[angel70]

People who have never done IVF do not understand what a failed cycle is like. Some people fob it off, thinking it is just like ttc naturally. If only it were that easy! I look up to the women who have done so many cycles. After 2 attempts, I am a mess. I find I get really emotional at supermarkets. I have started crying while searching for the ripest banana.

[/quote]

Panda I hear you - but to you and Prue and everyone else in the same boat - hang in there guys. I'm living proof that things can change.... and yes, I've had depression twice in my life. The first time quite badly. The 2nd time I knew what was happening and sought help really quickly. Both times felt better very quickly after seeking help.

After TTC for 2 years (having lots of lovely tests, procedures, fertility drugs, acupuncture and giving up everything even remotely likely to affect our ability to conceive and enduring constant queries from loved ones as to why nothing was happening yet...???) DH and I finally managed to conceive DD through IVF (on our 2nd cycle). I cried my guts out over the first one which failed. (This post does not address any of the tears, issues and emotional wreckage which occurred in the 2 years of TTC - it was so hard to handle and other people's pregnancies during that time were both a joyful and sorrowful experience.)

About a year after DD was born we thought we would try another IVF cycle. It was all set up and then 24 hours before the embryo transfer my MIL died. I really underestimated the impact that would have on our little family and went ahead with the transfer as we'd paid, I'd been having all the blood tests and ultrasounds, had booked leave and I thought the embryo had already been thawed. DH just went to ground for about a month, I felt like a single parent and like I was trying to hold him together as well as be the breadwinner and keep the house running, look after him and DD. Naturally the embryo decided not to stick around for that thanks very much.... I tried to pretend I was OK about it but I too found myself pushing the food trolley up and down supermarket aisles with DD in the seat trying so hard not to cry, or silently crying in the car ..... The last failed IVF cycle I did, we miscarried after 7 weeks. Again absolute devastation on my part, just felt like such a failure. M/C and infertility are not very well supported or understood by the wider community and women (and men) suffer in silence for it.

The happy ending? well in February this year we went on a short family holiday up the coast and we'd given ourselves another month before we were going to try IVF again. We'd just sold our house, were trying madly to find another one before we were evicted from our rental place at Easter, we were quite stressed about this and I did NOTHING right this time. I had actually called the IVF nurses to book in for another transfer (we still have 2 frozen and we plan to give them a chance at life at some point in the future). Anyway 5 days into the holiday I tested positive for a pregnancy (and bub is now due to arrive in the next 2 weeks according to my Dr). Not IVF, not tried for and I thank God, the universe whatever being was so kind and generous as to bestow this gift on us every day - even when my toddler is giving me hell - which she is at present because her mother is currently not up to the task of running around after her as much as she would like.

So in short, if you think you might be suffering depression - I recommend getting help ASAP. Life is so much harder when you're suffering from the condition (I was suicidal the first time, that actually was what made me realise I needed help). And, I know I've been lucky but I really think that by staying positive that you help your chances of TTC. Take holidays, live life to its utmost, enjoy everything on offer to you and just keep trying. I know another couple who did IVF on and off for 5 years, they had this attitude and then.... conceived naturally twice. Go figure!

All the best to both of you. xxx

[prue~c]

Thanks for the beautiful comments as usual everyone.

Depression, like infertility, is just another taboo thing that people don't want to know about. It's invisible and often if you can't see something, it doesn't exist.

I just really want to encourage anyone who has considered maybe seeing a counsellor, or even a psychologist or psychiatrist to take that first step and do it.

I has made SUCH a remarkable difference to my life and my partner's. And infertility and depression often go hand in hand. Those women that can go through it and not have any emotional ill-effects are so lucky. i thought I was one of them, but I really wasn't.

My FS and psychiatrist worked together to come up with a medical solution that was OK to be used while doing IVF or if pregnant. Of course no medical professional will tell you that something is 100% safe - not even panadol - but the meds they prescribed have never shown any adverse effects on IVF outcomes or pregnancy.

[jrdd]

I wish I had read something like this 6 years ago. We spent almost 2 years ttc and I was an absolute mess. Crying all the time, hiding at home, days off work, avoiding friends, having thoughts of stealing babies... Was one of those incredibly lucky ones who conceived while 'on a break' before starting IVF and managed to conceive another two very easily afterwards (on first attempt, and on second attempt - go figure). Should have been over the moon, right? Nope! Ended up with PND after first and second. For many many reasons, but I believe my depression while I was ttc had never been dealt with and this was simply the aftermath. It was a veery dark place to be and has changed me forever. If I had known years ago (that is, if other women had been as open about it as they are today) I would have certainly have asked for help.

[sweetiepop]

But what do you do Prue when the clueless psychologist (with two children) suggest you should get a life and diminishes the pain you feel that the thing that is most important in life to you is not happening and you have to watch through countless pregnancy announcements all around you? Can anti-depressants really help when you are in chronic pain from endmetriosis and bleeding from a failed ivf cycle and the announcement comes over email that a work mate you don't even knowk to support from your familuy only to hear, "no-one carries on the way you do." What if suicide is not irrational when life is filled with emotional agony and is, to your mind, empty? Can other people impose the view that your work for example should fill the void of family? Or that you should devote your life to altruism in a society that has completely dismissed your pain and which you now hate?

[PriLou]

Thank you Prue. Your article brought back many memories for me, and reading others responses the tears are back. Our ttc journey was 8 long years, numerous surgeries (most with complications) and through the generosity of an egg-donor we now have a 10-month baby boy. One regret I have is that during our rollercoaster ride and despite seeing counsellors, I denied that I was depressed and subsequently not treated for it. Infertility and IVF place an awful strain on relationships, especially marriages. So now, although we have everything we ever wanted, things are strained with myself and DH. O, the irony of it.

[bourney]

Hi Prue
Your story rang so true with me. Friends fell pregnant all around me whilst we still struggled on. I would find myself glaring at pregnant strangers, hating them for having something I so desperately wanted. I don't know how it happened but I ended up thinking that maybe they were in my shoes once. When my best friend fell pregnant another friend came over with a bottle of wine & a sedative (God bless her!). We were very lucky that IVF worked for us but those feelings of despair I can remember only too well. I was lucky that I had 2 other friends going through it at the same time. I hope you too have someone close who can 'get' it. All the best on your journey

[prue~c]

But what do you do Prue when the clueless psychologist (with two children) suggest you should get a life and diminishes the pain you feel that the thing that is most important in life to you is not happening and you have to watch through countless pregnancy announcements all around you? Can anti-depressants really help when you are in chronic pain from endmetriosis and bleeding from a failed ivf cycle and the announcement comes over email that a work mate you don't even knowk to support from your familuy only to hear, "no-one carries on the way you do." What if suicide is not irrational when life is filled with emotional agony and is, to your mind, empty? Can other people impose the view that your work for example should fill the void of family? Or that you should devote your life to altruism in a society that has completely dismissed your pain and which you now hate?

I would suggest you find a new psychologist. I have a wonderful male psychiatrist who is the least judgemental person I have met. Happy to PM you his details if you are in Sydney.

ADs don't help pain from chronic endometriosis, obviously, but other meds and procedurs can. I have Crohn's Disease, so I know how physical pain only adds to the emotional pain.

Anyway, I'm not at all qualified to dish out advice - or assvice - whatever you want to call it. I'm just one person sharing my story. If you do feel suicidal, please pick up the phone and call BeyondBlue right now 1300 22 4636.

[WittyKitty]

Sweetipop,


I have no words to make you feel better, I really wish I could.

I have also been suicidally depressed, with a burning hatred for myself and the world. If you have not tried ADs then please talk with your Dr to see if ADs could help you. They are not magic pills but in my experience they helped me think more clearly and fight away the dark thoughts instead of drowning in them.

As for other people, well... yes, it's hard not to hate them sometimes, isn't it? It's such a shame they make this journey harder but what can we do?

To be honest I simply stopped telling people what was going on if I didn't trust them not to say stupid things. That might be the wrong thing to do for others but I found changing the subject around those people helped me. And for those that wouldn't take the hint - I developed a little arrogance in dismissing their opinion to myself ie - 'well, she would say that, she's totally self obsessed and the fact she has no idea how cruddy she's being proves it' - that type of thing.

But the most important thing is stopping those hurtful words going around and around in one's head, no matter whose voice is saying them. It can be done.

Please, please seek help. There is help out there.

[greenerkiwi]

Pru - thank you for having the courage to tell the stories that don't end in a baby.

It would have been a lot easier going through the process (8th time lucky) knowing that there could be life without a baby at the end of the tunnel.

[sjla]

To sweetie pop
Please tell your psychologist how her comments made you feel and deal with your anger with her first or seek another mental health professional. Antidepressants won't solve the situation but they just might give you the energy and improved mood to tackle the situation and find a way forward. But don't give up. This too will pass.

This post has been edited by sjla: 18/10/2010, 05:59 AM