My mother and step-father (who has had open heart surgery 4 weeks ago) came to stay with us for a few days after having a heart check-up (they are from down the coast). Any way, Mum just seemed to take the whole staying with us thing like a holiday. Never helped get dinner ready, or clean up afterwards and didn't even help with bathing etc of the girls. Last time she came to visit (when S-F was in hospital) I cracked a nana about me doing everything while her (and hubby mind you) sat around and did nothing. But it was still the same this time around. How do I say something without going off the deep end? Or am I expecting too much?

She always seems to be doing stuff left, right and centre for my sister (who lives around the corner from her), looking after her daughter, cooking her dinner etc. My sister seems to abuse the fact that she lives nearby. Is this just sibling rivalry?

I am soooo glad they visit, but even happier when they leave! Is this wrong? Sorry for the vent, but I need to to know if my complaints are reasonable or not. :mad:

No I don't think you are being unreasonable at all either. My parents are exactly the same. They never offer to help at all. On the other hand for the most part my Il's are great. I wish we lived closer to them.

MIL offers to look after the kids so we can have some time together. My parents don't have a life so wouldn't even think to offer.

Have you tried telling your mum how you feel? You could lay on a good guilt trip about how good they are to your sister etc.

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} I def. know how you feel on this one.

Susana & DH Chris
DD Delia Jade 13/11/02 & DS Darcy Cole 2/11/04

Hey there, no you are not being unreasonable at all. Sure you don't expect them to take over all the household duties but a little help is not too much to expect, ie. offer to bath the girls while you get dinner ready, dry up the dishes you've washed.

I had a very similar situation happen with my Mum. From early in my pregnancy she kept saying that she would come down from Sydney once our baby was born. And we were not to worry about the day to day housework (cooking, washing, etc) when we came home from hospital as she would take care of it so we could concentrate on taking care of our new child. The reality was very different and couldn't have been more so. She spent no time in the kitchen or laundry, expecting my DH to do everything while she supervised the new mum. I tried ever so gently to remind my mum's memory of what she said she was going to do, but she never took the hint. In the end, after steadily dropping more and more hints, I snapped. I rang my brother (who lives nearby) and he took her to his place.

Her next visit wasn't as bad but it was very tense as the memory of the previous visit was too raw still. Things have got better ever since I spoke to her about it in such a way as to avoid an argument. It took all my self control not to say some things that I really wanted to say but I know that it would have caused irreparable damage, so I bit my tongue.

As for the sibling rivalry, no I don't think that's what it is because what you're seeing is not fair.

It does sound so much like what's happening in my family. My mum lives very close to my sister and is always over there looking after the children, picking them up from school, getting dinner started while my sister goes to the gym ... you get the picture. My DH and I know that my sister is abusing the fact that she is the only one living near my mum but what can we say? My sister even gets a bad case of the huffs whenever mum tells her that she is coming to stay with us for a bit. It's not like mum comes here often but you'd think she did by my sister's reaction.

I don't know what advice to offer except maybe you need to sit down with your mum one on one and tell her calmly how you feel about everything. Even if she gets her back up stay calm. In the meantime maybe just outright ask her during the course of the day for help ... surely she wouldn't refuse if she's just watching tv?

** sorry if this is a little long but your post hit raw nerves with me **

Best of luck.

Cheers,
Helen.
DH Bart.
DS Christopher.
TTC #2 April 2005.
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Yes you've scratched my sore point too! You can either give up and accept the situation, or keep trying to change it, or find another solution.

Ask your Mum again *before* they next come to stay and say that you are really disappointed that after you got really upset last time about her not helping out she still sat around doing nothing. Point out (calmly, rationally) that you feel it is very unfair that she helps out your sister on a regular basis but has ignored your requests for help.

If this doesn't work, then you could limit the amount of time they stay (five days?) and tell her outright you are doing this because she isn't prepared to help.

Alternatively, tell them they can't stay with you any more. Find a local motel or B&B that's not too exe, and send them the details. Go and have a look yourself to make sure it's not super grungy, and note how long it takes to drive to your place and any other local attractions. They can stay there. If they object to paying then say you are sorry but at least there they will be getting waited on by people who expect them not to help out .

We are in a similar predicament with my ILs and one of DH's sisters who has always been the family favourite. ILs have outright refused to do things for us due to "busy"ness of their lifestyle (ie retired with no friends), yet three years ago when SIL's hubby left her they dropped everything and trekked to and from Sydney on an almost weekly basis for more than a year :|, PLUS lent her money for legal costs. And she doesn't even live just around the corner from them - it's a 4h drive instead of 1.5h to our place!

Steph

My first thought was that you must be a very capable person. My sister is and she is always getting house guests that do nothing because she always seems to have everything completely under control.

I, on the other hand, are the complete opposite and I think when family visit they just pitch in so that things get done LOL.

Hope you're able to sort it out

x

Things can change - perhaps they're just exhausted and don't feel they know what to do in somebody else's house?

I had a couple of visits from my father that drove me *bananas*!!! He dropped things all over the house, and just sat in a chair drinking cups of tea. I later realised that the drive to visit us was just so exhausting for him, that sitting down was all he had the strength to do. And while he'd offer to help, and was often more trouble than it was worth IYKWIM?

But on his good visits, when he's on top of things health wise, he now more than makes up the lack of help on his other visits. When he's good, he brings food, tidies up and reads to the children. He's also our only family member brave enough to mind all four children (we only *let* him mind three at a time, but he's game to try more!).

I think it's exhausting and frustrating to host relatives that don't pull their weight, but for me being patient has more than paid off, and perhaps your SF's illness has worn them down more than you think?



Kristen

I'm glad it's not all in my head. I thought I might have been a bit crazy. Thankyou everyone for your great advice.

Sarah: I think I will try and be a bit more proactive. She couldn't exactly say "No" could she.

Susana: I have tried the guilt trip and call my sister the "golden child" but it doesn't go down too well. The funny thing is, if you ask Maddie who looks after Gemma (her cousin) she always says "Grandma" LOL!! P.S Thanks for the hugs, made me feel all warm and fuzzy!!

Helen: When I got out of hospital she was great at helping, but she couldn't wait to get home. I think she only stayed 3 days and after having a caeser I thought she would've hung around a bit longer. Her excuse - I have a SNAG for a husband. As for confronting her, I suck at any confrontation, no matter who it is with. I would end up crying through frustration, which makes me look weak and gives me the s**ts.

Steph: If I asked her to stay somewhere else, I don't think she'd take offence big-time. And the girls do love to see her. But I do understand where you are coming from.

Deb: I suppose I am a bit of a control freak, but I do expect guests to at least offer and not just take over the remote control so they can watch their usual programs (eg Home and Away - which we hate).

Kristen: Maybe S-F is tired (understandable) but Mum still finds the energy to shop.

Thanks again for all the advice. I will take all advice on board for the next visit and let you know how I go. Return <<<hugs>>> to you all.



Renee
DH Ian
DD#1 Maddison Anne 21/11/00
DD#2 Kody McKenzie 27/8/04
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Hi Renee,

No...you aren't unreasonable. They just need kick on their butt!! MIL was the same and I was silent for 6 weeks!! I can't hold it anymore and off the mountain of complaints. DH was shock and MIL too. But yeah...she may be guests BUT help around the house is MUCH APPRECIATE.

Just tell her straight forward about how you feel and you can't handle all the houseworks, kids and GUESTS at the same time. Take care and have a great weekend.

Yani