[Jo]

Please share your ideas on how you have supported others, and the things others did to support you which you found helpful.

Ideas of things you may like to include are:

• The things people said
• The gifts they gave
• Gestures of support
• Poems/writings
• Support Groups

[alliecat]

A few things that I can think of off the top of my head...

- send a card (and a small gift if it feels right to do so)at the time of the birth / death and use the babys name
- remember them on the due date if this is still to come and send them a note, card or message of support then also
- listen often and long, provide opportunities for the bereaved parents to vent, cry or express emotion as often as they need, don't dismiss them even if quite some time has passed
- make a note of the date and remember them with a card or message in subsequent years, especially the first year.
- remember all the 'firsts' are hard, eg first Christmas, first anniversary, first Mothers and Fathers days, next babies born to other people, next pregnancy etc and be sensitive to that
- don't forget the dad

Some of my favourite gifts at the time were a plant that flowers at the same time of year, a (Willow Tree) angel ornament, butterfly mementos, a special photo frame, a small teddy bear, a special piece of jewellery (in my case it was an angel charm with a pink stone). Anything that is given with thought will be generally well received and most probably treasured.

All I can think of for now, hope that helps

(edited for spelling)

This post has been edited by alliecat: 30/01/2008, 10:13 AM

[Grobanite]

Some things that really helped me.

1. Lend a shoulder and/or an ear. My Sister let me ring her anytime just to cry and vent my feelings onto her after I lost Samuel. She still lets me vent from time to time when I need it.

2. I also agree with the card or note using the babys name. not only can it be of great comfort but it can be something to put in a memory box for the baby.

3. Also if you are ok with this and you feel the parents are ok also ask questions about the birth and ask to see photo's of the baby if some were taken. This seems to be done with living children but not so much when a baby dies. For me when my family and friends did this with Samuel this let me know that my family and friends considerd Samuel to be a part of our family.

4. I also agree with remembering the Dad. He is greiving too and will most times not show it like the mum.

5. Be there for the family on the whole. Cook them meals as that is the last thing on your mind after you've lost a baby. If they have other kids offer to babysit or take the kids out for a few hours so the parents can grieve alone and in peace.

6. I also agree with remembering Christmas time and birthdays etc. Christmas last year was just really horrible and hard for me and it was nice to have people close to me acknowledge that and help me through it.

[antz-pantz]

1. Lend a shoulder and/or an ear. My Sister let me ring her anytime just to cry and vent my feelings onto her after I lost Samuel. She still lets me vent from time to time when I need it.

this was great support for me,just telling the person that your there really helps.

remember the day the child passed(edd,birthday,xmas),a card or small gift is so special,and is well loved.

make sure the daddy has time out to talk with friends or family.

never be scared to say the babys name its lovely to know people still remember the baby.

a coffee and chat came make all the difference to their day,i know it did for me.

CHRISTMAS ANGEL POEM


I met you once.
You were so small, and special.
I was awkward as I held you,
So afraid that you would break,
and amazed as you gripped my finger.
Now you are four months old,
but where are you, little harley?

No need for the hat and gloves I picked so
carefully for you.
No trucks and cars and mud for you,
no swings or bicycles.
Mummy and daddy want you home,
and big brother wants to play
I will visit you at the beach
where we said our last goodbyes
and know that one day i will meet
you again and hold you close to me,
We will always miss you little man.
you are our sweet christmas baby angel.

MORE POEMS
http://members.essentialbaby.com.au/index....howtopic=457791
http://members.essentialbaby.com.au/index....howtopic=470615

[MagentaBaby]

* The things people said

1. One acquaintance offered that I could say anything. With her gentle and well placed questions, I found I did say quite a lot.
2. Another good friend established up front that she felt devastated (for how this had impacted her life and that of her family's), this was comforting somehow - but I do believe it has to be said appropriately. There was no ownership of my grief and pain and she did not make it about her. (Hard to explain! But relevant, because it was very relieving to hear she knew a little of my pain because it had also effected the course of her life so much)

* The gifts they gave

Plants - they were difficult to receive, as there is great pressure to keep them alive. We have one very special rose from an old family friend which luckily is well established in a big terracotta planter.
IMHO plants aren't the best (unless it is a hardy plant which can be potted and easily moved in case the family ever moves house).

* Gestures of support

1. DO provide food in the early days and weeks. Don't offer, just do it. Nothing fussy, just simple soups or things that can be frozen. Make them hearty, nurturing foods. DH and I only ate because a friend cooked big soups for us - and we only ate it because we felt obliged If we didn't have that, we may not have eaten much, if at all.
2. Keep in touch with your loved one. When you do phone, don't feel you have to fill silences. Be paced by the parent's responses to you and don't "overstay your welcome". They don't have to be long phone calls/visits, even 5 mins is all that's needed some days, as it is far better (in my experience) to have frequent but very short contact than it is to have loooong calls or drop ins that are mostly taken up by the supporter talking about their day, when all the bereaved parent may want to do is curl up in a ball. Or talk about their feelings and/or their baby. Give them that space, always.
3. Expect that they may take many months to seem more like that person you know again. And even then, on days when they are more quick to tears or seem more bitey than usual, give them that same space. Remember they are forever changed, whether they like it/realise it or not, and be guided by their individual timeframe to healing, not your perceived one. Partners within the relationship don't always heal at the same time either - when they are both as low as they may ever get, it is even more difficult for one to pull the other one out of the muck. While it's not a supporters 'responsibility' to rescue them from this stage of grief, a very sympathetic ear may do wonders to get them through another day or hour.

* Poems/writings

Despite requesting we did not want cards at DD's memorial, a couple of people did give them. I cherish them to this day and wish in hindsight I had not asked for gestures like this not to be given. The main thing is, the cards we were given were true heartfelt expressions - they say more than simply "I am sorry for your loss" - so if you are going to give a card, perhaps write from your heart without over-expressing (very hard to balance but you cannot go wrong if you are genuine).

* Support Groups

EB has been the most open and supportive place for me. SIDS & Kids was also excellent (phone support), I could not face going to any of the meetings as I did not want to hurt more by hearing others' pain (apparently this is quite common). Once I was ready to step out and give more, EB appeared in an internet search I was doing - I would recommend the boards here, it can be quite cathartic just to write and share that way.


ONGOING: I cannot stress enough that once the initial shockwave dissipates and people go back to their normal daily lives, the parents included, it is very easy to forget anniversaries (of EDD's and/ or birthday, as well as anniversary of passing). There is nothing more heartwarming than to receive a card or call - even an sms - on ALL of these days. Every year. Not just the first or second. It is like asking a parent to choose when they want their living child/ren's birthdays to stop being celebrated. Those anniversaries will forever be there, every year, so it would be a lovely gesture to have them remembered every year.



Thanks to the member who suggested this sticky If I think of anything else along the way, I'll be back to post more.

This post has been edited by MagentaBaby: 08/02/2008, 10:01 AM

[joey-annie]

Hi Ladies

My comments are mainly confirming those already mentioned.
I've just given a friend a beautiful journal book in which she can write her thoughts and feelings - her baby is not developing properly and at 20 weeks she's got some tough decisions to make and tougher times ahead. Once thing I did do for her was to remind her that there will be plenty of time to grieve and at the moment she can still enjoy the pregnancy. I wish now we had spent more time enjoying having a 24 weeker for 6 days instead of grieving even before she died!

I also read recently about a scientific stufy into happiness and it suggested that at the end of each day write down 2 or 3 things that did make you happy - it can be simply that the sun is shining, a card, a phone call, a funny story - as time goes on you'll notice more important thinks that make you happy and it'll help you move to a more "happy" time in your life and beyond the darkness.

I also have one friend who sent me an email on our DD's due date and again a couple of weeks after our most recent loss - it's nice that someone recognises that the sorrow doesn't end and takes a long time to heal - that's been such a wonderful support.

Take care
Joanne

[Mariamsmum]

Thank you for this thread

I also just wanted to confirm what everybody has said...

but I also wanted to emphasise what Magentababy said:

ONGOING: I cannot stress enough that once the initial shockwave dissipates and people go back to their normal daily lives, the parents included, it is very easy to forget anniversaries (of EDD's and/ or birthday, as well as anniversary of passing). There is nothing more heartwarming than to receive a card or call - even an sms - on ALL of these days. Every year. Not just the first or second. It is like asking a parent to choose when they want their living child/ren's birthdays to stop being celebrated. Those anniversaries will forever be there, every year, so it would be a lovely gesture to have them remembered every year

.

althogh the first year was hard, the second anniversary of Mariam's birth and death almost went without acknowledgement by my friends (my immediate family were the only ones who remembered). In some ways that made the second anniversary harder...

so make a note in your diary and acknowledge, even in the smallest way, via a phone call, card, or visit, each and every anniversary of the baby's birth, death or EDD.

I'll come back if there is anything more that I think of

[yankmomof3]

First of all, I think this is a WONDERFUL topic, that everyone (not just those who have lost a baby) should read.

I totally agree with what everyone else has posted. All of those ideas are important steps in grieving and healing.

We got so many flowers the week after we lost our son, that I started to hate when I heard a knock at the door. It was like "Oh no, here come MORE flowers to keep alive." While they were all beautiful and sent with much love, I didn't have the energy to water them all the time (and it was really hot outside!) We ended up requesting that people donate to the Stillbirth Foundation at the funeral, rather then sending more flowers. Hopefully the foundation got plenty of helpful money, in the memory of our baby.

A few people gave us presents, that I will always cherish. We got two "Willow Tree" angels which I love.

Also, my 2 best friends bought me a beautiful locket to wear. They had Gabriel's name engraved on the back and I put a photo in it. (Someone even suggested that I could 'glue' some of bub's ashes in the other half, and treat the locket as cremation jewelry- which apparently exists.) Either way, I love wearing my baby around my neck, close to my heart. It was the best idea and something I will have forever.

Oh, and my one suggestion (that hasn't been made) is:

Not to forget other existing children. With everyone so wrapped up with supporting the parents, I think the kids often get overlooked. My son's kinder teacher came to the funeral/wake, for us, and for him. At the wake, she played cricket with him outside for over an hour. It was lovely that someone paid him extra attention.

We also found a website that makes personalized teddybears. Both of my boys have chosen a bear, his jumper and what they want written on it. It's a bit on the costly side, but they can't wait til their "Gabe bears" come in the mail.

This post has been edited by yankmomof3: 01/04/2008, 10:21 AM

[irishmum]

This is something that really helped me.

BEREAVED PARENTS WISH LIST

I wish Bailey hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. Bailey lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about Bailey, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. Bailey's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about Bailey; my favorite topic of the day.

I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my Bailey's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of Bailey until the day I die.

I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss Bailey and I will always grieve that he is dead.

I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself. I don't want to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

Your advice to "take it one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When Bailey died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before Bailey died and I will never be that person again.

I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand my loss and my grief. But, I pray daily that you will never understand.

The Elephant In The Room
By Terry Kettering

There's an elephant in the room
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it
Yet we squeeze by it with "How are you"? and "I'm fine,"
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather
We talk about work
We talk about everything else, except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room
We all know it's there
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very large elephant.
It has hurt us all.

But we don't talk about the elephant in the room.
Oh please say his name
Oh please say his name again
Oh, please let's talk about the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about his death, perhaps we can talk about his life
Can I say his name to you and not have you look away?
For if I cannot, then you are leaving me....
Alone...
In a room...
With an elephant.

Would you let me talk about my baby that died?

Would your heart be open to all the sadness that’s still inside of me?

Would you listen as I would tell you of the joy he gave to me?

Would you want to hear about his sweet beautiful, perfect face,

The toes and fingers that were all there?

Would you change the subject when I told you about his naming ceremony shortly before he died?

That they took off all the wires and tubes and that his life truly was coming to an end?

Would your face change when I told you that in my arms, he died?

Would you get up and walk away from me if I just had to tell you more?

About the perfection I held in my arms for such a very, very short time.

The tears I cried could have made a river as I had to let him go

Would you help to wipe away the tears as I told you more?

About the months he’s travelled with me in my heart and in my mind

Would you hug me and just listen about the pain that I endured?

Would you just be there quietly open to all the feelings I may need to express?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then you have passed the test So many others could have failed and I would be alone, with no friend to share my precious son's life. I can’t and won’t forget him and I need to be able to talk about him. He is very real and precious to me. And you just passed the test.

Written by Sheryl Mc Mahon, Mummy to Alison Hannah, one of Bailey's angel friends.

A Grieving Parent is...

A grieving parent is someone who will never forget their child no matter how painful memories are.

A grieving parent is someone who yearns to be with their dead but cannot concieve leaving their living ones.

A grieving parent is someone who has part of a heart as the rest has gone with their child.

A grieving parent is someone who begs for relief from the memories which plague them and then feel guilty when they get it.

A grieving parent is someone who pretends to be happy and enjoying life when they are really dying inside.

A grieving parent someone who can cry or laugh at the drop of a hat whenever they remember their beloved child.

A grieving parent is someone who feels as if they have just lost their child yesterday no matter how much time has passed.

A grieving parent is someone who fears for their remaining family because they cannot bear to have any more loss.

A grieving parent is someone who sits by their child's grave and feels a knife stabbing their heart.

A grieving parent is someone who wants to help others who have lost a loved one because somehow others loss is theirs all over again.

[MagentaBaby]

I very much hope this is ok to do... it is a post made by fallingstar in this thread here. If not, Mods, pls delete my post here (I just thought it would be very useful in this ongoing stickied topic, as fallingstar's suggestions are so pertinent).

Definitely acknowledge her baby by name. Everyone reacts so differently-i know though that i didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me, just sorry and sad with me. Just let her know you are thinking about her and her child. A photo album or journal are things that she may appreciate. A food basket or drop some meals/groceries around. This was one of the most helpful things anyone did for us, cooking or going to the shop was just not an option for quite some time....

The other thing that came to mind, reading the above quoted post was, don't ask.... please just do. Obviously, it's important not to be too overbearing with this, so a gentle manner would be wise - newly bereaved parents are especially raw in their grief and for a time, everything will probably be feeling like it is moving way too fast. Things feel louder, crowds seem much thicker. It may be very difficult to go out for some time.
If you are looking to support someone - whether they are a close friend or just a loose acquaintance but someone you feel compelled to reach out to - please remember to slow your pace, be gentle, don't push yourself on them. But do check in. Often. Little visits, very short calls. Be gentle but persistent, I cannot stress this enough.

If you are uncertain what to say, say nothing Your task is really, though daunting to you, quite straightforward. Just be there. Offer some open questions if you feel safe enough to ask them. But remember, you are that parent's safe place to talk too. Don't apologise for your tears, that parent will know why they are falling and those tears will be appreciated. But do stop short of making their pain yours (if that makes sense!).

I hope this helps. Am rambling (oh, again!), so time to stop. I could go on, this list could get quite huge Good luck to all who read this thread.



This post has been edited by MagentaBaby: 31/01/2009, 01:50 PM