[misskrm]

Hi everyone, I need help!

This has taken me alot, especially to get to this point. I feel like I am on my last legs as a mummy. He's broken me, and I don't know what to do.

DS1 is 5 and just started school. A sweet kid with a smile to light up the room. He's affectionate and smart...but lately, his behaviour has been out of control. He's rude, cheeky, defiant, aggressive and just plain horrible. He throws tantrums that would make a 2 year old cringe. He kicks out, looks to try and hurt himself. He's mean to his brother, mean to me and my DP and his Dad. He is never still, he has sooo much energy. I have tried EVERYTHING. Smacking, time outs, taking toys off him, stopping him from doing things he wants. Nothing works. I let him run around in the yard to try and burn energy off, I do fun things with him. I try so hard, different calm approaches, talking quietly to him. Nothing works. I have him on a preservative/additive free diet. These tantrums and his acting out is EVERY SINGLE DAY. The 5 days he is with his dad a fortnight, are so peaceful for me.

This morning, getting him and his brother off to school and daycare, was a nightmare. He wouldn't do what I asked, after 10 times..I lost it. I am so ashamed. I ended up in heap on the floor crying my eyes out. In the end, he quietly went and did what I asked, and waited by the door. (how hard was it really?) I know FYOS is a hard adjustment for kids, so give him a little leeway, but I am not his punching bag. I worry that his little brother is going to think that it is acceptable and be exactly the same.

This is so hard for me to admit, but it's getting to the point of me not wanting him to be here with me. I know this is horrible, and I would never ask his Dad to have him fulltime, but the thought is there, you know? I feel like I am failing him, and that I am the worst mum in the world. I have anxiety issues myself, and stressing about his behaviour doesn't help them. I have tears streaming down my face as I write this.

At school he is really good, his teachers (old daycare teachers too) love having him. I assume if there were any behavioural issues, then he would be acting out there too.

What can I do? I love him so much, and I just want my sweet little boy back.

Thanks for reading, I am sorry if it is all over the place, I just need to get it out.

[bark]

Oh you sound so down :-(

Well one positive like you said is that he does NOT behave like this at school.

Have you spoken to yr GP about this? I think that would be a good starting point.

[Mrscoolcoolpants]

OP I am sorry you are going through this. My DD is 5 and has been acting out as well but not to the extent of your little one so I cannot offer any real advice other than perhaps taking him to see your GP and see if you can get some advice there or perhaps a referral to a paediatrician or occupational therapist who can offer further advice or at the very least maybe they might 'scare' him into realising his behaviour is not acceptable IYGWIM, as I remember when I was younger my mum took one of my brothers to the our local GP who gave him a good talking to

Good luck and you are not a bad mum as we all have our good days and our bad ones and I hoping this stage passes quickly for you.

[Ianthe]

It does sound as though you are trying everything you can think of. I see it as a postive that he is fine at school. But the FYOS is huge for kids. They have to take so much in. And I think for a child that has a lot of energy if they are reining that in all day then at some stage it has to come out and it sounds as though in your case that happens at home.

Are you positive when he is doing the right thing? You said you talked to him but there was a lot of punitive consequences you mentioned. I get the impression that was you doing that as a last resort but for some kids that just doesn't work. They just switch off to any kind of punishment.

What does he love to do? You said he is never still but does he enjoy Lego or something like that? When my eldest (who was a really difficult kid) was that age we had a "calm down corner". He had a beanbag and a few toys and books in there and generally he would be happy to go and sit there for a while. And this was a kid who NEVER stayed in time out. But the novelty value worked in that situation for a while. And it just became a way for him to go before he got out of control and have a break from everything (and give me and his brothers a break!) He never saw it as a punishment but as a place to go to feel happier.

The only other thing I got from your post is to wonder how thing's are at his Dad's. Are there any changes there? Does he parent very differently to you? I was thinking if something is going on there that maybe he is struggling to deal with it and taking it out on you.

And I think you need one of these

[misskrm]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I need that hug. I have tears again. hehe.

Woofer & MrsCK, I haven't spoken to the GP yet, but that is my next step. We already have a great Paed that has seen him for sickness in the past.

lanthe, I try really hard to give positive reinforcement too, I always thank him when he does the right thing. I always go and talk to him when I have calmed down and I always give him a hug afterwards. His Dad is wonderful, and we are on the same page. He is very supportive and I can always call him if I am getting stressed. He is following the same approach at his house, but Talan is nowhere near as bad for his dad. I guess my ExH is scarier than me. I don't know. Our separation has been quite amicable, with little interruption to the kids. He has had 2 years to get used to it.
He loves Lego, but he will sit with me for about 10 mins.

I really do feel broken. Parenting is so amazing, but can be heartbreaking and so unbelievably lonely and hard too.

Edited for double post.

This post has been edited by misskrm: 12/03/2012, 11:20 AM

[GreenEggJimmyJam...]

I don't have any advice but wanted to say you sound like you are doing an amazing job and you need one of these

[EBeditor]

We've had a very rough transition to school in terms of at-home behaviour too OP.

How much sleep is your son getting? We've had to start the bedtime process earlier and put DS to bed before his younger sister because school is so exhausting.

I shall be watching this thread with interest!

[catty81]

I feel so sad for you. I don't have much advice to offer but felt like letting you know you are not alone. When my DS was five and just started school he behaved similarly. I remember one day I was driving and he was punching and kicking me. I used to be a wreck and in tears a lot as nothing worked.

Could there be something happening at school to upset him? Maybe an older kid is being mean? Kids often internalise those sorts of problems. Or maybe something has changed at his Dad's house?

Keep your chin up, you are doing the best you can. My DS is now 10 and a lovely, polite and caring boy so I can tell you from experience it does get better.

[misskrm]

14392295[/url]']
I don't have any advice but wanted to say you sound like you are doing an amazing job and you need one of these

Thank you, I do.

14392297[/url]']
We've had a very rough transition to school in terms of at-home behaviour to OP.

How much sleep is your son getting? We've had to start the bedtime process earlier and put DS to bed before his younger sister because school is so exhausting.

I shall be watching this thread with interest!

He usually is in bed by 8, story then straight to sleep. Bed is one thing he doesn't fight me on.

14392304[/url]']
I feel so sad for you. I don't have much advice to offer but felt like letting you know you are not alone. When my DS was five and just started school he behaved similarly. I remember one day I was driving and he was punching and kicking me. I used to be a wreck and in tears a lot as nothing worked.

Could there be something happening at school to upset him? Maybe an older kid is being mean? Kids often internalise those sorts of problems. Or maybe something has changed at his Dad's house?

Keep your chin up, you are doing the best you can. My DS is now 10 and a lovely, polite and caring boy so I can tell you from experience it does get better.

That's a relief. I feel like I am in tears constantly. We talk about school, and he knows he can tell me everything. I don't think he's having problems, his teacher has never said anything either. Thanks though, that is something to consider. His dad and I are pretty much on the same page, so I'm sure all is fine over there. I know he misses his dad, but heis allowed to call him as much as he wants, and my ex will call too.

[EBeditor]

We tried to have DS in bed by 7, with some time for stories then lights out at 7.30 at the latest - he is up at 6-6.30 so seems to need that early bedtime.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, it sounds like yo are doing everything you can at the moment.