[AmityD]

Once upon a time, there was no internet for mothers to whinge on. I know, perish the thought. No Twitter for us to create a hash tag out of a particularly bad day, no Facebook for us to make status updates on how sleep deprived we are, no parenting sites like Essential Baby where we can share/whinge about every tough moment of parenting and certainly no ‘Mummy blogs’ where women can make careers out of detailing how crappy motherhood can be.

I’m guessing in those days when mothers were having a bad day they must have whinged to their friends, or their husbands, or taken a lot of valium, or drunk a lot of wine, or…maybe…they just got on with it. Maybe they didn’t whinge much at all?

This thought occurred to me when I was having a particularly bad mummy day recently. We were on our third day of gastro, which had involved my son spewing red slushy all over his room, my daughter spewing all over me at a friends BBQ and my husband being on death’s door (read: slightly unwell) with his own bout. It wasn’t a fun week. But one of the things that kept me sane throughout it was thinking of the funny tweets or FB updates I would write about what went wrong next. How I would get a good story, or tweet, or blog post out of something that was a frustrating, but relatable, occurrence for all parents.
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That vehicle of making light of something crappy (literally) somehow made my annoying week better. It provided me with an outlet, where I could use my experiences to give other mums a laugh and feel better in the process.

To me, that is everything that’s good about social media and the rise of ‘Mummy bloggers’. These sites can get us through the pain of infertility, miscarriage, pregnancy nerves, pregnancy joy, childbirth fear, post natal depression, new baby worries, toddler tantrums, sick kids and our family driving us mad. At their best the sites, blogs and people who share on them provide us with comfort, guidance, humour, information and friendship.

They also provide us mums with a fantastic platform for sharing our frustrations when things are tough, as they frequently are when you have small children. Saying that you’re having a crappy day and having hordes of other mums chime in with a chorus of support is validating for everyone. It makes us feel like we’re not alone, that we’re not the only ones who don’t do it perfectly. Unlike mums in the 1950’s we no longer have to hide our frustrations, whip up a cake, put on some lipstick and a cheerful facade before our husbands get home. We can give the kids some cheesy mac, pour a wine, write a blog post, or get on Facebook and spout about all the things that are going wrong.

Which is definitely a good thing. Especially the wine part. But lately I have been wondering whether, in our celebration of sharing everything that’s hard about motherhood, we are becoming a bunch of whingers who overlook everything that’s wonderful.

Every writer, blogger or comedian will tell you that the good copy, the most commented story and the biggest laughs are in the things that go wrong. Some of my favourite posts I’ve written for EB over the years have been about celebrating motherhood and what I love about it, yet these have been nowhere near as successful and commented on as the ones about something that was hard or controversial.

The moments where I love my children so much it aches, the funny lines they say, the pride I feel when they achieve something, the things that come easily, the weeks that go right, the golden days where you don’t know how you got so blessed, the kisses, the giggles, the absolute fulfilling contentment, well who wants to hear about that?

Things going smoothly, life being predictable and people being content makes for boring entertainment, everyone knows that. So as we turn our parenting experiences into entertainment, we seem to be in a rush to out bad each other. Everybody’s bored, needs a drink, can’t cook, hates the playground, doesn’t like playing with their kids and would kill for a day off.

I doubt there is a parent alive who hasn’t felt at least one of those things at some stage, so we find comfort in reading about someone else’s shortcomings. But I do question if, in our effort to talk openly about how hard parenting can be, we are actually making it harder. Instead of just getting on with things and accepting that sometimes parenting is a messy, exhausting slog, we are dwelling on the slog so much that it feels like exactly that.

It has become acceptable to say we hate pushing the swing, so we don’t feel bad about refusing to push the swing. We joke about needing a 5pm wine to make it to bedtime, so it becomes a necessary part of the day. We talk about motherhood being boring, so find ourselves getting bored.

But in the process of lifting the veil on all the things that are, legitimately, hard work are we selling motherhood short? Not just to ourselves, but to those who are yet to embark on this amazing experience, who could be forgiven for thinking there wasn’t much going for it at all.

I don’t want to go back to the old days of putting on a façade. I don’t want to stop talking about the challenges and say that motherhood is always easy, because it’s not. But I do want to say it’s amazing and wonderful and funny and aren’t we lucky to have the privilege of experiencing it. Perhaps not in every post, update or tweet, but a little more. Sure, it won’t get as many hits, but there just may be mum reading it home and having a crappy day that looks at her kids and thinks, you know what, she’s right.

Do you find yourself sharing more of the good than the bad in your online posts and comments? What do you love about the blogs or online forums you visit? Feel free to give your favourite blogs (or your own) a plug, so we can all discover some new ones!

[greenthumbs]

(I feel like I'll get 'flamed' for agreeing with you).

I think that having been mainly bombarded with how hard and horrible being a parent would be, I've fortunately found it much more wonderful than I expected so there can be positives from all the negative talk.

Admittedly my little man is only 6 months old, but I feel I have to preface all good things that happen with a 'this is rare' or 'he's usually not this good' or similar to downplay how happy I feel, how much I might enjoy being his mum or how lucky I feel. I find myself holding back from talking about the wonderful things as I feel others will just roll their eyes.

I don't really read any blogs regularly so will be interested to have a look at some positive ones.

[Madnesscraves]

(I feel like I'll get 'flamed' for agreeing with you).

I think that having been mainly bombarded with how hard and horrible being a parent would be, I've fortunately found it much more wonderful than I expected so there can be positives from all the negative talk.

Admittedly my little man is only 6 months old, but I feel I have to preface all good things that happen with a 'this is rare' or 'he's usually not this good' or similar to downplay how happy I feel, how much I might enjoy being his mum or how lucky I feel. I find myself holding back from talking about the wonderful things as I feel others will just roll their eyes.

I don't really read any blogs regularly so will be interested to have a look at some positive ones.

I am with you. I'm having a wonderful time with my DD and she's just so well behaved 99% of the time! She has her bad days like everyone else, but they are so minor compared to other days. When I'm at mums group I do feel like I need to downplay how great she is because everyone else is having a horrible time. Once I said she was going great and an angel, working well with a routine at 3 months I got lots of eye rolls and death stares.

Can't help it if I just lucked out and got an easy baby. So I just shut up and don't really go into how awesome she is. I just feel sad and sorry for those mums who have nothing positive to say about thier children.

[F1widow]

I think there was a reason why Greek tragedies were so popular. And Shakespeare's comedies are all farce.

BTW, I generally spell sane with s a n e unless you really did mean the Welsh word for sound?

[EBeditor]

All fixed superluminous

[pratique]

I really don't write anything about DS on facebook. Most of my friends are childless and don't think they particularly care about the in's and out's of my day.

Having said that - I do enjoy positive comments about others kiddies.

[OneMore?]

I totally get what you are saying and I agree. I am fairly new to blog land and the reason I started my blog was we moved to a developing county last year and it was to share our adventures with friends and family back in Aust (and everywhere else).

I love keeping it real and hope someone has a giggle at my expense (you know when you find year 2 homework is too hard). With 3 kids 3, 5 and 7 there are ALWAYS going to be hairy days, it's not about being positive as the PP's have mentioned. It's about turning the nightmare days into something funny. I also love to have a little brag too, when warranted. But seriously, blogs about how perfect and wonderful their little darlings are (especially if they are over age 4)....not overly interesting.

Also I love sharing the many weird and wonderful things we see over here, some make us laugh out loud - even my husband comments - you should blog about that, ha ha. I also love it when people tell me I love your blog.

For those that are interested - it is here...

This post has been edited by OneMore?: 29/02/2012, 11:23 AM

[Boyz_Mama]

Social Media has definitely changed the way some people view mothering. I'm a blogger and also love reading blogs, but choose carefully which ones I read and support.

I look for blogs that are encouraging & inspiring, but at the same time are REAL. It is easy to be 'fake' and only show the magazine-cover type of mothering, or the worst-case-scenario side, so I look for blogs that have a balance. We're all human and experience high's and lows. That happens in all jobs and everyday of our life, so its only natural to be apart of parenting as well. I hope my readers are able to find encouragement in everyday living, and leave my blog feeling positive, whether its because they've experienced a similarly hard day, because they've been challenged to think about their situation,encouraged because they can see their own achievements & blessings or because they've had a giggle at what i've been through.

Hayley - www.happyhousewifey.com

[Dorothy_K]

I do agree that the "Tales of Woe" get the most comments. It is not that we celebrate the bad, it is that we want to support each other when motherhood gets really, really crappy.

Personally, I avoid "Happy, happy, joy, joy" blogs because they're boring. They don't inspire me to seek happiness, unless they acknowledge the bad and provide practical solutions and advice on how to enjoy motherhood more.

I enjoy blogs that show that there is more to a woman than mothering. I enjoy blogs that talk about all aspects of mothering. I enjoy blogs that are funny, wise and thought provoking.

[lifehacker]

I can't stand blogs that are full of nothing but "oh how happy and wonderful my life is", so many blogs are all pretty pictures and not a lot of substance. I like to be inspired and I like to relate.