[WinterDancesHere]

I got my positive pregnancy test on 28 December. I didn't believe it. I had accepted not having another baby for a while and was going to focus on other things. I had started to give away saved baby items and try and move on.

I also didn't want to believe it. If I got my hopes up and beleived I might actually end up with a baby I would end up devestated like last time. I kind of ignored the test and everytime I went to the toilet I just expected to see blood.

DH guessed I was pregnant and he was actually happy. I told him I just wanted to ignore it for a while and see what happened.

I had all the right symptoms. After I passed the time of my last miscarriage I let myself have a little bit of hope, then at 10 weeks I figured it might be safe and I went to a walk in clinic to have the tests.

All the levels were great, it looked like a viable pregnancy so I saw my normal GP to ask for a referal for a scan. I also booked in with the Ob. It was so hard, I struggled picking up the phone to make the bookings. I knew the second I started to make this real it would go wrong.

Well yesterday I had the ultrasound. The beautiful baby that should have been there isn't. I have an empty sac. The lady who did the ultrasound said maybe my dates are wrong and I should come back in 3 weeks. I know there is no hope. I should have a fully formed baby with a heart beat, but I just have a sac.

When I got home from the ultrasound I started bleeding. It's like my body was holding on to it just long enough to make me think it was going to be okay.

I am trying to hold it together for DS and DH. I fell apart so bad last time. I know there is no logic to it but I just feel it is me. I can't have a baby because I want one. DS was unplanned and neither of us were ready but it all turned our okay because I didn't actually want him (I love him more than anything now, and did the moment he was born).

I just feel like such a failure. Why can't I do this?

[with the goo goo...]

I am so sorry OP. I don't know what to say... I am just so sorry

This post has been edited by with the goo goose: 08/02/2013, 03:10 PM

[bree18]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't feel like a failure, I don't know why this happens but it doesn't in any way mean you are a failure. Be gentle on yourself.

[KarenBubMachine]

Im so sorry. Take time to grieve for the loss of your little one. Try to be kind to yourself and not think about laying blame, no one is to blame.

[Andrews mum]

You are absolutely not a failure, you are a mother to a beautiful boy, with what sounds like a caring, supportive husband. You will get through this, but give yourself some time to grieve. There are some great resources out there when you feel up to it. Talk to your GP about what is available in your area. Look after yourself, have a good cry and hug your wee boy tight.

[noi'mnot]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take care of, and be gentle to yourself. Xxx

[Princesspeachzz]

You are by no means a failure. No one is to blame. Sadly it's just one of those things that are out of our control. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[hanz33]

I know how you feel. I haven't been able to have a baby so far and just when I feel like everything may be okay. Its not.

[WinterDancesHere]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I'm doing okay, DS has picked up on the fact that something is wrong and has been trying to make me happy.

I just need to not let myself start to get into the negative thought spiral that can happen so easily.

[Michaela3333]

I am so sorry for your loss and feel your pain. After falling pregnant first try with DD (3.5) I assumed it would be easy. 14 months and 5 miscarriages later, I never believed it would happen. I felt like my life was on hold, couldn't move on, make plans, get rid of the baby stuff. When I got pregnant again I thought "here we go again". Every step of the way was agony. This pregnancy has been a hard road with many scares and is not over yet. I am now 36 weeks pregnant and still cannot accept that its going to be OK.

have you had testing done by an Ob or fertility specialist or MC clinic? We were at our wits end trying to find out why it seemed impossible after having one healthy baby already. I received a lot of support and advice from EB members of which I am so grateful.