[Mandy12]

I am completely exhausted just reading this thread .

The only couple I know who truly have it all but are not obsessed with how much they have to work and who don't itemise EVERYTHING they do each day just to prove how busy they are, are a couple, both professionals but who both work part time. He works 3 days, she works 3 days, the kids go to childcare one day per week and the rest of the time they have a parent home. They survive on a reduced income and work because they choose to. The more men who do this, the more acceptable it will become.

People make all sorts of excuses as to why this isn't possible but there is no excuse for being so busy that quality of life is sacrificed in the name of having it all. In my opinion children are better off in a relaxed household where mum and dad have time for each other, themselves and their children.

I would go as far to say that the idea of having it all is rampant narcissism and unfortunately children and family life are the victims of this sad trend.

This post has been edited by Melanie46: 17/04/2012, 12:08 PM

[Lisy-lis]

I think I've had it all - good education. Interesting and well paying careers. Lovely husband, home and baby.

It took 28 years and in the beginning I worked very hard, and in the end I was very very lucky.

I was educated, had great career choices and travelled. Hard work.
I married at 42 and became a mother at 44. Good luck.

You can have it all, just not all at once.

[HelpAndAdvice]

I agree it certainly doesn't seem easy. Is it such a problem if we don't have it all?

I often wonder this. My husband is happy to work while I stay at home. Friends who are feminists think this is unthinkable whilst other friends think that women who just spend time on their career are without a soul.

I think the biggest problem might be us! We over think, and over question. Maybe we just need to sit back and enjoy life wherever we are in life - kids, career, both, etc.

Best wishes to all of you

[DW2202]

I once read a book (cheap trashy novel, but one thing stuck with me) with the comment that women don't 'have' it all they just 'do it all'.

Interestingly enough the responses here seem to indicate that 'doing it all' is equated to 'having it all'.

Are we all crazy?!

[Bubble11]

I agree it certainly doesn't seem easy. Is it such a problem if we don't have it all?
I think the biggest problem might be us! We over think, and over question. Maybe we just need to sit back and enjoy life wherever we are in life - kids, career, both, etc.

I'm going to be a SAHM when our baby is born. But I don't have any choice, it was kids or work because of my disability. I can't have it all. But why would you want it all? When wanting it all seems to equate to feeling constant guilt and rushing between career, family, housework, friends, and never feeling your giving enough to any of them. I loved working before I got sick, but I always intended to take a break when we had a family and go back part time, then full time when youngest was in pre-school or school. I figure we have to make choices, women & men. We have to chose what we want from life. More money, or time with kids? A part time job that pays less and is unforefilling or a better job with responsiblity & guilt that we can't meet the standards we set for ourselves. I know choices aren't always that simple, but there are choices. And I know lots of families who could, if they wanted afford to live on one income, but don't. Some want the regular big holidays, new cars, a bigger house. So part of it is priorities, not everyone, but some people at least could live on less and chose not to. If your working to pay basic bills and survive, obviously you have no choice but if your working cause you want the nicer things in life, well that's a choice.

I think that guilt is part of being female. Guys don't feel the same guilt. I feel bad when I'm too sick to do the little bit I do around the house, or when I think about how hands on DH is going to have to be, how much extra he's going to have to do once the baby arrives. Because I simply can't do it. I will literally collapse. But when DH comes home and there's piles of washing, or he has to Iron after work or he has no boxers to wear and I say sorry I was too sick to get anything done today, well he doesn't see any reason for me to be sorry, or feel guilty. If he has the energy he just does it himself, and all he wants in return is smile and a thanks or a hug. The way DH sees it is, I do what I'm capable of, thats it, so long as I do that I don't need to feel bad or guilty, but I struggle to see it the same way. You do the best you can. But we don't see it that way, we waste energy feeling guilty about everything. Women feel guilty if they have to leave work early, or pick up a sick kid and miss the day, or if dinner isn't healthy & fresh, or if the house is messy....... and so on. Guys shrug it off more. And some of it we bring on ourselves, cause we think others think badly of us. DH is a manager and if someone has to leave early cause of a sick kid, or wife he doesn't think badly of them, why should he and why should they feel guilt. It's NOT your fault, you can't control it. He just says the people that are left in the office have to pick up the slack or if the person can they work late, when things are a bit better. Plus he see's what goes around comes around. So a mate of his is having paternity leave soon, he'll have to pick up more work. But when he goes on paternity leave next year his mate will have to work a bit harder. So it all works out in the end. And the fathers in the office, well maybe the don't leave often to pick up their sick kids, but when the mothers in the office leave to look after sick kids they have to pick up the slack, so it evens out in a global sense. Seems fair to me .

Having it all means you've found a balance, a place where you can be happy and do enough in the bits of your life that matter to you. It doesn't mean doing it all, that's no fun.

[Escapin]

Firstly, my DH does his fair share, ie when we're both home (I'm currently on mat leave), if there's things to be done, we go halves.

Secondly, I've worked bl**dy hard to get my career to the point where I could take 2 years mat leave and not completely trash it.

When I go back to work next year, DD will be getting a nanny, and DH and I will be getting a more regular cleaner and other home help if required. I don't feel in the least bit guilty about this.

Yes, I'm lucky to have enough income to afford it, yes I'm lucky that my career is where it is, yes I'm lucky that my DH actually does his fair share. But really, some of this isn't about luck is it? And yes, since you ask, I'm a rabid feminist and wouldn't for a moment put up with the crap that most women seem to from their partner.

[Mandy12]

That's great and congratulations to you. The reason you will stay sane though is because you can hire less well paid women to do a lot of work for you. You are not having it all you are having things the way you want them. I don't criticise you for this.

However many women don't have the money to pay for a Nanny and for cleaners and so having it all means being exhausted even if their partners go halves in everything. Without the Nanny and cleaners to make life a bit easier, having it all means exhaustion and dissatisfaction. I have a career, I have a scientific career, scientists are paid barely more than someone who works in a supermarket, when I tried to have it all I hated my life.

I love being at home now and even though my partner was perfectly helpful and went halves I hated every minute of trying to work and be the kind of parent I wanted to be.

So I chose to slow down and it is fabulous. There is so much more to life than obsessing about work.

[Marina81]

I'm new (hi) but I just had to say something after reading this thread.

I had it all and lost a lot of it. What we think is everything is determined by socially constructed ideals.

After a marriage breakdown and a total life upheaval (thankfully I still have 75% custody of my children), I am learning about what 'having it all' really means to me.

It's personal but instead of letting others tell me what I should want and aspire to in life, I am now learning about what really matters. And sometimes you don't have to fit into a perfect category to be at your happiest.

Best to you all

[261071v]

I don't think you can have it all when both partners work full time corporate hours-something has to give, and I suspect that its going to be the kids- and I say that as someone who has had to explain to her daughter that her nanny will go see her award presentation (school gave a day's notice)

So in the meantime, one of us has to sacrifice to keep our family on track.

[trishalishous]

Ill admit that I was in the privileged position of being able to step back from my career for an extended amount of time, with no financial stress, if I chose to (Which I did)
I studied and partied, then worked and saved, then along came children. Im glad that things worked out that way, as I do feel that I did 'have it all' in each stage of my life.