[~Panda~]

Thank you for starting this group!

I was only able to BF for 4-5 weeks (and I'm amazed I lasted that long) and I'm feeling so much sadness and guilt over not BFing anymore. It's something I always wanted to do and I saw an expensive LC, had about 5-6 midwives try and help etc.

My nipples are almost inverted and I was told by a few MWs that I'd find it difficult to feed. It didn't help that DS was not interested in latching on properly and was extremely lazy.

I tried so many things. Nipple shields, different positions, expressing a little before latching him on, etc. I ended up with deep cracks, blood in milk, bruised blue nipples, screaming through feeds, mastitis, blocked ducts, etc.

I tried expressing but my supply dropped. So I started expressing every 2-3 hours to get my supply up. By the time I'd fed him, changed him, played then settled DS, then expressed, he was awake again so I was getting pretty much no sleep and crying so much.

When I go to Mother's Group and see everyone BFing, I feel so jealous and feel as though it must seem to them that I don't love my child as much as they love theirs. I've often cried in the car on the way home because I'm do envious and feel as though they are better than me and I am inferior.

[jerseygirl]

Oh wow this is great! I have a long history of BFF (breastfeeding failure) My first child in 2006 I fed for probably no more than 6 weeks and that was mainly formula. I found I did not have a good milk supply and I didn't think she was getting enough. I'd express and barely get anything out. She did a lot better on formula than my feeding her. It took me a good 6 months to get over the fact I could not feed. I hated going into the parents room and seeing these mothers easily (as it seemed) wack a breast out and here I am sitting there with a bottle. I felt so guilty and horrible. I tried hard but felt I couldn't do it.

I had my 2nd baby in 2008, and although she was latching better, it was my milk supply again that was the issue. I also ended up with mastitis and an infection in my mouth where I could not give her my milk, and just expressing wasn't enough to keep up the supply, so I failed for a 2nd time.

I am now 18 weeks preg, and really hope that everything goes to plan and that I can BF successfully this time. I will try again, and am thinking that I will make sure I feed the bub every 2 - 3 hours for the first few days to see if I can get my milk supply to come in and establish. Heaven help me!

[tlc73]

My son was born by emergency C-section because he was trying to come out face first! He then got stuck and wasn't breathing when delivered and so intubated and in ICU. The night nurse (weekend) was "too busy" to help me express and refused to take me to ICU to see my son for the first time. Eventually I chucked a wobbly (literally because had a spinal and couldn't really walk and said would crawl to ICU if I had too). End result of all this was we had a rocky start to breastfeeding.
When he kept losing weight i tried expressing after every feed and giving it with the next feed. After 10 days and still losing weight the paediatrician took him out of my hands and gave him formula. I persisted with the breastfeeding, expressing and then top up with first expressed breast milk and then formula. I took motilium by the bucket load. I had his tongue tie clipped. I cried and I cried.
Not being able to breastfeed fully felt worse than the birth. Everywhere I looked was advise that breast was best, and it made me cry.
When my son was 8 weeks old I looked at him smile and fell in love with him for the first time and realised it didn't matter how I fed him, he was happy and thriving.
I cut back on the motilium, I started the minipill, I did all the things that were supposed to stop my breast milk and I was happy with where I was.
My son is now 8 months old, we have been fully breastfeeding since starting solids BUT IT DOESNT MATTER, I would be just as happy if he was on formula, I am just lazy and hate sterilising stuff.
Whatever you choose, whatever life chooses for you, remember at the end of the day you have a child that you love unconditionally and that is what really matters

[Taffatups]

My DD was born vaginally and the only thing out of the ordinary was the forceps as she was coming too fast and so there was swelling. I had been expressing colostrum prior to giving birth as I had been advised to at a BF class but even then my supply hadn't been increasing. When my milk came in DD was extremely unsettled and not weeing or putting on weight, although no probs latching. By day 5 we realised my supply wasn't anywhere near enough and we started formula to top up (bul of the feed actually).

Now at 10 weeks tomorrow, DD is still being BF at each feed but I only produce 20-30 mLs and that is after trying pumping, motilium, maxalon, and offering the boob at every feed. She is just getting over the flu and I think that may have killed BF because now she is not always staying latched and whilst she was sick the BF was happening sporadically.

In some ways I feel relieved because it means DH can help with feeds a it more (which he is okay with) but I do feel sad that I will be missing that special bonding time, even if it was only 5 mins per feed.

[Zeppelina]

I am so grateful for this thread and to all of you for sharing your stories. It helps to know that you're not the only one out there. I'll be back to post my story when it's not 11.30pm and I'm not using toothpicks to keep my eyes open.

[thelms]

I have been going over and over in my head where we went wrong with breastfeeding, I really need to share my story.

DD is 12 weeks, born 26/12/11. She is my third baby and I breastfed the first two for 8 months with very little difficulty. She fed perfectly from her first feed minutes after birth, I needed no assistance in hospital and she actually surprised the paediatrician and lost no weight during our 4 night stay. I left feeling really confident and happy.

The fussing started around 3 weeks old, feeding became very stressful as she pulled on and off appearing frustrated, hungry and upset. 6 week check up with the paediatrician and he is not happy with her weight gain. By 7 weeks she was completely refusing to breastfeed and wouldn't take a bottle of EBM or formula. She screamed day and night. After seeing several clinic nurses, paediatricians, gp etc we got an urgent referral to Tresillian. They were amazing, they worked so hard to get her breastfeeding again. It was suspected that she had reflux (hard to diagnose as she wasn't vomiting but she wasn't feeding to have something to vomit). We started offering thickener and a comp bottle of EBM and she was actually feeding. Every breastfeed was a struggle but once she got going she did really well. I had so many highs and lows, we would have a great feed, then a crap one, there was no consistency. With two other children at home, I just didn't have the time to keep trying to breastfeed, express and bottle feed, sterilise etc.

Just this week after seeing the clinic nurse she suggested one last attempt to get her breastfeeding by stopping all bottles and letting her get hungry (her weight is great now). I tried this yesterday and today and she has fed off one side but mostly over night, she is refusing the other side. During the day, if she is happy she will suck a little sometimes long enough to get the let down but usually not. If she is hungry, she gets so upset and refuses to attach.

I am so disappointed. Not at her and not at myself, I know we have exhausted every avenue. She is my last baby and I truly enjoy breastfeeding. I am grateful that she is healthy and is taking the bottle perfectly and growing really well now but I am having so much trouble moving past this and I don't know why. I plan to keep expressing as much and for as long as possible. I figure the cost of pump hire is the same as formula.

Does anyone have any suggestions on moving forward? or will it just take time?

[Livsh]

What a fantastic idea for a group! Thank you so much for starting it up!

My BF story follows the usual theme...

I really REALLY wanted to BF, was completely convinced that I would be able to do it etc etc.

But the twins birth was horrific, they were in SCBU, DD had serious problems latching, DS would spend hours upon hours on the breast....trying to get both of them fed was beyond a nightmare.

The thing that really broke the camels back was the leg paralysis. My sciatic nerve got crushed during labour. My leg was completely paralysed for a week and partially paralysed for a month (three years on and it's still numb). The pain was incredible, it was constant, nagging, excrutiating neuropathic pain. It made sitting for long periods (BFing) agony and having two babies gnawing on your breasts while experiencing this pain was awful.

I carried on like this for 8 weeks....8 weeks of sheer hell where I hated every second of being a mum...until my consultant saw me at the hospital and told me to stop.

That day was amazing...the sense of relief I had when I didn't have to sit for 4 hours with twins alternating screaming for food!

I expressed milk for them for 6 months, but they were only getting a bottle a day from me.

I felt tremendously guilty about it, the birth was horrible, they needed special care and now I'd also failed at feeding them.

Now though, seeing my thriving, happy twins....the guilt is gone!

[PurpleNess]

Fab idea , thanks, it's just nice to know you're not alone and to have a place to share stories.

I was determined to breastfeed and after a wonderful pregnancy and beautiful, perfect natural birth I thought everything would fall into place - how wrong I was.

DS was a small 6 pd at birth and whilst he crawled to the breast & latched on quickly after birth that was about the sum of it. His mouth was so small and I have wide nipples he just couldn't latch properly. So I expressed colostrum & we finger fed him through a syringe. On day 4 we went to the breast feeding clinic & was told he had a severe tongue tie, day 9 we had it snipped. I started using a nipple shield which he fed through but he has to work so hard just to get a few mls it was exhausting him. He was a very sleepy baby.
He lost a lot of weight in the first week so we were on a 3 hrly fed schedule 24/7. By this stage my milk had come in. Our routine was :
Try to feed using shield for about half an hr, he's usually fall asleep .
Then comp feed with EBM
Get on the pump again for up to an hr just to get enough for the next feed.
This went on 24/7 for 6 weeks at which point I started to lose my marbles due to lack of sleep and the emotional roller coaster. His attachment was not improving & my supply was very erratic. One morning I woke up with no milk at all & nothing to feed him, in a panic I called the help line and we agreed to offer formula rather than starve him in the hope my supply would come back. I got fenegreek & started that.
After many tears & discussions with my DH, mum, friends, lactation consultant we decided that a happy mum is better for all so I reduced my expressing down to days only & formula fed at night, he was used to the bottle so no probs at all.

Finally after 3 months I'd had enough of expressing, it was interfering with my enjoyment of my son and daily life so I chucked it in & he is now 100% formula fed & growing very very well, he's now 6kg and a happy adorable boy.

I still have days when I wish I stuck it out but in reality I think I was heading for PND withthe stress of it all. In my head I know I did the right thing for all of us but my heart still pines after that missed opportunity.

thanks everyone for your stories & all the best xx

This post has been edited by PurpleNess: 23/03/2012, 10:21 AM

[*~*MagicHour*~*]

Thought I would add my story here as it looks like my DS and I are headed down the path of stopping breastfeeding due to nipple pain and an inability of anyone to be able to help us

My breastfeeding story is a little different to everyone else's here and I think that is why I'm still struggling with my decision to wean or not. I have really good supply, my son is gaining weight and feeds well - the problem is he has an uncoordinated suck and poor attachment where he doesn't bring his tongue forward over his bottom gum and so breastfeeding has on and off been a painful experience for me as my nipples can be in agony from feeding. I am fortunate (in a way) that I haven't suffered from cracked or bleeding nipples, from blocked ducts or mastitis, but I have suffered pain in many feeds (lately every feed) since my son was 2.5 weeks old. He is 20 weeks old now and I have been feeding in pain for 18-ish weeks now - a great achievement even if at times it probably makes me seem like a martyr.

I'm sitting here in tears as I write this coz part of me wishes that things could be different and I could breast feed my son pain free, but it looks like I can't. I have seen many early childhood nurses, a speech pathologist, a lactation consultant and am seeing a osteopath and everyone says that maybe he will grow out of it and maybe even if things could change he just doesn't have any incentive to change how he feeds as he gets all the milk he wants and it doesn't hurt or bother him. I always wanted to breastfeed and I know that I should be proud that I still am but it is so hard knowing that it's very likely I will be giving up breastfeeding because it isn't the best thing for me, not because it isn't the best thing for my son.

I've started on the regular 4-hourly panadol again and also started to try and express again as well. Though I'm not having much luck with the expressing at the moment, partly because I stopped expressing a while ago because it just became too much effort and I was still able to breastfeed ok and partly because my son is feeding up to 8 times a day (having a bit of a "4 month sleep regression" and needing to feed lots) and my breasts are still only adjusting to that (up from the normal 6 times) and so adding a "9th feed" is a bit tricky. If worse comes to worse, I will try weaning him onto formula for one feed then expressing that one and then see if I can replace two feeds a day (one with EBM and one with formula) and try going from there. It also doesn't help that I suffer a little from nipple vasospams too (caused by my son's poor latch we think) and so expressing is not pain-free either (and my poor nipples go a lovely shade of purple )

Everyone says I should be proud of how long I've kept this up, but I don't feel proud - just sad that things couldn't be different. Hopefully when I've made a decision to wean I'll be able to look back and know that I did everything I could for me and my son and that 4.5 months plus of breastfeeding is fantastic when "every drop counts" (I love that slogan, it should so be adopted so that mums like us who have to formula feed but did do some breastfeeding don't feel so bad ).

While it sucks that we are all in this position - it's nice to know there are others out there who know how I feel. Even if our stories aren't the same, we share the pain that is breastfeeding that just doesn't work out...

Edited - fixed the funny stuff going on

This post has been edited by *~*MagicHour*~*: 05/04/2012, 07:10 PM

[RubyTuesday76]

Panda! I too am very jealous of mums that find it so easy to bf! I sometimes still feel like I failed my son, even though truly this is not the case!

I am also so sick of the judgement calls from those that do bf & insist that I should have persisted! Oh if they only knew!