[stressnless9]

SORRY THIS IS LONG!!!

Something i have been wondering for a long time is if you treat/parent etc your children the same as your mother treated you?

I come from a large family, mum was a SAHM mostly. looking back i mostly felt like my mother never cared which is still how i feel now. I would get some of my siblings(the younger ones age 5 & 7 i was 10 this was about 14 yrs ago now too) ready for school, make their lunch, iron clothes & do their hair walk them to and from school all while my mother mostly stayed in bed not even bothering to say goodbye to us. she would constantly yell at us, calling us nasty names,never asked how our day has been, hardly ever watch us play sports, we were fed such unhealthy foods i remember her yelling that she just wanted to pack and leave us all one night (was yelling to my dad) i remember crying and begging her not to leave us.
I never remember any hugs, i love you, any words of encouragement nothing. All of my siblings turned out awesome and i truly mean that we all get along so well i dont know what i would have done without them although all but 1 either has depression or anxiety. I always thought mum never needed me, that was until i was an adult (teens still) and dad had enough and left. Then she needed me and i was there even though she would bag my dad, tell me all the problems they had, say how much of a bad father he was.....which would break my heart everytime.

There were good points, she would defend us if anyone said anything bad, we always had nice clothes, she was funny when she was in a good mood.

Ive never said a bad word to my mother, ever. I have never ever ever wanted to hurt her feelings or make her feelbad in any way. I have done so so so much for her, paid for overseas holidays, paid other flights, given her money for bills, let her move in with me when she wanted a change, got her a job, gave her my car to use for a few months, never ever charged her any rent or anythig at all, have helped so much over the years with trying to get her a job as in helping her understand how to use the computer,attach docs, do resume etc which would take hours!! then she wouldnt bother sending off anyone because the job looked too hard in the end. If i ever asked for help she would get annoyed.

All of my brothers and sisters have also helped her in major ways aswell. she has cut 2 of them off at different stages because they said the wrong thing, and by wrong thing its literally along the lines of 'Im not so sure that was a good idea mum' not even in a nasty tone or anything!!! everyime i speak to her its always,i have no money, i never sleep, im so sick, my life is awful - she has a very nice life makes a very decent amount of money, owns her own home & a brand new car.

having my own child and 2 SS i now know what it feels like to love and be loved sooo much, never ever could i let my 5 yr old out the door without checking they were dressed,had breakfast, lunch packed etc i wouldnt even let a 10yr old out the door without checking?! I constantly tell all 3 i love them, give them hugs and kisses, im far from perfect but they are my whole world and theres no way i could ever call them and Fing B etc. I can't understand why she was - and still is like this? I sometimes worry ill completely spoil the kids because im trying make up for what i missed out on? There is not one thing i do as a parent thats anything like what my mum did.

[Foogle]

I do not parent my child the way my mother parented/part-parented me (she left when I was 4) nor the way my stepmother parented me.

Whilst there were moments of kindness, overall I consider both women, stellar examples on how not to parent. (Although I would never say that to either of them now - both are elderly and the discussion is not worth having).

Edited to add - my mother is an outstanding grandparent though.


This post has been edited by Foogle: 18/02/2013, 01:58 PM

[PrincessPeach]

I don't want to sound horrible, but is it possible that there was mental illness at play?

Just your comment about her crying to your dad about wanting to pack her bags & leave makes me think that maybe she just couldn't quite cope with the world.

Also my MIL's mother suffered from sever depression & she often tells stories similar to yours. He father & older half-siblings helped to raise her.

I don't have children yet (still trying!) - but I'd like to be the same type of parent as my mum, she was fair, but firm & also very consistent. As for my dad, well he is a very good example of what not to do, he loved us, but just really struggled to show it.

This post has been edited by PrincessPeach: 18/02/2013, 02:03 PM

[girltribe4]

I really hope not but I do still ''see'' her in me sometimes and it's scary

[ellebelle]

OP - once you have a child of your own you wonder why it was so hard for your parent don't you? It's their issue though...not yours...enjoy your babies!

[Z-girls rock]

I dont have children yet so I dont know what type of mum I will be. I plan to be a good one (LOL!)

my family: the nuclear type. 2 parents, 2 kids. 1 boy, 1 girl. My mum worked from the time I was at school. My brother and I did not get along. I think HE was difficult (LOL). My parents argued a lot - to the point that my brother and I thought they should divorce.but they didnt. they still argue - now I think they enjoy to live that way. My grandma moved in with us when I was a teenager so we became an inter-generational family.

My mother: she is the girl with the curl in her forehead. when she is good she is good - when she is bad - she is horrid!

by that I mean she was often very friendly and loving. Filled me with ideas about empowerment and achivement.

but if she was angry at me (or anyone in our family) she would be horrible and really go for the jugular. She would tell me I was ugly and that no-one SHOULD like me and be my friend because I was such a horrible person etc etc.
She would get angry very quickly. Over very small things.

we are ok now. but she was hard to live with. I dont have the same marriage as her. My husband and I dont argue very often. When we do we never resort to saying mean things about each other. this is not because either he or I are saints - it is because we dont want to have a horrible marriage. So I think I wont be the same type of mother as her. I think patterns can be broken.

that said - I wouldnt mind being like my mum on her good days - her good days were good.

[stressnless9]

I really believe theres something wrong with her (mentally), she would never admit it or try to get help for it though. shes too busy thinking she has cancer and every other diease!!

[Natttmumm]

My mum was/is a very caring loving parent and I couldn't have had a better mother. I do try to follow her examples as she did a great job.
I sometimes find it hard to be as calm, patient and selfless as she was. I hope my kids think I do a good job too. I try

[KnightsofNi]

There is not one ounce of my mother's parenting in the way I parent.

My mother chose to ignore my step father abusing me. I would not knowingly let any harm ever happen to my children. I would never let my children be abused to maintain a relationship with an a*s*hole.

I am loving, caring, affectionate and protective. My mother was the opposite.

[stressnless9]

OP - once you have a child of your own you wonder why it was so hard for your parent don't you? It's their issue though...not yours...enjoy your babies!

YES!!! loving, and showing them i love them is the easiest thing in the world to do! thank you - something thats very hard to do is let it be her issue, but i have to do that because these babies are just too awesome to spent a moment of time worrying about her when im always the furthest thing from her mind!!