[fordmum]

Thank you for your story Nut, I am sorry for your loss, your mother *Ev's loss and your family's loss.

I have been diagnosed with Clinical Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder and Anxiety for over 10 years now with a history of self-harm since I was 15 years old (I have been safe for 10 years this year).

So I can completely understand where Lothar was coming from. I must admit though that his manager needs to be hauled over the coals or even fired for such unacceptable behaviour.

You have, however, given me even more meaning to keep on going in that your story was so well written with regards to how it affects those left behind. Although my DH, DD and DS are the reason I have continued to stay safe for as long as I have now.

It continues to be a struggle, especially when for me I no longer have any family as my biological father disowned me Christmas Eve 2011 after my biological mother back in 2002. Many of that which my biological father has said in recent communications has included that he is tired of me blaming my or not taking responsibility because of my Mental Illness (which is completely not true) with me having been to a new doctor recently who diagnosed me with something called Pyrroles Disorder (which will result in me no longer suffering from depression or anxiety to the extent that I have by taking a range of vitamins for the rest of my life). Although what has recently happened has devastated me, I have chosen not to dwell on it because I was tired of that which he has said along with blaming me for all the issues surrounding my DH 1st born daughter (who no longer resides with us) and DH's own family. It is sometimes best to remove the negatives things from one's life or the depression will continue.

My home is now filled with photos of my children, however, your story has made me realise that we need more photos of DH and myself in the house plus all of us together. As for extended family that will be given to my DD and DS in the form of a scrapbook (when I am able to put it together) when they are old enough to understand.

With only my DH, Psychologist and Respite Worker we do not have enough support but we manage most of the time.

Again my heart goes out to you and your family. May Lothgar have found peace where he is and thank you for such a story.

[HillmanMinx]

Thank you for sharing Nut. Suicide is an issue very close to my heart, having lost a lifelong friend and having suffered with periods of suicidal depression since puberty.

I appreciate it every time someone touched by suicide, shares their intimate story. Each time someone does it, there is a little less taboo and a little more compassionate understanding out there in the world.

Drowning in his own mind is an incredibly apt description. Its a literal thing, to have lost your 'self' somewhere, and be inundated by a powerful overbearing compelling call to end ones life. The percentage of choice in the matter borders on nil. And what miniscule control over choice you have left, is being battered 24 hours a day by that overbearing demanding call to death. Its little wonder that so many of us who live with the burden of suicidal thoughts, eventually succumb. It is an invisible but seriously deadly illness indeed.

For those who suffer with suicidal thoughts - please go to a doctor and find the courage to say it. Its a deadly condition. But it is highly treatable. It may feel almost impossible and pointless to seek help. But over ride those feelings. Do it for your loved ones who will be left behind. Even if your brain is telling you they wont care... They will care. Not only will they care. They will be changed forever. The whole trajectory of their life will alter. Their world view will alter. The burden of living with a loss to suicide, is inexplicable.

[mitty82]

Thank you for sharing your story Nut, I too lost my brother to suicide. It is absolutely heartbreaking and soul crushing.

Thank you for sharing, it makes me know that im not alone.

[Leafprincess]

Nicole, thank you for sharing your story.

Thank you for reminding us to live our lives with our eyes wide open and being conscious of the people we love.

Thoughts of strength being sent your way for you and your family.

[katieface84]

Thank you for sharing your story Nut, I too lost my brother to suicide earlier this year. I miss him greatly every day. Our family, like yours, are very close and watching my mum grieve for her little boy has been one of the hardest things I've ever witnessed. it's completely devastating for the family left behind

Take care of yourself x