[balletmum]

We are currently putting together my daughter's birthday party list. I have let her have a large party this year for her 12th as she'd rather have a smaller one for her 13th. The problem is with the kids that are left out.

I do believe at her age DD should be able to choose who comes to her own party, but at the same time I personally feel it seems incredibly wrong if only 2 girls are not invited from the entire grade 6 year girls. (about half the boys are being invited also) She does not play with these girls at all, and I don't think they are interested in playing with her either, but she was friends with the girls in the past. I can't help but think they would still be upset just by being left out regardless of the fact they probably wouldn't mind if it was a smaller party. Unfortunately DD can't see this as she is incredibly confident and has not let being left out ever bother her. She is starting to go through that stage of wanting to have some independence in choices she makes. She said it was her party so she should be able to chose who she wants, and she doesn't think she should need to invite kids that she never plays with.

I do want to state that my daughter is a very good and nice girl.. but she has to give in on so many things due to her brother having autism, so she is being extra determined that her party is just as she wants it to be as it is something that is just about her.

I want her to have a wonderful party... I just don't want her to be left with regrets or bad feelings after the party is over.

What do you think? Would you insist your child invite the girls in this situation due to fairness or let them make their own choice?

Thanks

[fairymagic]

Having a son that last year was one of those two kids that missed out on being invited, I would invite them. I guess what your daughter says is true - it is her party but if it were my daughter, I would insist she invite those two girls. They may decide not to attend at all anyway. I think if she had not invited say 5 or 10 of the Yr 6 girls then leaving a few out is okay but to leave only two out - I think thats a bit unfair.

[-*meh*-]

these children are 12/13... if they aren't her friends then why should she invite them.

if she was in junior primary then i would say all of the class but not at this age.

[FrogIsAFrogIsAFr...]

Not at this age, harsh as that may sound.

[epl0822]

You want her to invite the two girls to avoid hurting their feelings. How welcome do you think your daughter would make them feel if she were forced to invite them because her mother said so?

Have a conversation about how she might feel if she were the only one left out of a party. Encourage her to think about it. And if afterwards she insists on excluding the girls, it's her choice. Maybe you could also encourage her to be considerate in her exclusion of the girls (eg not talking about the party in front of the two girls), but make it her choice and consequences. These years are good practise years to develop her own sense of right and wrong.

[i-candi]

Not at this age, harsh as that may sound.

Have to agree...


I have a son that is 'one of those kids' that is never invited and a daughter that is 'invited to everything'. at 12 they need to invite who they want. DD would invite all the boys and pick and choose the girls even though in the past they have been friends. DD has more friends that are boys.

[Sinister Bonnet]

How socially successful are the two girls she wants to not invite? If they are the social pariah type, I'd be insisting she talked to me about compassion and kindness and is she really wanting to be the person who is OK with being unkind?

Inviting them is unlikely to wreck her party. At 13, if they are being socially ostracised or are the odd ones out, it could be a huge issue for them.

[fairymagic]

In Yr 6 they would be more likely 11 or 12 wouldn't they. Im probably a little more sensitive than most on this type of thing. My DS was not part of the "popular" group in Yr 7 last year (that is our last year of Primary School here in SA). There were a couple of parties where all but 2 or 3 boys got invited and my son was one of them - all because he pretty much socialises with whomever is playing the game he wants to play at lunch. As a parent, I wouldn't have allowed my child to exclude only one or two children - if it were probably four or five left out I think I could do it and in my son's case, I don't think he would have minded. When one boy in particular (his ex best friend) from his school basketball team had a party and invited the whole team except my son and another boy the birthday boy had a falling out with, my son was so upset. For a week we had him questioning why he didn't have any friends.

I guess it is up to you as the parent and how much of a battle your DD is putting up by you asking her to invite these girls.

[cira]

I'd make my kid invite them - how would having two extra guests spoil her party? On the other hand the non-invitation could really spoil these kids day/week/month depending on how sensitive they are.

[CupOfCoffee]

I would make her invite the two.

I would ask her to imagine herself as one of the two girls and if my child still complained, I would ask them how she is planning on funding the party.