[Mrs Flanders]

What would you do in this situation?

My very close friend split with her husband 5 years ago. The split was fairly amicable but I think she will always be heartbroken that it didn't work out. They were perfect for each other in many ways, but fairly volatile at the same time. They didn't have children together and didn't have plans to. He was never committed to the idea at all.

After the split, he moved overseas. She travelled, studied and just got on with life but hasn't had a partner since. They are not in contact since he kept messing with her head, emailing saying he was worried they hadn't done the right thing divorcing. She told him not to contact her any more.

She is now approaching 40 and has said if she finds the right man she might like to have a baby, but she thinks she'll be ok if that doesn't happen.

Meanwhile, her XH has been living a fairly debaucherous life OS. He is in email contact with my husband so we know what he's up to. This week my husband received an email from the XH saying that he is settling down with a girl in Thailand and they are having a baby together.

I think my friend will be upset - I think anyone would be in that situation. But my DH and I can't work out whether we should tell her or not. It's possible the XH will tell her out of some sort of sick guilt, but it's possible he won't. It's also possible she will find out herself one day - they don't have any other mutual friends that I am aware of, but you never know - and if that happens, she'll know that we knew about it. She sometimes asks if we've heard from him so I couldn't bear to lie to her.

Should I tell her? WWYD?

[libbylu]

Yes, I would tell her. Quietly and on your own, one on one. It's always better to find out like this than that she finds out at a more vulnerable time and place. Then she has you to give a hug and chat about it if she feels like it, or not.

[kateandmarley]

i would tell her.

[Mrs.Brown]

I dont think it is anyones business but the XH's. They havnt been together for a long time now, 5 years, and they are now separate people. Had they had children together, it would be different, but their relationship is over. He has moved on.

I think my friend will be upset

Why? Why should she be upset. it wasnt yesterday they divorced it was 5 years ago. If she was to be upset, then I dont think she is totally over him, and perhaps will need some therapy to get her back on her feet so that she doesnt become upset by her XH's life decisions.

It isnt even the business of his XW TBH. The same would go for her, if she was to have a baby. No ones business but hers.

I would stay out of it OP.

This post has been edited by WhylieCoyote: 21/02/2012, 11:17 PM

[bakesgirls]

Personally I wouldn't. They are divorced. She told him not to contact her at all (regardless of the reason). He has moved on with his life. She should too. It's his business. If he wants her to know then he will tell her. He is still entitled to his privacy.
Perhaps your husband could email him back suggesting that he tells his ex about it, if its such a concern.

[RillyBilly]

I agree with WC. Why does she need to be told? They're divorced, each has moved on, they have no children together, so it's quite simply none of her business. Keep well out of it, op - if the ex decides to tell her and she needs a shoulder, be there for her, but otherwise, no.

She sometimes asks if we've heard from him so I couldn't bear to lie to her.

Why does she want to know? Surely if she wanted no further contact with him, she doesn't need to know if you hear from him or not?

This post has been edited by RillyBilly: 21/02/2012, 11:35 PM

[Sunnycat]

I'm with WC on this one.

[SpunkBucket]

I can see why you would want to tell her but in reality it isn't her business anymore. Yes, she may find out from her ex or someone else eventually but they have been divorced for 5 years now and they both have different lives.

[poppy3]

If I found out - then found out my friend knew and didn't tell mw, I would be upset.

You either have to tell her or pretend you never knew if it ever came up IMO.

Or you could ask her if she would want to know news about XH and see what she says.

Hard situation for you - hope it all goes well.

[YodaTheWrinkledO...]

In normal circumstance, I would definitely agree with WC and other PPs. None of her business and it's not your job to tell her.

BUT

She sometimes asks if we've heard from him so I couldn't bear to lie to her.

If you already tell her what's he's been up to and generally keep her up to date with his life, then I think you do tell her. If you've already set a precedent of disclosing information about him, then you've kinda made a rod for your own back.

However, if you basically don't ever tell her stuff about her ex, even when she asks, then I wouldn't start now. If/When she does find out, just say it wasn't your news to tell and since they are divorced and leading seperate lives, you didn't think it was appropriate to gossip about her ex, just as you don't gossip about her to her ex.

This post has been edited by YodaTheWrinkledOne: 22/02/2012, 12:08 AM