[hillplain]

Hi Lovely ladies,

Some of you would know my story however I will put it down here to get it out. Hope you don't mind the length....

DH and I have been TTC for 7 years (5 in earnest). We learnt last year that his sperm has some morphology issues (only 2% any good) and the only way was with ICSI/IVF. So not being ones to waste any more time we leapt into the process. First cycle we learnt that I was a poor responder. only 3 eggs, 2 fert and no frosties. Transfered 1 on day 3. Made it to 11.5 weeks and learnt that we had a MMC. Passed a fair porpotion of this at home then D&C.
On to cycle 2 (we were just unlucky) same story. Upped dose of Gonal F and away we go. Same result at 9 weeks, only discovered this 2 days before leaving for New Zealand on a work trip. D&C day after US. Stupid GP didnt send anything off for testing.

Now there is cycle 3. Many tests, no really issues except my thyroid a bit inconsistant. Different drugs to try to get better quality. Result. 6 eggs, 5 fert then rapid deterioration. Transfered 2 at day 3 of not great quality. Nothing frozen.
Got late +ve HPT. BT on the 14/2 (which I didn't get results from until 15/2) shows HCG 90 and terribly low progesterone. Up the dose of progesterone. I have spotted Fri Night, all day Sat and finally a bright red bleed (not a lot though) today.

Whilst I am sadly getting used to the idea of MC my main problem is that the day that I have to have my next BT is tomorrow - the day that I was supposed to be having our first child. My heart is breaking here and I just don't know what to do.

I know deep down that there is nothing that I can do to change nor stop this. I am 36 and my clock is ticking. I am terribly frightened of another cycle and MC but what choice do we really have? I am frightened that if I wait too long that the quality of my eggs will decrease even more and that we will have even less chance. If we cycle again soon I am frightened that we will crack up 4MC in less than 12months. I am frightened that we will never have children and that I don't have the strength to do this.

Thankyou for reading my story.

[Princesspeachzz]

Hill plain, I feel your pain. Am also the same age and similar situation. Ivf. Mc the first after ivf at only 5w, second just shy of 18w. (Complications thru amnio.) Had a third FET in between, but no luck there. Though I still have some frosties. Have only just physically gotten over the most recent MC and I think mentally the best help has been seeing a psychologist. She's been able to help me with the fear of the unknown and has helped me see some hope for the future. (Am right back to square one and hope to do another ivf round in April) I'm so terrified of losing another baby. Don't think I could go thru another funeral. But I know I have to try to see a future or else what's the point of going on. The psychologist has been able to teach me some relaxation techniques to help me cope with the stress. She also gets me to write down my negative thoughts and feelings. I initially felt such pain and loss with no hope for any success in the future. When you write down the negative things, such as this will never work for me, then try to find a more rational positive thought, such it could work for me. By writing down your emotions, then it helps your mind sort out your thoughts and resolve stress. Maybe your GP could refer you to someone? (Thru the medics mental health plan you can get some Medicare covered sessions). Im also fearful of trying ivf again after this last mc. so desperate to have my first baby and honestly so jealous of my friends who have had success. why can,t it just work for me. But need to find strength to continue this journey. So if you need to talk, pm me. You,re definitely not alone.

[Zanobia]

Hillplain I know a lot of what you are feeling right now! Our MC EDD was the 1st of March and I'm waiting for the call today to tell me if our first FET worked or not.

After talking to counsellors (from work's program and the SIDS ones) I don't know if I could ever go through a stim cycle again...the fear of another round of OHSS is too much. I'm lucky as I had some frozen ones, though two were lost, I still have the one I hopefully have onboard and 3 others. I would recommend talking to a professional, I know SIDS has a 24 hour bereavement support line that might help you 1300 308 307.

My MC was late and heartbreaking, I still think about it everyday and feel the loss as keenly. DH has moved on, he isn't one to dwell on things, but I am. Apart from him, my parents and this forum, I wont be telling any one else until we hit 16 weeks (if we do, trying to be positive is hard)...

I had my bleeds with my loss and was told that there was no reason to worry, it can be many things (like the progesterone can upset the cervix etc etc)...so here's hoping you are okay and this is your time! I'll be praying for you and hoping we both end up in a nice happier due date buddy group soon.

That your GP didn't follow up properly is sh*tty, I know so many MCs are unexplained (like ours) but when you're already involved in fertility treatment, no evidence should be ignored! Any chance you can see a different GP in the future? It can be hard to find decent proactive ones sometimes.

Please keep writing, here or just for yourself like Princesspeachzz suggested. I did some writing myself and it helped me clarify what I scared of and eventually find a little perspective.