[liveworkplay]

OP, its ok not to be coping and it sounds like you have a good support netwoek around you. Go easy on yourself. Good Luck.

[thanial]

I don't often post but I had to reply as 5 years ago that is how I felt too with my daughter. Just wanted you to know that your feelings are so common. I recognised my baby was beautiful and I took care of her needs but she just didn't feel like mine. I felt like the worst mum in the world and was scared to tell people how I felt in case they agreed with me! I was esp reluctant to share with my hubby because he just seemed so in love with my daughter from day 1.What would he think of me?!

I was not diagnosed with PND, came out boarderline on all the questionnaires - but I tell you those first few weeks were the worst. Great advice to go and talk to someone - help is at hand. PND or not - know that what you are experiencing is common and there is no need for you to suffer alone. Lean on your partner now when you need him - that's what he's there for!


In hindsight I wish I had been kinder to myself. The physical having of a baby and learning to feed it and missing out on sleep is a seriously big deal.

You are amazing. Don't think you're not a good mum - good mums have these feelings, you are just human and have been through something big. You won't always feel this way and the love will come. Connect with people who will make you feel better, don't be so hard on yourself. All the best to you.

PS - my baby was a 'dream baby' too...very text book! But I can't say it was easy!!

[black bird]

Hi Op,

I could have written word for word what you are experiencing when my son was first born. I had a difficult birth and it took many weeks to recover. I remember looking at this tiny baby and thinking what have I done. I had no idea how to look after this beautiful boy and felt like a complete failure. I so desperately wanted him and then reality hit.

The first fews months are incredibly hard. Like your delightful little boy my baby was also a dream baby. People would stop me in the street to tell me how gorgeous he was. I would stand there smile upon my face feeling nothing but fear and dread. It was awful and very sad. I just wanted to grab my bag and head for the nearest airport. One way ticket to some place far away.

I had a terrible time breast feeding and in the end gave up. This compounded my feeling of being a terrible mother.

To get myself back on track I went to my GP and regularly saw a psychologist. I also started back at the gym. Four to five days a week I pushed the pram up the hill to the gym. Placed baby in creche worked out. This saved me !!!!!!! It gave me one hour a day to be by myself. It was a great release.

Fast forward to 16 months and I love my little boy more then anything in the world. He is wonderful. We have a great relationship.

You sound like an amazing mum. Please be kind to yourself. As you know this time will pass.

You can always Pm me if you need to talk.

Hang in there. Big hug.

[Feefifofum]

OP, try not to think that you 'failed' at breastfeeding. It is the hardest thing in the world for some of us to establish breastfeeding, and plenty of times it just doesn't work. And this can be just the luck of the draw. In my mothers' group, about 1/3 are formula feeding because breastfeeding wasn't an option/didn't work, 1/3 found establishing feeding extremely traumatic, and only a few had a relatively straightforward time of it. So please don't think this is your fault, or that you are failing your baby in some way.
I had lots of issues bonding with my bub (still do), but because my friends warned me that they'd had similar experiences I haven't been so deeply worried about that. Just trying to have faith that it'll come, as everyone says.
My bub was also in special care and I think this can really impact that immediate bonding time. It's like you're there to assist in looking after them, but it's not the same as being their whole world. I don't know what your birth story was, but I felt in shock at my bub's early arrival and was kind of bewildered by my situation. I really think that the nursery experience can be another factor in making bonding difficult.
But by all accounts your experience is not abnormal, so try to accept your own journey and have faith in a more positive future.