[nationalvelvet]

Late January marks the birthday of the baby we lost 12 years ago. So every January brings a lot of sadness and grief to our hearts..to our one and only baby we lost.

My so-called friend took our name in honour of the baby girl we lost and she reminded me of this last year when I saw her. She doesn't keep in touch, doesn't send me birthday or christmas cards and never phones.
She wouldn't even remember when we lost the baby and never asks when that day is.
But she would have known when I told her we lost her

So...I hear from the grandmother of all 'C's celebrations..her birthdate, her birthdays and the fact that she started high school this year and how excited they all are for her.

So I wonder if our baby girl would be starting high school this year. I light a candle for her and wonder what she would be doing now.

While I am happy for my friend who has two beautiful daughters, I cannot help feel some anger that she took our name of her daughter and bestowed it upon her daughter and tell me it was in honour of our baby girl that we lost..
But......she never honours it!

Should she at least honour it by letting me know she's thinking of me or us or even her?

Or, is it enough that she has given her daughter our child's name and watching her grow up bring that honour?

Maybe I am not making sense but If I was to take another's name and name my child in honour of that baby lost, I would at least recognise annivesaries.

Every time I see a young 12 year old school girl on the bus or walking past my house, I think of my girl and wonder what she would have been like.

Maybe grief still talking or disappointment.

[Citizen V]

Did she ask you if it was ok to use your daughter's name?

If she named her daughter in honour of yours, I would expect her to acknowledge b'days, and anniversary of her death. She doesn't sound like much a friend OP, sorry.

[Sunnycat]

I'm sorry for the loss of your precious daughter

I think your friend is awful. I know no one owns a name, but basic decency and respect should come into play.

I bet she just wanted to use the name, but didn't have the balls to discuss it with you so has gone about pretending that she is honouring your daughter.

I don't know maybe I'm being cynical, but I think your friend was thoughtless and rude.

[~lemontart~]

it is not something I would ever do. With my eldest DS I really liked a name but a close friend had named her deceased micro premmie the same name. From then on it was off limits

[mini mac]

I'm sorry for the loss of your precious daughter

I think your friend is awful. I know no one owns a name, but basic decency and respect should come into play.

I bet she just wanted to use the name, but didn't have the balls to discuss it with you so has gone about pretending that she is honouring your daughter.

I don't know maybe I'm being cynical, but I think your friend was thoughtless and rude.

My sentiments exactly.

[Especially*K*]

If I was taking my friends deceased childs name I would honour it. Your friend is so disrespectful and I dont blame you for feeling the way you do.

DS is named after my baby brother who passed from SIDs. I asked my parents 'permission' to use their sons name. I wouldnt dream of just telling them I was using the name.

[fairymagic]

Im sorry you lost your precious DD. I may seem heartless in my reply - Im sorry if i do I do not intend to be.

It seems like she may have used your DD's name to honor her memory. It sounds like you knew she was going to do this (I may be assuming this - if she didn't, I agree with PP that it is heartless and thoughtless to do this without discussing it with you first).

If she had discussed it with you, it seems like your friendship and lives have drifted. You don't seem to have any contact with her throughout the year. She may not see the anniversary of your DDs birthday or death as something significant to you. She may have thought the gesture of naming her child after your DD was something special at the time she did it - she may not think that by doing so, she was expected to remember the Anniversaries that are so very important to you and your DH. I know that it would be nice for her to do so, but she may not see those dates as important to her. She may also think that by recognising and acknowledging those days that it may upset you. Having never lost a child I could not begin to imagine what you and your DH must have gone through - those of us who have not, do not realise or understand how that loss stays with you for you entire lives. She may think that you have "gotten over it" (I do not mean that to be offensive or unsympathetic at all nor do I think that way) and by acknowledging your DD, she will make you unhappy/sad/etc again.

I can understand your disappointment though. It would be nice for her to acknowledge those significant dates however, they are not significant to her or her family and I guess if your friendship and lives have drifted to the point where there is little contact from both sides, she may simply forget those dates.

Im sorry it is upsetting you so much though. I can not begin to imagine what you went through and continue to go through each year.

[silver-rain]

From what you've said, I think she just wanted to use the name, but had to come up with a reasonable excuse so as not to seem cold-hearted. I would be hurt too, OP, did she clear it with you first, or did she just decide she was using the name?

Blessings to you, so sorry your baby girl couldn't stay with you.

[YodaTheWrinkledO...]

Maybe she doesn't know what you expect. Maybe she thought it was enough to honour your daughter by simply using your daughter's name for her own daughter.

I don't think she is trying to be hurtful, rude or disrespectful and she is, most likely, completely unaware that this causes you so much pain and anger.

Should she at least honour it by letting me know she's thinking of me or us or even her?

Or, is it enough that she has given her daughter our child's name and watching her grow up bring that honour?

Maybe I am not making sense but If I was to take another's name and name my child in honour of that baby lost, I would at least recognise annivesaries.

But would you have thought this if you had never lost a child?

I am just asking because I have not lost a child, but I have had friends who have (quite a number of friends in that situation unfortunately - lost their child through miscarriage, stillbirth and others after their child had lived several years). I don't necessarily contact them on each anniversary, although they are all written on my calendar and I always pause or take a moment to remember the child, the potential, and the grief for my friends. Am I supposed to contact them to let them know I remembered?

[Oriental lily]

It seems like your friendship no longer exists.

Since the friendship is now lost I don't think it's that strange that she does not contact you on those heartbreaking days for you.

She might of used the excuse that she honoured your lost baby when your friendship was still there. But now I think her thoughts are only for her child.

Try and not let it upset you to much op. The friendship is probably ended for a good reason.