[Pretty Wings]

I really need someone's advice here because I am going CRAZY.

I have tried explaining to my DH how there is a very small window of opportunity in a month where you can get pregnant. I tried explaining how the egg is only viable for 12-24 hours at most and the sperm could be good for about 3 days.

He has been to doctor's appointments with me so he has heard first hand also how it is important to be having sex at the time of ovulation.

My problem is I have to practically FORCE him to have sex with me at ovulation time. I give him the heads up and tell him the few days that are important in every cycle. But he is always "too busy" or "too tired". WTH!??! He is obsessed with sports- so he stays late at his sports training and games on those nights when i need him to be home with me making a baby and when he comes home he is "too tired". I can't do this anymore.

He says to me "Just relax and let it happen. When we have sex then we have sex". He can't seem to understand that if we have sex at the end of my cycle then we won't get pregnant. I try telling him I am relaxed but we need to have sex at ovulation time - it's not my fault it's just the way it is.

And it's even worse because I would like to feel loved and sexy when we are having sex. How can I possibly feel loved and sexy when he makes it feel like a "job" or a bother for him to actually have sex with me?

We are newly-weds, so it should not be like this. I try everything. I do the whole sexy lingerie thing for him. Nothing seems to excite him to the point where I feel like he really wants me sexually. He does have sex with me when i initiate it enough (like i basically say "please can we have sex?") but I want to cry every time afterwards because it HURTS me inside that I feel like I have to do this. What kind of wife has to ask her husband "please can we have sex?" So depressing and humiliating

Having a baby is so important to me. I want this more than anything and he said he wanted this too. We discussed this before we got married so we knew we were on the same page. But i honestly feel completely alone on this. How can I get him to understand where I am coming from?

This post has been edited by NewDay: 11/02/2013, 09:36 AM

[noi'mnot]

Are you actually on the same page? Are you sure about this? Have you spoken about this since getting married? It looks to me like he's understanding the situation perfectly well, and avoiding it. Nobody likes to be pressured to have sex. You clearly don't enjoy the pressuring either, so perhaps you should ease up a bit until you figure out what is happening.

It's quite possible that he doesn't enjoy the expectation of having to have sex on particular days. This does, for some people, take the spontaneity and fun out of romantic sex and make it into a job - no matter how dressed up or sexy the partner is being!

I think you should try to talk to him, at a time when there is no pressure at all to have sex. See how he's feeling, and go from there. From what you've said he seems to completely understand where you're coming from (I say this because you've had him attend doctor's appointments, you're regularly initiating sex, etc) but you don't understand where he is coming from.

Good luck.

[Pretty Wings]

I did speak to him about this previously. I said that I feel like I'm pressuring him to have sex and is he sure that this is what he wants.

He got really really upset at me when I spoke to him about this. He said yes definitely he wants this. He said that I think about this too much. That "when it happens, it happens". Because of my age I can't afford to wait 5 years to have a kid, if I could I would, but I can't wait and he knows that.

We just spoke about this 2 months ago - and like I said he was adament that yes this is what he wants but he hates that i think too much.

In my heart I feel like he is just saying that, because I think if you would want this then surely you would be more co-operative?

Other times of the month he has no issue having sex with me. It's only during O time when I need him for the few days. I understand people get tired and busy... but this is important if this is what we want for our life.

He says he wants this too. I have discussed this with him. So what else do I do?

[noi'mnot]

That's tough, OP. I can see that it's really stressing you out.

How about a different technique? What if you went to just having sex every second day, no matter what stage of your cycle you're at? Stop tracking ovulation, stop thinking about that altogether, just have sex every second day. This will pretty much guarantee you're having sex around the right time so should reassure you, and will stop the focus on ovulation which will perhaps satisfy him?

[Coops07]

Honestly, I wouldn't tell him when O time is. Just carry on as normal. Perhaps he doesn't like the pressure being put on him to "perform".

Try to relax......

[PrincessPeach]

The "when it happens it happens" statement to me sounds like he is not 100% convinced he is ready to be a dad.

Honestly, I'd not tell him where you are at in your cycle & just surprise him. The pressure to perform at the right time can be a big turn off for a lot of guys.

[countrymel]

Stop telling him.

Just seduce him on the 'important days'.

Honestly, take it from this battle weary old bird - you do not want to get into the 'sex as a chore' situation... I would find myself getting annoyed at DP before he had even pulled the "I'm tired" or the "I'm going for a run.." on the days I 'needed him'.

It was not healthy for us.

[2puzzled]

NewDay you are putting a lot of pressure on both of you and it is not fair on either of you, because you are setting yourself up to be disappointed.

As newly weds maybe you need to focus on each other and being together as a couple rather than on trying immediately for a baby. Is time against you for some reason? Do you have to rush into it?

Maybe stop charting and worrying about timing for just a couple of months and get back into the routine of enjoying each other's company and having sex when the mood takes you. Forget what day you O and what not and see what happens. Many, many women have fallen pregnant with no understanding of their cycle, but even if you do not fall pregnant then you can at least have fun! If you are older (like me) and time is not on your side, then perhaps you need to have a conversation about how important it is to both of you to have a child, and whether you can agree to the frequency and timing of sex when you are ovulating.

Further, some studies indicate that only having sex on the days around O means that the older, potentially "stale" or less motile sperm are present in higher quantities and that the better approach is to have regular sex throughout the month. If you aim to have sex regularly, say 2-3 times per week, every week, then your chances of conceiving are good. Sperm can live for a few days, so if you have regular sex then the chances are still good for you if you have had sex a couple of days before O.

Perhaps you can agree to just see how things go with regular (non-pressured, spontaneous) sex throughout the month and agree on a timeframe - eg if you are not pregnant within 3-4 months of this approach then you'd like some more "targetted" attempts, with planned sex on the days leading up to O.

It does seem like you are making it a chore and perhaps your DH feels as though you only want him for the sake of getting pregnant. Also, by saying you want a baby "more than anything" you are saying you want a child more than you want him - this can't be good for his self esteem. What if you have trouble conceiving? Is that the end of your marriage? You need to consider the state of your relationship and how that will improve by having a child. If you are only married to have the child then the marriage is not likely to be a very happy one for either of you.

Try to relax a little and enjoy how fun sex can be with someone you love - think about why you are with your DH and how you want to spend your life with him.

Good luck - I hope you can fall into a routine that is satisfying and happy for you both, and which of course results in a healthy pregnancy and little one.

[pixii]

Hi Newday,

I am sorry that your feeling this way right now. My DH was a little like your husband at one point too and I think its because after you have a MC you are so much more desperate to have a child as you saw the future while you were pregnant.

I have become much more focused on getting pregnant as soon as possible since having my MC and I think about it all the time. The reason is I was so happy to find out we were having a baby and now I feel like I want that feeling again. The thought of not having a baby now really affects me.

Do you mention getting pregnant much? Do you talk to him about trying different things like supplements or treatment like accupuncture or natropathy to help you get pregnant? How old are you? if you dont mind me asking

I am 41 so my age bothers me more now after having the MC.

I sat DH down and told him it was really important to me that I not make him feel like a piece of meat or pressured to have sex but if he wanted us to have a baby we had no choice but focus on that time of the month. I do not pressure him where possible but I tell him when I expect we will need to BD and I also tell him about how my OPK are doing. He seems interested in knowing this. I show him the tests even and he knows how it really is and not just because I am panicking.

There has been a time or two where he has not been able to do it to start with or like we start and he gets distracted because he is thinking too much so he cant follow through etc but I reassure him its ok if we dont and we end up being able to anyway because I take the pressure off.

I think its really important to sit him down and before you start ask him to please not get upset that you just need him to listen to you. Tell him how much you love him and tell him how important it is you dont make him feel like you need him for one thing and you dont want him to feel pressured and ask him is there anything you can do to help with it.

Do you talk to him throughout the day via text etc? I send my DH little messages telling him I love him and miss him and cant wait for cuddles tonight. Not sure if your DH would go for this but if you think he might it may make him feel more loved as well. It will make him more likely to make more effort if he has absolutely no question everyday how much you love and adore him.

I wish I could help you more I really do as I know how you feel. Try telling him how having an MC made you feel and how you had so many hopes when you found out you were pregnant. I hope I have the right person here remembering you had an MC if not I really apologise.

I really hope you can get this sorted. By the way my DH and I are newlyweds too we married after a whirlwind romance of just under a year and married in August 2012

[axiomae]

Agree with PPs. Don't tell him! He probably misses the spontaneity. He probably wants to feel like you want to have sex because you want HIM, not just his sperm.