[Summers]

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No. Because your speculation was hurtful to others and embarrasing to you.

Or at least it should have been. See how I assumed feelings about a situation I had no direct experience of. It's annoying, isn't it?

If you're referring to me, I certainly didn't 'assume feelings' on behalf of anyone else except my own to express what I suspected I might feel in the scenarios about having to choose between your partner or your children - a scenario that others had introduced well before me, and to which I was replying with my own opinion. An opinion I have a number of times acknowledged is not enriched by having children myself. Just as some others have replied to hypotheticals posed in this thread regarding situations they aren't personally familiar with either.
I'm genuinely sorry if you interpreted anything I've said to mean that that how *I* feel is how you or others should be feeling. You are entitled to your feelings about this just as I am to mine.

[MahnaMahna]

You can do what you want. But if the thread says "Do you like dark better than milk chocolate?" does it really add any value to reply "Why do we have to like one more than the other?"

My response was not just to the thread title but also to those that seemed to think there should be a definitive answer to that question. So I don't see why you would find it necessary to point out that my reply was, to you, of no value. By that reasoning I could go around marking thousands of posts on here as having no value because they are not a direct relation to the OPs question

BTW, milk chocolate.

[*My3Stars*]

I think it's a different thing to lose all of your children though. I think it would be worse to lose all of your children than your partner, but not necessarily worse to lose just one child than it would be to lose your partner, for some - though devastating, of course. (purely speculatively, of course.)

With no due respect Summer, life does not happen like you want it too sometimes. The dreams that you have when you are first married can seem wonderful and perfect and nothing hopefully should stop you reaching them but somtimes unimaginable things can happen that just break your heart.

"Experts say that parents typically never "get over" the loss of a child, but rather learn to adjust and to integrate the loss into their lives. Still, the death of a child remains one of the most stressful life events imaginable. One-fourth to one-third of parents who lose a child report that their marriage suffers strains that sometimes prove irreparable."
Source: Jane Brody. Jane Brody's Guide to the Great Beyond: A Practical Primer to Help You and Your Loved Ones Prepare Medically, legally, and Emotionally for the End of Life Random House. 2009. pg. 143.

Nearly seven years later my husband and I still are trying to cope. Our love for our children has remained the same and has never changed. But grief is a powerful emotion which can change the dynamic of a husband and wife relationship tremendously. Hopefully our love will find the way. But it has been sooooooo very hard...................

It does not matter whether you lose one or more children. They are all so, very, very, precious. And it hurts just the same. There is never any way to quantify a loss of a child or another human being for that matter.

[Summers]

I'm really sorry for your loss. I was referring to a previously posed reference to someone comparing imagining losing their 'children' as being more difficult than losing their DH. I was saying that this is a different scenario than the one posed earlier by someone else in which one child was lost.

In retrospect, I can see how this would be interpreted (by me not being clear) as suggesting that the pain of losing a child is more generally quantifiable relative to other matters and this is not what I intended to say.

I really do apologise. I lost my sister when I was younger, and that almost destroyed my parents and their marriage. The research you quoted i dont doubt for a second. The loss of a child is not something I intended to demean. I think this topic is too tricky to really 'speculate' about with the question of whether a person 'loves their spouse or child more', as people are explaining this within the context of if they lost their spouse or child. And that is very sensitive territory to some, if not to those who've replied that the idea of losing their spouse is harder than losing their child. Though they were referring to the hypothetical scenario put forward, it's not hypothetical for some and I'm sorry that my comments (directed at those hypothesising) offended you. I'm sorry that you have personal insight to such pain

(edited for clarity)

This post has been edited by Summers: 03/04/2012, 11:35 PM

[BetteBoop]

I believe he should be able to express how much he loves his wife, and if that statement is how he does it, then so be it.

Just as speculation from his comments, I would take it as his wife is his life partner. Through her, he has had children who he loves. With her he has created a life. He has planned his future with her. The exact life he has (and seems happy with), is not possible without her.

I get it. I understand his feelings. I admire his ability to put it out there.

Why is it admirable to tell a world full of nosy strangers all about the hierarchy of your affections? It's an intensely private subject to all involved. It's also irrelevant to whether his songs are any good or not.

Perhaps his kids may not find it admirable. Or his wife for that matter.

[bakesgirls]

Why is it admirable to tell a world full of nosy strangers all about the hierarchy of your affections? It's an intensely private subject to all involved. It's also irrelevant to whether his songs are any good or not.

Perhaps his kids may not find it admirable. Or his wife for that matter.

The discussion was about his feelings on the subject, not his wifes. His wife and children may not find it admirable but I think it's admirable that he can say something that he knows won't be popular, but he has the confidence to say it anyway. You think it's an intensely private subject. He obviously doesn't.

It is my opinion. You don't have to agree with it.

I get what he's saying- that his relationship with his wife comes first. That relationship has to be sustained while they have children at home and long after the children have left. That doesn't make his love for his children any less. My parents are the same, that's why I understand and respect it. I lived with it first hand.

This post has been edited by bakesgirls: 04/04/2012, 09:31 AM

[canuckmel]

Sometimes I love DH more.
Sometimes I love the kids more.

Depends who is annoying me least on the day you ask me.

Today it's the husband.

[AMPSyd]

My Mum once told me very clearly that she loved Dad more than is kids and Dad comes first.

It hurt - big time!!!!!!

[itsaboysworld]

I think the thread can surely be discussed without having to debate whose death would hurt the most.

Grief is individual and depends on all kinds of circumstances. It depends on the relationship dynamic, the circumstances of the death, the support prior during and after and all number of other things.

Loss should never be a competition. I cant imagine anything worse than losing a child. Plain and simple. When my husband was killed I was told by someone I knew who had lost a child, "just be grateful it was just your husband and not your child". It was heartless and thoughtless, but came from a place of her own pain. However she also hadnt experienced the heartbreak of losing the person you planned to share everything with for the rest of your life, the person you turn to when your children suffered so much from such a tragedy. Ive had to watch my children experience so much pain and serious MH issues since then and as a mum I feel like a failure because I can never give them their dad back. I feel like my whole life will forever be trying to make up for that and as I know I cant and as a mum its my job to make things better its quite distressing. Do I think thats worse than losing a child? No. But again, why the need to quantify?

And FTR - no one is replaceable. Children arent and neither are partners.

[lizzzard]

Some seem to believe that “love” is a uni-dimensional construct – I would argue that there are different components of love, which combine to create very different experiences that can be ‘equal’ but vary in many respects. For example, is the passionate flame of that initial ‘falling in love’ phase of a relationship ‘equal’ to the close, ‘know-each-other-inside-out’ companionship you feel after many, many years together? I would argue they could represent equal amounts of ‘love’, but the ratio of components is different (passion vs companionship vs commitment), so they feel different. Similarly, the love I feel for my child doesn’t have a ‘sexual passion’ component which I do have for my husband…but there is an unconditional, biological element to my love for my kids which doesn’t exist with my husband.

Therefore, I don’t think it’s a cop-out to say the love for my kids vs my husband is the same, but different…I think it’s an accurate reflection of the complexity of “love”

This post has been edited by lizzzard: 04/04/2012, 10:18 AM