[kylie]

I keep hearing women in their 20's & early 30s who describe growing up believing that feminism was about offering the ability to “have it all” – career, family, time for a relationship and time for you! Many say they are disappointed when they realize that you can’t really have it all and that the reality tends to be that mothers end up frantically trying to do too much and always feeling guilty because they feel that they are just not doing enough! Is that the case? What would you like teach your daughters to better prepare them?

Thank you to the members who joined us on "Mornings with Kerri-Anne" to discuss this morning. We have had a very strong response on this topic from members - share your thoughts with others here

Regards,
Kylie

[JEA]

I am 25 years old and have a beautiful, 15 month old Son, Aiden. I work, 4 days per week in a hectic recruitment role, but I have the privilege of being able to work from home on two of those days. This was fine whilst Aiden was younger, but now he is evolving into a toddler, he demands far more interaction and attention, which makes working from home very difficult. Because of this, I am more prone to spending time with him during the day and getting my work done when he goes to sleep. It is this routine that has equated to my constantly feeling guilt ridden, in all aspects of life - toward my Son, my Employer, my Husband and even myself.

I feel guilty that I cannot fully devote my attention to my Son, 7 days per week, because of my working commitments.

I feel guilty that I cannot commit myself 100% to my job and perform to my optimum, as I always did for the eight years before I had Aiden.

I feel guilty that because of my working in the evening, I spend less time with my Husband and my house is no longer consistently tidy and clean.

I feel guilty that due to all of my commitments, I no longer have time to take care of myself to the extent that I used to and that I have not yet lost the weight gained during my pregnancy.

The reason that I feel guilty is because there is a pressure as a woman - that is not verbally discussed, but simply exists - to juggle everything and everyone in your life and manage to perform in your job and generate an income, keep your house tidy, keep your family fed, keep your appearance up and keep your child nurtured.

My Husband is supportive, don't get me wrong, but I wonder why it is that it is automatically assumed by everyone, my Husband included, that it is MY responsibility to ensure that all of these things are done. Why is the same pressure not placed on men? Why do we now adhere to female stereotypes of the 50's and 60's when, predominantly, women did not work and were able to maintain their home and raise their children without the stress of managing employment as well?

I am managing, but I am sure that no matter how well I juggle my life there is always someone judging me for no longer being able to commit myself so fully to each separate aspect of my life. It is disappointing, but because of who I am and he responsibilities I carry, I am prepared to grin and bear it. After all, I have a beautiful child for whom I am grateful every day and despite it all, I am still taking the plunge and gearing up for baby number two, who we will hopefully conceive later this year. BRING IT ON!!!

[kenziegirl]

JEA wow your story is so very similar to my own. I also have a 15 month old daughter and I went back to full time when she was 8 months old - I had no choice. With travelling to work, it is 11.5 hours each day and she goes to Family Day Care, which she loves. My DH works longer hours than I do and although we go to work together, he doesn't get home until at least 1-2 hours after us. With everything I need to fit into a day, I don't have time to worry about myself and also haven't lost the weight I put on during my pregnancy because I eat the wrong food at the wrong times - I don't eat enough of the good stuff.

My job sometimes requires me to get in early in the morning, but this is hard as I need to drive my DD to childcare and she already starts at 7am, so getting there earlier isn't really an option. Between DH and myself we usually work it out, but it is a lot of chopping and changing with cars and picking the other one up at the end of the day, etc. in between doing all the other things that need doing. Staying back late is hard too because I need to be get home and pick her up as DH's job is more demanding than mine. My work know this though and are very supportive, which is great.

Then, when it comes to the weekend and I need to clean the house which is difficult because my DD requires lots of attention and my DH loves to catch up on sleep during the weekend. Sometimes I wish I could do the same, but I can't, there are things that need to be done.

I often wonder if I just stopped doing the: washing, ironing, vacuuming, mopping, dusting, bathrooms, feeding dogs, taking out trash, cleaning kitchen, stacking dishwasher, picking up after DD and DH, packing DD's bag each night, bathing and feeding DD, paying the bills and organising the family, what would happen. Would it all fall to pieces or would it just fall into place? I will probably never find out because I can't just sit there and think 'I'll just do it later'.

I do end up feeling guilty because I sometimes get annoyed that I can't do all the things I want to do around the house on a weekend and then I realise that my daughter is more important than housework. I get annoyed with myself for feeling that way.

BTW, we will also be TTC #2 towards the end of the year. I am hoping between now and then we can sort out our finances and I can stay off work much longer than I did with #1. I would love to be home with them until they reach schooling age, but I don't think that will be possible, the cost of living is just too expensive.

I do believe we try to cram too much into each day. I don't know about the expectations of other people - about what they expect of me, but I do know that my expectations of myself are quite high. If I don't achieve what I have set out to do each week then I am annoyed at myself. Whether this is because I feel pressured into what society expects of me I may never know. I just do what I have to do.

JAE and to other mums who are in the same boat, you're all doing a great job and I'm sure we are all appreciated in some way or another.

[leannecrouch]

Like the other dedicated Mum's here I strive to juggle a part-time job with caring for my two young daughters aged 1 and 2 and a 1/2, both of which require enormous energy and dedication as well as take care of the house, my girls' additional care arrangements, health and well-being. I agree this is extremely difficult, even if you have a supportive partner and family/friends. God forbid if you actually want to try to have some sort of social life of your own and continue to grow and develop yourself through courses, activities or joining social clubs and groups.

Most of the women I work with suffer from 'Mummy guilt' about the amount of time they spend with their children, the amount of attention and affection they reserve to their partner or what other people think of their mothering. On top of this a lot of my female workmates feel that there is added pressure at work to make sure that family life doesn't affect their work, and so we are working harder and longer hours to keep up with the men and avoiding talking about our kids and taking time off to spend time with them.

The advice I would offer my daughters is to come together with other women to strike a better balance between work life and family life by lobbying for more flexible working arrangements - more part-time or job-shared roles, work from home possibilities and school hours etc and that this be supported and endorsed at the highest level and also to be understanding of other women and their struggles.

[alisonrose]

Kylie,

This is definitely a topic I have given a bit of thought to. I have two daughters. One five year old who has just started school and a five month old. Before these two lovely additions I was a career oriented teacher who had achieved early promotion and was on track towards a glittering professional career. Things certainly changed when baby one came along and trying to juggle my previous ambitions with my new found and loved responsibilities definitely left me with more feelings of guilt than success in either department. It has taken me a number of years to realise that I can have it all but just not all at the same time!!

I would love to discuss these thoughts further but would obviously need some notice so as to organise for my husband to drop off daughter number one to school.

I look forward to your reply.

[angandbub]

Hi all,

Wow, we all feel guilty don't we? It's just the type that varies! I have a 7 month old gorgeous boy (hereafter referred to as 'GB') and returned to work part time when he was 6 months old. Before GB, I put in after hours, nights and weekends as part of my job as a high school Drama and Music teacher. When I went on maternity leave at 37 weeks pregnant, I was awash with guilt. How would work survive without me? How would Year 12 ever make it through their exams? How on earth would we pay the mortgage without my steady income? How can I clean the house when I can't get off the lounge without a support crew????

When GB landed in our lives, new guilty thoughts arrived to keep me entertained during the late night feeds. Am I good mother? Why can't I breastfeed like all the other mums at the clinic? Why did I eat all that chocolate in the last trimester? Why the hell didn't anyone warn me it was going to be so hard and terrifying?

With my husband working long hours and late nights running his own business I was terribly lonely. I was used to being surrounded by kids all day, with lots of conversation and creative activities. I began to miss work and longed for my old life back. Visiting work didn't help, as I just felt that they had replaced me and moved on - not true of course, but new mums are not known for their rational thinking skills.

So I felt guilty for leaving work. Then I felt guilty for feeling guilty for leaving work. And then, I felt guilty for feeling guilty that I felt guilty in the first place..........which led to a strange kind of Nirvana. I realised that no one can do it all and that's its ok to leave the dirty dishes in the sink and point them out to your husband later. I returned to my weekend sport, and chose not to feel guilty for reclaiming some 'me' time.

The return to work has been hard, as I do miss my GB during the day. But due to financial pressures I had no choice. So, things are a bit more hectic, hubby gave up a day at work, we eat more processed food than before and the house is under all the stuff somewhere - but who cares? We do what we do, not always because we want to, but because we have to.

The perfect mother is supposed to be so many things - full-time mum, full-time worker, wife, friend, cook, taxi service, cleaner, shopper, entertainer, craft enthusiast, interior decorator and my personal favourite - "well presented". So basically, the perfect mother is a very clever woman who has worked out how to clone herself about 3 times in order to get all these things done and look good doing them.

Yeah, right.

Let go of the guilt girls - our hands are full enough as it is!
Angela

[xenabonjovi]

I'm 32 with a 21mth old girl adn planning our second child. I work one day a week and attend TAFE 2 days a week.I went back to TAFE as where I live in the Mountains it is extremely difficult to get work as a mother. So through extra study I hope to be able to work in a more child friendly atmosphere.
I often feel guilty about not being home full time this mainly comes from my mother in law telling me that mothers should stay at home and husbands go to work. I also wish I could be able to be around my daughter a lot more than what I am I wish I could be the one that is teaching her the things she learns at day care.
I wish I could stay at home but financially it just would not work with no extra money no matter how little.
I feel as though the current generation has it harder in some levels of being a mother than previous generations, not that mothering is harder it has always been hard to be a mother. It's just that there is a lot more pressure to be the perfect mum. A mum that can balance work and family in the same way as previous generations did by only working when husband was home etc or waiting till the children had all gone to school before returning to the work force.
Previous to having my daughter I was working full time in what ever work I could and had done so since I was young and have craved to be back at that full time work atmosphere.
I would love to be able to teach my daughter that there is no such thing as the perfect mum just a well skilled and balanced mum.We can only be as good as we have learned to be. I also would like her to grow up thinking and knowing that no matter what is going on in her life or mine I will always love her and support her.I would hope that she grows to be strong in mind,and spirit.

[mum-5x]

i am almost 36 and a single mother of 5 (3boys 2girls) and i believe having a balance in everything and that just because u r a mum and/or a partner doesn't mean it should restrict u from all that the world has to offer yes we may b mums, partners, sisers, daughters etc but we r also people in our own right and were individuals before we became mums

i balance 1 at high school 3 at prmary school and 1 at kinder along with all the after school sprts and activities
as well i do belly dancing and go to the gym 4 times a week
i have a great mate in my xhusband, but have some hassle with the two dads of my eldest 2 kids
i also have a boyfriend of 4 months so am dealing with upcoming issues of the kids and him relating and the future contact with his 3 girls and x wife
every sunday we have dinner with my parents and have regular contact with my nan who lives in the same town
i am starting prep courses with the hope of doing a law degree next year and am looking to do part time work really soon
i believe a happy mum means a happy household and all too often we put our own needs and desires last to everyone else but we shouldn't b we have every right to our own lives that don't constantly involve our children
i deal with a medical condition (ulcerative colitis) and also medical conditions with my children including chronic asthma and coeliac disease
4 years ago before my condition was diagnosed i had 5 months bedridden in severe pain which outweighed the worst labour pain lol so i now live every day as a new opportunity for happiness and try to b a positive role model for my kids
happiness radiates fom the soul within and if as mums we're not happy then that radiates out to affect more people than just our immediate family
the most important thing is to put things into perspective, keep a balance and learn to say no plus it helps to pick ur battles u have with the kids not every battle is important enough to become world war 3 sometimes u need just to let it go and walk away
surround yourelf with a good and loving support network of people and enlist the help of your kids (they love to b part of it all) and treat urself with the same patience, love and respect that we so willingly give to everyone else but ourselves and then yes we can do everything
i'm no super mum and its tough at times but never would i ever think of giving up my rights to have it all
how can i expect my kids to do and b the best they can if i don't show them the way first???????

good luck girls
jodi
xx

[pipbern]

This will be written quite hastily as I need to get 7 year old DD off to school, 3 month old DS is teetering on the brink upstairs in his bouncer and the 7 year old DS will never get dressed unless I stand directly in front of him and harrass him.

The chance to go on a national show and discuss working mothers and the implications sounds amazing.

It would be really great if a debate/discussion was raised on making child care totally subsidised (i.e zero out of pocket expenses) to working mothers/fathers. That is, if you want to use child care purely to babysit whilst you do your shopping, coffee dates etc etc, you pay full price. Equal amounts of free child care for equal amounts you work. Pre-school being the exception as this should be fully subsidised at least three days per week as they need to be prepared for school.

The idea of fully tax deducting the child care fees is not all the fantastic, and for those who still end up in the lower tax bracket, would be worse off than the rebate scheme currently in place.

The simple fact is, if you are out there working, you are paying taxes and the more taxes paid, the more in the governments coffers. Where they ar going to be shelling out subsidies, they are going to be gaining when not paying for all these mothers who are putting their little ones in for $3 a day and not even working.

Ok, must go as blood pressue gone through roof with little one starting to howl at Kochie (usually thinks he's pretty funny)

Thanks
Bernadette

[tracey-samsmum]

I am 38 - soon to be 39 - wow where did that time go. I am the mother of a georgeous 6 yo & have a very support husband. I have a bookkeeping business that keeps me busy about 5 days a week - sometimes more, I have also started an online store, www.babeaze.com.au, with a business partner that keeps me busy about 3 days a week. I am mum, wife and step-mum to a great 16yo boy - who fortunatley is very low maintenance for want of a better word in relation to my time. He is a great young man and has accepted me & his sister with open arms. I was fortunate a few years ago to go to a luncheon with Ita Buttrose as the guest speaker. It was a luncheon for working mums - she talked about the importance of working together as a united front to stop worrying so much about increased wages & work on getting child care in the workforce. At the time I thought this was strange as why shouldnt we have equality in wages! Well she is a very intelligent lady & she is so right - if we have roles & work for organisations that see the benefit of providing onsite child care then we could relax a little more, feel a little less guilty & actually spend a little more quality of time with our families. We sometimes forget that we "work to live" we don't "live to work". I am guilty all the time for the time that I spend working away from my family but I know that I am someone that would need to work to feel complete. My husband, who had a mild stroke 4 years ago, is very supportative & without that I don't know how I would juggle. He looks after so much in the household that it helps me not "drop the ball" so often.