[risa80]

Always go with your gut instinct. It is the one thing that can protect you and your kids.

I'm not saying all men are pedophiles as a PP has mentioned, but the fact of the matter is that the rate of child abuse is huge and you HAVE to trust your instincts about people you meet.

It might be as simple as just not getting along with them or seeing their views differently. But it COULD be something more.

My Mum didn't trust her instinct. I paid for it with many years of sexual abuse as a child.

When I was 19, I went on a date and my instinct said was to get away from this guy but I didn't because I thought I was making a fuss over nothing. Then was date raped.

Most recently - as in a couple of months ago I found out something about a man who was a friend of my nanna's. I used to see him fairly often at special occasions where he would come along. I hated the guy and had no idea why. My skin would crawl and he gave me the creeps but I had no reason not to like him. I decide to put my feelings aside and ignore the instinct for my nanna's sake. Then we find out a couple of months ago that he is a paedophile that has abused a huge amount of little boys (i can't remember the number but I was shocked to the core). He's been in jail before and he was taken off in handcuffs a couple of months ago because he was still doing it!!

Always go with the gut. Being 'rational' isn't always right.

This post has been edited by risa80: 06/05/2010, 05:19 PM

[LittleRB]

I would 100% go with my instincts if I had a gut feeling about someone. These days I always follow my instincts as I know from past experience that I've lived to regret the times I didn't.

I'm not saying your fears are always founded, that is, just because you have a creepy feeling about someone, doesn't mean they ARE a child abuser. Howevr, I am a highly rational, logical person, and when your instincts kick in about something this serious, I can't understand how you wouldn't follow them and risk the unimaginable happening.

[kotchiornok]

I agree that instincts are important to listen to, but I think that you need to go with your child's instincts over yours.

I think this is fantastic advice. It is important especially because it shows your child that you (and they) can and should take their feelings seriously - that if they feel uncomfortable with a situation then they (or someone else) can and should put a stop to it. This is so important in getting kids to speak out if ever anything does happen.

The book "Blink" by Malcom Gladwell has some interesting things to say about first impressions and gut instincts. He does say that your intuition can be surprisingly perceptive, but there are also situations where it can be corrupted by stereotypes and likes/dislikes, eg: prejudice can operate at an intuitive unconscious level, even in individuals whose conscious attitudes are not prejudiced. I can't really remember all the details about it, but I seem to remember you are more likely to be wrong making a snap judgment about someone (as in a first impression) than when you have spent a bit more time with them and have more "data" (conversations/facial expressions/body language etc) to base your "gut instinct" on - of course though by this time you have already got a "first impression" so it is not all so straightforward.

I like the idea of asking the child how they feel - they may well have a feeling for the situation, but in any event it lets them know that their comfort level with a situation is important and should be taken into account. Although I guess if you as a parent have a very strong feeling then supervising contact is probably a reasonable precaution because the possible harm far outweighs the difficulty of doing this.

[Magenta Ambrosia]

The best advice I've ever been given in relation to children being able to say no is respect their boundaries first. Never make a child hug or kiss you or someone else if they don't want to, teach them it's OK to say no to being touched when they don't want to be.
Tell them if someone makes them do something they don't want to do for them to tell someone and they will be protected.
If a child feels uncomfortable around someone never dismiss their feelings, respect them.
Let them know that touching where swimmers cover is something only adults in a loving relationship are allowed to do. And it's against the law for someone to touch their private parts or for you to touch theirs until they are an adult.

[mumofsky]

It speaks volumes that the one poster to object to the use of women's intuition here was a man.

I am bloody horrified that there are irresponsible w*n*ers like that finding a voice on here, telling mothers to go against their motherly instinct and leave their kids unsupervised with men they feel uncomfortable around. What's your interest in it? Why do you care so much if she wants to protect her child?

To say instinct must give way to rationality is absurd. If I'd chosen to follow instinct over rationality, my DD would never have been allowed to be in the occasional care of her father who was (as most here know) later convicted on child pornography offences. I'm not proud of that but by god I'll say it if another mother wonders on EB whether she's imagining something and is getting told by men she's never met to shut up and ignore her instincts about the protection of her child so as to avoid the emasculation of men. I had nothing concrete either on DD's father, nobody had ever said anything bad about him - but I just felt weird. So if you want evidence of one successful decision based on instinct, imagine I had trusted mine and kept DD away from that monster, and that would have been one.

Seriously, it's too dangerous a topic for the blackshirts to get all political on. It makes me mad. sorry.

This post has been edited by mumofsky: 06/05/2010, 11:13 PM

[Andrew K]

I'm not going to say one way or the other what to do or not do. My son is too young so I have never been in this situation of visiting others alone. I am really interested in everyone's opinion on this though.

I'm just wondering if OP's child has displayed any different behavior after they are picked up, even if they return to normal quickly afterward? If something untoward was happening surely there would be some change in the child even temporarily? Even it's just that they're a bit quiet or something?

Has anyone found out that a child has been abused, even in a minor way, but there has been no change in the child's behavior whenever they are around this person or immediately after? I think what I'm asking is has anyone's thoughts been right when the ONLY thing they had to go on was their own instinct?

Like PP's have said, and coming from a position of no experience here, to me it makes more sense that maybe the child's instincts or behavior are the better guide for this.

[mapleleaf]

I always trust my gut instinct.

I do have a question though. How would you react if someone said their child or they got a "icky" feeling about your husband/partner/father or even yourself etc and refused to let their child around them. Would you be offended and dismiss their concerns or would you be open to the possibilty that maybe just maybe their is a good reason for them to have that "instinct".

[bubless]

I think it's important that if you don't trust anyone (male or female) that you trust your instincts and protect your child. It's not just about sexual abuse. If you decide you want to supervise your child or not leave them alone with someone you don't trust, I would definitely suggest trusting that feeling.

My mum had an instinct about my best friend's dad when I was 5, and I never went to their house when the mother wasn't home. Then once the mother went up to the corner store while I was there and we were out the back playing and while she was out the dad smacked us both. We had done something naughty although not on purpose - and in any case that's no excuse to spank someone else's child. I never went back to their house again - we only played at our place after that.

[2boys2cute]

This has been a very interesting read. I am another who feels its very important to listen to instinct. I agree, if you ignore those instincts and later find out they were spot on all along, could you ever forgive yourself?

I also agree that its a shame that some people wrongly assume all men are paedophiles (especially men who work in female dominated occupations or jobs where they have lots of contact with children), and it is a problem in our society that some still feel this way about men in general. However, the OP wasn't talking about all men in general, she mentioned a specific individual who she feels uncomfortable with...that is a very big difference to assuming that all men in general should be considered paedophiles until proven otherwise.

FWIW, I have very similar feelings towards one of our relatives. This guy has given me the absolute creeps from the minute I met him. I can't explain it, or put my finger on what it is exactly that bothers me, but I just can't shake this feeling I get when I am around him, and I simply don't trust him. We have plenty of other male relatives however, who I would feel 100% comfortable with caring for my kids...but not this guy. I feel terrible about it, but just can't shake it.

I would rather listen to my instincts and be cautious, than ignore them for the sake of "being nice" and see something unthinkable happen to my children.

[LambChop]

I would listen to my gut instinct, and have done so with both men and women, this includes who I trust with my childrens care, and who I don't.