[roses99]

Hi girls,

I don't belong in here, but I'm hoping you can help me with an etiquette question.

My mother-in-law had a (full-term) stillbirth a year before my husband was born. This little girl was their first child. My husband arrived a year later.

Things were done very differently back then and, while I know she'd have grieved deeply, there was no opportunity to hold or even see the baby, no funeral etc. And while I have always known about this baby, there isn't much said about her.

However, my MIL opened up to me about her earlier this year and told me some details that I hadn't known. Also about how it had affected her. I know she thinks about her first baby often, even if she doesn't speak about her all the time.

After our conversation earlier in the year, I've been trying to think of ways that I might be able to do something for her in remembrance of this baby. So a little while ago, I put her name down on the wait list at Names in the Sand. I'm now quite close to the top of the list and considering what to do with the photo.

My plan has been to have it printed in about A4 size and beautifully framed. This will come out of left field for my MIL. How should I go about giving it to her? I don't just want her to open a wrapped gift and get a surprise. So should I take her aside privately, tell her about Names in the Sand and then get her to open it? Should I do this with the family around? Should I write a letter and then post it? We live four hours away. Or should I wait until the anniversary date approaches (I know the month, not the date) and send it then?

I want to be sensitive and I'm not quite sure how.

Thank you

[Guest_Starletta_*]

I would give it to her personally, but pull her aside and do it privately.

I have met a lot of parents who lost babies 20 - 30 years ago. Sadly they often have nothing to remember them by and were encouraged to forget them. So they may have had trouble dealing with their grief, and acknowledging them now could bring up a lot of feelings and memories so they may want to be alone when this happens. These days we are offered so much support and ways to honour and remember them. We are very lucky in that respect.

My husband's aunt lost her son at 40 weeks 30 years ago and we have also had his name written in the sand so she has something to honour him. I think its a wonderful idea OP, bless you for being so lovely.

This post has been edited by Starletta: 16/12/2011, 12:33 PM

[imamumto3]

I think i would give it to her privately. Give her time to look at it alone & then she can show the family when she chooses. What a lovely idea, she has a great daughter in law

[jules77]

The story you tell, OP is an almost carbon copy of what happened in my family, some 36 years ago.

My parents first child, a girl, was still born at term, and my mum has never really been able to talk about her. I know some sketchy details but that is it.

I know if I were to do the same for my mum, I would definitely give the gift to her in private, and not at any family occasion, as going by how emotional she was when she told me about my sister, she would no doubt be the same on receiving such a gift.

Such a special thing you are doing - it's so sad that when these babes were still born, their parents were not given the opportunities to grieve that they are today

[cazbir]

As a mum of an Angel to Stillbirth, who was very lucky to have treasured memories and a funeral for my daughter, i think its wonderful that your MIL has opened up to you, and yes i agree give it to her privately and she may then show or share this to everyone but its wonderful that u are aknowledgeing her daughter that she would not have been allowed to back in those days xoxoxo

[roses99]

Thank you all so much.

I am very sensitive to the fact that - as much as I care and my heart aches for her - I have not had this experience. And so I very much appreciate you taking the time to reply.

It's only since a friend lost her baby to stillbirth at 36 weeks, three years ago, that I've really thought about it a lot. I'm so glad there's so much support for parents these days.

I think I'll wait until my MIL is staying with us on her own, and then I'll give it to her when DH is at work and it's just the two of us. Then she'll have the option of some privacy to process it.

Oh, and Starletta, I very clearly remember the night you lost your Harry and feeling just utterly devastated for you. I'm so sorry I was also so happy to hear about baby #2 and wish you a perfectly uneventful pregnancy, although I imagine it must be very stressful.

Thanks again ladies

This post has been edited by Bahodie: 16/12/2011, 07:38 PM

[Guest_Starletta_*]

Thanks Bahodie. You sound like such a lovely person

Good luck with the gift giving and let us know how it goes x

[JennyH]

I agree and think you could say that her telling you about XYZ has really touched you, and you wanted to do something to honour her baby's memory... tell her you had this gift made and she can put it wherever she pleases, you won't be offended if she keeps it somewhere private or if she wants to display it, it's her choice.

Letting her know you think of her loss and acknowledge it will mean a lot to her, but she may not want to open that grief to everyone and have the picture somewhere out of sight.