[Koobie83]

Hi everyone,
As some of you are aware I've had my fair share of anxiety in this pregnancy. Movements were making me more anxious and I've come to realise that my anxiety about the pregnancy is actually really anxiety about my situation with work, and my DH (I'm just referring the stress I'm repressing from these things by 'overthinking' about the baby).

Anyway, my midwives have been really good about it. They have been really lovely and helpful and the two times I went up to the assessment unit at the Mothers hospital they told me that I am welcome to come up 'anytime' if I'm feeling stressed.

So at my clinic I was asked by my midwife what's really up. I had just watched a video with the group about breastfeeding and right now anytime I see a tiny newborn I get really emotional... I don't know why. So because I was already feeling a bit emotional from watching the little babies I told her about my DH giving me a hard time about the pregnancy and how it's stuffed up his plans... He's totally fine with the baby and being a Dad it's just he's sh*tty with his work and was planning on studying this year (we saved for him to study, but he feels like he can't because his prac is when the baby is due and he's uncomfortable with us both not working). Saying things like why I couldn't wait 3 more months... Yada yada. She asks me whether he's abusing me. Absolutely not! She then tells me verbal and emotional abuse is still abuse. She wrote some contacts down for some counselling which I think would be great anyway and would contact them when I get a referral from my GP.

I've been feeling really good lately. I've not been so worried about her movements and am relaxing more. I know she's ok and I can't compare her movements to other people. She's her own little baby and will do things her way.

So I get a call from my own midwife twice (first call was missed) asking whether everything is fine. I tell her it is. She then starts saying the midwife group are for women with 'normal pregnancies' and she may be able to get me into the hospital for another programme where I can have more appointments (?) or attention or something... I wasn't really listening. She then asked whether I'd be interested in getting some further help through the hospital once she's completed her home visits to help me adjust to having the baby at home because things are much harder once the baby is home... etc. I said yes of course - any help I can get the better. But then I started thinking.

Are they flagging me for PND already? I feel pretty let down because we were told that if we're ever concerned about anything we should contact them. Then I'm told that anytime I'm worried about her movements to call and come up to the hospital so they can check her for me. Now because I've been up twice they are assuming I'm going to have PND?!

PND is awful and any Mums out there who have had it I would love to hear from. Do I sound like a candidate for developing PND? I thought PND can strike anyone not only those who have had a few stresses during their pregnancy. I mean first of all I had a bleed which scared me half to death thanks to my previous losses, then my cousin died just before Christmas, a senior work colleague can't get a grip on the fact that my priorities aren't here with work at the moment and is punishing me for it or ignoring the fact that I'm leaving soon, my husband is having his own crisis (who really should be receiving the counselling) and referring that stress onto me and I am living in a house where I haven't wanted to live for 2 years now and we have no room for the baby yet because DH can't figure out what he wants to do we're stuck there for the time being... again.

I suppose this is more of a vent than anything else, but I just feel a bit let down. I feel like I've been stuck into the 'mad pregnant woman' category without really being told why or being able to really tell them properly what's going on...

This post has been edited by Koobie83: 14/02/2013, 12:03 PM

[frizzle]

I think anyone who is stressed more than normal is probably at a higher risk of PND. I actually think it's a good thing they are helping you now rather than letting things spiral and you ending up sick with a newborn.

Your DH sounds like mine. Mine has been projected a bit of sh*t of me lately too and is getting worse the closer the birth gets. His latest bug bear is me spending any money, despite the fact that I work and just got a mat leave payout... but I digress.

I wouldn't worry about being flagged at all. I have been put as high risk this pregnancy as I had severe PND with DS. I am all for prevention. They won't think you are mad or anything like that, but will help you with support. It's a big transition and if your DH isn't coping now then it's not going to get easier once the baby arrives.

[Stan the Fan Man]

I would have loved someone to flag me as being higher risk for PND- I may have felt like you did, like I was being pigeon holed but it took months for someone to listen to me and understand that I was struggling. I don't wish that upon anyone else.

Don't knock any extra support you might get- you can always say no later!

Try to reframe it as being lucky that you are being supported rather than "mad pregnant woman"

Good luck OP, it sounds like you have a very caring team around you. Maybe counselling with your husband present might be good too?

[lozoodle]

Whether or not you are being flagged I think it is a positive thing. I would much prefer a care provider who was being proactive and offering me these things than one who didn't notice any red flags in me.

[againagain]

I think that sounds great and if I were you I would go with it.

It sounds really good to have that extra support. It doesn't mean you have or will get PND, it just means they have recognised you may benefit from some extra visits before and after the birth.

Sounds like you are being looked after really well. Don't label yourself or feel let down at all. Go with the flow, talk when you need to and except the outstretched hand.

[againagain]

I also just wanted to comment on this

She then tells me verbal and emotional abuse is still abuse.

I read one of your other posts about your DH liking to make you cry, and that he gets satisfaction from you being upset, because he is annoyed. Well that is not right either and I wouldn't be surprised if they were far more concerned about possible emotional abuse from your DH than anything being "wrong" with you.

The counselling sounds very helpful, I think your DH possibly needs to go too.

[Katie_bella]

I think you are being flagged as a woman who may require more support anti and post natally and by placing you in a different program will allow them to get the extra funding to pay for extra visits and support. I don't think you should look at this as a negative thing. Your midwives sound like they are attentive and caring and want you and your child to have the best outcome.

As PP has said, i would see the councillor recommended. Even if you are not comfortable thinking about your husbands behaviour as abuse, it is still not supportive. It sounds like you both need to sit down and talk about your expectations of this time and that may be better facilitated with a qualified third party.

Best of luck, pregnancy and the early days of having a newborn can be an incredibly stressful time and i'm glad you seem to be getting more support to help you through this.

[meggs1]

I get what you are saying - it's like they are dooming you to have a problem.

But I think that MW knows the system and how to get you extra support, which any mum could well use.

I had an anxious pregnancy (IVF cycle 8, a fluid loss at 18 weeks and a fairly messed up delivery due to shingles/chicken pox) and then had a very non-sleepy boob obsessed baby who wouldn't settle. Everything was so much better when a MCHN "flagged me" and got me into the Tresillian system. I was able to have home visits, settling advice and very cheap and safe occasional care. It was lovely to know somebody had my back and was keeping an eye on me.

Don't worry that anyone is judging you or that (I hope you aren't worried about this) anyone is going to interfere with your parenting in any way.

This post has been edited by meggs1: 12/02/2013, 12:06 PM

[kate_123]

hi OP, sorry your having such a tough time with your DH and work at the moment. I completely understand how u feel tho with being flagged. I have a history of mental health issues a few years back following a life incident. Anyways I became very ill in the first trimester with hyperemesis and had a melt down over it cause i was so sick and didn't feel supported by my Ob. He solution was to 'flag' me and give me a referral to a psychiatrist just because i have a mental health history which I was offended by cause all i actually wanted was for his support and care and I felt my anxieties were valid given i was so sick. Of course him flagging me just made me feel so angry and anxious and make the whole thing a million times worse. I also have a lot of anxieties about labor and when the baby is born because of some other physical health issues i have that will impact on my ability to manage. I feel these are very valid concerns but i can see that they will also be 'flagged' as PND which they're not. While its great you have been offered the extra support (btw, the extra support and visits you have been offered sounds awesome), I would also feel upset by them because whilst they will be useful, there misintentioned and theyre not really listening to what the issue is. Anyways, just thought i would add my story to say i understand!

[MakeLoveNotBacon]

PND doesn't equal "mad pregnant woman".

As you said, it can happen to anyone. I do think there are 'flags'. One being an un-supportive partner.

I don't know why you feel let down. It sounds like the mid-wives are taking very good care of you.