[aprilrain]

One thing I see in your post is that you feel he needs male mentors. If you've got time, go and check out the scout groups in your local area. They often have male leaders as well as female, and are genuinely interested in the kids and are all trained volunteers. At 14 he would be in Scouts or Venturers and be able to do some things that you may not be able to do on your own. eg camping, hiking, rockclimbing and meeting lots of kids in his own age group.

With my oldest, I just told him we would go check it out and he could stay if he liked it.

My teen would be a bit like this too. Sometimes I look back and wonder if I was always angry and picky and timepoor. I try and be aware of it but most of us feel under pressure.

If you are happy most of the time thats great, but is he making a true statement to you and picking up more of your feelings than you'd like?

[i-candi]

http://shop.abc.net.au/products/hell-be-ok...s-into-good-men

I have just finished reading this book and I found it pretty good, I wouldn't pay for it but if you can get it out of the library it might help. It's very easy and a quick read.

I feel your pain, we're not at the partner stage yet (DS is 12) but I've had a lot of advice of "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" ie don't forbid a relationship you don't like but get the partner to spend the majority time at your place. No idea if it can work though.

[ratbags]

Ok I have had a good nights sleep, DH came home last night after being interstate for several days. One thing that we as a family do do is we talk, I told DH that I cannot carry this load alone anymore.

I agree with you that we need counselling, a friend mentioned to me the other day that perhaps the time had come for family counselling in view of issues that have been arising.

I will read that book He'll be ok, I think at the moment I need the insular reading than a talking this through right now. I do recognise that he is manipulating me, as I told him last night that no one person can or should be used to make a person happy! In my neurotic state last night I explained to my son that alot of what he is feeling is that he is getting older and the seperation from me is a normal healthy progression to manhood...he was really receptive to this though.

Bloody hell this parenting trip is heartbreaking, I can shoulder all this as long as I know that my son will still love me and I love him at the end?

[mum201]

Bloody hell this parenting trip is heartbreaking, I can shoulder all this as long as I know that my son will still love me and I love him at the end?

HOnestly, when he is in his 20's this will all be a distant memory. People always say how horrid teenage girls are, but boys are just as hard in their own way.

As far as what you are doing, I think try and keep bombing as much love at all 3 boys as you can (whether or not it feels reciprocated) and make sure they feel secure, as they go through adolescence.

I think the biggest issue though is your DH. You sound like you are giving a lot, whereas he does not. Fathers are SO crucial their sons. It's how they learn to be a man. He needs to step up and reconnect. Even if your DH is not the most communicative he needs to do things with his sons, whether it be a sport, fishing, camping weekends or something.

He seems to be connecting with this Dannielle because all he has ever had is a female connection. Because you are not as available now (not your fault), he seems to think the two roles are interchangeable. Instead of this he needs to be building a connection with his father.

[ratbags]

You know the one thing that stands out about your post mum201 is when you said "He has to step up and connect" one thing he said after I told all this last night is "why do I need to step up what does he want from me?" it left me sort of I am now doubting my ability to have chosen a sensible mate to procreate with.

As I explained to my DH you are it now, I am not a man I am not a male, you are the one that he needs right now. Our son is going through a little sh*t stage too though because he is linked in with a great youth growth with strong male role models, but he doesn't want to go citing "they are not my type of people?" when pressed as to what are 'his type of people' he replies "I don't know just not them"

This post has been edited by ratbags: 21/04/2012, 11:07 AM

[mum201]

Ratbags - I am sure you picked a perfectly good mate to procreate with. He's just not getting it on this particular issue. As much as us mothers like to think we can be everything to our kids, I just don't think we can. Even if kids don't have a dad around they still need a strong male figure in their life.

You can't get yourself down about what your sonsaid because teens are like this, and you are trying to do the job of 2 people alone. Maybe try getting your DH to use some of the resources at raisingboys.com.au. It helped me when I became a guardian pretty much overnight to our challenging but wonderful teen nephew.

What is your DHs issue with playing a bigger role anyhow? If he gets on board he might find a good friend he never knew he had, in his own son.

Big virtual hug

[i-candi]

Ratbag get your DH to read the book as well, there is a section in in that says how important it is for a father (or male role model) is important for a boy.

[feliz6]

sounds like a pretty tough time for your family. i think counselling sounds like a greta option. depending on where you are there are lots of options that wont cost you much (if thats a factpr for you) for example, community health centres, headspace, relationships australia, catholic care etc etc.
if your husband doesnt know what to do i think its ok for him to ask your son- to say something like ' i;ve noticed you've been a bit (insert as appropriate distant, moody, withdrawn) lately and Id like to help you. What is the best thing i can do to help.'

i think in the first post you said ur son said things have changed- that ur not as happy - ask him for specific examples of what has changed for him since ur not as happy. he may say something that you can work with- eg i loved it when we had a milkshake together on the weekends, or you used to have time to help me with my homework.

of course you arent responsible for his happiness, he choses how he interprets and responds to events in his life. his interpretations will directly influence his thoughts and behaviours. perhaps through counselling he could look at his interpretation of events.

best of luck

[DenimAngel]

I have recently read another great book I borrowed from my son's kindy. It's called "Growing Great Boys" by Ian Grant. I found it an easy read and it has lists of tips and such including what Dad's can do, different stages of boys and Mothering alone which might be as a single Mum but could also be if Dad isn't stepping up to the plate.
Please, please don't give up. Just when think they are never going to get it they do something to show you they really do care. One of our boys has been more than a handful over the years and in the last year he has made a complete 180o and shown me a side of him I never thought he had and qualities I didn't think he had taken on.
One of the most important things we discussed with him this last year was that happiness comes from within and the person he hurts the most if he chooses the wrong path is ultimately himself. It took a long time but we are finally seeing the light.