[schnookle]

I am really only writing this as a form of self healing as so many people simply do not understand what I have been through/ going through. As one of the other girls posted, everyone seems to focus on the "youve got a healthy baby" & "youre ok now" but not how the whole experience has impacted on me.

I am a plus size mum and this is the story of the birth of my first bub. I was induced on Friday morning and started having contractions about 12.30pm. It was a slow progressing labour, my OBGYN was determined not to do a c-section because I am rather large and the risk of a csection on someone my size is rather risky. 2 lots of induction gel and having my membranes ruptured, bub was on his way.

Labour itself was ok, I managed for 36 hours with little more than gas and then had an epidural as things got more advanced. The only thing out of the ordinary was I could not keep awake, I could even sleep during full contrations. 36 hours of labour and 45 minutes of pushing I was exhausted, then they realised bub wasnt making any progress and his head was too large to pass through my pelvis.

They decided to do an emergency c-section. Called in an extra OBGYN, 2 anethetists and a paediatrician, what was happening wasnt explained very clearly and even my husband wasnt sue what was happening. By this stage I was petrified I though my baby was going to die, I was delerious, shaking dont know if it was from the epidural or something else. I was freezing cold when they dragged me off for and emergency c-section. I felt so out of control ...but then was still falling asleep, even during the procedure. I hated the whole operation, being under that blue plastic sheet did nothing but make me feel worse, I felt claustrohpbic. I dont know how much time it took but when I heard my little bubs first cry I wasnt sure how I felt, more than anything I was glad the whole thing was over. It wasnt until the paediatrician stuck little bub under the blue sheet had I realised here was my little boy.

I dont remember the first day at all. I have photos that my husband took of me and bubby but I do not remember any of it. The only thing I remember was at about midnight the anethetist came in to tell me that I had to go to ICU my red blood count was down, I wasnt producing urine & my kidneys were failing and I needed a blood tranfusion. Nobody explained to me why this had happened nor the gravity of the situation, I could have died. Still to this day I am waiting for an explanation as to why this happened. I was wheeled off to ICU and my poor little bub was stuck in the special care nursery on his own while my hubby was at home trying to get some sleep.

I hated being in ICU, I couldnt get up because of the after affects of the epidural and at that point was still not sure why I was even there. I couldnt move or get comfortable because of the stupid air mattress I was on and all the cannulas, outlines and catherters. All I wanted to do was get back to my little baby. I cried nearly all night and the next day. I kept asking the staff when I could go back to the ward and no one could tell me. A midwife and my hubby brought my bub down for a little while but seeing them go again made me feel worse.

I was finally taken back to the ward almost a day later and left in a room by myself, I couldnt reach the buzzer. I felt so alone and isolated and again couldnt do anything myself. I had strict orders not to get out of bed and couldnt do much else with all the tubes hanging out of me. Because my kidneys werent working properl my legs had swollen so much it was like someone had wrapped a pillow around each one and my belly was huge full of fluid as well.

Finally my husband came to the room with my bub and I got to enjoy my first cuddles (at least ones I remember) with my little boy.


There is more to this story about poor communication between doctors, nurses and midwives and problems breastfeeding but I wont go into that.

I want to know how you start to heal after something like this? My bub is 6 weeks old now and I find myself having anxiety attacks about death, I dont want to die but I cant shake the anxiety.

I know its only early days but I want to have another baby one day so mu bubby isnt on his own growing up but I am not sure I can mentally bring myself to do it again.

Any advice & help would be greatly appreciated.

[Guest_Dinah_Harris_*]

Hi,I'm sorry you had a traumatic experience. My first child's birth wasn't great, and I prepared myself very differently for my second birth.
However if you are really struggling, experiencing flashbacks, depression, insomnia and other symptoms that are interfering with your daily life, it's possible you have post traumatic stress disorder. I'd see a GP and get a referral to a specialist mental health expert who will help you heal.
You don't have to struggle through this alone. Hope this helps.

[SensibleSis]

I just want to echo what PP said.

You really do need some support.

Your experience sounds awful. I'm sorry you have had such a rough start to motherhood.

[Melly_trish]

Firstly GBHs. I had a traumatic birthing experience for my first (I posted about it recently actually). For me I was having flashbacks pf his birth, however as I am a health professional I believe in being proactive with my health. I saw my GP and was referred to a psych for professional help. This helped significantly until my next pregnancy. I started having dramas when I was pregnant with my second. I spoke with my midwife regarding my fears and we developed a plan for the birth of my second. My second was born without any dramas.
Every now again I will start having flashbacks again (despite it being almost 4 years ago), but I continue to implement some of the strategies that my psych went through and I can manage these much better.
I cannot more strongly recommend to discuss this with your GP and look at options to help move forward.
Good luck.

[BeachedAsBro]

Ditto to Melly_Trish. I'm so sorry you endured all of that on the day your son was born.

I absolutely recommend seeing someone, please don't leave it too long. It took me 16 months to see someone and it was 16 months longer than I needed to suffer. Please see your GP ASAP and get some help.

Take care. xx

[glasnost]

OP what you went through sounds very difficult. I can see why you are having trouble processing what happened to you.

I think that you should definitely go and have a chat with your GP about this. I am sure that it will get easier as time goes on but there is absolutely no shame in getting some help along the way.

Have you tried to access your maternity notes? It might be helpful to go through these with someone who is medically trained and can decipher all the medical abreviations etc. It could be helpful to have some of the blanks filled in?

[lozzylots]

I just wanted to express my sympathy - I had a terrible post-birth experience after a scheduled c-section and suffered with extremely severe anxiety for weeks after the birth. Only now 4 months later am I coming out the other side, and even now the panic attacks sneak up on me occasionally. While I talked to my GP about it and was monitored by him, I found I just had to talk about it a lot to get through it, to anyone who would listen. My wonderful DH and mum would have to hear me go on about it endlessly until I could deal with it internally, and I did what you have done and vented on here a bit too. The domiciliary midwife who visited me sent me a complaint form to send back to the hospital too and that was helpful to aim my complaints somewhere relevant. Get it out to get your head around it. I'm still angry about what happened, but it doesn't consume me. I too felt that I couldn't ever cope with having another baby because of it, I couldn't even talk about it without getting anxious. About a month ago DH and I started to talk about it and now discuss it like it's just a given. We will be so much better prepared next time around as a PP said, and remember that it is highly unlikely that you will have a bad experience again. It gets easier, although that's probably small comfort at this point - as the saying goes, time is a wonderful healer, but I really do suggest talking about it, especially with your hubby and at the very least mention it to your GP

[katpaws]

schnookle, when i had my DD ten years ago i suffered from a rare maternal illness where i ended up with renal failure and had a massive number of blood transfusions. DD and i were in different hospitals for almost two weeks and it took me over two years to mostly heal afterwards. I suffered brain trauma and damage.

I found that it is important to talk about what happened. My friends were very supportive to me and i organised a therapist who dealt with baby bonding to make sure things were ok as well as another therapist to deal with the PTSD. I found strangers and my family (as well as DH's) were not very helpful as they did not understand what i went through or the gravity of what happened.

I suffered severe PTSD on DD's birthday for about seven years. The only way i could cope was to be very busy so i did not have time to think about her birth.

I think that accepting what happened is a big part in the healing process, i accepted that what happened to me happened - this did not invalidate my anger and fear over what happened. I avoided websites and groups that made me feel worse (ie sites that bagged caesareans). This site offered a lot of information and did not make me feel so alone: http://www.tabs.org.nz/

Healing takes a lot of time and there is grief as well, if you missed moments with your newborn. I lost my memory of DD's first day and i had to memorise when she was born as i had trouble remembering it. Grief is a a big part of dealing with a traumatic birth, there is lots of blame and anger and it is hard to resolve what happened. You can't keep in negative feelings, somehow you have to learn how to let them go (ie talking about what happened). There are terrible feelings of isolation, that only you know what it was like and no-one does, or understands what you went through. Avoid medical shows or any show that deals with pregnancy and birth for a while.

I am not going to pretend that getting over PTSD and/or a traumatic birth is easy. But it does get better, once you can start healing and dealing with the grief.

[Water Dragon]

A postpartum doula is specially trained specifically to talk you through your birth experience, give you creative ways to express yourself and your grief, and work on healing. They might be able to give you a more personalised experience than a general psychologist/counsellor could, as I find they are often a bit bamboozled by birth trauma if they haven't experienced it themselves. Google "doula" in your area and see what you come up with - best of luck xxx

[BeachedAsBro]

Katpaws, I don't think I ever thanked you. You posted the Tabs link back when I was first seeking help and it really did help.

So thank you.

I hope you're doing better OP xx