[dsk72]

I believe the Bully Child was spoken to on numerous occasions and was also made to go and read books at lunch instead of playing with the other children if their behaviour was a problem. Nothing really made much difference.

To be honest the school didn't interact much with me at all. I'd discussed with the class teacher in Term 1, and sent a letter in Term 2. DD had seen the school chaplain many times over the problems. When I eventually lost my patience and spoke to the chaplain, she claimed that she didn't realise how serious and repetitive it was. So then I spoke with someone in the admin - not sure of her position, and told her that we are not going to tolerate bullying of any form any more and I will expect some strong action from the school.

Apart from anything else the Bully Child has developed a reputation among the parents and I think that is an extremely unhealthy situation in itself. I never mentioned to anyone who my DD had a problem with, but it was amazing how many people guessed correctly.

I'm not sure what the situation is with Bully Child this year, whether their behaviour has been corrected or not. But as it does not involve my child directly, it's not really my concern at the moment.

Cheers

[steppy]

At the primary school my stepkids went to they also classified exclusion as bullying. It was difficult because there was this bully girl whose mother would keep going to the school and complaining her child was being excluded, and then all the other mums would be pressured to invite this unlikeable girl to parties and sleepovers, which resulted in other kids being bullied by her ... such a snarled tangled thing to define.

[Canberra chick]

Also, if the child doing the continual physical intimidation has special needs, does it alter the answer.

Yes, a very key topic in our house at the moment.

This is a problem in our house. A child in DS's class wants to be friends with DS, but because his verbal skills aren't great his way of showing his 'friendliness' is to choke and punch DS.

DS has spoken to the teacher and they have stepped in a couple of times, but the behaviour resumes the next recess/lunch break. I have asked DS if he wants me to intervene (i.e. have a quiet chat with his teacher, see if we can come up with some strategies), but he said to wait until after the holidays and see if it continued.

I don't believe at this point he is being bullied; as far as I can gather the other child has a range of physical and neural problems and has difficulty making friends. I'd like to see this child getting some help with communicating and what is and isn't acceptable behaviour.

Another child in the class keeps making snidey comments, accusing DS of cheating at soccer etc. That seems to be more upsetting for DS.

[JRA]

CC: Same. DS knows that one child "cannot help it", the other well....

[opethmum]

Howdo -

In primary school, I was made to feel worthless and that I was crap. We often give them the benefit of the doubt that they do not know what they are doing but too often they do know what they are doing and they know it hurts. This is where too often parents like to make themselves feel better by this stance if their child is the aggressor.

[howdo]

Whuh?

I was saying not all bullying has to involve making a child feel like crap and worthless as the goal, not that 'you aren't bullied if 'all' they did was make you feel like crap'.

Other stuff is ALSO bullying was was my point.

[JRA]

Well there you go there is a whole bullying forum area.

That is the way to lose a discussion, never to be seen again

[howdo]

I saw that the other day and wondered if it ever got used!

[mummabear]

I had no idea there was a forum for bullying..sorry.

Some interesting points. I think my own definition falls somewhere into line with this-

Sustained and repeated physical or verbal threats or intimidation by the same person to the same target over a period of time.

But I have questioned this a few times, mainly because my daughter is so consistently manipulated by a so called friend. It is constant, and she can be very nasty if she doesn't get her way. (she runs all the games in the small circle of friends, picking and choosing who does what and deliberately leaving out some people) and if it doesn't go her way...'I am not playing!' 'I'm not your friend' 'give me back my gift I gave you'. I could go on. These are not one offs. They happen every day. DD has been loaded with responses to this regular power play, not sure if it stops the behaviour but my daughter doesn't feel like a victim anymore. I could keep listing the things this girl does...she is actually a likeable child when u meet her and I really like her mum, very decent woman whom I have known for years. Did someone say awkward? Anyway, I guess I am dealing with it and dd is happy at school, she is confidently dealing with this child rather than giving in to her demands, but still waivers at times as she is so persistent. Is this bullying or just an example of what some might refer to as being a 'b**ch'. I have been calling it bullying, but I am wondering if I am just being dramatic because it is my own child?

[howdo]

To be honest she just sounds like a spoiled brat. I think it could turn into bullying but it sounds as if it's currently a simple social dynamic common among girls. Not sure how old your DD is but it's a common play style.

Basically, I think it's borderline.

I also think it sells kids short to refer to exclusion or other behaviours as bullying. Yes it's one of a range of behaviours that contribute to bullying but we need to name behaviour to children and be explicit. I have seen kids look at me in horror when I am blunt with them and tell them that what they said was sexual harassment. I have seen kids trying to argue but realise they can't when I name their behaviour as exclusion rather than bullying.

If you simply label it bullying then the child usually has a response, the most common one being "They did it/something to me first!" Whether or not the thing that was done to them warranted being strangled is beside the point in the child's eyes.It could go something like this:

Sally: He scratched me!
Bob: She scratched me first!
Sally: Because he said I was a girl and couldn't play!
Bob: Because we already had even teams!

Now Sally could be consistently lashing out physically at Bob and you could label it bullying and tell her off/hand out a consequence and it will do ... Nothing.

Sally gets excluded from the game - Bob thinks he has a fair enough reason, but he's addressed it by being a sexist pig. Sally recognises the slight and lashes out so Bob retaliates. Either Sally or Bob's parents could think their child was the victim of bullying and the other child the perpetrator.

But if you teach Bob that he's excluding, and engaging in sexist behaviours rather than labelling it bullying it will be more successful - because honestly, *which* child is the bully in that scenario?

Saying 'bullying' to a child doesn't tell them anything. They don't know what it looks like unless you make it explicit. It's not a behaviour, it's a set of behaviours and by naming and describing them we demystify it. Most adults have trouble defining it, how can we expect kids to?

OP, by giving your daughter the skills to even the social playing field, you have done exactly the right thing. Some of the behaviours would fit under the bullying banner I am sure, but by giving your DD a way to neutralise the social power the other child holds she's dealing with it efficiently and effectively. If she is confidently dealing with the child she isn't being bullied. The other child may still be engaging in bullying behaviours however - so worth keeping an eye on.