[AmityD]

I just finished reading the book ‘Thirty Something And The Clock Is Ticking,’ by Kasey Edwards. Ms Edwards was enjoying her thirties, with no immediate plans to become a mum, when a medical diagnosis changed everything. The discovery that severe endometriosis had left her with a decreased chance of falling pregnant lead her doctor to declare she only had 12 months to try and conceive a child, or risk losing the chance entirely. Unsure of whether she wanted to become a mum, now or ever, Kasey embarked on a process of researching, investigating and option weighing to decide whether becoming a mother was the right choice for her.

I found this process very interesting, because my path to motherhood could not have been more different. Unlike Ms Edwards, from the time I was old enough to put a baby doll in a pram and force my sister to play the Dad, I have been rehearsing for the role of Mum. I was the girl who would rush to hold any baby within my vicinity, not minding the nappy changing and drool wiping. I handed out flyers to the families in our street the minute I turned 12, announcing my availability for babysitting. Motherhood, for me, was never an intellectual choice I made after weighing up the facts. It was a deep and primal longing I knew I had to fulfil.

I distinctively remember the moment I decided the time was right to start trying for a baby, after having been married for four years. We were sitting at a café having breakfast at 2pm, after a big night out the night before. We were leisurely reading the papers, no pressure to do anything or be anywhere other than in the moment. But as I looked across the road to an oval where children were playing in a soccer competition, their parents cheering them on with pride, I thought ‘I would rather be them.’ In that moment I decided I had enjoyed enough late nights, sleep ins and leisurely breakfasts and was ready to trade them all in for the early mornings and soccer games of parental life. It was as simple as that.

And almost 6 years and two children later, despite longing for a leisurely breakfast spent reading the papers on some weekends, I have never ever regretted that decision. Motherhood is undoubtedly the most exhausting, challenging, relentless thing I have ever done, but to me the rewards are absolutely worth it. But reading this book lead me question whether everyone feels this way. Or do some people actually regret becoming parents, feeling the sacrifices were too great?

It seems to go without saying that, even if you’re ambivalent about parenthood beforehand, once you have your baby the love kicks in you can no longer imagine life without them. And while many a joke has been made by parents whose child was unplanned and unexpected, it’s always followed up with the reassurance that it was a happy mistake. It would be less socially acceptable to hear them proclaim they wish they never had them and would change it if they could. But are there parents out there who, despite loving their child, actually feel like that?

When you weigh up the pros and cons of motherhood, as Ms Edwards did in her decision making process, there’s no doubt the list of things you give up is an awfully long one. Your time, your body, your money, your sleep, your freedom, your self focus, your personal space, your short-term career, your ability to be selfish, your ability to be spontaneous and your ability to think about one thing at a time, just to name a few. And in return you get to selflessly give of yourself 24 hours a day. As my husband suggested, ‘On paper, it’s a tough sell.’

To put it another way, as a friend of Ms Edward’s did so eloquently in her book, motherhood is often ‘A whole lot of sh*t with a glimpse of brilliance.’ Yet somehow, for most of us, those glimpses of brilliance are enough to sustain us. But perhaps they’re not enough for everyone?

In one chapter Ms Edwards questions why a friend of hers decided to have a second child, when she found the first one so challenging. This is because to a non parent those glimpses of brilliance don’t even come close to making up for the hard slog it takes to achieve them. I also experienced this recently while working with a girl my age who is single and childfree (the latter by choice, the former not so much!) She turned up to rehearsal, having woken at midday, and recounted the details of her decadant night out. In contrast I had been up most of the night with a new baby and a sick preschooler and had already put in a few hours work just to get out of the house. So the story of my evening’s adventures involved a projectile vomit, sheets that needed changing, numerous breastfeeds and two hours sleep. However it concluded with my children giggling at each other as they snuggled in bed with us. A joyful moment that, as I explained to her, miraculously cancelled the other things out. ‘I don’t get it’ she proclaimed. Giggling cannot possibly make up for having two hours sleep and being vomited over. ‘But it does,’ I assured her, knowing full well she thought I was crazy but if she ever had kids she’d get it.

But maybe not everyone does get it. Maybe there are mothers out there who agree having two hours sleep and being vomited on sucks and no amount of cute giggling can make up for it. Maybe they wish they could go back to going to work and focussing on what they were doing, rather than worrying their child shouldn’t have really gone to childcare with a green snotty nose. And perhaps there are fathers who long for the intimacy they used to share with their wives and wish they had kept things as they were. Perhaps these people, if they had their time over, would decide that the glimpses of brilliance just aren’t enough.

I’m not one of them. But I’d be interested to hear from those of you who are……

Did you weigh up the pros and cons of motherhood, or was it a purely emotional decision? And have you ever regretted your choice?

[CappucinoGirl]

I'm sure this is the hardest part of motherhood.

The constant battle of emotions, the ups and downs, I know there are times where I could gladly hand my kids over to a trusted and capable person and I could hop a plane and happily not think about anyone but myself for a few days, I know people who feel completely different and probably see that as utterly selfish, but I have been a SAHM for 10 years and had few weekends away so I guess that changes my perspective a bit, however I'd only be content to do it for a short amount of time and that to me shows me that I am in the right place, as far as motherhood is concerned.

Everyone goes through the low patches when sometimes it all feels like a chore but if you find you are mostly content with where you are in life when you wake up then that's a great indicator that you are in the right place

[twotoddlers]

i weighed the pros and cons before i committed to the decision.. but i don't think you can ever be fully aware of what your getting into when it comes to motherhood.. but despite EVERYTHING i have never regretted a second of it..

[kemisz]

Why did you write this blog post?

To sum up your post:

I think there must be parents out there who regret having their children.

I'm not one of them. I can't relate to them. I can't seem to find any to quote in this post, but I'm sure they're out there SOMEWHERE!

But I'm still totally not one of them...

Were you seriously sleep deprived when you wrote this? You couldn't think of anything to contribute other than your assurances that motherhood is totally awesomesauce and you couldn't really understand if someone didn't feel that way?

Do they pay you to write these blogs? Just curious.

[Rose38]

Why did you write this blog post?

To sum up your post:

I think there must be parents out there who regret having their children.

I'm not one of them. I can't relate to them. I can't seem to find any to quote in this post, but I'm sure they're out there SOMEWHERE!

But I'm still totally not one of them...

Were you seriously sleep deprived when you wrote this? You couldn't think of anything to contribute other than your assurances that motherhood is totally awesomesauce and you couldn't really understand if someone didn't feel that way?

Do they pay you to write these blogs? Just curious.

Harsh.

But this post does have a point.

There are lots of mothers out there who struggle with Motherhood. I'm one of them. Yes, I admit it. I find it difficult and challenging and exhausting and anxiety provoking. BUT, I don't regret it. Having my kids has made me grow in a way I would never have without them in my life. It's a hard gig but I love them to pieces.

I am, however, not a natural like some. Good on you if you are. Indeed, I am envious. I really wish I was. But there are plenty of women out there like me who need to be told that we are good enough, we do a good job and our kids are loved and well looked after.

Lets try to understand that we're all different and try not to compare ourselves to others in a way that makes some feel like lesser Mothers.

[anon60]

But there are plenty of women out there like me who need to be told that we are good enough, we do a good job and our kids are loved and well looked after.

IF this is the case, there are other, unresolved issues that need addressing. These issues may have been brough to light by becoming a monther, but not inherent to Mothering itself.

Just my $0.02 worth.

The "stuff" such as "leisurely breakfasts" etc: 1)very superficical, 2) these happen again when yuor children get older.

This overanalysing & handwringing really gets on my goat.

[BetteBoop]

I agree with kemisz that the tone of bemused wondering doesn't invite people who haven't found parenthood just like a Huggies ad to openly share their feelings.

That aside, I think some people are not supposed to be parents. Infertility is usually bestowed on those who least deserve it but theoretically nature has the right idea in removing the abillity to reproduce. A certain percentage of people should not be capable of creating a baby because they aren't suited to it (for whatever reason, maybe there is a genetic basis to maternal/paternal behaviour) are asshats or perverts.

Unfortunately the infertility lottery isn't that advanced and the winners and losers are randomly selected.

I agree with your DH too. Parenthood is a tough sell- but not just on paper. I think for the most women parenthood involves moments of wondering about life without children, even with longing. I think it's basic human nature to question if the path you've taken is the right or best one.

I don't think regret should be hard to fathom if you've ever thought back to your child free days with longing. Isn't it the same basic thought process, just at a different end of the spectrum than regret?

And for me, 2 hours of vomit and sleeplessness wouldn't be compensated for by a giggle. I would call it a sh*t night but part of the job. I guess we're all different.

[2boys2cute]

While I don't regret my children for one second, there have been many days lately where I've really struggled and have been finding motherhood very tough. Not that I didn't think it would be hard (I was certainly under no illusions that raising children would be a breeze). I just didn't expect to feel totally defeated like this some days, and feel that I'm not doing a good enough job more often than not. My boys are so full on sometimes, I just don't have the energy to keep up with the constant fighting, destruction of the house, constantly looking for stuff they have moved from its original spot.....etc. I love them more than anything else in this world, but my goodness I'm finding things hard at the moment. My husband is rarely around to help which makes it harder because I feel like I"m looking after 3 children who all completely ignore me and work against me instead of with me. The responsibility for pretty much everything going on in our lives falls back on me, and I feel like I am failing miserably with everything.

I don't miss the weekends away, "me" time or leisurely breakfasts, etc that we enjoyed before having children. I just hate that I feel our lives are completely out of control at the moment and nothing I do or even try to do makes things any easier for any of us.

[Hunch]

I do miss pretty much all those things listed in the article, but like most parents I feel that my children are worth it.

I am interested to hear the decision that Kasey Edwards arrived at after her analysis. While it is pretty easy for anyone to list the 'negatives' I cannot fathom in any way how she could understand what children can and do bring to your life.

[Mel1609]

The "stuff" such as "leisurely breakfasts" etc: 1)very superficical, 2) these happen again when yuor children get older.

This overanalysing & handwringing really gets on my goat.

Why on earth is the desire to have a leisurely breakfast superficial ? IMO taking some time just for me, or for me and my partner, to simply relax and enjoy a lovely meal, maybe read a paper or catch up on each other's weeks without any interruptions - it's bloody awesome and contributes to my mental wellbeing !

I do not understand however why having children means that these things stop. I still enjoy all the things I used to enjoy pre kids. It boils down to choice, and planning.

These discussions are helpful I think to allow mothers the freedom to speak up at a time when most feel they should be at their happiest. Many feel ashamed, and would consider themselves a failure as a parent. More honestly and less judgement is always a good thing. So why not ask people to share in an open forum ?

This post has been edited by Mel1609: 22/04/2011, 04:02 PM