

I guess I've always been a relaxed person and I cant remember many times I've ever been in a rush, whether working in paid employment or as a stay at home mum. I've always valued my own time highly, but on the same note, for some things I am happy to wait. For me, waiting time doesnt have to be 'lost' time... I can do so many things while I'm waiting in line or on the phone. For example, if the kids are with me, I can use the time to chat to them about things that are important to them. Or if they arent with me, I can use the time to chat to myself (in my mind LOL), work on solutions to challenges in my life, or just enjoy people-watching or staring out the window. I guess for me, waiting time is usually just extra leisure time.

All that said, of course I do actively try to reduce wasted time... and the biggest time waster in my life is driving places. Not only that, its a money waster too. I cant let my mind wonder or focus on chatting to the kids while driving, I have to focus on the traffic and the road. Whereas if I walk, it takes longer, but so much chatting and/or thinking can be done... and its good exercise too. Consequently I make sure that all of our activities are as local as possible, either a walk or a short drive away.

As far as how others view my time... I havent run into any problems honestly. My DH has a lot of respect for my job, and I dont know anyone who would ask me to do something just because I'm 'home all day anyway'. Sheesh, if there is anyone out there like that they really need to grow a brain.

Finally: - I put myself as CEO.

I am really in two minds about this.

I have never struck lack of respect when at home. When a SAHM I don't have a problem in ticking a box saying I am not in paid employment, ie I am not working, because.... I am not.

That said, I do think it is harder for the SAHDs. Although there are more around, they are still thought of as a bit of a novelty and get lots more "questioning" than a sahm.

The only people in my experience who have ever suggested that i have more time on my hands rather than less since becoming a SAHM are from people who haven't had children.

This does sometimes frustrate me but at the same time i had a similar opinion before i was a mum. I remember when pregnant deciding that a week after giving birth i would start my exercise back up with 1 hour a day and couldn't understand why everyone else was saying i'd be so busy. I, like many others got the shock of a lifetime when i realised i was no longer pregnant, that i had a 3mth old daughter and couldn't remember if it had been 3 or 4 days since i'd last had a shower.

So although i now know that working full time is something i only experienced after giving birth (9am-5pm is not full time, its 8 hours..... thats 16hours off a day), i can understand how people who havn't experienced this can fail to understand the actual job description of a SAHM. In my opinion it would read something like ' must be willing to work 168hrs a week, with no lunch or toilet breaks also no sickies. Must be willing to replace your own needs with someone elses with the possability that you probably won't know what those needs are. Also you are not alowed to resign..... ever. LOL

I did (in general) have more time on my hands when I was a SAHM but I never encountered the attitude that I should do because I was one! The only part I can relate to is the not knowing what week it is, and I still do that now I'm back at work...

I really don't understand the angst over employment status tick boxes either. It's a statistic - you are employed or you aren't. It's not a statement about how worthy you are as a person or how hard your day is.

Having done both (currently in my second year of being a SAHM) there is no doubt I DEFINITELY have much more time than I did when I was working and my kids were in childcare.

When you are working with small children in childcare you still have to do all the cooking, shopping and cleaning that a SAHM does but you have far less time to do it in. When you are a SAHM you can do all this during the day when you are with the kids. Its MOTHERHOOD that is unrelelnting, you don't escape from that just because you might work 8 hours a day. Yes working people might get their hour off for lunch but I would spend more than an hour a day at the park with the kids, or having coffee with other mums.....far far more fun than ramming down a sandwich in a lunch break and trying to pay all my bills before I have to get back to work.

Sorry but I just don't buy into this "oh poor SAHM, they work harder than anyone and aren't appreciated" crap.

Yes it is a fulltime job but women with children who work are essentially doing 2 jobs in the same amount of time.

Roebuck, i was referring to someone who is full time employed (with no kids) and some one who has kids to look after. Not between a SAHM and a working mum! sorry for any confusion . What frustrates me is when someone who works fulltime (with no kids) insinuates that my day is spent lounging around watching tv or something whilst my kids occupy themselves. I understand that everyone has chores to do but they seems to think that My kids just sit down and wait while i get my house work done not that i do it in bits and pieces while being asked to come play or paint or bake etc. I love being a mum and consider myself very lucky to be able to stay at home with my kids but just get annoyed when people think i just sit around having me/leisure time all day iykwim.

loved it i want to print that out and put it on the fridge

[quote]Do you every feel that your time is less respected when you are caring for children?[/quote]

I do think some are geting off the topic here and making it about sahm & working mums.

I have been both and as for the above statement yes I do when people seem to think they can just pop in and chat and that I can put everything on hold.
If I was a working Mum they would ring and book me in, they would never assume I have time in the middle of the day to stop what I am doing.
Running a household fulltime is busy!! Especially if the kids are still at home as they create so much mess all day long and requests for snacks,play time, potty visits, shopping, washing, cooking, ironing,dont forget tantrums and list goes on and on and doesn't stop on weekends.

I work to a schedule as this is good for little ones and also for myself having been in the work force for many years running an art department. I still make checklists and to do lists and run a tight ship. I have one day off/ not when DD 2 is in daycare and I run around doing all the things I cannot do with DD in tow plus catch up on chores and pay bills etc. So my time is precious to me and so is time with my girls. I am still the same person I was when I was working out of the home and just as busy but it is an ignorant person who views me differently just because I work at home.

[quote]must be willing to work 168hrs a week, with no lunch or toilet breaks also no sickies. Must be willing to replace your own needs with someone elses with the possability that you probably won't know what those needs are. Also you are not alowed to resign..... ever.[/quote] LOL love this its so true lol.

To all the mums working in or out of the home its a hard job for all of us just being mummies, please stop comparing who has it harder and support each other. Whoops gone off the topic again sorry.

I think the people who take my time forgranted are the ones who are not in my shoes so truly dont understand. Just today I had visitors who stayed way too long and I had a load of washing waiting for me and I never got to hang it up as it was too late by the time the visitors left too many other things came up like school pickup, dd homework, bath & dinner so sometimes its just plain ignorance as another full time mum would never over stay as she knows just how busy we all are. [quote] [/quote][quote] [/quote][/quote]

I have to admit that I never respected my sisters time - they all have kids (I"m the youngest of 3 sisters). I would pop in anytime for a cuppa (without ringing), expect them to be able to help me out at the drop of a hat and assumed that they were at home watching oprah. I would roll my eyes when they said that being a mum was a full time job 24/7.

Now I have my own baby (only 1 at this stage), I realise how time is swallowed up by kids and housework - the days just all mold into one. I can't imagine what it would be like to be working or have more than one!

I have a new respect for my own mum and all mothers out there!

I have actually been surprised (astonished?) to find that other women (mothers too in most cases) have been amongst the worst offenders at showing a lack of respect for women who choose to be mothers instead of in the paid workforce. I feel that motherhood has been devalued by our society and other women (working mothers) look down on me for staying at home to care for my own children. I strongly feel that women have been 'conned' into believing that they can have it all without any consequences but as someone else mentioned here, there are still the chores- cooking, shopping, cleaning and caring for children- after paid working hours are over.
I don't mean it to be about working and non- working mothers, but I think it becomes that: working mothers are possibly respected more in society than those who stay at home. Magazines are full of rosy articles about women achieving the career/ family balance, juggling it all- congratulations, what a champion. I really feel that society is undervaluing the enormous job that mothers do.

Only had this discussion with a friend of mine the other day. She is 33 with 3 beautiful children under 4, she has chosen to stay home so she can continue breastfeeding her youngest and help her eldest into the transition into kindergarten. She was most upset about the other mothers at kindy having nasty remarks about her being a stay at home mum .. she found the perfect come back and uses it often .. I quote
"oh yes I'm one of the lucky people who has a supportive partner that has allowed me the chance and time to spend at home raising our children"
I say GOOD FOR HER!!!

I'm now pregnant with my second child and have so many ask me when I'll be returning to work or will I be returning to study. I'm like holy hell I haven't even had the child and i'm being pressured into making the descision as to WHEN i have to do this.
I'm taking a different road with this child and have decided that I will only discuss my plans for working/further education with the people it actually effects.
I find it very sad that it's becoming harder and harder for SAHM to get the respect they deserve. It's a lot harder to be at home with your kids 24/7 than it is to shove them into daycare 5 days a week.

Hi,
I do agree that there has developed cultural attitude that SAHMs are lazy weak and underoccupied. I find this particularly frustrating when other mothers, working or not, reinforce this in there spoken assessment of any mother. Often parenting is an intensive exercise because the parents understand how important and crucial their children's childhoood is to their success as decent loving human beings.

I tire of forms (and knockbacks from financial institutions when it is my income that manages mortgages etc) which offer me the option of employed, self-employed, student and "unemployed". Being a parent is an occupation. "Parent" should be on the forms because the description is not only related to income sources but also has the cultural inference of activity and occupation.

In recent years I have been able to tick the "student" box. This attracts much more respect from the public, yet studying up to 60hrs pwk has only been achieved by cutting corners on my parenting. Recently I decided to take a break and gain some parent/child stability so I am back to the description of lazy, time abundant etc by my "friends". Nothing could be further than the truth. I care deeply about my children and think I need enough time to attend to their needs.

Ironically, as my business grows, I expect I will regain respect for cutting corners on parenting again, while still trying to raise good citizens.
This has been a long ramble. I hope this position helps other parents understand that the attitudes the world dumps on them have been influenced in the last 3 decades more by politics and confusion over economics than any rational assessment of SAHMs.

I disagree that my time was disrespected MORE when I was a SAHM compared to when I was not a mother. Yes, sometimes people visit without calling and stay too long - irrespective of whether I was a SAHM or not. Sometimes people asked me to do them favours (if I was available) - irrespective of whether or not I was a SAHM. That is the way society works! (Well, in the world I inhabit anyway!). People do favours for others. I do think though that SAHM often perceive that they are being disrespected - which may have more to do with their self-esteem and their belief of what the world thinks of their role.

I have to admit, there was a spate of articles in the paper a while back which focussed on how hard SAHM had it, and how difficult their day was. These articles annoyed me. Not because it wasn't true, but because I perceived them as trying to say, "feel sorry for how hard I have it". Well. yes, children are hard work, I take that for granted!

I remember when I did not have children, and quite a few of my friends were procreating. There seemed to be some expectation from many of them that MY time was less precious. And you know what? I agreed with them! And was happy to try and accommodate whatever they could manage to be able to spend time with them.

I am now a FT working mother. Both roles are difficult, but I manage my time differently in both roles compared to when I did not have children. I don't believe anyone perceives my time as more or less important. Time is more important for all of us as we try to fit more into already full lives. Yet we still have companies refusing to "deliver" at a specified time, tradies not turning up, parking becoming more difficult etc etc. YEs there are more and more imposts on my time. And I would be more than happy to be available for my neighbours electrician if they were prepared to do the same for me.

I often tell people i am more then a SAHM, I am the CEO of the household
Being a SAHM doesnt mean i am just sitting at home sipping latte's and watching the soapies Gosh i wish i could sit back and relax and have a cuppacino
I still wouldnt change how things are though

I am always amazed that pepole who aren't even mums like to give advice

What I HATE is people asking when are you going back to work? My Daughter is only 8 months old and I don't plan to go to work until she is either in preschool or school. I have never left her with a baby sitter including relo's. Before I had my Daughter people wouldn't ask where do you work? but now it's when are you going back to work, or what did you do before the baby came along, Thank goodness I actually finished my B.Teach. When filling out the occupation question I usually don't answer unemployed, rather I will answer with whatever I feel appropriate at the time, after all as SAHM's we have many jobs, including teachers, managers, artists, PC professionals. I do agree though there needs to be a Parental duties.

I have found since having a baby that everyone (and I mean absolutely everyone - including 20 years old boys) have an opinion about everything pertaining to motherhood.I am constantly stopped & asked if I am bf, or if my son is going to be in daycare etc. Or as he is a premmie & small as one lady put it - "What's wrong with him...?" But other Mums seem to be the worst at times.

I think that these days we are so quick to judge people. Mums need to support other mums. Only we know how hard it is - regardless of if your a SAHM or Working Mum. Everyone has to make the choices that they feel is right for them... or that their particular situation allows.

I have done both, I was a stay at home mother for almost 4 years. I have 3 small kids, 4 and a half year old Alexandria; three and a half year old Braxton and 2 year old Jessica. So I was always basically with newborns or pregnant up until Jessicas' birth Sept 2007. I did the stay home thing and now my children are all in daycare and I am a fulltime working mother on swing shift schedules which sometimes include working from 530 in the evening until 2am in the morning and you know what? I find that between the two, swing shifts are a heck of alot easier than being a stay at home mom! What's the difference really? You stay home and you're still on swing shift because with three small kids, it's very rare when all of them are asleep for the same amount of time or they all go to sleep at the same time. You are always on swing shift as a stay at home mother. I am an ademant watching of Dr Phil and he said once that to do the work that would be the equivalent of what a stay at home mother does, someone in the workforce would have to work 18 different jobs at the same time because at any given time, a stay at home mother is doing 18 different things which would classify in the workforce as 18 different job areas! So, you know what, as someone who has been in both places..my hat goes off to stay at home mothers because compared to the rest of us you guys as far as Im concerned are real troopers and you definatly have the hardest job going today!!!

It really doesn't bother me what people think. I must admit, I don't look at being a stay at home mum as a job. Yes I know you are always on call 24/7 etc. etc. I think how lucky I am for my partner and I to be able to live on one income so that I can be here for the kids until school. I love to be with my girls, learn from them, teach them etc. So if someone has less respect for me because I don't 'work paid employment' meh good on them.

Not since having my fourth .

Mind you, I've never really been "just a SAHM" (what a fricken insult!)... I've also been a student/freelance writer. I have found though that people seem to assume I'm home all the time, and so I've had lots of people say theyll be around at such and such a time, only to have them turn up several hours late, or not at all without so much as a phone call.

Other mothers have definitely fallen into this category of not respecting my time, and it's really, really upset me because I'd expect them to understand. I don't know if my not being able to drive exacerbates the situation though, maybe. For example, another mum and I once planned to meet at a train station to go have a look at something together with our toddlers. She slept in, or was running late for some other reason. Meanwhile, I got to the trainstation on time, it was a windy and wet day and while we had shelter, it wasn't exactly cozy. 40 minutes after we were supposed to meet, she rang to say she was just leaving her place and would be about 45 minutes! So, basically, in her mind being 1.5 hours late was no biggie.

I've had this sort of thing happen a fair bit. The assumption is that I'll just be hanging around doing nothing much anyway.

In the past year or two I've made a pretty big deal of my time being precious, it's really the only way to go.

Happy new year everyone!

I might be putting the cat amongst the pigeons here but I personally believe anyone who criticises SAHMs is probably just a little bit jealous they can't be at home themselves! I know many who would love to have the opportunity to stay at home with their babies and who can't for whatever reason, and I feel privileged to be a SAHM with the option of returning to my corporate career. Many don't have that choice and that would be a very difficult position to be in.

I have found in life that when people criticise or comment negatively about another person's situation it is often out of jealousy. As a first time mum, I love being at home with my daughter, and like many of you I describe my role as CEO / Director! Work will always be there but my daughter's first smiles and words will not, and I wouldn't miss them for the world. I could care less what anyone thinks, everyone's situation is different and I always try to live by the old adage 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all'.

I have been asked a million times if I'll be returning to work, or whether I get bored 'staying at home watching tv all day' (ha!) and I always reply with a smile that I love being at home which tends to disarm the questioner!

I've never received any criticism for being a SAHM, though TBH I have always done some freelance work (8hrs/week, sometimes more) on the side so maybe that's enough to convince people my hands are full. However, I was giving this topic some thought yesterday as I plan to do some study this year to get into the workforce in our new (small) home town, with it's limited employment market.

Firstly I thought: yes, I should get back to work in 2011, when DD is 2 and yet-to-be-determined baby is 8m or so. Then I examined the reasons why, it basically came down to money to contribute to our new home. Nothing about respect or fulfillment or being a better use to my community, it was simply about the cold hard cash.

Anyway, long story short, I concluded that what I'm doing now (dangling around entertaining a 18m old, being 4m pregnant, keeping the home in some kind of order, and being reasonably happy and relaxed about it) is the best contribution I can make to my family, myself, and in fact 'the world' right now.

Does the world really need another bank teller/secretary/admin person/potato picker, any more than it needs good solid families? Me thinks not! It might be different if I were in another profession but unfortunately mine (and many others) work is not going to change the world. I say: let others carry the work burden for a while, I don't know anyone rearing to go to work each day so their day also has it's fair amount of drudgery, albeit no poo! My time is beings spent in the best possible way.

Happy New Year!

Well said Bellygood!

As a SAHM at the moment I cannot wait to get back into the workforce as I find home duties very boring. I have plenty of time to do everything and I have noted the bulk comes after normal working hours anyway.

My daughter can already count to twenty and that includes actually counting objects and she can recongise the numbers. She can also recongnise all the letters of the alphabet and say them both phonetically and the names and can read some words. She is not even two. Why because I get bored easily so I get her doing things or if she stars the abc I will join in and point out letters. I take her to parks and I even had her go down the biggest slide, on swings. I take her shopping and point out everything. Poor girl needs me to return to work for her sanity. Although she loves the ABC and as soon as she gets up around 5:30am although I normally wake about 5:00am she is calling out from her cot to do more ABC.

I think I may be hot housing her although she does have tanties if she is not allowed to do them. So I don't know am I pushing her or is she pushing me?

I agree with this.
We should respect our mothers.

Thanks for Sharing it!

i am a SAHM only have been for a couple of weeks =)

i just wanted to say one thing i noticed when my friend got her dd birth cert it stated on df's occupation that she was a stay at home mum, i cant remember how they put it, but when i was born on my bc under my mothres occupation it had nothing. theres a start in being reconised for doing somthing and not just being 'uneployed'

I have now finished my degree and am joining the workforce as a teacher, I have had some employment already in this field and I can honestly state this:

Stay at home mums deserve respect for what they do, they provide stability for their children, are more than willing to help out at school, and are a contact for when there may be an issue for their children.

So I take my hat off to all of you wonderful stay at home mums, your children are respectful and a delight to teach.