Okay have decided to be vulnerable. Long story.... but hoping someone can help me figure myself out.
* I HATED food growing up. I spent most of my teenagehood eating a mars bar and can of coke for lunch, rarely breakfast (if I did weetbix) and despised dinner. The only time I 'enjoyed' dinner and food in general, was visiting my grandparents. They'd have homemade porridge every morning with honey, turkey sandwich or something of the like for lunch (which I could do/live without never liked bread anyway)and vegies with fresh fish for dinner. Nothing was every fried. I LOVED their food, otherwise I tended not to eat other times.
* I got through to young adulthood - and actually food was never on my mind. I hated typical lunches in primary school as well - I remember my Mum could never find anything I'd like to eat. But I cannot remember focusing on food very much - I just remember I didn't like it much.
* I never enjoyed or liked cooking. Cooking has always been a 'chore'.
* I always had a negative self-body image, but looking back I now know that was ridiculous. It wasn't food related though - I just didn't like food. It was more my boobs were bigger than others, I was more shapely but now looking back I realise I was too thin for my body weight. The first time I remember taking note of my weight and BMI was at Uni and my BMI was about an 18. And then I WAS eating more so I hate to think what my BMi was before then. I am 175 cm tall and shockingly at the moment 86kg. I have put on 6-8 kgs almost instantly - since I started with the Depo Injection for the pill.
* I only began to 'like' eating once I met my husband, as he liked to cook and cooked yummy sauces and nice things! I was still a size 8 when I got married - it was only after kids I've EVER had an issue with my weight. And not with my first daughter either - I easily got back to around 70kg after DD1 - flat tummy in a few months and felt great!
* Then I had DD2 - and all went downhill from there. I spent the 3 months post birth in so much agony I could barely stand up. I remember when DD was just starting solids, even a tiny spoonful of food would have me writhing in agony on the floor. At NO time did a health professional take my pain seriously, though I had test after test after test after test - blood tests, blood and cancer specliasists, liver stuff as my LFT's were also elevated. After about 18 months of specliaists and complete agony, they found I had stage 4 endometriosis and severe bowel endometriosis. Too difficult to treat by lap surgery - I need a full bowel reconstruction and hysterectomy. I've been on and off waiting lists, and now starting the proedure again to get back on one for surgery. Apparently it is too complicated to deal with and needs 2 specialist surgeons for about an 8-9 hour major surgery as my case is so bad.
* I went on a common pill - levlen - to control my symptoms. Whilst I am on the pill two things happen - I gain excessive weight EVERY time but it DOES control my symptoms. Control meaning I am still in pain, but not in complete unbearable agony every moment of every day.
* Alongside this I have continued to have LFT rises and falls, which may or may not be attributed to having a FNL (Focal Nodular Hyperplasia - benign growth on my liver) and slight liver scarring (test showed 6.1 which shows minor scarring). Apart from that liver specialist continues to say it is due to weight etc. I should add now at 86 is the MOST I have ever been. I do not believe this - as I had liver issues when I was also 73kg and then they were actually worse LFTs than now at a higher weight. So I don't 'buy' his excuses either.
* Pill is great, except I've found out I'm also FVL positive (factor v Leiden) which means I technically shouldn't take the pill because it can cause blood clots - higher chance of. So I went off the pill again. Until I found out I could take Depo Provero as it was less of a risk as is progesterone based, not oestrogen based. BUT I have definitely gained a huge amount of weight since the DAY I started it, and I cannot wait until January 12th as I won't be taking my next shot. I feel living with my endo and bowel symptoms to ME are more tolerable than the weight gain
* I have a huge problem with food in general. Even on Lite n Easy - though I have lost weight on it - if I stick to the FULL program I get pain - if I eat what I'm supposed to eat calorie and volume wise - I get pain. But I do eat and I continue to get pain. Then I have days where because I'm constipated, bloated and feeling like absolute crap, clogged up and energy-less I then resort to REALLY bad methods of taking a series of days of laxatives. I must be the ONLY person in the world, who takes laxatives and LOVES the way they feel. I love the way my stomach feels empty afterwards. No pain, just relief. When my endo was at its worst I would go for up to 7 days without main meals (just a few rice crackers at night) and I'd feel better than I do when I eat.
* When I eat, I feel lethargic, sick and tired. I have days when my entire body aches - I have a shoulder lipoma as well and often I feel around that my arms feel so weak they will fall off. I feel it is food that is doing that to me. Because if I don't eat food, I feel great. If I eat food, I feel crap!!
* I wonder now if the reason I had a bad relationship with food all my life is because food wasn't doing to my body what it does to others - and whilst I don't remember this when I'm young I do wonder if it was my natural way of my body saying food was making me sick, so don't eat it?? I am just guessing now - my dr says to have endo as bad as it is, I would have had to have it all my life. Yet I had NO symptoms my entire life, except after DD2 was born, which is also very strange!!
* Now add to this in the last few months I am constantly itchy all over hives or ezcema, or both. I get burn rashes all over my neck and on other parts of my body, on my eyes and face. I've suffered constant staph infections but after elimination and various antibiotics I now believe it is food or environmental. Except I've changes soaps to a staph/medical soap and changed shampoo/conditioner and my rashes keep coming back. Some nights I break out in hives all over my back and ezcema all over my arm. Then it can go away the next day. Then it comes back again! I am realising Elecon does treat them, but as soon as its done its job they all come back again! I am starting to think this is all food related too.
* When I hear food is for 'fuel' and you have to eat because you are hungry - don't want to starve I do not understand this concept at all. Because food makes me sick, ill and tired. It has the REVERSE effect on me. I can EASILY not eat until 2-3 and I don't get hungry - in fact give me 5 days of laxatives and no food and I'd feel GREAT! If I don't eat I have more energy.
* I get EXTREMELY tired. I drink 3-6 cans of Coke Zero a day just to stay awake. I experimented with this for a few months a couple of years back, and I became SO lethargic and tired I was in bed before the kids EVERY night without fail and had no energy. So I drink coke as it keeps me awake. I don't drink coffee, alcohol or anything else. I like chocolate and eat too much. Though I ALWAYS regret it - it makes me feel bloated and sick. I don't know why I eat it then -I guess I like the taste.
* I am ALWAYS thirsty - I drink many many litres of water a day and even that doesn't quench my thirst. I don't have diabetes and blood sugar levels have always been fine. I had a very short time I had a slightly elevated cholestoral (though wasn't overweight at the time at all) and otherwise my only inconsistencies in any blood tests are my elevated and unexplained LFTs. I am also positive to the haemochromotosis gene mutation, though the GP thinks this is not an issue as the blood indicators that would suggest actually having it actively would show in my blood tests and they don't.
So I am very confused about foods. People say eat, yet when I eat my body hates me for it. It is either in writhing bowel pain, or feeling sick and lethargic. I believe food is making me sick. And I don't know why and I don't know what it is. I am currently not being treated for any of my illnesses - I feel like the medical profession has ignored me and despite my GP being pro-active I do think now she thinks it is too hard to figure out. I'm sick of seeing specialists - who do their little tests and then send you to the next doctor who does their own little tests, none of which make connections with each other. I need a doctor House, someone who can piece all the puzzle pieces together and figure out why my body is acting up on me.
At this stage, my hope is to get back on the waiting list for my surgery and maybe that will 'cure' me.
But in the meantime, I need to fix my eating habits and my diet, and I don't know that a typical diet will help either as my body screams at me in various ways, when I eat food.
If I could look at all the food groups and choose one I am most comfortable eating - it would be salad greens, they always have me feeling fresh. Fruit can sometimes make me feel ill and bloated. Chocolate ALWAYS does. Pasta usually causes bloating or reflux. I LOVE vegies - I don't usually feel ill effects. I crave lemon and bitter on my foods. I go through constant changes of one minute craving salt and the next craving sugar, yet all the while I am continously thirsty. My thirst never ceases - even if I've just drunk a cup of water in a sitting! I now carry a large water bottle around everywhere I go. If I don't I often get dry parched to the point I feel like I'm choking - that's how thirsty I get - that can be just 5 minutes after just having a drink. Again this has never been explained and I've never bought it up with the GP about my thirst, nor have I about lack of energy. I go to the GP about enough other stuff to complicate matters.
So.... go on... make sense of me
Be harsh - I'm not scared to tell you about my past or talk about it.
This post has been edited by Katakacpk: 01/12/2011, 10:37 PM