[SoxyMama]

I was watching an episode of Wife Swap and found it intriguing that the parent in question thought it was selfish of a Mum to have their own interests and hobbies. That if you had kids it was your choice and therefore you should run your life entirely for them. The Mum did everything for the kids, and didn't do anything for herself at all for that reason; and felt it extremely selfish of the other Mum to do such activities.

I had one of those 'gee are there parents around that actually do think I'm selfish' moments. As I do outside sporting activities for my own benefit only (ie health, activity and really the sanity). For me it makes for a balanced family. But having watched that episode I'm now more aware that not everyone thinks that way! So I was at one of my girls activities today and whilst my girls only do 2 activities a week, there was a lot of talk between the other mums there how 'many' activities and I could see clearly they thought it was only right they give their kids all the opportunities they can (ie something almost every day) and I can see they do give up their own lives entirely for their kids. I confess I do not - and perhaps that does make me selfish.

So I wondered what you think. Do you think it is selfish to have your own set of activities outside of the home? Or if you have kids life should be entirely and wholly about them and their lives.

ETA I don't 'really' give a crap what others think... ie I'm not affected by it. It was more an observation and wondered if a lot of people do think that of mums who do have a life away from the family in one activity or another.

This post has been edited by Katakacpk: 28/02/2013, 07:08 PM

[Guest_LeChatNinjah_*]

I say no to slavery.

I am there for them, I care for them, I've "sacrificed" a hell of a lot of "me stuff" but I think sacrificing ALL "me stuff" is not conducive to mental well-being.

[flushthetoilet]

They have to pick contestants with extreme views to make it watchable.

I prefer to treat my kids as slaves now that they're old enough to fetch.

This post has been edited by stopwhiningatme: 28/02/2013, 07:12 PM

[SoxyMama]

They have to pick contestants with extreme views to make it watchable.

I prefer to treat my kids as slaves.

Oh yeah completely understand that. But I guess it also highlighted that people do think that way. And then I thought of a few instances with the people around me where this is probably true but I had never stopped to think about it before.

[Saecularis Angel...]

I'll bite, although I suspect a train wreck ahead.

I think we need to be clear what we mean when we talk about "selfish." Is it selfish of me to be sitting here, at home alone, reading EB and other stuff, while DH takes DD to choir practice with him? On one level, yes, because I could have done things in such a way as to make his life easier. On another level, if I never have time to relax, to do things I enjoy, to nurture myself as a whole person, sooner or later I'm going to be a tired, worn out, crappy wife and mother.

So I think it's about balance. Self care is not selfish. Being a whole person in your own right is not selfish. Pursuing your own interests to others' significant detriment might be - but that's something to be worked out within the dynamics of your own family; I don't think it's a one-size-fits-all phenomenon.

And, you know, I might add.... there are two parents in most homes. Surely what's good for the goose ought to be good for the gander? Or is this question of selfishness never applicable to fathers?

[flushthetoilet]

Ok, serious answer, of course not.

I suspect those who do are the ones who find their lives meaningless when their kids fly the nest.

[*LucyE*]

So I wondered what you think. Do you think it is selfish to have your own set of activities outside of the home? Or if you have kids life should be entirely and wholly about them and their lives.

No, I don't think it's selfish to nurture yourself to be a complete and balanced person.

I think anyone who gives over so much of themselves for someone else is highly dependent.

I have made sacrifices for my family - career, body, sleep - but I am still my own autonomous person. I'm not a robot or slave at anyone's beck and call. I choose to do certain things that makes all of our lives easier but I don't just do it for them. I realize that one day my children will grow into independent adults and won't want mum hanging around. I hope to have more in my life than just being a mum slave.

[Jane Jetson]

No, I don't think it's selfish to continue to have your own life post-children, any more than the OP's acquaintances probably think it's selfish that their male partners still have "me" time. Because I suspect that, as always, accusations of selfishness are only ever going to be levelled at the female parent.

I have not only retained my own interests but work full-time, so I'm pretty used to being called selfish. Meh.

[flushthetoilet]

But Jane, wot of the chilluns!! The chilluns!!

[Maple Leaf]

I like to lead by example. I am glad that my girls see me experiencing the world outside of this house and outside of them.

I am still ME. There is a happy medium with being a parent.