My DS is 3.5yrs old and has just started with those really hurtful phrases such as:

"I don't like you!"

"GO away Mummy!"

"I don't want you, I want..." (whoever is there)

"don't speak to me!"

It is horrible and I really am at a loss as to how to respond to him. Telling him it hurts my feelings and that he shouldn't say that to me only riles him up more .

I am sure it is probably a new stage he is going through, but does anybody have any advice as to how I should respond to him? or any tips to stop him saying things like this?

I found not responding to it helped when DD said she doesnt like me, or just calmly saying Well I love you so much and walk away leaving it at that, so they know they arent getting much of a reaction to it. its the whole pushing the boundries seeing what sort of reaction they can get

Best thing to do is totally ignore it and or walk away. It is hard at first feels very hurtful but they are just testing. I have told dd1 that it is not a very nice thing to say and I don't like it - but long after she said it. Hoping to get the message across that way.

My dd1 had about a week of saying it two or three times a day to me " I don't love you" etc etc but it was obviously a phase as she has now stopped completely.

Get used to it and ignore it they do not mean it they dont even understand what they are saying
its not nice ,but they love you really so try not to worry about it.

Are you for real !?

I don't have a problem with DD telling me to go away or saying she wants X person instead of me or not to talk to her. After all - there are times when I ask her to give me some space (usually nicely) . If she asks rudely then I will remind her to speak nicely to Mummy.

If she says "I don't like you" it is usually in response to something in particular and I acknowledge that she doesn't like whatever it is - helping her to put her finger on the aspect she doesn't like and not labelling me. Just the same as I would talk about her doing a naughty thing as opposed to being a naughty girl.

Times like these are good opportunities to help her articulate negative emotions in a polite and assertive way - something I was never allowed to do.

Steph

Steph im sorry but i really dont think my 3 and a half really knows what she is saying to me when she says i dont like you or when she says it to her brother or at playgroup when the kids say it to each other.You now your DD better then me or anyone else im sorry i do understand its upsetting to hear i dont particularly like to hear those words myself and when she does say it i explain to her that it isnt a nice think to say and you hurt mummys feelings or whoever she or he says it to.
But i stand by what i say and like i said you now your DD loves you i really cant see how you can stop it phases and stages if you find a solution then i would love to hear it.

Cheers Peta

i really agree that they say it without meaning it my almost 5yr old DD wouldnt know what the meaning of I dont like you she says it and laughs alot of times, my 5yr old nephew is the same he will say it and said he was joking after being ignored

I've been thinking about this - of course you are right in that a child doesn't mean it in the same way that an older child or adult would.

However you wouldn't hesitate to believe a 3yo who told you "I don't like peas" when what they are really trying to say is that they don't like the taste or texture - IYKWIM?

I do think that by saying "I don't like you" a child is trying to convey *something* about how they are feeling, rather than hurt your feelings - and IMO learning to articulate/clarify what they are really trying to say is an important thing.

I guess my overall message is that - just like a 1yo can't lie - I seriously doubt a 3yo is being intentionally mean/hurtful by saying "I don't like you" so it can be worthwhile to try and look for the real meaning/intent behind what they say.

Steph

I agree Steph. Often a little while after my dd1 has told me she doesn't like me etc., we will talk about it. I don't react right then and there but after say 10mins or so will bring it up. I will ask her how she is feeling, what it is that was upsetting her etc and what words to use if she is feeling unhappy with me. My dd1 is 4 so she is able to grasp this quite well, a younger child may not though.

Thanks for all of your responses.

I agree with Steph I think that most. I know that he doesn't really have a concept of what he is saying, he knows that it is not a good thing to say, he says it when angry or when I am asking him to do something that he doesn't want to do. So it is his way of expressing his anger at my request.

I have talked to him afterwards in a calm manner but he hasn't responded to these kind of discussions at all. I suppose I will just zip my lips and wait for this stage to pass.

The problem it is now creating is that DD who is 1.8yrs is now responding in the same way when angry. I know that if I ignore the behaviour it will eventually stop...I just find that a hard resolve to keep when I have one telling me they don't like me and to go away(DS) while the other is screaming 'NO' at me (DD) . Those times I want to just scream right on back .

OMG im in the same boat.....Mine picked it up from child care. My DD also says "Im not your friend" alot too!

I ignore it most of the time.

Shaz