[HGL]

Since I first found out that I was pregnant, I've been worried about how my DH will handle the labour.

The main problem is that my DH panics easily. Just yesterday he rang in me in a panic because he found out that a relative has received an abnormal test result. His mind immediately jumped to cancer, then that she would die and the husband would be left to care for the kids. They're still wanting to have further tests and investigations but it's an extremely common female issue and is most likely to be benign.

I also worry because my DH and I have opposing opinions on labour. If DH had his way, I'd have a scheduled caesarean, even though I'm in excellent health and have been assessed as low risk. He feels a caesarean is 'safer' regardless of the post-op risks and future issues. I on the other hand am very keen to try for an intervention-free vaginal birth (but would be fine to have a caesarean if the baby was at risk).

So I'm worried that he could end up being a liability at the birth. I'm normally the relaxed, non-panicked one in our relationship but I know that during labour I will get distressed and need a support person to be there for me, keep me focused and on plan. I'm worried that as soon as we hit a little bump, he'll insist that I'm risking my life and the baby's life and demand I have a caesarean. Also that he won't be able to handle seeing me in pain.

I'm starting to think I would be better off hiring a private midwife or doula but I'm not sure if my doctor will allow it.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and what they did and how their DH did go on the big day?

[littlemissmessy]

My DH was great during my first two deliveries so I had no concerns about this. But the day I went into labour he spent most of the time sitting beside me whinging about nurses not showing up and how he wanted to go home and instead of helping when the real pain hit, he annoyed the heck out of me. But I'm sure your DH will be fine and you'll be glad for his help.

[*Kell*]

I was initially worried that my DH would freak out during labour, or be put-off by seeing the blood/gunk coming out of such a beloved place on his wife.
The main thing that changed my mind, is the prenatal classes, and the birth video that they showed. He was so calm and composed, and handled it very well.
So I highly recommend that you take your DH to classes, and make sure that they show a video of a woman in labour.
The second thing for you, is I would definitely find out if your doctor would allow a doula. Doulas are usually in addition to your regular birth partner (DH), so that means that you can have your DH and a back-up. You can send him out of the room if he starts to panic you.
Good Luck!

[MrsSmith247]

Invest in a calm birth class and a doula.

You need to spell out your expectations of him clearly. The last thing you need is to have to worry about your husband when he should be looking after you. That being said, you have no idea how you will react when you're in labour. I'm generally quite dependant on my husband for support but I was in my zone while labouring and didn't want anyone near me.

[PrincessPeach]

I had a colleague hire a doula & simply told hospital staff she was a close friend.

Her DH passed out during the birth of her first & second children, so they decided he was best left outside the delivery suite for number 3 (and 4 & 5 later on).

[Tesseract]

I was quite worried about how DH would handle things. He isn't great under pressure, hates seeing me in pain, wants to "fix" everything and when he can't he gets frustrated. He had also told me that he was already feeling useless and unsure about the birth.

And then we did a CalmBirth course.

The course was absolutely amazing. It was amazing for me, but it was even better for him. He came out a complete convert to natural birth. He knew his role, he knew what to do, he trusted my ability to birth the baby completely.

In labour he was fantastic and we had a beautiful calm birth, we felt like such a team (although you know, I did all the work lol).

Really recommend you do the course.

And/or hiring a doula is a fantastic idea. Honestly you should have an open enough relationship with your OB that you can discuss this with them. If you don't feel comfortable raising the issue of extra support for your labour with your OB, then perhaps you need a different OB, or midwife care.

[lisles]

I knew my DH would be useless. As it turned out it didn't matter, I was so overwhelmed when labour hit that I didn't know or care if he was even in the room. I didn't want anyone near me, touching me or even talking to me as I was 100% focused on just getting through.
If you feel you need a support person you can choose to bring one. Most hospitals allow two - one could be your DH, and one a "friend". It shouldn't matter whether that is your Mum, sister, friend or a doula/midwife that you have hired. As long as they are there to support you rather than try to intervene in any decisions regarding your care, I can't see why your doctor would object. Your DH can then take a break if he isn't coping, knowing you aren't left on your own.

[Roobear]

I thought why DP wouldn't be helpful in spite of his best intentions and I was right
He annoyed the crap out of me ... awkwardly hovered trying to be helpful but not knowing what to do. We both breathed a sigh of relief when my best friend turned up! Lol.
He is not good in stressful situations. At work he is your go to man, but anything to do with me or the kids everyone is better off if he can just sit of the couch in the corner. In my second labour there was no question that I would have an additional support person there. Maybe look into hiring a doula? Or getting a trusted friend/sister/mother to support you?

This post has been edited by Roobear: 06/02/2013, 09:13 AM

[countrymel]

My mother often commented how lucky she was that men weren't expected in delivery rooms when she had her babies.

My father is a highly anxious person, extremely sensitive and she knew he would have been far more hindrance than help.


I think the more experienced PPs have given you some great advice - and remember, even if it IS the norm these days he doesn't have to be there, if after your classes and having a big long talk with your midwife you feel that you would be better off without him then don't feel pressured into having with you 'because he should' - do what it is best for all three of you. (You, baby and DH.. in that order)

[missy78]

Or a midwifery student? I was really worried about DP, he suffers from anxiety. Student midwives need to "follow-through" a pregnancy. I had a wonderful lady (a mature age student) who came to all appointments, and in fact ended up catching our beautiful daughter (it was her first "catch" too - really special). DP actually rose to the occasion and was great, but I think having our student friend there made things a lot easier on him. I couldn't have cared, frankly.

And think about triggers: I banned MIL from being anywhere close, because I know she is a trigger for DP's anxiety. And I forbade DP from telling anyone I was going into labour - just so he didn't have the extra worry of people calling if things went wrong. In the end, I was induced, and it happened to coincide with a planned visit from her so I had to put my big girl pants on and tell her in no in certain terms that she wasn't to be there (DP had tried, but she "steamrolled" him).

ETA: By the way, have faith in yourself. Labour and childbirth hurts, but it's not the end of the world, and you won't necessarily lose control. That's a myth and a stereotype. I found I was very calm and polite given the situation. Yes, there was a bit of "crying out in pain" - but you're bringing a human into the world and you'll be surprised at how strong you are.

This post has been edited by missy78: 06/02/2013, 09:38 AM