[Summers]

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Some seem to believe that “love” is a uni-dimensional construct – I would argue that there are different components of love, which combine to create very different experiences that can be ‘equal’ but vary in many respects. For example, is the passionate flame of that initial ‘falling in love’ phase of a relationship ‘equal’ to the close, ‘know-each-other-inside-out’ companionship you feel after many, many years together? I would argue they represent equal amounts of ‘love’, but the ratio of components is different (passion vs companionship vs commitment), so they feel different. Similarly, the love I feel for my child doesn’t have a ‘sexual passion’ component which I do have for my husband…but instead, there is an unconditional, biological element to my love for my kids which doesn’t exist with my husband.

Therefore, I don’t think it’s a cop-out to say the love for my kids vs my husband is the same, but different…I think it’s an accurate reflection of the complexity of “love”

I agree with this. Beautifully put

[mccarro]

Some seem to believe that “love” is a uni-dimensional construct – I would argue that there are different components of love, which combine to create very different experiences that can be ‘equal’ but vary in many respects. For example, is the passionate flame of that initial ‘falling in love’ phase of a relationship ‘equal’ to the close, ‘know-each-other-inside-out’ companionship you feel after many, many years together? I would argue they could represent equal amounts of ‘love’, but the ratio of components is different (passion vs companionship vs commitment), so they feel different. Similarly, the love I feel for my child doesn’t have a ‘sexual passion’ component which I do have for my husband…but there is an unconditional, biological element to my love for my kids which doesn’t exist with my husband.

Therefore, I don’t think it’s a cop-out to say the love for my kids vs my husband is the same, but different…I think it’s an accurate reflection of the complexity of “love”

I agree. Beautifully put.

It is important to me that my relationship with my husband doesn't get neglected, even if that means putting it first at times to make sure it is nurtured. But just because making sure that our relationship stays strong is a priority doesn't automatically mean we are neglecting our child or that we love him any less. It's not an either/or situation. We have have enough love to go around.

This post has been edited by mccarro: 04/04/2012, 11:00 AM

[Sassy Girl]

I will always love my children more.

Husbands may come and go but children are forever

[CallMeProtart]

I think I could probably live my whole life without loving a child, but probably couldn't cope without ever having a romantic love with someone else...

That's a good point. Same here.

I discovered the answer to who I would rescue first in a disaster when we had a mini tornado rip our house apart while we were in it. My entire focus was on the kids and with keeping them safe and it wasn't until it was all over I was even aware of where my DH was or what he was doing. It honestly didn't even cross my mind, and I felt guilty about that until he said the same thing. As much as I love DH, the kids are my priority. We've discussed it though and he's ok with that.

Wow - not very often someone actually has it tested!
It's interesting, when people say they'd take a bullet for their kids/partner - I would take it for my kids, and I'd take it for my partner but only because he could look after my kids! If it somehow came down to him NOT taking care of them... I would no longer take his bullet because I'd need to be around for my kids instead.

What a stupid thing to say in public.

Good point actually. As much as I agree with him, I don't think it's something his kids needed to hear.
Then again, I think it maybe is something Nicole needed to hear after her Tom Douchebag experience!

BTW, milk chocolate.

Ah... see I like both - just differently

Sometimes I love DH more.
Sometimes I love the kids more.

Depends who is annoying me least on the day you ask me.

Huh... yeah good point.

For example, is the passionate flame of that initial ‘falling in love’ phase of a relationship ‘equal’ to the close, ‘know-each-other-inside-out’ companionship you feel after many, many years together? I would argue they could represent equal amounts of ‘love’, but the ratio of components is different (passion vs companionship vs commitment), so they feel different. Similarly, the love I feel for my child doesn’t have a ‘sexual passion’ component which I do have for my husband…but there is an unconditional, biological element to my love for my kids which doesn’t exist with my husband.

There's some interesting research on this, and actually THREE separate brain pathways that can be involved - one for sexual attraction, one for romantic passion, one for attachment. The research I read was in the context of romantic relationships, but I'd actually be interested to know how much of love for children actually falls into the middle pathway as well as the last. And intensity in each pathway is actually influenced by some interesting things too - such as threat of separation, uncertainty, etc. Anyway just random thoughts.

[countrymel]

I don't have children so I can't comment personally.

I do know though that my Mum loved her children more than her husband.
And that my Dad loved Mum more than he loves us.

It didn't mean my Mother didn't love Dad and it doesn't mean that Dad doesn't love us... but I know that my Mother would have coped OK if it had been my Dad who had gone first, she would still have had her children, her grandchildren, her friends..

My Father on the other hand was and is utterly, utterly lost without the woman he loved.. his children and his grandchildren are nice but truly we are like a tiny bandaid on a giant chasm of grief.

[soontobegran]

He has not been married even six years. If this brave passes the ten year mark of his marriage he may enter my tent to speak of the conflicts of love of spouse and children, but until then I consider him only a hollow booming log.

Sorry, not even remotely funny talking about someone you don't know who was quite possibly put on the spot with this really stupid question.


The best gift parents can give their children is a loving relationship between them. KU said his children are his life......this is quite different to the love he will feel for his wife.
The love is different, it is totally unfair to be expected to rank your love from least to most!

FWIW---MD you are welcome to enter my tent when you've passed the 35 year mark!
I still couldn't give you a 'who do I love more' answer. Each of my children and my husband are loved differently BUT completely.

This post has been edited by soontobegran: 04/04/2012, 11:40 AM

[eleishas]

The kids, regardless of how many years I'd been married.

[MilkyWhite]

You know how eskimos apparently have 53 different words for "snow"? (or something like that). It would be interesting if the english language had a number of different words for "love". Then we wouldn't be having this debate. Because love isn't one thing, it is many different things. Comparing love for my husband with love for my kids is like saying "which body organ do you like best, your kidneys or your liver?". Exactly, it is a stupid question and it doesn't make much sense.

Plus my capacity to love is endless. I love them all heaps and i have plenty of love left to give them more every day and still plenty of love left to hand some around to my friends and parents and inlaws and randoms in the street. I'm pretty awesome like that.

[katieface84]

My best friend and I had this talk not so long ago. Both of us said our children. We just both feel so fiercely protective of them, its really a primal feeling, as a PP stated.

We both brought it up with our husbands who said without hesitation they put us first and foremost.

As PPs stated it is obviously a different kind of love, although I think I would eventually recover if I lost DH, I wouldnt if I lost DS

[maeby]

I'm with Keith Urban on this topic.

I have chosen to spend my life with my husband. We also made the conscious decision to have children, but I didn't "choose" them (the tiny adorable individuals that they are, and who I love dearly) in the same way that I chose my husband. I also don't feel like they don't belong to me in the same way that I "own" my husband, and he "owns" me.