[purpleppleater]

I am going anon because i've established relationships with people on this site and don't want them to know how i really feel "on the inside".

I hate myself, disgust myself, despise myself. I look in the mirror and cry. I hate what i see so much. I would even go so far as to say i loathe myself and often think i'm a waste of space.

I weigh 103. Kilos. And this is the only place i've ever admitted "my number". How i hate that number, i hate that i have that number. Its disgusting, i'm so ashamed.

I don't know what to do. This is a "woe is me" type post but also a post for help. I need it, i can't bear to be me anymore. I can't be me anymore, i just can't do it.

Up until a few years ago i had a very healthy self image. I went to the gym, i've never ever been a svelte size 8 like many of my friends however i was active and healthy. I liked myself, i was happy and positive and nicknamed "smiley" by so many people.

Then i started putting on weight. I injured my leg and had to stop the gym for a while, i had a surprise pregnancy and put on weight. I went through a rocky period in my relationship and put on more weight as i ate to comfort myself. And then i looked in the mirror and realised how big i got, i saw a photo of myself and realised how disgusting i now look. I can't go back to the gym, well i can but i'm too embarrassed to show how disgusting i've become.

Its a cycle, look in the mirror and feel disgust, eat to comfort myself, look in the mirror, eat on and on and on.

Sexually I'd always been very in touch with my body, no inhibitions, very confident in the bedroom. And now i barely let DH touch me, and i never let him see me. I hate to look at myself - i don't want to subject him to looking at me. He says he loves me and thinks i'm sexy and beautiful - but i can't accept it. I just think "how can he be attracted to a big ball of fat."

So much self loathing and negativity - previously i was never a woe-is-me person but i seem to be now! Just another thing to dislike about myself.

I want to go back to the "me" of before, i don't know how to get out of this head space though, or where to start trying to get rid of this weight. All i know is i'm disgusted in myself and its affecting every single aspect of my life.

Any advice anyone?

[Kazz33]

For starters you are more than that number! Don't let that number control you. It is just a number, why does it get to dictate how you will feel & what you will eat on any particular day? Put the scales away. Focus on eating well & going for a walk out in the fresh air. Don't try & be skinny, try & be healthy, your weight will most likely take care of itself.

I can completely relate to what you are saying though, i could have written that post myself. I guess you just have to keep trying everyday. You don't have to be perfect everyday, just try & be better than you were yesterday. Starting tomorrow, i am going to put $1 in a jar for everyday that i don't have chocolate & do some exercise. Once the $'s add up i will treat myself to a massage, facial or whatever. Maybe try that. Set yourself a goal & reward yourself with non food items.

[missylou]

I cannot recommend Michelle Bridges 12wbt highly enough. It is a complete program of nutrition and exercise, but most importantly, so much support and good advice, both from Michelle via her twice weekly videos, and the forums. The first four weeks (pre-season) are all about getting your head in the right place and setting goals etc. Michelle knows everything you need to know about motivation and nutrition, and her system really does work. She sends you an eating plan, recipes and shopping list each week, along with exercise plans. The food is healthy, delicious and easy to prepare.

It costs $200 to join the program. and another will be starting soon. Go to www.12wbt.com.au for more details. Literally thousands of people are doing/have done the program and it is fantastic. You don't have to use a gym for her exercise program by the way - you can if you choose to, but she has a selection of exercise programs and you do what works for you.

Your feelings are not yours alone, I promise you. Lots of people have been exactly there and understand precisely what you have been saying. But it can change! I've done it.

I really do sympathise and understand how you feel. But you want to do something about it and that is the most important first step. You can do it! Best of luck.

[Triple treat]

Perfect timing!
We've just started a new 10 week challenge where we're going to support each other in our attempts to lose a little weight and follow a healthier lifestyle. Look in the diet and health section to find us.
There are lots of us who've been in your position and know how you feel. At the moment it must seem overwhelming. I think the key is to 'aim small' which is better in the long run. Perhaps your first goal should be to get under 100 kg, then have 5 kg goals. Reward each achievement with something for you: a manicure, even just some time away for yourself.
I have just finished the 1 Million Kilo Challenge and it's an absolute eye opener as to the quantities of vegetables you need to eat to lose weight! Next week weighitup.com.au starts an 8 week challenge with meal plans, recipes and exercises you can do at home.
Don't wait around for motivation to come as it may never arrive...just do it!
Hope to see you in our challenge thread soon!

[Supernova2012]

I agree with everything triple treat said and you are very welcome in the 10 week challenge. Everyone is doing their own thing, so you need to decide what exercise and healthy eating you will do to get things started, but you may get some ideas and support. Please feel free to join us!

[*lalah*]

Nothing has helped me like the Dalai Lamas books have. If you only hate your weight, then you can change that through diet and lifestyle. But if you hate YOURSELF, you need to go deeper.

Good luck!

[~Flick~]

Nothing has helped me like the Dalai Lamas books have. If you only hate your weight, then you can change that through diet and lifestyle. But if you hate YOURSELF, you need to go deeper.

Good luck!

Absolutely this. No program, eating plan, diet, exercise routine will ever change the feeling of hating yourself. That is something you have to work on on the inside. And until you work on the inside, you won't be able to change the outside.

[ninaswalk]

I recommend watching "Hungry For Change". If you google it it should come up. I know exactly where you are and after watching this had a real aha moment. It's not so much about losing weight (although it is an added side effect) but about being healthy in your body and mind. Good luck.

[Black Lion]

Hi Purpleppleater

I too am in that space- self disgust and like everything that was once nice/attractive or appealing about my body has gone, and with it any bit of self confidence I had.

I also have a similar story- I hurt my back, and relationship difficulties also contributed to my lack of motivation/depression. It is hard to start exercising again but you did it before and you can do it again, just start small (I've never been inside a gym - I'm terrified and ashamed to be around all those fit people).

At easter my SIL gave me a photo of myself from Xmas time- taken from behind and from across the room so the full body pic that I have avoided for years- I absolutely hated it! It was torn up and thrown in the bin as soon as I got home. That night I woke up to find that I was crying in my sleep- as much as I was able to distract myself during the day and while I was awake, the feelings came out in my sleep!

I stepped on the scales on Monday and realised I was 100.3kg. I absolutely hate that number and I hate myself that I let me get to this!

Since then, I have started a diet program, and have lost a few kg - I am starting to feel a bit more like the old me, and the fact that it is working has given me incentive to keep going.

The other thing I am doing it trying to take more care of 'me' as a whole- making sure I get up a bit earlier and taking time to do my hair and make up, wearing only the clothes I feel good in (even if I have to wash them and dry overnight)- adding some jewellery to my outfit so that I atleast 'feel' like I look a bit nicer.

In my actions, I am really trying to be positive and 'act' happy- hoping if I practice enough I'll start to feel it! Also reminding myself that am not really this person that I see in the mirror- there is more to me than that.

Starting small is the key- but you also need support. The 10 week challenge sounds good- I think I'll go join now myself.

You are not alone, and it is not impossible... it wont be easy to get back to the real you, but there are many of us in that space and we can do it!!

BL

[dogged]

Hi OP,

I could not agree more strongly with Flick's post.

Here's a thought for you: if a dear friend confessed to you that she felt like this, how would you react? Chances are you'd be caring and supportive. You would be so sad to think that you friend felt so bad. You might urge her to take care of herself, not to be so hard on herself. You'd give her a big hug.

You need to learn to be that friend for yourself. You need to learn to believe that you are worth taking care of. Until you get to that point, all the quick fixes and diets and exercise programmes in the world won't help - at least not permanently.

There are so many books that explore this way of thinking. One I have found useful is "If not dieting, then what?" by Dr Rick Kausman (who is based in Melb). It contains a quote from Kaz Cooke that I'll leave you with, in the hope that it will make you smile through the tears:

"You are not your buttocks".

Best wishes to you in your journey. Feel free to visit us in the Lots to Lose group too, if you wish.