[MaybeMumSoonish]

I've been thinking about asking this question of EBer's for a while. (It's a touchy issue, so please don't arc up too much.)

Background:

When i first joined EB, I was young(er), had a gorgeous partner, and looking forward to buying a house, having kids, making a life and a home, the whole she-bang.

Fast forward a few years and my partner suddenly blurts out that he doesn't want kids. Although I would have given up the notion of kids to be with him, if that's what he really wanted, the suddenness of his change of heart (no discussion, no warning) and several other issues that rapidly cropped up (also no discussion, no warning) eventually destroyed the relationship. And almost took me with it (I tried to do 'something silly' as my mum would say).

Now it's been a year (and 16 days. Not that I'm counting). I'm over my grief at the loss of him and the relationship. I've even dated a little bit.

But I'm really introverted and unlikely to meet anyone I would love and trust again (it was a bit of a fluke the first time around), enough to have kids with anyway. But I go gooey every time I see a baby, I dote on my brother's kids, and I'm really conscious of that ticking clock (30 next birthday!). I have a good job, no debt, a family who would help, but I also have no assets to speak of, no support beyond my immediate relatives, and while I'm not likely to do 'something silly' again, my depression is for life. (Runs in the family, I've been diagnosed since a teenager.)

So the big question is:


Should I get pregnant and have a kid? By myself? Willingly choose single-motherhood?

Or resign myself to being childless forever?

[cinnabubble]

I think your dichotomy is artificial.

Childfree and single at 30 =/= forever. You have time to wait and build your career and assets. You're still grieving (counting the days). It's not the right time to be making big decisions.

[flushthetoilet]

I think you're still too young to consider that you only have option a, or option b. Personally, I'd go with option c, and leave the decision for a couple more years. Concentrate on saving/building up your career so that if you do decide to go it alone, you have as much buffer as you can mange.

[*Lena*]

I would many mothers are single parents and do a great job why wouldn't you. I don't see why you should miss out. There is plenty of men out there that are happy to get in relationship with women with children if you find someone later in life.

[howdo]

You're 30. Hardly over the hill and hardly single forever, and hardly at the end of your childbearing years. Resignation to childlessness is a tad overdramatic.

[futureself]

Should I get pregnant and have a kid? By myself? Willingly choose single-motherhood?

Or resign myself to being childless forever?

I don't think you're at the stage as yet where these are your only options.
I think very much that you have plenty of time to grow, gain more strength and understanding with/of your depression and meet someone who will be a true partner to you. You are not even 30 yet, that is young and you have time. Plenty of time! I say this as someone who has had many discussions with someone close to me that at 38 she will go it alone and have a child as a single woman. She is 35, nearly 36 now with no boyfriend in sight. I am 100% supportive of this and understand completely why she doesn't want to forgo motherhood.

I am also concerned that you say that you are so introverted that you have 'no support' apart from immediate family - I think everyone needs friends, outlets and interests and am concerned that you want to fill all roles in your life with a baby/child. That's not ok, and not a healthy expectation of a child. They can't be your everything.

Go, seek friendships, explore hobbies, travel and be a 29 year old. Revisit this in another 8 years if you're in the same place.

[Moo point]

I understand the "going gooey" over babies but I've always been like that - and even then didn't know if I ever wanted kids.

Although I'm fairly outgoing, I had a lot of misses in the relationship stakes and didn't meet my DH until I was 33. We are expecting our first baby and I just turned 37.

My point is, as PPs have said, just because you're single and childless at 30 doesn't mean it is forever. The right man may be just around the corner, and unless you're aware of any pressing fertility problems (ie early menopause) then you still have time on your side. And it is good to have more of a financial buffer if you do decide to go it alone.

FWIW, my DH is a little introverted, and we met online - perhaps when you are over the grief and have a handle on your depression (as I think you may need some more time) you could look into this? It's a way to meet people on your own terms.

[duckasorus]

Is it a possibility to put some eggs aside for just in case and then wait a few years?


Is it a possibility to put some eggs aside for just in case and then wait a few years?

[ali27]

According to statistics, most women today are yet to have their first child at 30. So I think you are thinking about this decision quite a few years too prematurely.
Although I don't think it is necessarily a poor decision to have a child on your own, I think you need to put the idea on hold for a while longer.

[katniss]

It's a very personal decision. I personally couldn't have because my boys were challenging babies & I didn't have much family help.

My friend, however, became a mum 7 months ago through IVF as a single woman. She had dreamt of being a mum forever & her relationships just didn't work out & found herself facing being childless in her mid-30s. She lives next to her parents & has their 100% support - they even helped her with newborn night duty. Her baby girl is also very good & sleeps very well. Her parents are very well off so she has a lot of advantages on her side that not every mother does.

You are still young but I don't think it's wrong to start thinking about it. You do need to keep in mind that it can take time to get pregnant through IVF (as it can naturally too). Also my friend was on the waiting list for a couple of years because apparently donors can specify only couples. From memory it was a good 4 years before she actually conceived.

This post has been edited by BubbleWitch: 11/04/2012, 06:35 PM