[Eviesmum]

The preschool told me they want to hold DS back to do another year of preschool. He is 5 in December and he missed half this year due to a broken leg.

They feel that while his intellectual development is spot on he isnt emotionally ready for school yet. They think he is a bit immature and would struggle.

I am quite upset mainly as I didnt see this coming and feel like I have failed. Of course I will hold him back I want him to have every advantage but I am not sure in what ways I can help him.

He asks for assistance alot from the teachers and doesnt seem to have the confidence to perform tasks himself. He tends to sit back in groups and doesnt like having everyones focus on him. They want him to develop more self esteem and confidence and try out more tasks on his own before he moves on to Prep.

I am so confused. I am not sure if it is because I spent so much time with him and babied him too much or because in the last 6 months due to my DD speech issues and me starting a new job that I havent spent enough time with him so he is seeking it from other adults. Although he is very demanding of your attention he isnt happy unless the focus at home is on him 100% of the time.

I just feel lost and confused as to how to help him build this esteem I am always telling him he is fabulous and that I adore him (my whole family finds it nauseating) but I just feel like I am failing.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How did it work for you? Any advice for me?

I might post this is WDYT as well. I need all the help I can get

[happygurl06]

I'm sorry by my DD is only 2 so I have no experiences of this I just wanted to offer {{{hugs}}} to you.

Dont blame yourself... we have many years ahead of us where our kids will do that for us!!!

[PMU]

Hi there,

I am a mum, who has been through this with my DD and a teacher, so I'll see if I can help you out a bit by relaying what worked for us.

Firstly - as a teacher and a mum, I would say that you are doing the right thing by holding him back. Boys tend to mature later than girls - especially in the teen years. Boys who are a little older, tend to be more resilient, less swayed by peer pressure and perform better academically. So by holding him back, you are securing a good foundation for these things.

Don't blame yourself. All kids are different. I think as mum's, when things don't go as planned, we instantly look at ourselves and try and find where we went wrong. Rather than try to find what you have done wrong - focus on what you have done right. Your DS is obviously a sensitive, caring child - and wouldn't we all like to see more men like this in the world.

You may find that by repeating the preschool year, he will be able to achieve tasks more easily the second time around, thus experiencing more success, which in turn will boost his self esteem and this will hopefully create a bit of a self serving cycle ie: success equals a boost in self esteem.

As for babying him....hmmmm, I know all about this. My DD has some serious health issues and additional needs and I was so pertified to 'let ler go'. Yes, I babied her ALOT. She was also a very clingy child - probably because of her situation (being very sick and fragile) and the fact that I did everything for her (some of this was necessay, because she is globally delayed)...anyhow...what we discovered is that she was 'scared' of acting independently and was always looking for adult company and reinforcement. And the fact that I always praised her (as you mentioned) was only reinforcing her need to be around adults and seek their approval. Now I should point out, the answer was NOT to stop praising her.....all kids need this, but instead to teach her independence and allow her to enjoy this and feel like a 'big girl' and to praise her independence. I found this very hard as she was still a baby to me....at 3, she couldn;t talk, was struggling with things like climbing, had major health issues etc. But what helped was simple exercises like allowing her to walk when we were out and about (previously, I had always put her in a pusher), allowed her to help me with some more adult tyoe activites, like drying the dishes or helping me find things at the supermarket. Also, encouraging her to be more independent a kinder, by packing and unpacking her own bag, taking ona leadership role in some of the kinder activities...like putting out the sand pit toys, acting out characters from the story......all really simple things but all of these things helped her to realise that she was growing up and helped to build her self esteem.

I can't say whether these things will work for you, but it is certainly helping us. I has taken a good few months of hard work to see a change in my DD, but she is certainly blossoming ATM.

[Eviesmum]

Thanks everyone

We will hold him back I have been doing some reading and it seems the best option. I will see the ECHN and see what other things they think might help him. I was thinking of a day of child care a week as well. What do you think?

[silne]

Whilst I can't relate personally to having a child that has been held back, I do have two younger siblings who were both 'held back' in pre-school, and I was held back in high school. My youngest brother and my sister were both 'held back' and it was great for them! My sister is a November baby and my brother is a December baby, so they weren't really all THAT much older than the oldest kids in their class (remember it's only a month from December to January!) and they both matured emotionally during that year.

I, on the other hand, wasn't held back until Year 11 Yes folks, that's when they realised that I was too emotionally immature to continue to Year 12 and graduate at 17. I think I'd have preferred being held back in pre-school to the humiliation of repeating year 11. It's a lot simpler to have them repeat a year when they don't really understand the implications than it is to repeat a year when you feel the entire school is watching.

[JKTMum]

Do any schools around you run transition or pre prep? It may be an alternative if you think he will be bored doing preschool again.

They are sort of like a half step for kids who have done a year in preschool but are not quite ready for Prep. They do much the same as the real Prep class but without the pressure to perform at Prep standard. At the end of the pre prep year the decision is made whether they are capable to go into year 1 or will go into full prep the following year, based on their progress.

Holding him back will not do him any harm, but starting him when he isn't ready could do real harm to his already fragile self esteem which may last years. You want his first year of school to be a positive experience and kids with more emotional dependencies have to get over those first before they are capable of focussing on the academics.

My DD1 was March, so I deferred her and she has done extremely well being that bit older.

Do not feel like you have failed your DS, you haven't.

[*blessed*r*we*]

Firstly - as a teacher and a mum, I would say that you are doing the right thing by holding him back. Boys tend to mature later than girls - especially in the teen years. Boys who are a little older, tend to be more resilient, less swayed by peer pressure and perform better academically. So by holding him back, you are securing a good foundation for these things.

Completely agree, preschool/kindy/primary teacher here. Listen to your early childhood teacher, they know all about school readiness, and you must remember or focus on that readiness for school these days is not about academic readiness, its' about social/confidence readiness ...

Have a read of these articles, Kathy Walker has become a prominent figure in education these days amongst primary schools (if you've of integrating devleopmental play into the curriculum)...

whats the fuss about school readiness

when children are not ready for school

school readiness ~ ready or not?

parents perspective on school readiness

While teaching 4 yr old preschool, I must say the few children we asked parents to hold back and do preschool again, the ones that sent their children onto school, the children were all kept down that first year of school because they just weren't ready! Not the case for all, but for the majority!

You certainly should not feel a failure or anything like that, you should be focusing on what the's best way to give my child the best start to his educational schooling Why rush him if he's not ready, wouldn't you rather give him that extra year to grow into his maturity, into his confident, resilient social little self? And then watch him blossom as he takes on school in 2009!

[rileys-mum]

I can talk personally from my own experience. I was born in december and 8 weeks prem. I started school with everyone else even though i was a year behind. I didn't feel like I caught up until I was 14 (that is a long time - trying to play catch up with every one else.). I wish i has been kept down a year -- i really would have helped me.

I agree with othes -- i won't hurt to hold him back

[*blessed*r*we*]

I can talk personally from my own experience. I was born in december and 8 weeks prem. I started school with everyone else even though i was a year behind. I didn't feel like I caught up until I was 14 (that is a long time - trying to play catch up with every one else.). I wish i has been kept down a year -- i really would have helped me.

way back when we went to school in victoria, school age entry cut off was the end of June I was a june baby and they based school readiness on whether you still had an afternoon sleep or not Academically it was no problems for me at all, mum did say however, that once I got into the senior secondary area, the social part was hard, especially year 12 (vce) when I was 16 and everyone was turning 18, likewise first year of university I was 17 amongst 19 year olds Thank goodness I had tall gene's! I'm sure mum wonders whether if she'd held me back a year, that I may have been more comfortable amongst people my own age in yr 11/12, rather than trying to keep up with everyone, if that makes sense ??

[mummytojackandla...]

Hi there

as the wife of a lower primary deputy principal I must say that I found it interesting to hear they are going to keep your son down. I was under the impression this was not a common practice anymore and that children would be nutured through the next level of schooling by a teacher who was made aware of the previous years concerns.

Having said that I am by nooo means an expert and you should listen to the people around your son everyday. I just wanted to make the comment thats all. You and his teachers will make the best decision for him and I hope all goes well.

My son was born on the 30th June and we have been grappling with the fact that he will be the youngest when he starts school. It terrifies me that he may not be emotionally ready to be in that situation. I have started him at daycare one full day a week (he is 2 now and started at 18 months) in a hope to socialise him now to get him ready for school.

And I agree with PP, you haven't failed him whatsoever - the fact you are concerned and upset about this issue goes to prove what a wonderful, attentive and caring mum you are. You only have his best interests at heart.

Good on you and I just know it will work out.

Cheers
Gill