[new~mum~reenie]

How do you handle it?

I'm on the edge of tears feeling like I'm ignoring my older boy. Ds2 was born 7 days ago and since then I have been stuck to the newborn getting breastfeed going and trying to sleep when he does (he's very unsettled at night, and only sleeps well in the day at the mo).

DH has been taking on the responsibility of looking after DS1 and general house work (I think he has a new appreciation of how much I do!) but he has a shorter tollerance than me and he is working really hard to not get cross at him - I think DH is finding it hard to have no 'child free time' like you do at work etc. but he has been making an effort to do something fun with him every day - today they bought a wooden truck project from bunnings - they have glued it together and are going to paint it tomorrow.

But I can see the look in DS1's eyes that he misses me, and I miss hanging out with him! He is a cool kid with a great sense of humour. Tonight he has been upset to I went and had a cuddle in his bed, but before long baby is crying for boob and I have to leave him and I can see the look in his eyes that he is sad. I told him I love him and when baby gets a bit bigger he won't need me so much, but I guess that seems a long time away when you're 4.

So I'm in bed crying now, that it's all changed and he is feeling sad.

Maybe its the lack of sleep making me more sensitive. I've only had about 4 hours sleep and only 2 hours of that was consecutive.

How did you deal with the change when the new baby came?

[Kay1]

I'm sorry to hear you're finding it so upsetting. I think you are doing all the right things. Just keep telling him that this time is temporary. Also let him help you as much as possible so you can tell him what a great helper he is and so he feels he is helping take care of his little brother.

Can you BF in front of the tv with your older boy beside you? My 4 year old loves it if I sit with him and watch a kids show on tv and we talk about the show (v boring for me but he loves it LOL).

Also bear in mind this stage will pass and there will soon be a time when you watch your boys playing together and you will know what a gift you gave him in his little brother. I know it seems now like that time will never come but it honestly will, and quickly, and this time will be a mere blur.

I remember feeling sad that I had lost that closeness with DS1 when DS2 was born. It was only temporary though and 4 years later we are as close as ever.

[-clare-]

Perfect advice from pp... And yes it's normal to miss the uninterrupted time with your older one.... I can only add.....
- if you can, just feed bubs while you carry on with normal things with your older one.... Eg read older one a book while you feed bub, or play on floor while feed bub.... Make it very clear that yes things are a bit trickier, little bub doesn't disrupt that much, it's just a matter of altering how you do things..
- tiny amounts of special time just with your older one do count... Even if it's something you are already doing, get older one to help.... Make A point of saying how baby can't do thus but you can eg helping with dishes, washing, earring, cooking
You are doing great, it gets easier

[SilverSky]

OP I know how you feel. I've been in tears cos I miss hanging out with my DS. Now with three week old dd I'm stuck feeding and settling her for hours it seems. I get upset when DS grabs my hand and tries to pull me to play with him. I find that if I set aside one part if the day for us to do something fun together then that makes him happy. Today we baked some cookies while dd was in the sling. Can you put DS2 in a sling and plan some activities with your DS? Best of luck, you're not alone and we've mostly all been there ourselves as kids and don't have issues or remember it as a negative experience so it can't have lasting effects!

Eta. Four hours sleep and only two consecutive? This is me as well!

This post has been edited by chickydee: 29/07/2012, 01:49 AM

[hiccamups]

I felt just like you do OP. It's an awful feeling.

All I can say is that it gets better. That's the one thing I'm worried about with this one on the way. I don't want to miss out on my time with my other children.

[MakeLoveNotBacon]

I was lucky in that dh really, really stepped up as well as other family members. It's hard though. I still feel bad for my eldest and the 'baby' is 19 mths old. Just remind yourself you've probably given him one of life's greatest gift; a sibling. As your kids grow and you watch them play together, console and protect each other, you'll know it's all be worthwhile.

[trishalishous]

When DD was born she pretty much lived in the sling, while I chased the 4yo twins around. Her cluster feeds in the evening were our story times, so they were happy to sit and read. During the day we did activities still, but more painting/colouring etc, so I could sit and feed/pump when needed.
Im planning on doing the same this time, but Ill let you know how I go!

[CherryAmes]

Thanks for this thread, this is something I worry about with my coming bub, so it's good to hear how other people handle it. My partner doesn't have a lot of patience too so I understand!

[Violet Devine]

DS1 is 22 months and DS2 is 1 month so we're in the middle of this too.

I BF on the couch with ds1 sitting next to me if he's cuddly, otherwise he'll play in front of me.

When others are around and bub is settled, let them cuddle ds2 and I'll focus on ds1.

Ds1 goes out for excursions with grandparents.

Bub is in the carrierca fair bit when unsettled sob my hands are free.

Whenever I can I scoop up ds1 for big cuddles and generally shower him with attention.

I explain a lot too him about why I can't pick him up, how ds2 is sucha little baby and hasn't learnt xyz, how proud I am of him for practicing his patience etc etc

Good luck OP, it sounds like you're doing well. Its very early and youshould find it gets easier as you go.

[Etcetera]

It's hard when trying to get in the swing of things at first, but it gets easier.

You could make up a little box of activities for when you're stuck on the couch feeding. Some favourite books to read, a new DVD, maybe a new toy, some snacks and a drink.
Include him as your special helper - I know my 4yo is going to love giving the baby a bath, so I'm going to get a tub for his dolls so we can both wash our babies.

I also think it's important to get some one on one time. Is there a part of the day that isn't so busy? One we had breastfeeding established, DH would give a bottle of EBM and I would do bedtime stories with my eldest.
Maybe you could plan one extra fun activity for a nap time each day and have it be a consistent thing so he knows he can look forward to it. Say after lunch each day as baby is sleeping for example.