Ok, so I am not brave enough to vent about this in the venting section and also need others thoughts as sometimes yes I am wrong (which is very rare )

I have finally gotten my marriage certificate as in the one you have to apply for from BDM (here I was waiting for it to arrive to me thinking it happened automatically lol) Anyway, my DH wanted me to take his last name, he does not have strong views on most things but us having the same name last name is something he felt strongly about. I was all about keeping my last name was never going to change it. He didn't want me to hyphen my name as he doesn't want our kids to have a double barralled (is that the right word) last name. Now there is only one of me in the whole world, when I type in his name with my first name a bunch of Alexa DH's surname.

Now we did come up with a compromise, I would change my last name to DH's but make my maiden name a second middle name (so I would have 4 names) and our children would have 4 names (as in FN MN MN LN). I was never really comfortable with this but it was the best way around and I really want my children to have my last name as it is literally dying out. I have since found out that changing my name like that means a change of name form, it means having to reapply and pay for a new passport etc However I was informed from the Passport office and their website that I can have my last name DH's last name with no hyphon.

Here is where the trouble has started, DH thinks that is not good enough and that is not what we compromised on but I said to him I can pretty much be called what I want on everything expect for offical legal documents - who cares how it is. I did suggest that he change his name and we would both have the same last name but apperantly "that is not what people do"

I can see my DH's point we did compromise but I am so peeved at him for refusing to see my point and the fact that we do not live in the 50's anymore. He is with everything else a very well adjusted non nethandaral man (his dad was a SAHD, he does probably 50% of the cooking, and then most of the cleaning durning the week cleaning, does all the outside work etc) I also don't think it will matter in the greater scheme of things last night I got so mad at him (to be fair I was also very peeved at someone else which I think is why I was more peeved then I would normally be) I told him that fine I will do my name change when my passport expires (which is in 8 yrs)

I am a bit of a commitment phob too (with my family and my past there is good reason to be) and I know that if anything was to happen to us I would not use my DH's name I would revert back to my name, which if I change my giving name I will have to do all that again if something where to happen to our marriage.

So if you have stuck around that long and can make sense of my post. Do you think I should just suck it up and pay the money (which so far will be $359 I think, not sure if VicRoads, or the like will charge me when it is not due to marriage) or do I hold my ground and we just have this cloud or my DH being quietly peeved that we do not share the same name? Why oh why did I marry someone as stubborn as me

I know people can get married and things may happen after the fact but my one question from your post is why are you even considering getting married in the first place if you see yourself as a commitment-phobe? If you aren't at least going into the marriage with 100% commitment then I don't see the point at all.

I get all the stuff about not living in the 1950's and wanting to retain your name for all those reasons but using the excuse that you're not even willing to risk a bit of extra cost and paperwork to change your name back if the marriage doesn't work out doesn't indicate a high level of commitment to me.

DH expected me to change my name- I said no. He said that all the people he knew who didn't change their name ended up getting a divorce. I said I'm not planning on getting a divorce, and I'm not changing my name.
So I kept my name. My children have my maiden name as their middle name. DH doesn't like it, but agreed as they do have his surname.
I think you have given your DH too many options, and he is unhappy because you aren't taking his surname outright, regardless of what you do.

I would keep quiet about it for a while. Keep your legal documents in your maiden name- if your DH asks, say it was too expensive and too time consuming to change it all right now. He is unlikely to ask.

If anyone in a social situation asks your name within your DH's earshot, say your first name, his surname. Should keep him happy and the whole thing is likely to blow over.

You are never going to "win" this argument as your DH will not be happy with anything other than you happily taking his surname.

I don't think anyone should force another person to change their name. And it is completely normal to NOT change your name. So you are hardly going against convention in a big way if that is where his concern lies.

Is there an issue underlying this power struggle? Does he feel that you are not fully committed? Do you feel like you are being "wiped out" as an individual and carring on your family name? Whatever the issues are do they come up in other areas of your relationship?

It sounds like each of you is trying to get their own way rather than trying to find common ground and get to the bottom of the issue.

How do you normally resolve issues when you don't agree?

OK, so now you are having a "oh sh*t! I'm getting married... do I want to be married..." moment.

Hmm, its a bit late for that really.

In regards to your name, IF something did happen and you chose to go back to your maiden name then thats what you would do. Its your phobia that is making you react like "damn, I'm doing this now and 'next week' I'll have to change it back" when in reality you will be happily married for 60years.

I do understand your sense of identity with your non usual surname and I do think you should just add your DH's name on to the end. You dont have to double bunger it by adding a hyphen.

I think though, that now all the shouting is out of the way, you do need to sit and explain to your DH that you are having a commitment phobe moment and feel like you are loosing a part of yourself. Try and have some compromise in mind that you can present to him too.

I've been married 15 years this month and didn't take DH's surname until about 5 years ago, and then only because it was too funny seeing him called Mrs whathousework at kindy. Can you put him off for a while by saying you're just not comfortable with the idea and will reconsider when you've got kids closer to school age?

Same here. Im getting married next year, and my partner didn't bring up a name change, and didn't even raise an eyebrow when I said I was keeping my surname.

A compromise for me is having 2 wedding receptions -an Asian one and an "aussie" one. Being told to change my name to his or having him get angry about my decisions? Its just not gonna happen. Sorry.

Eta, no matter how hard I tried to keep my maiden name, it was just so much easier to take DH's name when kids came along.

I got a bit confused but the money and the paperwork is not really significant. I wouldn't change my last name - as you said, it's not the 50s. The cost is not really relevant, it seems the issues that are at stake are whether you will stick the agreement/compromise you originally made, or whether you have since decided this is unreasonable and would like to make a new agreement about what name you will take. I don't really have an opinion here, but cost and paperwork shouldn't really come in to it - that seems like a weak excuse. If you want to retain your own name, that's your business and your DH can express his opinion, but really, it's your name. However if sticking to what you agreed upon is important in your household then you might do a lot of damage by going back on your word.

Well it is a tad late now because I have been married for 9 months. For *me* the hurdles of commitment where things like moving in together, and buying our house etc. Which had me in a tizz when it was happening and I was freaking out. I knew that buying a house with DH was going to mean I had to be ready to spend the rest of my life with him. Getting married wasn't hard or a hurdle as I suppose for us we were already committed to each other it was a formality. Since getting married these feelings that I used to have (before I did councilling on the fact that I wouldn't allow my BF - DH at the time - to call me his GF in public or introduce me as that) have slowly creeped back up. (FTR it has been nothing to do with my DH, but things that have happened again which were basically the sole reason for my issues) and the thought of going through with name change is giving me a bit of anxiety.

opps sorry posted to quickly...

Your children's surname is whatever you write on the birth registration form - your name, his name, both names, neither name - whatever you choose.

It is your choice what you call yourself - he can request that you take his name, you can either accept or refuse - I don't think it's fair of him to request that you drop your name, again you can choose to if you want to.

Whatever you do now can be reversed if you divorce.

I would not be presenting him with compromises and I would be telling him to bite me.

Unless he wants to change his name to mine (he's the one who wants to share a surname after all) he's SOL in my opinion.

If he wants you to change, he needs to present a compelling reason for you to compromise. You're the person being asked to change their name after all and you're the person who won't be using their unique name so why is it up to you to find a compromise?

Don't have children until you can both decide on exactly what to call them. 4names is just too long.

I changed my name last year after our marriage. I did not do a change name form and get a new birth cert issued. I just used the marraige cert from BDM to change my license passport bank accounts medicare etc..

Passport wise you can hyphen your name no worries no cost and the reissued passport will be valid for the same period as your current one at nil cost. See info below



What changes can I make to my family name following marriage?
The bride or the groom may choose one of the following family name options in a passport due to marriage:

• retain your existing family name; or
• adopt your spouse’s family name; or
• adopt a combination of your family name and your spouse’s family name with or without hyphens.

For example if Lisa Smith marries Tom Jones her name after marriage could be;

First name Family name
Lisa Smith
Lisa Jones
Lisa Smith Jones
Lisa Jones Smith
Lisa Smith-Jones
Lisa Jones-Smith

Copied from the link below.
https://www.passports.gov.au/Web/Requiremen...geMarriage.aspx

Her DH is requesting she move her surname into the middle name slot - in the options above she would have to write Smith Jones as her surname on official documents, her DH just wants Jones.

Totally agree with PP's, it's your name, you choose. You can stick to your original compromise with your children's names.

I don't think you should be getting anxious about this, after all you said he wouldn't even enter into a discussion/negotiation when you raised him changing his name. I think you're being bullied into something you clearly don't want to do.

This was almost me too.

I kept my maiden name after we got married. Now that we have kids, I use the kids / DH's name for anything family related, and my maiden name for anything work related.

So at school, video shop, onlne grocery shopping, etc etc, I use the family name.

On business cards, work email, etc, maiden name.

My passport is in married name, as we generally travel as a family. Drivers license is maiden name, as I've never bothered to change it.

Our bank accounts are still separate names (joint account), as is my credit card, mortgages, house deeds etc.

I am happy with this compromise. I don't think DH has an issue. If he does, he's wisely kept it to himself.

I still have my birth name on all legal documents including my passport. I've been married for over 8 years. The house title deeds are in my birth name too. I wouldn't change them now purely because it would cost money - you have only got a 12 month period to present your marriage certificate and have it be free. I only started being called Ms Hislastname because we worked together and everyone knew we were married. I wish I insisted on beinf called Ms Mylastname. I don't like his surname, it's too long and hard to spell and I don't like his family. My DH is not impressed I'm now reverting to my birth name. I've told him to feel free to change his to mine and he's not impressed with that either. Some men surprise you with how 1950's they are with some things yet not over others. I empathize OP. I just wish I never gave our kids his surname either ugh.

I'd say do what you want, it's your name.

Am I correct in reading that you're willing to drop your last name, change your maiden to a second middle name? So essentially you will be Mrs HISLASTNAME and he's still not happy?

I changed my name. I guess I'm old fashioned, also I think of it as our family name. I am happy to have his name.

Each to their own.

Tigerdog I do think my DH has a similar view that me not changing my name means that I am now backing away from being 100% committed

Halcyodays . Thanks for your suggestions. DH's suggestion was use my maiden name as a middle name for our kids (which would mean if we had girls - in his line of viewing things - they would keep my name and discard our "family name) but my name is not a normal name so would sound very weird being the only middle name hence why I came up with compromise in the first place.

I do book under his Surname and have used it for my Myer one card or anything I have joined up to since getting married and use it on my emails at work etc so socially I have been using it.

Amoral Lemur - I don't believe so, I am pretty sure that despite my issues he feels I am 100% committed to him. I do in a way feel like I am being wipped out as an individual though, probably because I have always had to spell my last name and there are very few people in the whole world with it and no one with my first name. All other areas of our relationship are pretty good. (Other then he has male selective hearing) The things we tend to not agree on are the furnishings and paint colours and what football team our non existance kids are going to follow- he is normally just a laid back kind of guy who goes with the flow.

JustBeige - you are right. I know I only wanted to be in one defacto/marriage as I have been brought up in the opposite world. So I do give myself 100% (just like my DH does) but it doesn't stop the "oh crap is this real do I really want this" coming up every now and again. I think the main issue is he doesn't get the identy thing, becaue "that is what happens when you get married"

whathousework - I did think of that, my thought was to change it to my last name his last name now, and then when my passport ran out to change it offically with BDM and add my "maiden" name to my given name.

suline - I don't think I could go through 2 wedding receptions. That would be a lot of stress! Good luck with it all.

libbylu - you are probably right I am probably just trying to find excuses for keeping my "identy" which I know is not all about my name but about me as a person. I am having a mother of 3 identy crisis without the 3 kids.

Ferdiand - you are probaly right, for me it is a bit of both, for others it would just be about keeping their last name because they want to.

dolcengabbana - You can only change your name with the passport people, with the bank, vicroads, medicare etc if it is only your surname changing. Mine would be my given name changing which means extra paperwork and a name change application. So I could have Alexa Sarah (given names) Jones Smith (surname) with only a marriage certificate OR I could have Alex Sarah Jones (given name) Smith (surname) but I have to have a change of name thingy for that.

Bunsen - thank you for your post, it would be a flat out no if he was requesting I get rid of my name full stop.

smallworldplease - I did ask him that but he wasn't to keen on that - does that surprise you?

I kept mine, DH wanted me to change, but it was important to me not to, he did understand in the end.

I took my DH's surname, but only cause I don't want to be associated with mine. Long story, involving a very nasty grandfather . In your case, if my name was dying out and his was common I'd want him to take my name if anyone changed, or at least for the kids to have it.
Tell him if you add his surname after yours you can still just be know as Mrs DH's surname, legally if you have a double surname you can be known by either, and you can use one for work and one for family, all your official documents will have both, but not really much different to making your surname a MN. I think this is a compromise enough. And and no reason your kids have to a double barreled surname - which I don't really like, NMS, but that's just me. Just tell your DH you'll have a double surname, he can keep his and the kids will get his surname as a surname and your surname as a MN. If he's being logical can't see why he'd have a problem with this.

Then again, maybe this is more about your I don't want to do it cause it's a commitment too far thing. Did you tell him that you don't want to change your name in case things don't work out? If you did, or if he knows about your commitment phobia then this may be the reason he has his back up. I'd reiterate that your happy to take his name as it's important to him, but that you need to keep your name too because that's important as it's very rare. He should compromise too. And that your kids will just have his name, not double barrelled like you. Even if you have different surnames, no reason the kids can't have his. They can be registered at birth in either your surname or his, so it doesn't really matter what your surname is as far as kids go.

I dont think there is any right or wrong answer to whether you (or anyone) should change their name.

I am traditional and I changed my nameto Dh's name - but I was happy to do this and was not forced or pressured - it is your name and up to you whether you change it - it is only up to your DH whether he changes his name - and of course you have to come to an agreement about what your childrens names will be when you have any.



4 names is only first name, 2 middle names, surname - I know many people with 2 middle names, is no big deal at all.

fairyflossfart - thanks for that but I don't mind my kids having 4 names and I don't mind his last name being their last name.

bunsen - to be fair to my DH I did come up with the compromise of not hyphonating it and saying I will move it to a middle name, he was happy with that I can see why he would upset I am now backing away from what I said. I would be upset if it was the other way around as well.

november lily - thank you for that, deep down he knows if I don't want to do it I just won't.

Ruffles - thanks for that, that is something that I would considering doing.

GenWhy - I am not a fan of my DH's surname either, it is far to harsh sounding for my liking for me (which is why I have not picked harsh sounding names for our non existance future kiddlets) and it also takes away from my heritage.

Kitty Fantastico No I said I would do that, and am now backing away from that. I have said that officially I will be willing to be Mrs MyLastName HisLastName and socially be Mrs HisLastName. Hist sticking point is that he would like us all to have the same famiyl name as we are a family - but the catch is he is not changing his name.


Jen - I don't think it is old fashioned, I think the expection that the women has to change her name is old fashioned. If my name wasn't so individual then I probably would just drop my name. It could also be I don't get along with some of his family - so I don't want to be confused for some of them on paper lol.

A.page - I think I just need to get him to get that point - how important it is to me and therefore how much this second compromise means to me.

bubble11 - No I haven't told him that bit about the committment thing. I do think he may have his back up because of my past committment issues. When I brouched the topic about seeing someone to him I casually said "Oh I started seeing a councillor the other day" his response was "I think that is a good idea" lol

I can't see the difference TBH between my two options I have presented. But when my DH gets his back up he can be very pig headed (just like I am 95% of the time) I wonder if they can screen for a stubborness gene? At least if we have a girl (because going by my DH's logic they will be required to give up his name) she will have my name in there to do what she wants with it. - See I can be a smartypants sometimes.

4 Kidlets Thanks for that. As I said if my name was not so unique I would probably not worry and all would be happy.

You are a grown woman. I dont think you should have to compromise on your identity because it hurts his pride.

I'd tell him to p*ss off and have your name as you intended it, with two surnames. I wish I had of put my name is first mylastname his last name now, if I had of known it was an option but I had to change it for the house settlement or reapply and have the sale fall through

I'm Batman that sucks. I think because I said I would have 1 last name and 3 given names he is upset. As I said I can totally understand that. I would be too, but unlike him I would hope I could at least try and see why he had backed down on the original "agreement"

I think if it means a lot to you, then you should keep your own name. I'm sure your husband will come around once he realises that you have made up your mind. Where there needs to be compromise is with the children's surname, although if you're happy for them to have his surname then it shouldn't be an issue for him.
Just from my experience I grew up with a double-barrelled 16 letter plus hyphen surname and I hated it, it seemed pretentious. Was so glad to marry my husband and take his 5 letter very common surname. I have an unusual first name though so it went well.

I had a brief battle with DH when I informed him I wouldn't be taking his name when we got married. At the time, I was shocked, as I really didn't think he'd care either way. He is Chinese, and it is not a cultural tradition to change a woman's name after marriage, and none of the women in his family have done so.

He got really upset, and took it to mean that I wasn't proud to be his wife. After sitting down and talking about it (once he calmed down), I explained that the reasons he wanted me to take his name (pride, a sense of family, etc.) were the very reasons I wanted to keep my name.

I'm proud of my family and our heritage. My name is such an integral part of my identity, that I don't want to change it. My parents have both passed away and this is my link to them. I'm glad that I have a different name to my husband, otherwise I would feel like that link to my parents had been erased.

In the end, he was fine with it. I just needed to be able to articulate clearly to him why it meant so much to me to keep my name, and he understood.

So your DH thinks, because of those he's known, that not having the same name is related to breaking up?

Um...

I didn't change my name. Been married 28 years.

Have friends who didn't change their names and they've been married 17 and 20 years respectively. Know about 4 or 5 women who are divorced and they all took the ex's name.

Also know one woman who was blackmailed into taking her DH's name because he said it showed she didn't love him. She still, 20 years later, resents this. Does he want that?

B & X's - I wouldn't give my kids what would become a very complicated name, and the names don't sound nice together anyway, my last name worked for me as my first name is short I think I would feel differently if both my names had to spelt out.

Matthias - that is what it is, I am proud of my heritage and you know my heritage with my name. DH's last name is also from another country but he doesn't acknowledge that, that is his heritage.

archy's mehitable - no my DH thinks that a family should share the same last name (as do many other people) and I can see why he thinks this as he comes from a family where there is no divorce or parents with different names and growing up would have been known as the "smith family", to me the connection of family was more than just our last names because half of us had different last names, and we were never referred to as "the Jones family" (probaby because our last name was not Jones )

I changed my name & it was surprisingly a lot easier than i thought.

As well, when i updated my details at the university, they offered to reprint my certificate & register post it to me for $10. My professional membership body offered me the same deal - so i was most impressed.

In saying that, it was my choice to take his name & i have no sentimental attachment to my maiden name.

Though i am aware that his SIL hasn't & i know my MIL is not impressed, however it really is none of her business.

PrincessPeach - yeah to just take his name it is pretty easy, the problem is because I want to change my "given name" I did ask my IL's before we married if they would be offeneded - at the time they said that they would be in part but that they know it is none of their business and it is a decesion between DH and I.

Why exactly? How would this affect someone in their day to day life. My son has 4 names, but for day to day purposes he will only ever use two. We stuck and extra last name in there as a nod to dh's grandfather. It meant something to DH and is a connection for DS to his ancestral and cultural roots.

archy's mehitable - no my DH thinks that a family should share the same last name (as do many other people) and I can see why he thinks this as he comes from a family where there is no divorce or parents with different names and growing up would have been known as the "smith family", to me the connection of family was more than just our last names because half of us had different last names, and we were never referred to as "the Jones family" (probaby because our last name was not Jones )
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If it really is all about just sharing the last name, no probs.

He changes his to yours and you'll all have the same last name.

The change you want will cost money, too, so that shouldn't be a deciding factor.

I think you should decide what you want to be called, and no compromise is needed. Save the compromise for what you will call the children.

I kept my surname when I got married and our kids have hyphenated surnames. For both of us, a hyphenated surname is not ideal, but it was the best option for us. DH knows I am a feminist and have strong views about not giving my name up just because I am female. So he knew who I was before I got married and my name has not been an issue at all.

archy's mehitable haha I asked him that again last night he was not so keen on that.

chatem thanks for your post. I have been strong willed about the name since he meet me as well and he knew this I think he is just hurt I said I would do something and am now going back on it.

Thank you all for your posts and advice. I did speak to him last night and the main issue is that I said I would change my name (which meant a lot to him) and now I am not and going back on my word. He does get where I am coming from a little bit but for him the sticking point is "you said you would do this and now you are not" and if the roles were reversed I would be upset at DH if he decided to back away from TTCing or redoing our ensuit.

I still do not know what to do, I think I will just suck it up and get the name change forms (I have to wait for them to send me my original birth certificate anyway) and just change my passport when I can be a*sed (as they won't do it for free so no need on rushing it through in the next 3 months)

Sounds to me more like you compromised, and he told you what to compromise on. There has been no compromise from him. He needs to stop his pride dictating how he wants things.

FTR, I kept my maiden name. DH has a strong view on me taking his last name, but I don't want to. I am the only person with my particular name in the country, and possibly even the world (my maiden name is hyphenated anyway). Our children have my DH's surname, but I feel no need to change mine. I answer by either my married or maiden surname. It doesn't worry me at all. DH is learning to get over it. My name is not what makes out marriage, our relationship is.

I agree, you're the one whose compromising, he's giving nothing.

I didn't change my name because I'm not Mrs (hisname), I'm me. I didn't even change it when they starting calling him Mr (mysurname)

Don't be pushed into doing it if you feel so strongly about your own identity, he has no right to make you do that or make you feel guilty about changing your mind

My kids have their dads surname and I haven't had any issues in the past 17 (almost) years.

Some of their friends might call me Mrs X when I'm really Ms B but I just answer them without worrying about it.

your situation sounds a whole lot like mine. Except for the fact that I was not as stubborn as DH. He has a real bee in his bonnet about me changing my name and us all having the same name and all that. I though, meh, I dont care so I decided to do it.

Boy what a freaking pain and the ass it has been. Not to mention the cost of changing all my identification over both in time/hassle factor and money and it STILL haunts me to this day with things like my phone bill, computer logins etc. I actually had a life before I married (did a degree, joined associations, travelled etc, whatever) my maiden name was on a LOT of stuff. It si NOT worth it. if I know what a hassle I would have and still randomly continue to have I would have been more stubborn in my refusal. Its just dumb.

oh, and as far as winning the arguement goes, I havent figured that out myself yet so Im' no help there.

Ive been married for 2 years. I changed my name on a bunch of small things, but i left my maiden name on passport, drivers licence and ambulance (just because they want me to send a certifified copy of my certificate and I can't be bothered going to get another one of those done)
But your maiden name is still you and your maried name is still you. I just carry that marriage cert with me for incase I need it. My mum is agast, she says what if you lose it? I say then i'll just order another one!

To put it politely your DH is being an a*se. Your name has nothing to do with him at all. Don't let him dictate which name you use as you wouldn't do the same to him.

My DH knew he had no say in which name I used like I didn't have a choice in which name he used. However, I did ask him to take mine just like one of his male friends did with his DWs surname.

Ask him to take your name, when he says no ask him 'why ?' He should be able to understand that his reasons for not taking your name are as valid as your reasons for not taking his.