[ChickenRose]

I'm expecting #1 in a couple of months, and I've noticed an ongoing theme on EB where posters seem disillusioned and disappointed in the amount of help they get from their partner. I'm hoping to nip this in the bud (if possible) by setting up some clear expectations with my partner, and would be really interested to hear what has worked well for others!

At the moment I do most of the housework as I've been home for the last few months with only a bit of casual work. DP helps out on the weekends if I give him tasks, but otherwise I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, finances etc. That's changing this semester as I'm starting some full time study, and DP knows that his housework free existence is ending .

DP works full time (leaves home a bit after 8 and is back again by 6, no overtime or working from home) and is doing 1 subject this semester. He gets one half day off a fortnight for study leave, and really only needs 2-3 hours a week for his studies. Our workloads will be the same once the baby arrives, although I can cut back a bit in second semester if need be.

I'd like to take advantage of the next 2 months to kind of train him up in what our new routine will be. I know it sounds a bit horrible saying it like that, given he's an adult and not a labrador, but he's not naturally tidy or inclined to do housework so it's really the reality. Having not had a baby before though, I don't really know what assistance I'm going to find most helpful, so would love to hear suggestions from others!

[katniss]

You can't really beat a roster system. It then gives everyone an idea what needs to be done and when and then one person isn't left doing the majority of work.

[Saecularis Angel...]

I don't know whether your DP cooks, but one thing I was really grateful I did was to stock the freezer with lots of pre-prepared meals before DD was born. That way she was something like six weeks old before I had to cook dinner (DH also had a lot of annual leave).

I'd suggest your get your DP cooking, and get your freezer stocked. I think it's also a good thing for them to be used to doing, because if you breastfeed, in the early days you may well find getting some time clear in the evening to cook is quite a challenge.

[SummerStar]

When each of my kids have been born my hubby has taken over everything. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, organising other kids, etc (he's actually a better housewife than I am, he would have washing out by 8am where as I always took until 10am to get moving with that!)
Then as I got more settled with the baby and healed from the birth I would gradually take over until it was all back to normal (although even when back to normal he is pretty good and does a good share of duties anyway)
I think if your partner is on leave after baby is born then they have the time to help out alot more (my hubby was just happy not to be at work so he didn't mind how much he had to do at home it was still a break for him!)

[peking homunculu...]

You need to sit down with DH and work out how you are going to run the house. I think you are well within your rights to expect him to do everything in the first couple of weeks. And then after that, you need to have things that are his jobs and things that are your jobs.

DH washes up, does the vacuuming and dusting and bathrooms
I cook, shop and do laundry
We both clean up child related crap at the end of each day.

We chose those jobs because they play to our strengths. I HATE cleaning and love food shopping/cleaning. He finds cooking stressful and dislikes laundry but doesn't mind cleaning.

[new~mum~reenie]

DH is wonderful at a number of things, like cooking and being really supportive. He will be DS1's main carer for that first couple of weeks when Baby2 comes and I have no qualms about that.

Not good at: cleaning.... That is, after the cooking, doing laundry etc. Just not his thing. And I sure as heck won't be doing much!

No doubt MIL will pitch in

This post has been edited by new~mum~reenie: 19/02/2012, 09:35 PM

[Paddlepop]

Good to see that you are planning ahead! My DH has always done all of our cooking and we have always grocery shopped together, and he does cleaning around the house like vacuuming so I didn't have to "train" him much.

Depending on how the birth goes you might not be able to drive for a few weeks (C-section) or push a shopping trolley (abdominal muscle separation or bad perineal tearing). I would be teaching your DP how to grocery shop so that if you are tired/in pain/unable to/don't want to he can go and get the groceries and will actually buy the right things. Also, perhaps he could start to cook a few nights a week so that he can confidently cook once the baby arrives and you are too tired to cook or too busy breastfeeding.

Since our DD was born my DH has done all of our folding and putting away, and I do our daughter's. I was too sore and tired to do it all. Her stuff was small and fiddly and he didn't want to fold it, and we've continued this way. I do all of the washing and drying of the clothes.

For regular bills, try setting up direct debits so that no bills are forgotten about.

If you bottle feed he could take one of the overnight feeds so that you can get some decent sleep. My DH did the 2am feed and I would do the 5am feed. That way we both got 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep each. Great sanity saver.

Get him to do his fair share of nappy changes.

My DH has always done our DD's baths, and still does at 2 years old. Initially it was because I had a lot of back pain after giving birth and couldn't hold her and bend over the baby bath. Now, I enjoy the break from her while she is being bathed, and they love their time together. Great way for dad and baby to bond.

If your partner responds well to lists perhaps you can create a roster of housework and responsibilities. Be prepared to change it once the reality of parenthood kicks in.

If anyone ever says anything like "You're so lucky that he helps you look after the baby" or something similiar please remind them that you BOTH wanted to have a baby, not just you. Drives me nuts when anyone says this sort of garbage. It's not just the woman who should look after the baby. For us, we both wanted a baby and we both look after her.

Best of luck with your partner, and the birth of your baby. Take lots of photos and videos when they are tiny because they are so great to look back on.

[Mummy Em]

I don't think a roster would have worked for us, but I have a pretty domesticated bloke. The sort of things that my dh does include:

Dinner, particularly when we just had dd1 before she was sharing family meals, as I often wouldn't have even thought about it.
Dishes - he does some, I do some
Most of the major grocery shops while I have a newborn (another thing to consider is online shopping).
Floors and dusting on the weekend if I don't get them done
He checks the mail and takes the bins out, so I don't have to remember bin day.

If I offer him the choice between taking the baby or doing a job around the house, he usually chooses the housework, particularly if he is tired and stressed from work, and particularly with dd2 because she settles much better for me for some reason.

Make sure he takes as much time off as he reasonably can after the birth. Partly because you will need some help, but mainly for his own benefit, because this is a new family member and he will regret it if he doesn't take the opportunity to get to know his child.

This post has been edited by Mummy Em: 20/02/2012, 12:12 AM

[Penguin78]

It's a good idea to start now, getting him to do equal share in the housework. That way, when bubba comes it will be second nature to him.

Like PP have intimated, he will need to do everything for the first few weeks while u recover/get used to life with baby, so prepare for that.

For us, DH was the clean one and me the messy one! He has spent years training me, tho I still don't 'see' the things he does.

After DS was born, we realised how hard it was to keep on top of everything. We have settled into a routine of:

Me: washing dishes, cooking, laundry
DH: vacuuming, general tidy, garden
Cleaners do the rest! ( we both work full time currently)

OP, I know u didn't ask for this advice, but just a red flag went up when you said u were continuing uni once bubba was born. I hope u r st least giving yourself a semester off, because u may struggle to even do part time study. I was hoping to return to part time study by the time DS was three months old, but I did not have a sleeper, so didn't go back until he was eight months. Hope u don't mind my extra two cents worth!

[Lisy-lis]

My DH is a farmer and has fairly traditional views on gender roles. For me, the best thing ever was getting someone to come in, every day except Sunday, to help out. She cleaned, tidied, did the laundry and prepared meals for the first 6 weeks, and now comes 3 days a week.

If you can possibly afford it, I would recommended you pay for as much help around the house as you can. I did not want an au pair or nanny - I can hold and feed and play with the baby - I wanted someone to clean the toilet and prep the veggies.