[AmityD]

My son has an imaginary friend. This is a new development and it has made for some delightful, and interesting, moments in our household of late. His friend is called Teetee, and since Teetee has come to stay with us there have been days where I feel like I have two children!

Teetee used to be the name that my son, who is 3 and a half, wanted to be called when he was pretending to be a baby. He would snuggle up to me and say he was Teetee, not Jamison. But then one day he informed us that Teetee had “grown in his tummy” and that he was now “3 years old” and his “second cousin.” Since then Teetee has joined us on outings, he has a bath with Jamison at night, I brush his teeth and put him into bed next to Jami, and then I hear him chatting to his friend before he falls asleep.

It is all very sweet but at first my husband was a little unsure as to whether we should play along with it. So I did some research on the subject, only to be able to proudly inform him that, according to the research, children who have imaginary friends are very intelligent and creative kids who go on to become skilled communicators and high achievers. Now, that sounds like a good enough reason to go along with it to me!

In studies conducted by La Trobe University and the University of Manchester children between the ages of four and six years were compared, with and without imaginary friends.

Researcher Dr Evan Kidd says the study showed those with imaginary friends were better able to get their point across in a conversation with an adult. "They were good at understanding what the conversational partner needed to know," he said.

This skill was enhanced in children with imaginary friends because they became "the writer, producer, director and actor in their own play".

"It is a different form of interaction [than with real friends]. They are creating dialogue for themselves, but also for their imaginary friend.

Among the examples encountered in the study were some very funny stories, including the boy with an imaginary wife and an imaginary baby. But the wife wasn't the mother of his child, she was a nurse who travelled internationally." When asked where the wife was, the boy replied: "I divorced her. She talked too much."

Then there was the imaginary friend known as "Shot through the heart." Apparently the child’s mother was a Bon Jovi fan!!

According to Dr Kidd imaginary friends are very common, with estimates suggesting up to 65 per cent of children have them. They are most common among only children or first-borns aged between four and the start of primary school. However, they are not a sign of a lonely child, but a child who has a strong creative side.

Which does sound like my son, who has always been good at imaginary and creative play. He’s not the least bit interested in playing with his cars or trains, but get him to put on a concert or pretend to be something and he’s content for hours. Child of a performer, I guess!

I do often forget about this extra child I now have though and have been guilty of ‘neglecting’ him on more than one occasion. Jamison often has to remind me to give Teetee a drink, or brush his teeth and sometimes when I kiss him good night he informs me that I missed his head! But the worst imaginary Mummy guilt came the other day, when I forgot to put Teetee’s seat belt on. We reached our destination and when Jamison realised Teetee had been riding without his seatbelt all hell broke loose. He sobbed uncontrollably while I apologised profusely. “But what if we had an accident Mum?” he asked through his tears. It’s not enough to have mother guilt for my own child, I now have it for an imaginary one too!!

Interestingly though, Jamison seems to know who will go along with the idea of Teetee and who won’t. When he took him to preschool the other morning I was surprised when his teacher told me he hadn’t mentioned him all day. When I asked him why he didn’t tell his friends about Teetee and he replied, “They might hurt him.”

I have to admit, I’m kind of glad that Teetee is able to come and go, so that Jam still plays with his real friends instead of sitting in the corner talking to himself. But then, if that’s what makes him happy, that’s ok with me too.

I don’t know how long this will last, but as long as it does Teetee will be part of our family and we will all include him in our lives. And I will try not to forget his seatbelt again!


Here are some ways you can respond to your child's imaginary friend, thanks to the Child Youth Health website:

* Let your child take the lead in how you respond. If it is a private relationship and the child wants you to stay out of it follow that lead. If you are asked to join in the play then do so. Usually you will be asked to make room for the friend in different ways such as providing a seat in the car, not sitting on the friend in a chair and maybe providing things like a cup or plate for the friend.

* While accepting the way your child wants you to act towards the friend it is helpful if you don't get too involved and take over or add your own ideas to the story. It helps your child to work out what is real and what isn't if you stay grounded in the real world most of the time and if you take over or add to the story you are taking from your child's need to create her own story.

* If the friend is always to blame when the child does something wrong it will be helpful to take it out of a "blame" situation. For example if the child says his magic bunny spilt the milk you could say that mistakes are to learn from and that you will help him to clean up the mess for the bunny.

* As your child gets older try to provide lots of enjoyable experiences with real children and real things so the friend will gradually not be as interesting or attractive as the real world, and will disappear.

* Remember that being three or four years old in an expanding world can be scary and that by having a friend to help him through this time your child is being both resourceful and creative.
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Does your child have an imaginary friend? Or, did you have one as a child and, if so, have you ended up in a creative profession? It will be interesting to see if the study is right!

[JackiOT]

Imaginary friends are very cute!

Just wanted to let you know that TeeTee (also can be written Titi or DiDi) is cantonese for little brother.

[AmityD]

How interesting! Thanks for that bit of info JackiOT.

[susieq3]

DS1 had an imaginary friend from about 2 1/2 or 3 - he was called 'Dubby' & of course got to do everything he wanted! We played along & about 1 year ago he just went away - occassionally my son now 5 1/2 talks about him & proudly says I had an imaginary friend - it was a fun thing & like your son's Tee Tee he used to come and go!

[threetimesblesse...]

My son is 4.5 yrs and has an imaginary friend. I'm glad to read that children don't develop imaginary friends because they are lonely, as I was concerned about this.
His friend is sometimes present for many days at a time and sometimes isn't mentioned for weeks. His name remains the same but sometimes he lives at number 26, other times at number 11, sometimes he lives in the city and then one week he lives in the country etc.
It can be highly entertaining! Thanks for the hints on dealing with imaginary friends!

[tess08]

DS1 had an imaginary friend, he was a robot brother and his name was Jack. Once DS2 came along Jack appeared less and less often and I can't remember the last time Jack came to visit. But it was fin while he was here - although Jack got blamed for an awful lot of misdoings

[LemonLyman]

Very sweet, Amity!

I saw a story on Catalyst (I think) about imaginary friends, which also discussed the link with intelligence. And it sounds like you may have a son with hitherto unknown bilingual skills!

My 2.5 y.o DD doesn't have an imaginary friend, but she does alot of pretending to be different animals and other characters. I have to answer 'yes, Baby Dinosaur/Cat/Fireman' while we're conversing like this (and naturally I'm 'Mummy Whatever'). We also have conversations with her teddies, dolls, and other toys - someone has to hold whoever she is talking to and do the other part of the conversation. She asks them all the questions and discusses all the things that she usually does with us ('I'm having pasta bake for dinner', 'are you going to bed now?' etc) and I can see her little mind ticking over as she chats away. It's very interesting and entertaining and I can see that imaginary friends would be too.

Good to see some research that indicates it's not necessarily something to be concerned about, and I've enjoyed reading all the stories in this thread so far.

[KandLM]

This was very interesting, thanks for sharing your research and personal experiences with us Amity. I now am well informed for when and if this does happen,

[bugalugs90]

Why does everyone think that children have imaginary friends? If this were true, then wouldn't you expect it to be on a much less regular occurrence? Are we not capable as children to have connections with other souls who do not have physical bodies? As an observer of a young child who had a special frend, I was under no delusion that the friend was indeed, a real being, with thoughts and feelings. There were specific items of knowledge that the child in question could not possibly have known anything of
(historical - ancestory within the family). Please do not be so quick to disregard the friends that young children have found. They (young children) are more attuned to the universe than we have become.

Spooked the hell out of me.

[libbylu]

My 3 year old went through a stage of imaginary friends about 6 months ago......Maisy Mouse was the most prominent. She came out of the television one day and joined the family for a month or two. I even had to serve food and set a place for her at dinner. She sat on my son's lap in the car, etc. Then a few other times when he has met someone who made an impression (an actual person), an imaginary version of that person would make regular visits...he would hear them knock at the door, open it up and say hello and they would join in our activities for a few days. It is interesting that all his imaginary friends have not been created by himself, but 'borrowed' from reality. We haven't had any for a while though. He has always been a chatty child, always wanting someone to talk to, and has always done a lot of pretend play. He is certainly bright with good language skills, but not any more creative than the average kid I don't think.